“In your light I learn how to love. In your beauty, how to make poems. You dance inside my chest where no-one sees you, but sometimes I do, and that sight becomes this art.” ~ Rumi
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I’m not sure why, but this morning I was reminded of one of the first arguments Bruce and I had. We didn’t argue often, so I can remember most of them pretty clearly… But that first one stands out always stands out for me…
We were living in Michigan, and I had recently started a (temporary) retail job meant to bring in some kind of income while I looked for something that was more permanent and aligned with my passions. It was Saturday. I had worked a full day by myself in the store, which meant no breaks, and I was exhausted. Bruce was off and was preparing dinner when I came home.
For the life of me, I don’t remember what we argued about, but it happened right away. He said something (who knows what) and I reacted with tears (of course), before leaving the room and going to sit down in the living room a few feet away.
I hadn’t argued back… At that point, I was still living in the shell-shocked mode of someone who was used to keeping her mouth shut to avoid an explosion of more anger or violence from the other person. It felt safer to simply close up inside myself and walk away… and so I did. In my mind, I was already thinking back to experiences in my first marriage and reprimanding myself with statements like, “Here we go again” and “How did I end up here again?”
I sat there in the dark with my eyes closed, wishing I could be anywhere but there… doing anything but this.
Next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and there he was beside me. He lifted his hand… and I flinched – waiting to be hit or shoved or whatever. Instead, he handed me a tissue. Then, he took my hands and leaned in, placing his forehead against my own.
“You okay?” he asked.
I shrugged – unable to talk with sobbing. Without a word, he took me in his arms, and we just sat there for a while – no one saying a word. Once my breathing slowed down, he took reached up and lifted my chin so that he could look me in the eyes.
“It’s okay to disagree,” he started. “We’re going to disagree… But disagreeing doesn’t mean that things between us are over. It doesn’t mean you have to give me my way… And it definitely doesn’t mean I’m going to respond by hurting you.”
I remember looking at those wonderfully, gentle eyes and asking, “So, what do we do now?”
He grinned and said, “We talk… We find some common ground and we start there. Then, we find a way to meet somewhere in the middle… somewhere that works for both of us – in a way that we can both live with… It’s not all me and it’s not all you… It’s about us.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” I sighed and took a deep breath. “This feels really hard.”
“It might be… Sometimes it absolutely will be hard… But it’s worth it. We’re worth… Our marriage… our relationship… It’s worth the hard work.”
He was so right! It took me years, to become comfortable with those hard conversations, but it was definitely worth it.
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“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts… but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” ~ Anonymous Shoshone Tribal Member
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So why am I telling you this today? Because, somehow in today’s society, we’ve forgotten this. I look around and I see so many of people who only want to have relationships with people who think just like them… As if there is no more room for different thoughts or opinions… And that makes me so sad.
I hear how people talk to and about other people who think differently about religion or politics, and it isn’t nice. There is rarely any compassion or motivation to understand each other… “Meeting in the middle” or finding that space where we can compromise and find a livable space for all of us seems like a forgotten art.
However, that isn’t how life is meant to be. No one person has all the answers. No one person is right all the time… And no relationship can be solid if conversation and talking through differences isn’t on the table… Instead, it is up to each of us to offer compassion… to listen so that we can find common ground and work to build a relationship with understanding and compassion as the foundation.
Good relationships will never mean no arguments. It means caring enough about each other and our communities to work through the hard stuff without giving up… It means growing as a couple or as individuals as we figure out how to “meet in the middle” somewhere… It means that every person is important, and we need to remember how to live in a way that lets every person’s light shine.
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“Don’t you know yet? It is your light that lights the worlds.” ~ Rumi
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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