July 2024 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Triggers

For the past several months, I have been on a “good” streak emotionally. I have missed Bruce, but I felt in control of my grief and the emotions that come with that. I think it has been the longest, good streak I have had since he died. Honestly, I have been kind of proud of myself, because the past 11 months have held a lot of challenges – deaths, family illnesses and injuries, job loss, career changes, relationship struggles, and the list goes on. In other words, life has happened, and I have maneuvered through it pretty well.

Some days I have found myself, wishing more than anything that Bruce was still here… To find my way through these obstacles without him is hard. Therapy has helped, as I have written about before, and I am pretty sure it is the reason this good streak lasted as long as it did…

Yes, … “did”… as in “past tense”…

I don’t know why things have hit me differently this week, but they have. I mean, there are always challenges and triggers, but this week, I have just felt them more… I have hurt more… I have cried more… and I have missed Bruce more. This has been one of those weeks where all I want to do is sit in my favorite chair and either cry or stare at nothing as time ticks by. (Thankfully, I had therapy this week, so I can say that I have managed this wave of grief far better than in the past… So, there’s that.)

Anyway, since the whole point of this blog is to be honest about my journey, that is what I am struggling to do today… And since I am still in the middle of this one, it really is a struggle to write anything at all.

I wish I understood triggers and the massive waves of grief that come with them. I wish I had a black and white answer for moving past them. Being a “list” person, I wish there were a list of things to do, and the grief would magically be gone… But none of that exists. Instead, I need to fight my way back out of this one.

The strange part is my triggers this week actually had more to do with the manipulation and abuse in my first marriage. Those triggers leave me feeling vulnerable and drained… When Bruce and I were first married, the kids and I had a lot of healing to do… and Bruce… kind, gentle, loving Bruce was there for us. He never shied away or acted like it wasn’t his problem. Instead, he painstakingly loved us through it – one hard moment at a time.

This week, I have missed that so much. Back then, when the emotions grew to be too much or a nightmare from past events woke me up, he would gently take me in his arms and simply hold me. He didn’t try to talk me out of my emotions or memories. He simply held me until I felt safe again… I miss that… I miss that a lot.

And that’s where I am today… I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to be social. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to think… I am overwhelmed with all those old emotions of being “not worthy” and “not enough”, while also wishing beyond anything else that I could feel Bruce’s arms holding me. Instead, the tears keep flowing, and I am struggling to even breathe.

I don’t want to end this message on that note, but if I am going to be honest, this is where I am emotionally today. At the same time, I also know all of those things that happened, and all these emotions that have been triggered, they are from the past… That past is no longer my world. I survived that and got out… and married a man who always showed me I am worthy, and I am enough.

So… I know it will get better, and with any luck at all, I will wake up tomorrow feeling a little bit stronger and little bit better… And until then, I will simply be patient with myself.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief – Relationships

Humans are built to be relational – with others… and with ourselves. We do this through… wait for it… Yep, relationships… So, what is a relationship?

I was asked this question yesterday, and honestly, I struggled at first to answer… Did they want a dictionary definition? Did they want a distinction between good and bad relationships? Then, they simply repeated the question and waited… What is a relationship?

I finally responded by describing my relationship with Bruce… This relationship was so completely different from all the others in my life at that time. Ours was the first one that I knew without a doubt was completely without conditions – unconditional love… What a gift!!

As most other people I knew growing up, our home was an authoritarian one. My father was “in charge” … And my mother and our religion backed him – always… and the goal that was always presented (at home and at church) was perfection… While we knew we could never achieve perfection, we were to strive for it anyway – at all times and in all things.

(Before I go any further, please know I am not saying this in anger. It is simply what was… It was a different time with different cultural expectations. I sincerely believe that each person was doing what they thought was best with the knowledge and experience they possessed – nothing more, nothing less.)

Needless to say, though, I failed miserably at this pursuit and was well aware of my failures in this realm even as a toddler. For me, as a result, I spent most of my life trying to convince others that I was worthy of being loved by trying to be whatever I thought they wanted me to be… which only led to more feelings of failure because who could love me, when I didn’t feel it was safe to love myself and show anyone who I really was.

Over time, it became a cycle of screwing up (failing), jumping back on the “perfection” train and trying again, only to fail again… and again… and again. Why? Because perfection is an ideological myth. Perfection is defined by the person doing the judging, which means the needle is always moving… and how do you live a life like that?

What if, instead, we were to realize that the Divine has created each of us and sees us as His/Her whole and perfect creation? What if we really took it to heart that God created and declared that we are good simply because we are His/Her creation?

That was what I experienced with Bruce. That was the relationship that changed my entire world.

After my divorce, my Momma told me that she was praying that I would find someone who could love me with the love of Jesus – but with skin on… In other words, someone who understood that we are simply to relate to each other with the love of the Christ – a fully conscious decision to accept someone’s differences, personality, quirks, and all that makes them who they are. How close we grow with that person depends on how we relate to each other, but judgements and grandiose expectations are not needed.

In answer to her prayers, Bruce entered my world, and that is exactly what he offered me… A relationship without judgement… a relationship that allowed – no, supported and encouraged – me to simply be me. I could pursue my dreams. I could make my mistakes. I could determine the path I wanted to follow… In other words, I could live my life – not one someone else envisioned for me… And through it all, Bruce constantly reiterated his support and love… Whenever I asked if there was something more he needed from me (something I had always been taught to do, especially as a woman), the answer was always the same…

“Just love me,” he would say with a smile. “That’s all… just keep loving me.”

In that moment, I knew… Bruce and I saw each other at our best and at our worst… and it didn’t matter. Love is love and that really was the only requirement in the relationship.

What an amazing feeling! To know without a doubt that I was lovable as me – nothing more was needed – “perfection” be damned. I was enough… I was worthy as I was… and Bruce loved me just as the Divine created me.

That my friends, is a relationship… That was my answer to the question… And that, I believe, is how we are called to love each other.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Blessings

Hello, my friends! I apologize for missing last week. I was on vacation. (Sadly, due to certain situations in my life, I never feel safe making that announcement beforehand.)

This week, I want to do something a little bit different. I want to offer blessings to each and every one of us. I know that is such an old custom – one that seems to be lost these days. It’s odd that the judgement piece seems so entrenched in our culture, but to offer blessings is not… and I think we could all use a little more blessing in our lives.

So… This is for you… and me…

Blessings for those who are grieving…

Blessings to those whose heart is struggling to comprehend what has happened.
… And to those who watched death come slowly – forcing them to grieve twice.

Blessings to those who have already cried enough tears to fill every ocean on the planet.
… And to those who can’t cry at all.

Blessings to those who are grieving their own way.
… And to those who have lost other relationships because they can’t grieve the way someone else believes they should.

Blessings to those who are struggling with feelings of loneliness or abandonment.
… And to those who don’t know how they will face the rest of their days alone.

Blessings to those who are wrestling with depression or thoughts of suicide.
… And to those who don’t even want to face tomorrow.

Blessings to those who keep going through the motions.
… And to those who don’t know why they even bother most days.

Blessings to those whose only accomplishment today was getting out of bed.
… And to those who couldn’t even do that.

Blessings to those who smile and say “thank you” when offered shallow platitudes
… And to those who can’t, don’t or won’t.

Blessings to those who feel abandoned or unsupported by their faith.
… And to those have lost their faith because, after all, how could a God of love and understanding allow this.

Blessings to those who don’t know how to handle all the things – all of the many roles that are now theirs.
… And to those who are angry because all of this is so unfair.

Blessings to those who think they will never smile or laugh again.
… And to those who feel guilty when they do.

Blessings to those who wake up alone, go to bed alone and spend every moment in between alone.
… And to those who can’t figure out the reason they are still here – alone.

Blessings to those who are enduring the judgement of others while still fighting this pain.
… And to those who wear sunglasses in public so no one can see that they are crying.

Blessings to those who can’t celebrate the holidays.
… To those who try to celebrate by setting a place at the table for their lost loved one.

Blessings to those who are taking things one day at a time.
… And to those who pray constantly for this pain to end.

Blessings to those who wait to cry in the shower or in the bed at night so no one else will hear.
… And to those who can’t seem to stop the flow of tears.

Blessings to those who want to give up.
… And to those who are determined to keep moving forward.

Blessings to all of us… We are hurting.
It is pain that is shared and, yet it is still as individual as each and every one of us.

Blessings to us all as we find our way along this journey… one step at a time.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.