Month: September 2025

Peace, Love, and Grief – Sing Your Song

“The dialogue ended
no more give-and-take
now there was one way
their way
the tone of taunt in every exchange:
“Why can’t you sing your song?
We’ll play the music . . .
you just sing along”
~ Jerry Webber, Psalm 137 Prayer (excerpt)

I have talked several times in this blog about the fact that every grief journey is different – as individual as each of us. Honestly, though, every life journey is different, and ours just happens to also include this path of grief and loss.

I have also talked about how Bruce always encouraged me to speak up – to have a voice that is genuinely mine and not be afraid to share that. Then, when he died, I struggled for many years to continue in that direction. In fact, I believe I spent years moving backwards – afraid my voice wasn’t enough… afraid to speak out and share what is inside with those around me.

Last May, while on a spiritual retreat, one of the speakers talked about just that… Finding your voice and offering it to the world… After all, if you don’t sing your song to the world, your song won’t be sung… and we all have a song to sing… a song that matters… a song that is only ours.

That has been my goal is so many areas of my life, (including this blog), – to be brave, speak up, and sing my own song. I know that not everyone will agree with everything I say. Of course not! It is my song based on my experience. Someone else’s may be similar, but it will never be the exact same experience… the exact same song.

What I don’t want to do is change my song to match someone else’s song or their experience. That is theirs to vocalize (or not). I spent my childhood and most of my adult life, stifling my song – too scared on how others might react or respond… too scared that others might decide to walk away. In fact, some people have chosen to walk away… and that’s okay. I am learning to live with that and accept it.

Bruce, however, showed me that my voice is just as important and valid as anyone else’s. He also reiterated many times that when someone withholds their part in this world, (even just a little bit), the world cannot become what it is meant to become. Every voice and every journey is important… and no one should stop singing their song for another…

So, sing your song… because if you don’t, your song won’t be sung… and that would be so sad…

“I am me –
unique and wonderful in all my imperfections…
I know this because,
I am a child of God.

The song I sing
Is only mine to sing.
I know this because,
I am a child of God.

My desires do not require anything
Other than my own openness.
Will I create the space for these holy gifts
already imbedded deep in my soul?
Will I accept this quiet invitation
to co-create this world around me with the Divine?
Yes…
Because…
I am me –
A sacred child of God.”
~ Linda, May 2025 (excerpt)

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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Permission

This week, while talking to Bruce’s parents, the conversation (naturally) moved to Bruce and all that entails – how much we love him and how much we miss him… And for me, I always thank them for gift of this wonderful man they raised to be so kind and loving. As we talked, the tears were streaming down my face, and there were moments when none of us could even form words – so thick was our shared grief.

For me, it didn’t stop there. I was still crying as I crawled into bed. And before turning out the lights, I whispered to Bruce, “I still miss you, Babe… I still love you… I don’t know how to stop.”

When I woke up the next morning, I was better, but I found myself thinking about something that I have read many times. There is a notion making the rounds that for people who are grieving, it can be hard to let the grief go, because our grief often feels like one of the last connections we have to our loved ones. That is quite the statement, (feels a bit judgy) and I’m not sure how I feel about that… I can’t say it is completely wrong, but I don’t know that it is completely right either.

For me, if I am honest with myself, I suppose there is some truth to this statement. I don’t know how to not grieve the loss of Bruce. Over the years, I have learned how to compartmentalize it and put it aside as needed… At least, most of the time. However, it isn’t quite as simple as the statement above…

It isn’t a matter of being my “last connection” to Bruce, although in many ways, I guess it is the way I connect to him… But it is a little bit different than that. You see, it isn’t that I refuse to let go… It is more about the triggers that occur when I think about him or want to share something with him or when I hear “our song” or any other number of things… Then the tears start and my heart shatters all over again. Then, if I let myself think about this particular logic, there is added guilty for my emotions, and I question what is behind my grief.

That’s not fair and it isn’t helpful.

We all have permission to fall apart sometimes (as needed) … No guilt… No judgement… No need to analyze the “why” unless we want to – no one else. It isn’t their place (period).

Here is the part I hope each of us remembers when these waves of grief hit us…
• Falling apart is allowed.
• Grief is hard.
• To survive grief, we are warriors – fierce and strong.

Don’t ever let anyone else tell you otherwise, and do not give them the power to tell you how and/or when to grieve… This is your journey – not theirs. Keep doing whatever it is that you need to do in those moments. That is how we heal… That is how we continue to live.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Language of the Heart

“Our feelings are our heart’s internal wisdom speaking to us. Emotions help us by giving voice to what we need and giving us strength and resolve to take appropriate action through this morass of illness, decision-making, and loss.”
~ Rev. Patricia Gulino Lansky, What to Expect When You’re Grieving

We all know that our emotions can be up one moment and down the next. Many of us are taught early on that we need to “control” our emotions… reign them in… We need to be sure that we are in control of our emotions and not the other way around.

I can’t say that I totally disagree with that… I also can’t say that I totally agree either. I think it is more of a balance vs control. For example, if we try to control our emotions to the point where we no longer feel them, that is called repression… and it is unhealthy. At the same time, if we allow our emotions to completely take over our thought processes with no regard to how our actions might affect others, that can become dangerous and is also unhealthy.

Good or bad, it’s important to realize that our emotions are like a window into our soul… They are a way to understand how we are currently experiencing the world around us. It is important to acknowledge how we are feeling and process those emotions before we act.

The night Bruce died, I think my mind realized the pain that was coming and shut down, in a way, so that I was running on instinct… and nothing more. I remember every moment of that night. When I first started to arouse, I thought he was snoring weird or having a nightmare, so I nudged him a few times. There was no panic yet… no real emotion. I just wanted to go back to sleep.

It was only seconds later when I realized that this was much more serious. When I called 911, the operator asked me if he was breathing… Honestly, I wasn’t sure. His breathing was so ragged… He would take a quick breath, then, just as I thought that was it, he would let it out and take another. “Yes… no… yes… it’s not normal. He is struggling,” I remember saying.

The operator walked me through all the things I needed to do for the EMS crew to get in and for me to start CPR. Once again, they asked if Bruce was breathing. “Yes,” I answered as he exhaled… I waited for the inhale which I knew would be slow to come… but it never came… And my heart broke as I started CPR.

I didn’t cry though… not yet. It was as if my mind knew there was too much at stake to start that now… There was work to do… Surely, he would come out of this… Surely, he would be okay.

When the EMS crew arrived, they took over. I moved to the corner and watched… still no tears. I watched them load him on a gurney as I answered questions about his medications and if I wanted a ride to the hospital. I was rational enough to answer all the questions, grab his medications from the cabinet, climb into the police cruiser, fasten my seat belt, and make the first call…

“Momma,” I managed to whisper, “We’re on our way to the hospital… I think Bruce is… dead. Can you come?”

(And breathe…) Even writing this sends me back to that night… every light, every smell, all of it. I know I cried once the doctors confirmed what I already knew… I don’t remember the tears, but I remember going through tissues after tissue. I remember wanting to world to just stop for a minute so that I could catch up to what was happening… It was too much too fast… This couldn’t be real, could it?

I firmly believe my mind went into overdrive to protect me from all of the emotions that would come later. For the first several days, all I could do was just sit and stare into nothingness. The shock of what was happening was more than my mind could comprehend. I am so thankful for Bruce’s and my family who came and sat with me… helping through those first few days… reminding me (and making a list) of all the things I would need to do to take care of the business of death.

That was over 12 years ago… Since then, I have felt a lot of emotions in connection to the grief I have felt for Bruce’s death. Throughout that time, there have people who thought I should have “gotten over it” faster than I did. That’s okay… I have managed it in my own time.

Here’s the thing… with great love comes great loss and great grief. And grief of this magnitude was not anything I had ever experienced before. It was a path I knew nothing about. At the same time, I learned to be brutely honest about those emotions… the window to my soul and all that was in turmoil in there.

Those emotions allowed me to “give voice” to my grief – in my journal, my poetry, my painting, and this blog. While my mind closed that mind at the beginning, once I learned how to open that window, there was no turning back… I had to learn how to speak that language of my heart or I would not have survived.

Allowing myself to feel and process those emotions through the years has taken a long time, and I know it will likely be a lifelong journey in some way. I also know that it was as important to my psyche as breathing is to my body.

This process of working with and through our emotions… grief in this instance – are how we find healing, balance, and wholeness. It is how we are able to walk past what we knew and enter into what is and will be…
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Part That Makes My Heart Hurt

Back in May, I attended a week-long spiritual academy. While it was my 2nd time attending this particular retreat, it was the first time since Covid shut us all down in 2020, and boy-o-boy, was I ready. I am pretty sure I wrote about it when I came back because the ideas and spiritual challenges that occur there are like balm for my soul.

During the week, the speakers brought up a theory on life which says that life goes in cycles of Orientation, Disorientation, and New Orientation. Truthfully, I have heard this before from other authors I have read, but there was something about hearing it, discussing it, and writing about it that brought it to life and made it real for me.

Just like all of us, I have gone through this cycle so many times in this lifetime… And that week in May brought a lot of those memories, emotions, and feelings of despair back to the surface. However, it also provided a framework that helps me to understand the healing and positive change that also emerges from the ashes – kind of like the legendary phoenix.

Today, as I was contemplating all of this, I found myself grateful to currently be in an Orientation phase. At the same time, there are several people I know and love that are smack dab in the middle of the Disorientation phase… And I know just how hard and lonely that spot can feel.

Here’s the thing, though, sometimes, our Orientation, while it is our current ‘normal’ isn’t always a good space. It is simply a space we are accustomed to – like choosing to stick with the elephant in the room rather than risk the one unknown.

I know that for me, that is exactly where I was right before I left my first marriage. As I have said before, things were bad – physically, emotionally, financially… and the list goes on. (I’m sure you get the picture.) I had been raised to stick with it – see my commitment through… Pray more, love more, be more. Yet, no matter how much I prayed… or loved… or tried to be the “perfect wife”, it was an impossible goal. No matter what I (or the kids) did the bar was always moving according to his momentary whims.

For a long time, I thought I was protecting my children and doing the right thing by staying… until I just couldn’t do it any more… And we left. It took 3 years for things to be finalized, and just as attorneys will warn you, things escalated and got significantly worse during that time. Most days, the ‘Disorientation’ of those years felt like more than I could bear. Every time I felt like I could catch my breath, the rug was pulled back out from under me again.

Truly, if it weren’t for the love I have for my kids and my determination to (finally) get them out of that situation, I don’t know if I would have survived it… In other words, if it had only been about me, I don’t know that I would have made it through. But we did…

Then, by the grace of God, Bruce (literally) sailed into our lives and opened the door to a world we had never experienced before. For me, the love he offered was something I had never been experienced before… Here was this giant of a man, who was gentle and caring. He encouraged me to simply be me – not some version of me that he expected.

It was a New Orientation that I couldn’t have ever imagined.

Growing up in the deep south and under religious theology that said I was ‘less than’ simply because I am a woman, I had never known a relationship that offered me such autonomy… I kept my own name. I had my own bank account. We did our own laundry, bought our own groceries, and cooked our own meals. We were two healthy, individuals who shared a home filled with love and respect for each other as humans… with neither of us trying to hold power over the other one.

This kind of love and respect led to deep heartfelt discussions, intense emotional bonding and caring, and a friendship so strong that I had never experienced anything like it. For the first time in my life, I was loved and encouraged to just be me… all of me… even when it was uncomfortable and hard. That is the unconditional love I had always heard about, but at the time (as a 40+ year old woman), I didn’t think such a thing existed.

Then, a few short years later, I woke up in the middle of the night to find Bruce struggling to breathe. It felt like hours, but it was only seconds, before I called 911 and started CPR. The EMTs arrived within minutes and took over… But, as I watched in shock, that line on the machine never moved… He was gone…

And my world fell apart. This Disorientation was stronger and deeper than anything I had ever experienced… It felt like a bottomless pit, and the downward fall was endless.

That first year or two is still a blur. Not just the shock of that night and the reality of his death, but the way my entire world suddenly stopped and changed directions was more than I could handle. In the middle of all that pain and with no place to turn, I quickly returned to that old mindset of “not enough” … And I stayed there for a long time.

This New Orientation was not a good one, and I couldn’t see an end to the pain. I began to think that this was how it would always be going forward.

This part of my journey was where I struggled then… and where I still have some struggles now. This is the stuff that, to this day, still makes my heart hurt. At the same time, I have learned through the past few years that I can either let myself get stuck there, and let it this be my Orientation… Or I can remember what we had together… What he offered me in terms of unconditional love… Then, with those memories held tight, I can pick up the pieces of my heart and pull myself back together.

Bruce showed me that I am stronger than I was ever taught to believe. Being “me” is a good thing… a healthy thing… and something I should never sacrifice to please someone else. He also showed me how to offer that same kind of love to those around me… Not the kind that says ‘yes’ to everything and everyone whether or not I should. Instead, he showed me the kind of love that says ‘yes’ or ‘no’ out of respect to all and in accordance to my own values. In other words, the kind of love that allows me to consider my own self-respect… my own boundaries before I respond – truthfully and honestly.

So… time has passed and that New Orientation has simply become my current Orientation. I still hate that Bruce is gone… That part makes my heart hurt… However, that is just a part of this space.

Will there be more Disorientation in my future? Of course… That is just the way life is.

The difference now, though, is in my grounding… My understanding of who I am and standing strong in that knowledge. I will always be eternally grateful to Bruce for his legacy of unconditional love and respect that he shared with me. Because of him, I am able to hold my head up… and smile… and love… while also believing that he is probably kind of proud of who I am becoming… because of him.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.