I started a new job several weeks ago. I love it… absolutely love it. At t the same time, this company is growing fast and so life has gotten very, very busy (in a good way). With that said, for the entire month of April, I have been running about a day behind, not weekdays but dates. So, while I know Bruce’s birthday is on the 13th, in my head, that was going to be Sunday… today.
All week, I have figured that was good. I could work like crazy all week, get emotionally prepared on Saturday, and spend Sunday celebrating Bruce by the water. I figured a day of prep would be enough time. I have spent this year working hard in therapy. I had already made a tentative plan, so that piece of the puzzle was squared away… and where in the past, I would have been dreading this day for weeks, this year I felt like I was going to be okay with just a day to get my feelings sorted.
However, after work on Friday, I went outside to do some porch sittin’. One of the first things I did was to open up Face Book to catch up with the rest of the world. Per normal, one of the first things I saw when I opened the app, were my memories… Year after year after year of my asking for prayers and support “for Bruce’s birthday tomorrow”.
“Wait! What?? Tomorrow??”
“No… that’s impossible. His birthday is Sunday not tomorrow… not Saturday.” For the first time all week, I looked at my home screen and actually paid attention to the day and date on my phone… Friday, April 12.
Oh, geez… tomorrow… It really is tomorrow. What a terrible wife… widow I am. Now my plans are all for the wrong day. Now I only have a few hours to get my head together and my emotions in check… I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it. I look at my son who had been sitting across from me watching my panic play out.
“It’s okay,” he said. “I got you. What do you need?” … And he did… He stayed with me… listened to me sort through some stuff… reminded me of my own strength when appropriate… gave me space when I needed… and celebrated with me all day on Saturday, making sure I got to do all the things I had planned for Sunday… and never once did he make me feel like it was an imposition…
Instead, it was a beautiful day spent by the water celebrating a man who changed our lives and enjoying the present moment in our own relationship…
And… as I do every year, I wrote a letter to Bruce to wish him a Happy Birthday and to thank him for being the wonderful man I will always love…
Hey Babe,
I can’t believe tomorrow is your birthday. I just want to cry. I miss you so much every single day. I don’t think I will ever understand why… Why did you have to go? I spent so many years with a man who couldn’t love me or our children. Then, like a miracle, you appeared out of nowhere… and loved all of us… no conditions… just love. What a blessing! How did you do that?
Thank you! Thank you for being the man you are. Thank you for showing us what love… real love… truly is.
Midnight has come and gone… Happy birthday! As long as I breathe, I will never stop celebrating your life.
I sit here, and I just don’t understand… Why? In so many ways, your death has killed me too. Did you know that?
I want to make you proud. (I know I shouldn’t care, but I do.)
I want to live a good life… like really live it.
Yet, all I can think about is that you aren’t here…
To laugh…
To cry…
To watch the sunrise or sunset…
I just don’t understand.
All I do know is that I love you… And that isn’t changing… Happy Birthday!
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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