January 2025 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – How to Heal

This week, while scrolling through social media, a meme about grief came across my feed. I wasn’t surprised. I get them all the time and they definitely fit within my algorithm. While some are simply “meh”, many offer a thought or inspiration that seem to validate my experience or fill a gap that I am struggling with. This particular one, though, really bothered me – mainly because it feeds into a misconception that many people have.

The meme was a giant teardrop with the title, “The Tasks of Grief”. Then, it listed them as:
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E= Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost person
R = Reinvest in the new reality

Now… are all of those items true? Of course. That isn’t my conundrum. To explain myself, let me go way back to the beginning of this journey…

Let me start by explaining that I am a “list person”. I love my lists – grocery lists, task lists, bucket list, places to go list, books to read list… In other words, you name it, and I can usually make it into a list – nice, neat, orderly, organized… That is my happy space. In fact, if I do something that isn’t on the list, I will add it to the list, just to check it off.

So, when Bruce, died, I went on a hunt for a “how to heal from grief” list. Surely there had to be one – a nice, neat list that once completed would result in the pain of grief being gone and my world feeling right again.

In case you don’t already know, there is no such list.

Why? Well after 12+ years, I can tell that there are several reasons. One is that no one grieves the same as anyone else. Even if you are both grieving the same person, it will be different. Your relationship with that person and how they impacted your life will be different than anyone else, so, of course, your grief will be different, too.

However, that is the simple answer… When I read that years ago, I thought, “Of course, but I just want a basic list – some steps to follow.”

That is absolutely impossible, though. However, it is a truth born out of experience – not any book or video or blog that one can read. As we know (now), grief is not linear… It is not a straightforward path.
I’ve heard people describe it as a roller coaster ride with all of the ups and downs, but for my experience, even that is too tame of a description.

I think the best way to describe it is to liken it to a fine necklace that has someone ended up in knots. You know it is all one long chain, built link by link. Yet, it is all tangle – going in all directions, (up, down, forward, backward, and twisted like a corkscrew) and seemingly all at once. We know we can’t simply pull it apart”. Yet, finding the links you need to loosen on the chain so that you can unwind all the twisty bits can feel nearly impossible.

Like that chain, the emotions and pain of grief are not so easy to untangle either since day by day, moment by moment, you have no idea where they will lead. One day you might feel like going on and taking even one more breath is impossible, and the next, you are laughing or smiling and thinking, “I think I’m going to be okay”… Until you aren’t… again.

It took me a while to figure it out, but I learned…

Grief is not kind. It is a beast with sharp fangs.
Grief is not rational. It is a tornado of overwhelming emotions.
Grief is not linear. It is path that could give any maze a run for its money.
Grief has no timeline. It takes as long as it takes.

Thus, there is no list that is true for everyone all the time. Yet so many people think there is… or there should be. I think that is why this meme bugged me. Had I seen it at the beginning, I would have thought that I should “do” each of those things and in that order… Do it, check it off, and move on.

However, while that sounds like it would have been easier, these are actually just “milestones” – not tasks. And just like any other milestone in life, no one expects everyone to do them all or in the exact same order. Instead, we know that each person will make their individual choices, which will allow them to accomplish the milestones meant for them at the right time for them.

So, for me, the lesson becomes one of letting go… Letting go of expectations and checklists for this particular journey. It is about opening my heart to both the feelings and emotions of grieve, as well as the lessons it has shown me. It isn’t about stopping the grief, so much as learning how to process that grief moment by moment and learning how to make whatever adjustments are necessary to take the next breath or (even better) the next step.

I don’t know where each of you are on your own journey. However, I do hope you are doing what you can to take care of you… Ignoring well-intentioned “advice” that isn’t helpful and, instead, holding onto those things that bring you a moment of peace and maybe even some forward movement.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Where Would I Be?

Has anyone ever asked you, or do you ever ask yourself, “Where would I be if __________ were still here?” I do… Quite often actually… And over time that answer has evolved.

In the beginning, all I could think about was how Bruce’s death should never have happened. We weren’t that old. We had a whole future together laid out before us, and because I couldn’t picture a future without him, I couldn’t move forward… I was stuck.

Then, I spent years contemplating how Bruce had brought so much healing to our little family, but now it was gone. At least for me, it felt like all the progress I had made with my emotional and mental health, (after 20+ years of chaos and abuse in my prior marriage), was lost. I wanted to regain that healing, but I didn’t quite know to start.

So… I started trying to figure out the essence and soul of this man who had changed my life. I started reading the books he read – books by such people as the Dali Lama and Deepak Chopra. I started listening to the speakers he listened to, such as Wayne Dyer and Rob Bell. Then, I started to analyze how he took those lessons and applied them to his own faith.

I thought about how he often told me that he was a Christian, but not in the same way I was. At the time he said it, I didn’t get it. After all, “Christian is Christian”, right? Wrong! Suddenly, things were starting to click.

For him, it was never about “checking all the boxes” Christian culture has put into place. Instead, Bruce believed in acting out his faith, his own way – day by day, moment by moment with a little thing called love… unconditional love. He didn’t believe in the kind of faith that presents theology as some kind of race with very few winners. Instead, he lived a faith that was about love for everyone. With his faith, love wins every time… and consequently, so do we all.

These were the ideas that truly started my healing on this journey.

Then, a couple of years ago, I started asking myself where would I be if he hadn’t died that night? … And that question drove me even deeper… He died because of heart issues. His heart was twice the size it should have been. He must have felt badly for quite a while. So… what if he had never been sick at all? How would that have changed our trajectory?

The answer to that carries so many “what ifs” and so many ways things could have been… could have been…

I could make myself crazy asking those “what if” questions. However, the bottom line is he was sick, and he did die… And now it is up to me to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. Hence, these last several months, I have been asking myself, “If he hadn’t died, would I have worked so hard to heal emotionally or would I have continued to lean on him for that?”

It’s a valid question, I believe. I, also, think I am asking myself that because I already know the answer. I think I would have always leaned on him for my healing… But that wasn’t his issue to carry; it was mine. He was trying to show me how to do that, but until I absolutely had to, I wasn’t going to get very far.

I hate to say there was anything good in something so traumatic and devasting as his death. Yet, I must admit, I don’t know if I would have worked so hard if he were still here. I don’t know if I would have done even half of the things I have done to work on me.

Instead, I must honestly say that, with his life, Bruce exemplified how to love – even those people who are hard to love. He showed me how to love while setting healthy boundaries, which isn’t easy. Then, in his death, I learned how to take all of that, dig deeper, work harder, and make some much needed, healthy changes in my own life and how I interact with the rest of the world.

Where would I be if Bruce didn’t die? I have no idea. That isn’t the hand life dealt me. However, I can say that because Bruce was in my life, I am learning to be a better person… a better me… And that is something I will never want to be any different.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Re-membering

Re-membering… No, that isn’t a typo. Rather, it is a play on words…

I have a group of dear friends – a small group of ladies whose goal and purpose are to “hold the light” for each other… to be an anchor in a world that sometimes feels a bit overwhelming. I love these women and treasure not only their friendship but the wisdom and compassion that we offer each other. They have become a loving and grounding force in my world, and I am eternally grateful for each one.

Earlier this week when we were all together, one of them shared an old Egyptian myth. In the story, Isis’s husband has been killed, dismembered, and his body scattered to the far corners of the world. Because of her deep love, Isis cannot move past her grief until she finds all of him and reassembles his body in one place. She searches far and wide for the remains of her husband – unable to forget him. Eventually, not only is she able to reassemble him, she also is able to breathe life back into his body.

The myth itself is an old one and is meant to symbolize the transformative experience of healing from brokenness to aliveness because of an intimate connection. Even in the depths of her grief, Isis seems to have the ability to see the potential of wholeness even in the broken, discarded, buried, or lost. However, that transformation isn’t accomplished accidentally… She is showing us that we have to be the instruments of the healing. We have to gather the precious parts of ourselves… including the precious memories of others that we hold dear to our hearts.

This myth has been especially meaningful for me this week, since the anniversary of Bruce’s death is tomorrow. This time of year has always been a struggle for me… The memory of that night – of performing CPR as I watched him take his last breath… The constant battle within my heart to let go of the guilt and regret of not being able to save him that night. These thoughts and memories have always made this upcoming date a hard one to observe.

However, my sweet friend (holding the light for me) took the story another step further… For, it is by our own remembering of our loved ones that we can re-member our loved ones and breathe life back into their legacy and all they added to our world. So instead of being caught up in all we have lost, we can re-member and reconnect to the love we shared… and probably still do.

When I wake up tomorrow, I don’t know where I will be emotionally. However, thinking of this story and how it is so applicable even now, I find solace in knowing that I can still connect to Bruce in some way… To know that I am not at the mercy of my grief but instead have some control in how this plays out. So, while I have made a few plans for the day, those could change depending on so many different factors. Yet, I know that whatever the day brings, my focus will be on re-membering Bruce and the love we share… even now.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Facing Another Year

Last week, I was blessed to spend the last few days of 2024 with my parents and sister. It has been over a year since we were all together, so it truly was such precious time together. While I have always cherished time with loved ones, I think losing Bruce heightened my awareness of just how precious each moment is… After all, since we know that we aren’t promised the next one, the present moment is one to be relished.

Plus ending one year without Bruce, starting another, and facing the anniversary of his death in a few days, my heart has been primed to cherish each possible moment a little bit more. (If that is even possible.) At the beginning of this journey, there were so many years lost to shock and grief… So many years where I floundered to figure out where and how I could still fit in this world… So many years just simply lost.

Then, a couple of years ago, another personal crisis nearly broke me in two. It hurt so bad I still can’t even write about it… but it did something else too… Out of the ashes of that particular pain and all my grief for Bruce, I was driven to pull out of my comfort zone and meet new people… and it has been an amazing experience.

Don’t get me wrong. I have great friends and family who have been supporting me throughout this journey. I know I wouldn’t have survived this journey without them. However, I think sometimes life knows that there are new lessons which need to happen… and those lessons may require new people for a new perspective.

Because of these people and the perspective they have added to my world, I have found a quiet place in my soul… a place of solace that has made the darkness and pain not so prominent in my life. These people have shown me some great habits that have helped me immensely and changed my whole outlook on life.

One of the main things I have learned is to meditate each morning. (I know that may sound cheesy… I would have thought the same a few years ago.) Nonetheless, there is something incredibly healing about the practice of starting the day by simply sitting and breathing and quieting my mind. No matter what else may be happening, these few minutes spent doing absolutely nothing except feeling my space in this world helps to ground my emotions and set the tone for the rest of the day.

For me, it has become a special time when I can feel myself draw close to the Divine within. It isn’t about prayer; there are no words. It is about connection – like those relationships where the love and bond are so strong words simply aren’t necessary.

Afterward, I am able to carry that calm into the rest of my day. That may not seem like anything impressive to you. However, keep in mind that for years after losing Bruce, I was an emotional basket case. I was constantly struggling to control my depression and maintain my composure whenever life happened to throw a challenge my way… and that is a terrible way to go through life.

So, for the people around me, this has been a very noticeable change… And for me, I finally feel like me. I think I lost myself so long ago – way before Bruce. In fact, he was constantly trying to lead me back to myself, and I was getting there, (I think). But then he died… and I fell even further down that rabbit-hole of trying to be what I thought others expected, instead of learning to be comfortable in my own skin.

Now, though, I can think more clearly. Now, I can hold onto his legacy and catch a glimpse of what he saw. In fact, for the first time in many years, I can honestly say that I am excited about entering a new year and all of the exciting adventures it promises.

So… Happy New Year, my friends, and may we all remember to cherish each moment of 2025 for the gift that it is.

“In the Silence, I know my oneness with God and feel in the depths of my heart that all will truly be well. This is my comfort as I find my way through my life’s dark seasons.” ~ Daily Word: November/December 2024, Saturday, December 7

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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief