Month: September 2018

Peace, Love and Grief… Be the change

“Be the living expression of God’s kindness;
kindness in your face,
kindness in your eyes,
kindness in your smile.”
~ St. (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta

I remember when this whole journey began. (It’s almost been 6 years now… but who’s counting?) At first, I was so raw… so numb… so lost. For the first few weeks, I felt like I was in a dream. This couldn’t be real… Surely, I was going to wake up at some point and everything would be as it was. (The only thing I knew would be different was – I would be even more appreciative of the gift that was my husband… If that was even possible.)

But, that didn’t happen… Life just kept moving forward… without my Bruce.

As the months passed, more and more people fell off the radar for one reason or another. Most things I read told me this was normal… to expect it to start at about the three to four month range. According to what I read, many couples would back away, because I was no longer “a couple.” (Although, most widows will tell you, we still feel like “a couple.”) Other sources listed many other reasons, such as:

1. People probably felt I was doing really well and didn’t need their support any longer.
2. Some people didn’t know how to offer more support, since they had never experienced this themselves.
3. Some people get tired or uncomfortable with the whole death/grief thing.
4. Who knows why people do what they do!… Maybe they are going through their own struggles.

To be fair, I believe most of the people I knew simply didn’t understand it, because they hadn’t been through it. In hind sight, I don’t believe they meant to be cruel or hurtful. While I may have felt stuck, their lives had continued to move on at full speed. However, at the time, I could not understand this.

So as more months passed, and I watched more and more people walk out of my life… I began to get hurt… I felt lonely… and abandoned… and definitely angry. I had already lost my husband. Was everyone else going to abandon me, too?

Here is the problem with that line of thinking…

The more I focused on the hurt and negative feelings, the more negative things I found to upset me. It didn’t take long for me to spiral down and become the very thing I never wanted to be – an angry, bitter, cynical old woman. Life began to look bleak… It no longer held any hope.

This only increased my focus on the negative. Before I realized what was happening, my connections with other people almost stopped completely. I found myself only opening up to a very small handful of friends and family (who chose to love me despite my negative outlook).

This was where I found myself about 10 months after Bruce died, and I was at my lowest I had ever been… I had given up on people and life… I had stopped caring… Life had taken on the form of waking up, going through the motions and sleeping. Then, waking up only to do all over again the next day.

I’m not sure why, but at this point, I pulled out one of Bruce’s favorite CD series – Wayne Dyer’s The Secrets of the Power of Intention. I did not know it at the time, but this would become my first step out of this downward spiral that had taken over my life. There was a lot of great information in this series, but the piece of information I needed to hear most was…

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

WOW! What a simple statement, and yet, how true! As soon as I heard it, I knew he was speaking to me. I had become completely focused on all I had lost and was losing… on all the hurt and feelings of abandonment. Because of that, I had stopped noticing the good things all around me… the little blessings available in each moment.

So, this is where things started to change. As I “changed the way I looked at things,” the way I viewed those things (as well as my life) began to change, as well.

The next step was inevitable, I began to realize that if more people would learn to do this, maybe our world would not be filled with so many hurt, offended, negative souls. But how could I take this knowledge and make a difference? I knew I could only change myself. So, how could I make another change within myself, that might make a bigger difference in the world around me?

Well… ask God a question, and he will always give you an answer. And a few days later, there it was… I was reading some writings from Ghandi, when one seemed to call out to me as the answer to my quandary…

“Be the change you want to see.”

WOW! (Again!) How is it the simplest statements have the most profound advice? And so it began, another change, another step. Now instead of wishing someone else would think more kindly, behave kinder, or speak with more kindness, I learned to observe, say nothing (the hardest part for me), and alter my own actions to reflect what I wanted to see instead.

These two changes in my thought patterns and behavior began to build on each other. The more I altered how I looked at things, the easier it became to actually be the change I wanted to see. And the more I worked on “being the change,” the easier it became to see others in a more positive light.

Through the years, I have worked my way out of that deep, downward spiral. There are days when it is still a process for me. However, while I have my moments when I am not as successful at protecting my attitude, I am continually doing better and better… On those occasions when I find myself spiraling down, I am able to catch it and turn it around. I know that when I remember to “be the change I want to see,” my whole viewpoint on life and people becomes more positive as well…

When I remember that the divine energy within me can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance I am seeking from the world around me, then I know my life has purpose again because I am able to make a difference.

Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s love
to the world around you
~ Linda, February 2016

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with frustration with the world around you? Have you felt abandoned or left behind as the world moves on? You’re not alone… None of us are! Are you will to share how you came to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Peace After the Anger

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” ~ Psalm 147:3

The other day as I dropped off my grandson for school, I started thinking about my own rides to school as a child…

Back then, we lived way out in the country with a one-hour bus ride to school (and that was if the bridges weren’t open for the boat traffic). While I prefer to think about those “happy laughter” or “sweet sentimental” memories, one of my most distinct memories of those endless bus rides was actually one of anger… or to be more blunt – pure rage.

I was about six years old, and it was on the bus ride home. I had saved the seat next to me for my sister. (After all, I was a first grader who idolized her big sister. Where else would she want to sit except by me? Right?) Now, keep a few things in mind, I was a bit timid as a child… I was that kid who hid behind my mother’s skirts when she tried to introduce me to new people. And at my first piano recital, I refused to play until my sister came and sat on the bench next to me, blocking the audience from my sight.

That day, as I waited with my hand on the seat next to me to save it, a high school girl I didn’t know (and was sure I wouldn’t like), moved my hand and sat down anyway. I remember feeling instantly indignant. “I’m saving that seat for my sister,” I told her.

“Your sister’s already sitting in the back,” she said. “… With her friends,” she added as she looked the other way. I remember standing up and looking back. Sure enough. there was my sister laughing and talking with her friends. I was instantly so incredibly angry. I looked at the girl next to me who smiled, and got even angrier… And then, I did it… I bit her forearm… Actually, it was more than a bite… I latched on and refused to let go until she had to get off the bus about 30 minutes later!

That poor girl! If I were her, I would have labeled me a brat and hated me. I definitely would not want to ever sit next to me again.

But that is not what happened… Not even close. Instead, she not only sat with me day after day, I remember her going out of her way to be kind to me. I remember her saving me a seat when she got there first, and on other occasions, asking about my day or whatever I brought for show and tell. I remember her sitting with me and making those long bus rides fun… And through those long, endless rides, as she listened to me or made me giggle, I began to feel valued… and I learned to love her. Funny, I can’t remember her name now, but I will always remember the impact she had on me that year.

So why am I sharing this story here?

Because as I reminisced, I started thinking about the only other time I remember feeling abandoned, helpless, and filled with rage at something I couldn’t change… And that was when Bruce died. It was that same feeling I had when I looked at the back of the bus and realized my dreams for this journey weren’t going to happen.

While I denied it at the time, I was so absolutely angry with God. I begged, I cried, I cursed, I shook my fists, and eventually, I just decided to turn my back on him, since it felt like he had already turned his back on me.

I was done! … Or was I?

As time passed, and I started working on healing and on myself, I found that my faith was too much a part of me to ignore or abandon. But, I also realized that my faith wasn’t really my own… All those years it was really just a carbon copy of what I had been told… In other words, it wasn’t my faith or beliefs at all. It was like it belonged to someone else, and I had just picked it up and put it in my pocket.

I remember dreaming about Bruce one night when I was still so angry. In the dream, Bruce was telling me that God was real, but he wasn’t the God I thought he was… He told me God wasn’t a God of anger and judgement. Instead, he was a God of love and compassion. In my dream I was so doubtful, and that is how I woke up… But what I knew was I needed to figure out for myself what I believed… Then, maybe I could let go of the anger… And if I could let go of the anger, maybe – just maybe – I could start to heal.

I would love to say, it was an overnight transformation, but it wasn’t… not even close. It has taken years… Years of starting from a clean slate and figuring things out from scratch… Years of making my own discoveries and building my own faith… Years of learning to be comfortable when my idea of God and faith doesn’t match up with the mainstream “church.”

But through those years, I have learned a lot. My faith is my own… I don’t need to explain it or rationalize it to anyone… And the best part has been the peace I have acquired…

Like the high school girl, who chose to be patient with me and show me love and friendship and ultimately made me feel valued and loved, God never turned his back on me… Instead, he waited. He let me rant, and he loved me anyway… His shoulders were big enough to handle my rage and my doubts… And instead of punishing me (as I had been taught to believe), he waited patiently as I figured things out for myself.

I still miss Bruce. I still cry when I let myself think about him too much. BUT the anger and rage are no longer there… Instead, there is a peace that comes from within… A peace in knowing that he is still beside me… A peace in knowing that my faith is one built on what I know, and not what someone else has told me. And while I may not understand or like what has happened, I know God didn’t cause it, and he doesn’t like it either… And I am not alone… He hurts when I hurt… And I believe…

“There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered.” ~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Did you experience that anger and rage after you lost your loved one? Do you still struggle with those emotions? Finding our way out of those emotions is going to be different for each of us. How do you deal with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you!

Peace, Love and Grief… What’s Important

“It’s in the things we lose that we discover what we most treasure.”
~ Adriana Trigiani, The Shoemaker’s Wife

I’m not sure I have ever read a truer statement.

Before Bruce died, I knew I loved him, and I knew he love me… I knew the love we shared was unconditional, and I never doubted it was a “forever thing.”

But…

It wasn’t until he was gone that I realized what a treasure we had together. And it wasn’t until he was gone that I started looking at the world in a different light. In other words, what really started happening was this… I started dividing the world into what is important and what isn’t.

I always knew my family and friends were the important things in my life, but now I came to see them as my treasure… What I hold dear and will defend above all else. Don’t get me wrong… I haven’t given up my “earthly possessions” or taken a vow of poverty – I absolutely love this home which Bruce and I shared, and the things here that trigger so many precious memories… But it is the memories that make those things precious, not the things themselves.

Yet even those things don’t hold a candle to the people I love who are right beside me and in my heart. These people I love are what is important… They are my treasure… They are my priority in each moment.

But, that’s not the end of it…

I’ll admit that since Bruce died there are things which still upset me, but it’s different now. Now those things have more to do with how we, as a society, treat each other these days… The cruel things people say and do towards each other, while rationalizing their “right” to behave that way.

I don’t understand it… And, honestly, I don’t want to.

Maybe it is where I grew up, but I was raised to believe in “loving one another” and “treating others the way you want to be treated.” For me this means showing respect towards each person whether I agree with them or not… And it truly hurts my heart when I see any of us behaving otherwise.

We have all heard the idea that “life is too short, so if you love someone tell them.”

Well, I think we need to take that a step further… When Bruce died, I came face to face with exactly how short this life can be, and found myself looking at what is important in my life… And it isn’t just the people I know and love…

It is all of us… All of us with our crazy backgrounds and histories… All of us with our own particular baggage and experiences… All of us with our differing religious beliefs and political views… All of us with our different cultures, languages, and races… I mean – all of us.

When everything else is stripped away… When all is said and done… We are just people – each deserving of respect and love…

And that, my friends, is our treasure in this life… That is what is important…

So, I would challenge all of us today with this idea, “Life is too short. Focus on what is truly important – people… all people… And treat everyone with respect and love.”

“No tree has branches so foolish as to fight amongst themselves.”                               ~ Native American Proverb

What about you? After you lost your loved one, have you struggled with the way people tend to treat each other? How do you deal with it? Or do you need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you!

Peace, Love and Grief… This Moment

If this moment weren’t important,
I wouldn’t be here for it.
~ Linda, January 2014

I have a piece of paper taped to my work laptop which reads, “I am grateful for this moment.” It’s not that I am an ungrateful person, but sometimes on this journey I need to be reminded that each moment is a gift unto itself.

As much as I hate to admit it, there are times when it is easy to fall into the trap of “why me” or “here we go again” when life happens. Do you know what I mean? Life throws us curveballs… Things go wrong. And if I let myself focus on those things… Well, then that is all I see.

We have all been through tough times. Most likely, if you are reading this, it is because you have experienced loss as one (or more) of your “tough times.” Like everyone else, I have had my fair share of “tough times,” too… Some harder to get through than others… Some more taxing physically, and others more taxing emotionally. While my current path is more physical, it has also held its emotional challenges, as well.

I will say though; Bruce’s death was the most challenging one of all… and still is. It isn’t something I have been able to just walk away from and forget. It seems to have left such in impact on my very soul that it continues to influence my day to day life.

This week I found myself reading Mitch Albom’s book, The Time Keeper – a beautiful story about learning to appreciate the time we are given. The story is about three people – Father Time, a dying man who wants to extend his time here, and a teenage girl who wants to end her time here. I loved the story; it was sweet and beautiful. But it wasn’t until I got close to the end, that I made a connection to my own life. There is a three-sentence conversation near the end of the book, which struck me in its simple truth…

“There is a reason God limits our days.” “Why?” “To make each one precious.” – Mitch Albom, The Timekeeper

Wow! Such a reminder… I know when I look back on our time together, each moment… even the most simple ones are precious to me. In fact, the more simple the moment… the more precious it seems to be. I love remembering the moments when Bruce would simply reach across the car to hold my hand. Or the times he would grin at me, and I knew he was up to no good. Or the times he would look at me across the room, and without a word, we both knew what the other was thinking.

Those moments mean the world to me, and I am so grateful for each one. The funny thing is, though, I didn’t realize how precious they were at the time… They have become more precious now, because they can never be repeated… They were limited.

Yet, I know I need to appreciate the fact that they happened, and not get caught up in the fact that they cannot be repeated. In other words, I also need to appreciate the moment I am in… not just the moments that are over… I have to remember to be “grateful for this moment”… and be willing to live in it fully and completely.

When you are grieving, though, that is the hard part. It is hard to willingly take that step forward into “what is” versus hanging on to “what was”. And no matter what others say or do, it is a journey you must figure out for yourself… not by yourself, but for yourself.

Sometimes I believe the universe has a way of driving a point home, because my devotions this week also focused on living now… on being fully and completely in each moment as it comes. I don’t want to preach at you, so I will simply share some of the quotes that touched my heart this week from the Daily Devotional: The Word for You Today…

“The first step is always the longest step and the hardest. You can’t just take a step forward into the future; you also have to eliminate the possibility of moving backward into the past.”

“To begin a new chapter, you must end an old chapter.”

And the one, I know I must keep close to my heart…

“To be fully alive is to be fully present.”

Being fully alive and fully present in each moment can be a challenge even in the best of times. And when loss is involved, being present and willing to move forward is hard. Period.

Finding the balance between remembering, letting go, and finding the trust to step forward is not intuitive or easy… At least, not for me. It is a one-day-at-a-time proposition, and some days are easier than others. And honestly, whenever another crisis hits, (and it does because life keeps going), it can be even harder…

But I am learning…

And I am striving each day to live up to Maya Angelou’s saying…

“This is a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.”

I love the quiet before the world wakes up.
The stillness in the air
As if the entire world were holding its breath
In anticipation of what this new day will bring.
~Linda, September 2013

What about you? Do you ever struggle to find the balance of remembrance and moving forward? How do you deal with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you!