Month: September 2016

Peace, Love and Grief… Looking for happiness

“Now the work is left to us, his family, to carry forth the beauty and joy of that life which has been taken from us. Where we weep, Bruce would have us laugh. Where we mourn, Bruce would have us rejoice. But we know that he will forgive us our grief, for to grieve is to love, to love is to cherish, and to cherish is to give praise and thanksgiving for the life which has blessed us all.”

“Let us depart in peace and look to the morning, assured that today and everyday the sun will rise again. May the truth that makes us free, the hope that never dies and the love that casts out fear lead us forward together until the dayspring breaks, and the shadows flee away.”

“To the Holy Spirit who guides our paths and is able to keep us from falling, to the Son who makes us stand without blemish in the presence of God’s glory, to our heavenly Father who sustains us and whose wisdom is beyond our understanding: Deal graciously with us in our grief. Surround us with your love, that we may not be overwhelmed by our loss, but have confidence in your goodness and strength to meet the days to come; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

This was the final reading and prayer at Bruce’s ash scattering ceremony. I had no idea at the time just how prophetic those words would be… “Now the work is left to us, his family, to carry forth the beauty and joy of that life which has been taken from us.” It has been work… hard work while I have spent the last 3+ years looking for that joy… that happiness which left my life the night Bruce died.

I know the saying that happiness can never be found outside ourselves; instead, we must find it within ourselves… and I agree for the most part. However, what happens when two souls are one – completely connected and bonded. While their happiness is strengthened in specific moments in time, their actually happiness is within the two of them together… Their happiness is something they share together; it belongs to both of them as one.

So what happens when one of them is gone? Where is the happiness then? This is where that saying gets turned on its head.

You see, it wasn’t that our happiness was outside either of us… it was deep in the core of both of us… together.

For the longest time after Bruce died, what should have been happy moments became instant reminders that I was now here alone. I remember thinking I would never even smile again… but I have. In fact, I have even laughed. Increasingly over time, I have moments when I am in awe of this life and the beauty and love surrounding me. But, each of these moments is still filled with a twinge of sadness as I find myself longing to share it with Bruce. I always find myself thinking things like – “Bruce would love this,” or “Bruce would not think that was funny… (which makes it even funnier).” So often, I find myself smiling while tears spill down my cheeks.

Once again, I find the next sentence of that prayer so true to the life I live. “Where we weep, Bruce would have us laugh. Where we mourn, Bruce would have us rejoice. But we know that he will forgive us our grief, for to grieve is to love, to love is to cherish, and to cherish is to give praise and thanksgiving for the life which has blessed us all.”

Each day as I sit at my desk, whether here at home or in my office, I am surrounded by pictures of Bruce and I… happy, precious moments forever frozen in time. It is impossible not to wish for those moments… that life again. But as I said a few weeks ago, I know that is not to be.

Life keeps moving on… whether I am grieving or happy makes no difference.
I am learning (in baby steps) how to keep putting one foot in front of the other… How to keep breathing through the tough moments… I find myself constantly praying the last sentence of that prayer, “To the Holy Spirit… to the Son… to our heavenly Father…: Deal graciously with us in our grief. Surround us with your love, that we may not be overwhelmed by our loss, but have confidence in your goodness and strength to meet the days to come; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

As time has passed, I have learned to have confidence in God, again. I have learned to face each day with the strength I find in my relationship with God. While it is not the same, I am learning to find happiness in the little things. Who knows, perhaps in time, I will also learn to find my happiness within myself.

Until then, I will remember the happiness we shared. I will give thanks daily knowing Bruce and I were two souls meant to be together, and that is something very precious… In fact, I will remember it as a blessing and a gift from God. I also believe that one day, we will be together again… united as one… and relishing the happiness we knew as “ours.”

What about you? Do you or have you struggled with finding happiness after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Don’t cry…

Don’t cry… Most of us have heard this all our lives. As a child when a favorite toy was lost… “Don’t cry.” When a pet was lost or your best friend moved… “Don’t cry.” As a teen, when your first love broke your heart… “Don’t cry.” And even as an adult when life throws you a curve ball… “Don’t cry.”

Don’t get me wrong… For the most part, I don’t remember hearing this in a reprimanding tone. It was always said gently and with love. It is a “normal” response, I suppose, when someone is crying. But, honestly, did it ever stop your tears? … Because it never stopped mine.

In fact, this week while watching TV, I heard a mother consoling her adult daughter with those exact words… and it made me think… Why? Why not cry? Why is it so wrong to cry as a response to hurt and loss? Why do we do that to each other?

I remember when Bruce died, people were patient with my tears for a little while… a very little while. After just a few short weeks, I started hearing the words “don’t cry” a lot. Most of the time it was said gently, and I knew it was meant to console. However, there were others who, I believe, were simply uncomfortable with the tears… or truly felt that it was downright wrong to cry. I heard it stated so many ways, such as:

“Don’t cry. You’re not the only one to ever lose someone.”
“Don’t cry. If you have faith, you should believe he’s in a better place.”
“Don’t cry. You can choose to feel better or have a better attitude.”
“Don’t cry in the office or in public. It looks weak.”
“Don’t cry. Be strong.”
“Don’t cry. What will others think?”

Good grief! What will others think? Wouldn’t they think I am sad because my husband died? Is that so bad?

If you listen closely to each of these reasons not to cry, shame is at the core. Which makes me wonder why shame become the tool used to dispel grief? What a crazy place this is when we believe there a time limit to tears of grief, and anything beyond that “limit” is wrong. Research has shown us that it is unhealthy to avoid or deny our grief. Yet, society still charges down the “be tough or be shamed” path.

I understand that my tears and grief may make some people uncomfortable, but maybe that is not my responsibility. Maybe that discomfort is created because in our culture most of us have never learned how to deal with grief. Instead. it is treated like a taboo topic… something that is definitely expected up to a point as ling as we don’t get carried away. If one grieves “too long,” shame will begin to seep into the picture.

Honestly, I have been frustrated for a long time with the reality of pushing my feelings down deep in order to make others more comfortable. However, it wasn’t until these last few weeks that I finally realized this shame aspect and how efficiently it works.

My first realization happened with my grandson. We were having a simple conversation about his day when suddenly he burst into tears about a recent loss that cuts deep into his core. We were in the car, and there wasn’t a lot I could do in the moment. As I reached out to hand him a tissue, I ALMOST said it… “Don’t cry, Baby. It will be okay.” But as the thoughts were forming in my mind, I stopped.

No… That was not what I wanted to say, nor what I wanted him to take away from our encounter. Instead, I told him, “It’s okay to cry, Baby. I know it hurts. You go ahead and cry… I’m here with you.” He’s only 7 so the tears didn’t last very long. Hopefully, however, he will remember that his feelings are valid, and it is okay to grieve his loss. As for me, all I could think was how I wished more people had allowed me that small bit of space… space to cry and grieve for a few moments when the pain of my loss crossed my heart.

My second (and more eye opening) realization came a day or two later. I was having one of “THOSE” days… One of those days when I missed Bruce beyond words. One of those days when the pain and grief felt all new and fresh, as if it had happened just yesterday. A day when I would have given my soul for just one more hug… one more smile. .. one more moment.

Yet as sad as I felt, I got up, got dressed and forced a smile to my face as I walked into my office. Only those closest to me could tell something was “off,” and only one or two actually knew what it was. As the day progressed and my mood started cycling lower and lower, I found myself shoving my emotions further and further down and trying to smile that much more. “Don’t let them see your pain today,” I thought. “Don’t cry.”

And I didn’t… Instead, I waited until I was alone in my car heading home… I waited until I felt “safe.” However, when I finally gave myself “permission” to cry, I found I couldn’t… not really. I was sad and I needed to work through all that stuff I had been shoving down all day, but somehow I still couldn’t allow myself to let go. Instead, I was talking myself out of it.

What if someone called and could hear it in my voice? What if someone saw me?
Then it hit me….Oh my gosh! I had let the shame behind all those “don’t cry’s” become so accepted and ingrained, I was doing it to myself! That was nuts! Good heavens! What shame is there in grieving? I know better! I know all those “don’t cry’s” are wrong. Instead, of “don’t cry,” we need to say…

“Go ahead and cry. This hurts… You’re the only one to ever lose this person in this time.”
“Go ahead and cry. Faith has nothing to do with it. God will hold you and comfort you. He understands your pain.”
“Go ahead and cry. You can choose your attitude, and today it is perfectly okay to choose feeling sad. You can choose to feel better or have a better attitude another day or another time.”
“Go ahead and cry in the office. It is not weak… It is honest and vulnerable… That takes real courage.”
“Go ahead and cry. That takes real strength.”
“Go ahead and cry. Who cares what others may think?”

This lesson has taken me a while, but I have finally realized that it takes more strength and courage to be honest about my grief than to hide it. There may even be a lot of people who will disagree… But I would bet most of them have never walked one step (much less a mile) in my moccasins (as the saying goes).

So… If there is one thing I have learned from all of this “don’t cry” business, it is this…

It is okay and normal to express grief with tears. It takes courage and strength to lay it out there for the world with no apologies. So… if you ever find yourself consoling someone or being consoled, drop the “don’t.” Instead,…

Go ahead and cry…

What about you? Did anyone ever tell you “don’t cry?” Are you still struggling with the shame of grieving past society’s “approved time limit?” Do you need support in that area? Or would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… You Can’t Go Back

Come home…
Come home and hold me.
I am lost without you, my other half.
I search for you…
In the darkness,
In each room,
In each dream,
In each corner of my soul.
Please…
Come home.
~ Linda, November 2013

I wrote this poem 11 months after Bruce passed away. At the time, it was all I could think about. I wanted Bruce back. I wanted our life back. Day and night I prayed to wake up from the nightmare that had become my reality… But I never “woke up”… and Bruce never came back home. This was my life, and this was going to always be my life.

One would think that with time, those feelings would pass. I would eventually reconcile myself to “what is”… But I haven’t. Even now, several years later, I want him back… Each journal begins “Dear Bruce…” as if it is a long letter about my day to day happenings. Each day, I write to tell him how much I miss him and still love him… And I still ask him to “come home.” Each entry written as if one day he will read it… but I am well aware – he won’t.

This week as I scrolled through Face Book looking at what my friends and family around the world have been up to, I found myself looking at quite a few anniversary posts. I hate to admit it, but those are a struggle for me. It is a struggle because while I am truly happy for them, I find I am very sad for me… And a little jealous… (Embarrassing but true.)

These things just seem to stir up a miriad of questions for me. Things I don’t undertand and probably never will. Why did Bruce have to die? Why couldn’t we have grown old together? Why couldn’t we celebrate more anniversaries together? Why us?

So while it may sound crazy, here I am 3.5 years later still wishing I could wake up… still wishing this had never happened … still wishing I could go back in time… but knowing this is my reality… And a bit embarrassed to admit I still haven’t accepted it.

I know I’m not alone in my thoughts, though. I have talked to so many other widows and most of them will admit to the same thing. Why, then, are we too embarrassed to speak up? While I can’t talk for everyone, I know a big part of my hesitation comes from the culture around me.

I have found that most people want to help, but at the same time, most people don’t understand what I am going through. They mean well… They want to say the “right thing” and their hearts are in the right place… But the tendency throughout this ordeal has been to throw cliches in my direction…

“He’s in a better place.”
“He led a full life.”
“God has a reason.”
“God needed another angel.”
“Be strong. Don’t cry. Keep a stiff upper lip.”
” Praise God. Celebrate that he has gone on to a better place.”
“At least you can date and marry again.”
“This is just what was meant to be. All things must pass”
“Good thing you are strong enough to handle this.”
“The living must go on.”
“Get a hold of yourself. God will never give you more than you can handle.”
“Just give it time. If your faith is real, you will be okay.”
… and the list goes on and on

Here is the thing about cliches… they SUCK! They may sound good but they have absolutely nothing to do with reality.

If you have never experienced a deep loss such as that of a spouse or child, knowing what to say can be a struggle. As a culture, we want to say something that sounds encouraging. Since the cliches we have heard throughout our lives sound like wise advice, they will often come into play.

The interesting thing is I have never heard any of these cliches from other widows or widowers. Why? Because knowing and understanding the pain of grief requires first hand experience… and they have that. In fact, now I have that too… although I still wish I didn’t. With first hand experience, comes the knowledge that there are no “right words.” Just “being there” and showing you care means so much more than words could ever accomplish.

In the past, whenever I dared to mention that I wished I could go back in time or I wished Bruce were still here and those cliches were the answer, I would get angry or frustrated. Now, as time has passed, even though they bring no comfort, I’m learning to be okay with it. Now, I’m able to understand that their hearts are in the right place. So even if the words are terrible, I can be thankful for a heart that wants to help.

Nowadays, I want people to understand I will be okay… but “being okay” includes grieving the loss of “what was.” That pain will always be with me in some form or another. However, when the cliches come my way now, my response sounds more like a quote from The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James & Russell Friedman – “Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain.” Please, don’t feel like you need to fix me… just be with me a while.

As for me, while I wish otherwise, I really do know I can’t go back in time… I know Bruce is gone… I also know my life is moving forward… one small step at a time. I think Rob Bell sums it all up when he says…

“You don’t go back when it comes to suffering… You go through.”

And that is my plan each day… to be thankful for what was, acknowledge what is and accept my feelings as they present themselves… as I move through my grief and take the next step on my path…

I love the quiet before the world wakes up.
The stillness in the air
As if the entire world were holding its breath in anticipation
Of what this new day will bring.
~ Linda, September, 2013

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with accepting your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Be the change

“Be the living expression of God’s kindness;
kindness in your face,
kindness in your eyes,
kindness in your smile.”
~ St. (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta

I remember when this whole journey began. (3 years, 7 months, 23 days ago… but who’s counting?) At first, I was so raw… so numb… so lost. For the first few weeks, I felt like I was in a dream. This couldn’t be real… Surely, I was going to wake up at some point and everything would be as it was. (Except, I would be even MORE appreciative of the gift that was my husband.)

But, that didn’t happen… Life just kept moving forward… without my Bruce.

As the months passed, more and more people fell off the radar for one reason or another. Most things I read told me this was normal… to expect it… And even gave some explanations for why. Some couples would back away, because now I was not “a couple.” (Although, most widows will tell you, we still feel like “a couple.” According to what I read, other people would back away for any number of reasons, such as:

1. They felt I was doing so well, I didn’t need their support any longer.
2. They didn’t know how to offer more support.
3. They were tired or uncomfortable with the whole business.
4. Who knows!

To be fair, most people probably grow tired of the whole affair simply because they don’t understand it, (not because they are cruel). I may have felt stuck but their lives had continued to move on at full speed. At the time, however, I could not understand this. So as more months passed, and I watched more and more people walk out of my life… I began to feel hurt and angry. I had already lost my husband. Was everyone else going to abandon me too?

But there is a huge problem with that line of thinking… The more I focused on the hurt and negative feelings, the more negative things I found to upset me.

It didn’t take long for me to spiral down and become the very thing I never wanted to be – an angry, cynical woman. Life began to look bleak… It no longer held any hope. This attitude only increased my focus on the negative. Before I realized what was happening, my connections with other people almost stopped completely. I found myself only opening up to a very small handful of friends and family (who chose to love me despite my negative outlook).

About this time I found myself at my lowest I had ever been… I had given up on people and life… I had stopped caring… Life had taken on the form of waking up, going through the motions and sleeping. Then, waking up only to do all over again the next day.

At this point, I pulled out one of Bruce’s favorite CDs – Wayne Dyer’s, The Secrets of the Power of Intention. I did not know it at the time, but this would become my first step out of this downward spiral that had taken over my life. There was a lot of great information in this series, but the piece of information I needed to hear most was…

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

WOW! What a simple statement, and yet, how true! I had become completely focused on all I had lost (and was still losing)… on all the hurt and feelings of abandonment. Because of that, I had stopped noticing the good things all around me… the little blessings available in each moment. So this is where things started to change… And as I “changed the way I looked at things,” the way I viewed those things (as well as my life) began to change as well.

The next step was probably inevitable… I began to realize that if more people knew this, maybe our world would not be filled with so many hurt, offended, negative souls. But how could I use this knowledge and make a difference? I knew I can only change myself… How, then, could I make another change within myself, that might make a bigger difference in the world around me?

Then, I read a few writings from Ghandi, there was one which seemed to call out to me as the answer – “Be the change you want to see.”

WOW! (Again!) How is it the simplest statements have the most profound advice? And so it began, another change, another step. Now instead of wishing someone else would think more kindly, behave kinder, or speak with more kindness, I learned to observe, say nothing (the hardest part for me), and alter my own actions to reflect what I wanted to see instead.

These two changes in my thought patterns and behavior began to build on each other. The more I altered how I looked at things, the easier it became to actually be the change I wanted to see. And the more I worked on “being the change,” the easier it became to see others in a more positive light.

Through the past 3 years, 7 months and 23 days, I have found myself working my way out of that downward spiral. Believe me when I say it is still a process for me. However, while I have my moments when I forget to protect my attitude, I am continually doing better and better… When I find myself spiralling down, I am able to catch it sooner and turn it around. I know that when I remember to “be the change I want to see,” my whole viewpoint on life and people becames more positive as well…

When I remember that the divine energy within me can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance I am seeking from the world around me, then I know my life has purpose again because I am able to make a difference.

Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s love
to the world around you
~ Linda, February 2016

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with frustration with the world around you? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.