May 2022 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Things Aren’t Always as They Appear

“… We miss a lot when we’re not paying attention. That things aren’t always as they appear to be.” ~ Karen White, The Sound of Glass

Of all the things I have learned since losing Bruce, “being in the moment”… paying attention to what is happening right now has got to be the biggest one. Realizing just how short life can be… just how precious is our time together hit me almost immediately.

For me, losing Bruce so suddenly and with no forewarning, was like a slap in the face that made me realize just how precious our time together with those we love truly is. We were laughing and joking just hours before… We were snuggled up and peacefully sleeping when his world stopped and mine completely changed.

Ever since that day, I have tried (not always successfully) to be in each moment… To really pay attention to what and who is around me… To not waste time on petty differences that won’t matter a week, month, or year from now… To simply soak in every moment just in case it becomes an unexpected, final, precious memory.

That is the first lesson in “paying attention” … To make an effort to do this so I don’t miss the simple things that may later become the important things. The second lesson, however, took me a little bit longer, and it was when I realized that things aren’t always what they appear…

On the one hand this wasn’t a new idea… For most of my adult life I have known about the masks we all wear, but I can’t say I ever spent much time thinking about the consequences of that… At least, not until a few years after Bruce died.

In the beginning I was pretty honest about how I was feeling – about my grief and how lost I felt. After about a year, though, I began to realize that people were tired of seeing it… of hearing it… of dealing with it. I get it now; it is exhausting to watch and not be able to fix anything. However, at the time, I really struggled with how to find the balance between what I was feeling, while not bringing the rest of the people in my world down with me.

So… I learned to smile and say, “I’m fine.” I learned to make myself think of other things when grief threatened to cause tears at inopportune times. I learned to look comfortable doing things on my own, such as eating out or traveling. I learned to wait until I was alone to cry or express the grief that was threatening to swallow me whole.

… And that is when I realized just how little we (as a collective) actually notice… or at the very least, how little we acknowledge…

Whether people notice when I’m not really fine or whether they ever see the tears brimming as I turn my head, I don’t know. What I do know is that I too am just as guilty of doing the same thing. I try to make a point of doing better these days. Yet, admittedly, there are times when I feel so overwhelmed with my own stuff that I just don’t have anything left in me to give toward someone else’s pain. I know that sounds selfish. I don’t mean to be, and I certainly don’t want to be. At the same time, though, I am being honest… I think sometimes we really don’t notice someone else’s pain and sometimes we choose not to see it.

Either way, I think it is hugely important that we are all aware that rarely are things exactly as they appear to be. Each of us carries some kind of pain – maybe it’s grief… maybe it’s something else, and when we choose to bury our heads in the sand and pretend that we don’t see each other’s pain, we aren’t just hurting them… We are robbing ourselves of the chance to change someone else’s world, even if only for a moment… And the craziest part is that it doesn’t necessarily require a lot… Sometimes it can be as simple as a touch or an empathetic smile… Maybe there are times when it will require a little bit more, but in the long run, if we are keeping that first lesson in mind, (the one where we are paying attention), then maybe we will realize that these are also the important moments that we don’t want to miss either.

I say it every week… Loss is hard, and the grief we are left to figure out is even harder. But this is a journey where I am continuously learning – mostly about myself… what I think about life, faith, and love. These have all been great life lessons. However, I hate that losing Bruce is how I got here. After all, I didn’t ask to be here… I didn’t ask for any of this. As the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more good days than bad as I learn those things that seem to bring me a little bit of healing each day. Through it all, though, I still find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief… When You Think You Have It All Figured Out

Life, the Universe, God… Whatever term you use or believe is fine… Whatever it is has a wicked sense of humor at times… Last week, I wrote about the importance of self-care, especially when grieving. I really thought I had learned a valuable lesson… Had figured out another piece of the puzzle – something that counted as a step forward… And then this week happened. (SMH)

Within hours of last week’s posting, I received a call about my son. Without going into too much detail about a story that is his (not mine)… He had fallen, was being admitted into the hospital, and would be needing surgery. As a mother, my world stopped. Even when your kids are adults, you never stop being their mother. You never stop wanting to be able to “kiss it and make it better”.

But life isn’t that way, is it?

So, I spent the next several days with him in the hospital… waiting… waiting for his body to be ready for the procedure, waiting for an available O.R. – just waiting. After several days, he managed to get through all of that, and was finally discharged… And now, (because he needs a little bit of help for a few weeks), he is here. (Poor guy!)

So, what about the self-care? … Well… I am afraid that has been lost somewhere between still working full-time and acting as nurse. However, that is no one’s fault, and it is my own choice… And, honestly, I really don’t mind… My point, though, is that every time I think I have “life” figured out (or even just a piece of it), something happens, and I am reminded that I really have no idea.

It was the same when Bruce died… He and I had a great life. We were in love. We were happy. We were at peace with our little part of the world… We were content. Just hours before he died, we sat at the dinner table talking about our weekend plans… Should we go kayaking or just chill at the beach? We still hadn’t decided when we went to bed laughing, with me snuggled up and laying in his arms with my head resting on his chest – just listening to him breathe.

We thought we had our lives figured out… But life thought differently… Life had different plans…

I have thought about that a lot this week… About how we can never really figure things out completely. Life just isn’t that way… And I don’t think it is supposed to be. Instead, life really is a journey… a great adventure with everything that any great adventure would entail…. And all any of us can really do is whatever is our best in that moment… nothing more… And whatever that is will be okay.

So that is my goal over these next several weeks or so… to just do what I can and accept what I can’t… And even more so – to be grateful for this time and what it will bring.

I say it every week… Loss is hard, and the grief left in its wake is even harder. But this is a journey where I am continuously learning – mostly about myself… what I think about life, faith, and love. I still hate that losing Bruce is how I got here, though. After all, I didn’t ask to be here. As the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more good days than bad as I learn those things that bring a little bit of healing each day. Although, I still find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

Peace, Love, and Grief… Self-Care

In case you happened to notice, I missed writing last week… We had family here from out of state and out of the country. I am sure you can imagine that with Mother’s Day, it was a bit of fun, family chaos. (And I wouldn’t have missed a minute of it!) Initially, I intended to still write a blog, but as the days passed, I decided that this time together was too precious. Who knows if we will ever get this chance again? So, I did something that felt selfish in the moment… But it wasn’t – not really. It was what I would refer to as self-care.

What is self-care? “Self-care is any activity we do to take care of our mental, emotional, spiritual, or physical health.” ~ Switch Research: Self Love Journal, Day 65

So why am I writing about self-care? Well, for me, this has been a struggle for most of my life. I tend to be that person who wants to take of everyone else, and somewhere along the way, I have a tendency to lose touch with myself in the process… And that is on no one else… That is completely on me.

It’s funny, when Bruce was here, we tended to help each other with this. He would nudge me to relax and spend some time letting go… (and I did the same for him, I think). For example, all my life, being by the water has been my calming force. It is the place I withdraw to for some peace of mind or when life just feels like it is becoming too much. Knowing that, Bruce would usually plan days near the water – either on the boat or at the beach. He always seemed to know when I needed that time. He just knew when my tank was running on empty, and I needed some space… some self-care.

Since he died, though, I have had to learn how to do this for myself, and honestly, it has been a bit of a struggle…

At the start of this journey, I preferred to stay busy. I preferred to take of others. That was a whole lot easier than slowing down enough to notice Bruce was gone and how deeply I was hurting. As time passed, though, I started to feel the anxiety and tension building up inside me. I knew something had to give, but I wasn’t sure how to relieve some of the pressure. Eventually, I came to realize that there was a part of me that believed I simply wasn’t worthy of any self-care… Self-care just seemed like such a selfish act, and how dare I even consider such a thing!

But it isn’t. It is just as important as exercise, getting enough rest, and eating right.

So, I started very simple… At first, I started by just writing in my journal each day or taking a stroll on the beach and enjoying the sunshine and surf. After some time, I added in some of my old hobbies, such as painting and sewing, and added new hobbies, such as gardening.

Now, it includes a quiet teatime in the morning with some reading and journaling to find my “center” and get my mindset for the day… Or some porch sittin’ in the evening when the heat of the day is beginning to diminish, and the breezes are picking up. Sometimes, I even find myself just sitting quietly and focusing on all the things around me that otherwise go unnoticed in the business of life.

That’s just it… Self-care will be something different for each of us, but we all need it, (whether we are grieving or not). I’m not saying that grief makes it harder. Yet, for me, grief did create that “perfect storm”. I balked at the thought of doing these things for myself, mostly because Bruce had been the first person to show me just how important it was. He knew I was worthy of it, but I did not… And he spent many a Sunday showing me that I was worthy (period).

He tried so hard to show me that life would carry on and be just fine without me for a little while… So that is where I am now… learning to give myself the space to do those things that bring me mental and spiritual peace and health.

That will look different for each of us. Shoot, it even looks different for me on a daily basis. What I need today will be different than what I needed yesterday or will need tomorrow. The important thing is paying attention and taking the actions that are needed.

That is what I did last weekend. I gave myself the space to simple “be”- to be with my family and take in each precious moment… And that is what I want for each of you, as well… Trust me when I say that you are worthy of taking some time for you… And the results are pretty amazing!

Loss is hard, and the grief left in its wake is even harder. I am continuously learning on this journey – mostly about myself… what I think about life, faith, and love. I still hate it. After all, I didn’t ask to be here. However, I can honestly say that there are more good days than bad as I learn those things that bring a little bit of healing each day. Although, I still find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

Peace, Love, and Grief… When the Rules Change

“I understand. I do. I’m a widow, too. It’s hard to lose the person you thought would always be with you… It’s like your life has become some sort of game where they changed all the rules in the middle. But it’s not the end.” ~ Karen White, The Sound of Glass

As I sit here this afternoon, I find myself thinking about Bruce and what he would be doing today…

One of two things – either we would be sitting on the beach enjoying the surf, blue skies, and sunshine, or he would have just returned from the gym, opened a beer, turned on the TV, and sat down to enjoy some sports before starting the grill for dinner.

Either way, I find myself smiling through the tears as I think back to a time when I thought we still had forever in front of us. I knew what we had was precious – something that doesn’t come along every day. I just had no idea that our time together would be so short.

“I thought we had forever…
I never knew we were counting down
from the day we met.”
~ Linda, Sept 2013

I don’t care how much time passes, I still find myself either missing him so much it takes my breath away or forgetting that he is actually gone and wanting to tell him whatever good or bad news I am dealing with.

Either way, in the end, I find myself frustrated and with tears in my eyes. I don’t think I will ever understand why this was our destiny…

I mean, it’s not something on my mind 24/7 like in the beginning, but when I am alone and thinking about the way things turned out… (scratch that) the way things are, I am bewildered by how much it still hurts and how much I still miss him.

I really just assumed we would grow old together… I think we both did. I can’t tell you how many times we would laugh about shenanigans we planned to instigate if we were ever put into a home or all of the plans to cruise the Caribbean and see the world from the bow of a boat… our boat… our future… a future that will never happened.

Instead, the rules got changed. Heck, I feel like the whole game got changed… Somehow, I landed in the middle of this “game”, and I have no idea how to play, what the “rules” are, or even what the goal is.

For someone (like me) who likes things organized – neat and clean with a bow on top, a list person who finds security in knowing what is expected and how to get there – this change is hard. (Shoot! Choosing to ignore the GPS’ directions is about as impulsive and daring as I get. LOL!) I like lists. I like order, I like a schedule. I like to know not only what is coming next, but when to expect it. (Let me just say that grief is not real compatible with that attitude.)

I smile when I tell you this, because Bruce always encouraged me to let go (just a little) … To realize that life will still go on (and be just fine) even if it deviates from my expectations. And because he never pushed me too far – just baby steps (and always with a smile of encouragement), I was learning to do just that. To take chances and let life be what it is… And I was learning to enjoy that ride… To learn that life can be fun even if it is unpredictable.

Then, he was gone, and I didn’t know how to keep doing that. Suddenly, that unpredictable part seemed awful and daunting. In the years since his death, I have often found myself going back to my comfort zone where things are predictable and orderly.

However, life isn’t that way. Life is constantly changing course and changing the rules on all of us – not just me. Some people adapt easier than others (such as myself), but that doesn’t mean I can’t do this… I can… I will… And in my heart, I know Bruce is smiling and saying, “You’ve got this, babe. You’ve got this.”

Loss is hard, and grief is even harder. I have learned a lot on this journey – mostly about myself… what I think about life, faith, and love. I still hate it, but I can honestly say that there are more good days than bad. Admittedly, I still constantly find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!