January 2023 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Finding Prosperity in Grief

This morning at church, one of the themes was centered around prosperity. We discussed how prosperity is usually defined as having to do with financial status or material possessions. The challenge for most of us is to think about prosperity in terms of our relationships, and how much richness is added to our lives through our relationships.

Immediately, I thought of Bruce and all that he added (and continues to add) to my life. This isn’t the first time I have thought about that. In fact, many of my journal entries include things I am thankful for, and in some form, Bruce is always on the list. In fact, on the anniversary of his death a few weeks ago, I made a long list of things about Bruce that I am thankful for… (After four pages, I stopped, but the list could have been much longer.)

On this list, I included the many ways I still feel him in my life… The things I feel he has had a hand in or chuckled about… or both. On that same anniversary day, one such scenario occurred, and since it continues to make me laugh and has already become one of my favorite precious memories, I thought I’d share it with y’all today… (And hopefully, it will bring a smile to your face, too.)

As I mentioned last week, I took the day off to spend it in quiet reflection, while also allowing myself to write and feel all the things. I spent the morning in our home. Yes, I cried, but I also smiled as I remembered so many wonderful memories – reliving them in my mind’s eye and expressing so much gratitude for each and every one.

For lunch, I went to a waterfront tiki bar in a nearby town. While Bruce never had the opportunity to go there, it is a place I recently found and the whole vibe is one he would have loved. I think it would have become our weekend spot if he had known about it. I spent over an hour there, simply enjoying the waterfront view and the delicious seafood… (the glass of wine didn’t hurt either). I even splurged, and had key lime pie for dessert, which was Bruce’s specialty. I never knew when he was going to make one. I would just come home and find one in the frig (and a grin on Bruce’s face). His was the best Key Lime pie! I always loved this kind of surprise. Admittedly, it’s been a long time since I had Key Lime pie, and this one did not disappoint.

From there, I headed out to the beach. For reference, there are 13 stations. Numbers 1 – 5 have a bit of a steep incline, both over the dunes and out to the shoreline, so we rarely went to these when Bruce was alive. Station #13 has long been the nudist station, and there are signs as you drive in stating such, so that no one will be caught off guard, and people can make their own choices about where to spend their time.
I need to explain that Bruce would always tease me about going to #13. Not that I care – you want to be naked, then be naked. Honestly, I wish I had the self-confidence and positive body image to do that… But I don’t. So… our favorite was station #9. We used to spend many Sundays out there – Bruce fishing and me reading or both of us simply relaxing and holding hands. There are so many wonderful memories there. This is also where his ashes were sprinkled way offshore many years ago.

So, this is where I wanted to be…

I simply wanted to go sit out there and enjoy that space… To feel Bruce nearby and do some more reflection and writing. (I guess, for me, it is like going to sit by a loved one’s grave sight – or as close as I can get.)

However, due to the damage from hurricane Nicole, the only open stations were #1 – #5 and #7. Well, since #7 was as close as I could get to #9, that is where I headed. It was a sunny day, but the temps were only hovering around the mid-70s on shore, (which meant the beach would be about 10 degrees cooler once you crossed the dunes). No worries, I had on jeans, tennis shoes, and a hoodie – with the sun shining, I figured I would be warm enough.

I pulled my gear out of the trunk and started the hike on the boardwalk over the dunes. As I reached the top, I noticed a man… a naked man walking back from the water to his chair. “Oh,” I thought, “we’re going to do that today, I see.” Oh well… to each his own. After all, it was a weekday, maybe he felt so inclined since there wouldn’t be that many people here… Who knows?? Honestly, I really didn’t care.

Then, as I scanned the shoreline to find a place to settle, I noticed that everyone on the beach was nude… or at least 99% of them. I didn’t care… I just took my chair, and since the tide was going out, I settled as close to the water as possible… And here is what I wrote…

“Hi Babe! I am at the beach and must ask you… “Did you have a hand in this?” Holy Moly! So the nude beach has evidently been moved to #7 for the time being. I can’t tell you how surprised I was when I crossed the dunes… and how much I want to giggle. (I know – I am five years old over here.) I don’t care, though, so here I sit, fully clothed, in the middle of a bunch of naked people. I am sure you are laughing so hard right now! This is a friendly lot, though. Everyone says “hi” and are all talking to each other (and me). Oh my gosh! How I miss sharing stuff like this with you. At the same time, I can’t help but feel like you had a hand in this, so that I would laugh today. Thank you, Babe, for another precious memory!”

So… This is where my prosperity is… in the many precious memories shared with and /or because of the people I love… and in this particular case, it is Bruce!
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and at certain times of the year, (like now), it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us chose this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined. Each time I think I have it all figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. Life is filled with challenges for all of us. For me, my goal is to look at this year before me and (intentionally) hold onto the joy and the hope life holds.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief… Another Milestone

First, I need to apologize. I couldn’t write last week… Physically – yes, I could have… Emotionally – no, I could not. Even this week, it is still a struggle to write about what I am feeling these last few weeks.

Second, I want to thank all of the people who have been by my side, taking turns calling me daily to check in while offering me more love and support than I could ever repay. Thank you!

So… What has me so emotional? Two weeks ago, I observed the ten-year anniversary of Bruce’s death…

A decade! How has it been a whole decade… It’s so hard to believe. One would think after 10 years, I would be able to manage my emotions fairly well. Shoot, even I thought that, but I was wrong. I am told this is because it is a “milestone” … Whatever the reason, I have really struggled. This day has proven to be just as hard as that first year, and I feel silly to admit it… but it is what it is, and I have always striven to be honest here.

Last week, I couldn’t write… It was all too much… my emotions too raw. Even today, I’m not really sure what to write. So, I hope you will indulge me as I simply share several of the items I journaled that week.

I miss you
And my heart is breaking…
Again.

I miss you
And the tears are falling…
Again

I miss you
And I’m all alone…
Again.
~ Linda, 2023
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Bruce was sent to me,
Like the perfect gift –
Full of love and kindness.
Always gentle –
Like a balm for my broken soul.

Then, like a cruel joke,
He was ripped away –
Torn from my life.

My world is gone.
My heart is shattered.
My life feels broken.
How do I go on from here?

Will I ever know joy again?
Will I ever be at peace?
Or will I always move forward cautiously –
Feeling abandoned and alone?
~ Linda, 2023
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I just want to curl up into a ball.
I want to pull a blanket up over my head
And pretend the whole world
And this F***ing reality don’t exist.
I just want this pain to stop…
Please, God… just make it stop!
~ Linda, 2023
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My heart is so sad…
So heavy…
So broken…
I still don’t understand.
How can you be gone?
Why did you leave me?
The tears won’t stop.
The pain won’t stop.
I just want you.
~ Linda, 2023
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I woke up crying.
The sun isn’t up
And my heart is already breaking into 1000 pieces.
I wonder if this day will ever come and go
Without all this pain?
Probably not…
Not until the day when I am there with you.
~ Linda, 2023
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No… I’m not okay.
Each morning, I wake up
And my heart breaks all over again.
A million tiny pieces,
And I don’t know how to put it back together.
I miss him so much…
So, no… I’m not okay.
~ Linda, 2023
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Hi Babe,
I miss you so much this morning. I woke up crying. I seem to get it under control, but 2 – 3 breaths later, I am crying again. I have things planned for today. Things I want to do to honor and remember you. But right now, all I want to do is sit here… in my PJs… in my favorite chair… with my tea and my “comfort” blanket… looking around our home – remembering so many good times… so many precious memories.

Ten years… ten damn years… and it still hurts as bad as at the beginning.

I love this place… the memories here. (sigh) I can’t imagine ever leaving and not being here. I feel you here, and that really does bring me some comfort. Maybe it is just my emotions or the idea that I want to feel you and so I do. It doesn’t matter. It gives me a space of peace and comfort, especially on days like today – days where the grief is so absolute, I struggle to see a way forward.

You came into my life at a time when I had been beaten down so low. I was convinced love was a myth – a fairy tale – not anything real or lasting. Then, you (literally) sailed into my life, and your love lifted me back up and showed me what love and joy really were. You taught me to believe in myself. You gave me acceptance and unconditional love – only ever asking that I love you back – so simple… so wonderful… so complete.

Then, in a breath, in a moment, you were gone. And I continue pushing myself to keep moving forward – to not fall back into that low place that came before you… That is my struggle.

Some days I do better than others. Most days, I actually do pretty good. I have learned to laugh and smile again. (That took a while.) I have learned that it’s okay to enjoy life and the love of those around me, even though you are gone. But… then… there are the days (like today) when I can’t avoid staring your loss in the face… where the memories of our last days together remind me that it is the ordinary moments I miss the most… Where the shock of your death and my failure to save you fill my mind and leave me struggling in a darkness that won’t let me go…

I miss you, Babe… I know… ten years. I should be doing better, but I can’t stop loving you. There isn’t a switch to turn off. Instead, there is all this love with no place to go. And so… I sit here… crying… still praying that this is not real, even when I know it is.

I love you, Babe – Always and Forever!
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and at certain times of the year, (like now), it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us chose this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined. Each time I think I have it all figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. Life is filled with challenges for all of us. For me, my goal is to look at this year before me and (intentionally) hold onto the joy and the hope life holds.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Where is My Focus

I have good friends.
I have good family.
I am in a good place.
So, why does it still hurt so bad?
~ Linda, 2021

In my morning readings this week, I came upon a list of the “Keys to Happiness”. The very first one stated, “Happiness is a choice.” Hmmm… I have heard this many times before and always find it interesting. As if our sadness, grief, depression, or whatever we are dealing with should be put aside, ignored, and is somehow our choice and our fault.

I am sure there are those who swear by this mantra, and (to a point) I get it. Generally speaking, I am a positive person. As a past performer, I know, as well as anyone, how to smile at the world when everything on the inside is falling apart. But let’s be honest… happiness isn’t our only emotion… And how healthy is it really to ignore all other emotions and only allow “happiness” – real or pretend – into our lives. I believe it is healthier to feel and work through those other emotions and situations, so that we can be our full, authentic self versus a pretend shadow of who we really are.

Don’t get me wrong… I understand the importance of knowing when and where to do that work, plus the added responsibility of implementing some emotional regulation and control. But completely ignoring all other emotions besides happiness isn’t realistic nor healthy for anyone.

Instead, I think it is more about where we decide to place our focus on any given day and at any given moment…

When Bruce first died, I heard all about this “new normal” that I needed to adjust to – the sooner the better, supposedly. Then, I was told that time would heal… That was all I needed – time. Yet, when that didn’t turn out to be the case, I was told that it was like an injury – the scar or limp would always be there, but the pain and such would fade – remembered but no longer really hurting. Again… That has not been my reality.

Instead, I have found it to be more like an object lesson about focus that we used to use with our kids in school…

Picture a dime… It’s small – not big at all. You can easily hold it between two fingers or hide it in your fist. Now, if you take that dime and hold it close to your face… So close that it blocks almost everything else from your view. At that point, it demands your focus. You have no choice since it is (almost) the only thing you can see. However, as you pull it further away – further back – the rest of the world starts to open up to you again. You can see all the things that were blocked before. Now… that dime is still there. It is the same size it has always been. You can still see it and hold it, but it no longer demands all your focus.

Grief is like that dime… There are days where that grief (dime) is simply a part of the landscape. You know it is there. You can see it, and you can even feel it when you let yourself think about it. In fact, it can easily take over your entire field of vision, if you focus on it a lot (or “too much” according to some). At that point, the pain becomes intense and everything else fades back into the background.

In the beginning, this was every moment of every day. Throughout the years, I have learned to hold that grief far enough out, so that most days I can see and enjoy the rest of my world. My grief isn’t gone; it just isn’t my entire focus. Instead, it is another piece in my life’s tapestry.

However, even now after all this time, there are still days when that grief does blot out everything else… And it isn’t like a scar or a limp… The pain and loneliness are just as strong and just as real as on day one. The only difference is that now, I have a better idea of how to handle it… and a better understanding of how to work through those moments so I can be stronger for the next one.

This week, as the anniversary of Bruce’s death approaches, that grief is getting closer and closer… Each day it seems to be blocking out more and more of the rest of my world. I understand why and I know that it will pass… But I also know that for the next several days, it will be my focus… And by acknowledging it and working through it, I believe I am being much healthier and kinder to myself, than if I ignored it and pretended I didn’t feel it at all.

There is a pain so intense
So deep
It cannot be healed.
It is my soul crying out for yours…
~ Linda, 2015

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and at certain times of the year, it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to on this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. This next week will hold a lot of challenges for me, as I face the anniversary of Bruce’s death, but my goal is to look at this new year before me and find the joy and the hope life holds.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Here We Go Again

You would think it would get easier. Instead, every year it gets a little bit harder to come to terms with the fact that another year has come and gone without Bruce… Another holiday season without the love of my life… Another multitude of celebrations with an empty space next to me where he should be… And once again, I am left crying to myself and wondering what our life might be like if he were still here.

I must give credit, though, to the many people who invited me into their celebrations this year – more, I think, than I have ever attended. Each time, however, I found myself worried in anticipation… Did they really want me there? Was this simply because they felt sorry for me? Should I go or bow out? Was I intruding or truly welcome?

Well, I can say without a doubt, each and every time, I felt extremely welcomed and loved and included. A holiday season that I thought was going to be a bust turned into a season of compassion and friendship and more love than I would have ever dared ask for.

More than likely, most of us reading this had people missing from our table – some due to loss and others due to other circumstances that prevented us from being together… (At least, it was that way for me.) Whichever reason those seats were empty, doesn’t really matter. It was still heartbreaking… While there was plenty of laughter, love, and fun, there were also those quiet moments when I had to excuse myself and find a quiet space to let my heart grieve… to feel what I felt and cry a few tears for those empty seats amongst us.

I am sure I have probably been in my own head too much throughout this season. There have been days when the world around me was a blur, and it has taken everything in me just to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have been constantly thinking about how much I still miss him… And how lonely life can be without him… Even on my best days, I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if he were here beside me to toast another year together… another year of “us”.

But that wasn’t meant to be… That was not the future we were offered. Instead, somewhere in my heart there is a hole that will never be filled. I know… at this point, I need to take a breath, look around and remember all the love I still have in my life…

Thankfully, I am blessed to be completely surrounded by friends and family who love me. People who understand I am doing the best I know how… So, today, as we face another year without those we love, I pray that each of us allows ourselves the space to grieve and the peace to heal… at least a little bit more than we are today.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and this time of year, it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to on this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. These next few weeks will still hold many challenges for me, as I face the anniversary of his death, but my goal is to look into this new year before me and find the joy and the hope life holds.