March 2015 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Is there a springtime in grief?

Your Gift
In each breeze, let me feel your touch.
In each sunrise, let me experience your joy.
In each storm, let me feel your strength.
In the quiet, let me hear your voice telling me –
All is well…
Each moment was planned;
Each smile was for me;
And your acceptance of life was your gift to help me through this storm.
I loved you
and even now… you love me.
~ Linda, September 16, 2013

As the world celebrates spring, I find myself contemplating a memory and asking, “Is there a springtime in grief?” I pray there is… I know Bruce would tell me there is just as he did years ago…

Bruce and I met on a small sailing schooner in the Virgin Islands. After a week, he said he knew he loved me; I wasn’t sure how I felt at the time but my feelings certainly scared me. I could think of a thousand reasons why it would never work… For starters, I was a Catholic school teacher from South Carolina, and he was a truck driver from Michigan. However, within 24 hours of leaving that ship, I knew my future was with him. Ten months later I moved to Michigan and we were married. He had not only captured my heart, he was the other half of my soul.

My move to Michigan happened in November and brought me quite a shock. I did not realize that a place could be so cold… and for so long! I didn’t realize the reality of the term “so cold it will take your breath away.” I had no idea that snow could fall continuously for days and then stay for months. There was a lot I had to learn about living in such a climate. (I laugh now when I think of how unprepared I was for that first winter.) Before Michigan, I could probably count the number of times I had seen snow on my fingers… this place was a whole new experience.

Bruce had promised he would keep me warm, and he did everything in his power to do so. However, try as he might, he couldn’t warm up a Michigan winter. In South Carolina, by the end of March things are starting to warm up (plus, they are NEVER as cold as Michigan). But in Michigan, there is still snow at the end of March. That was unfathomable to me.

I remember one particular Sunday afternoon that first March. I was standing at the window watching yet another snowstorm roll in and the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I was so conditioned to expect spring in March – cool nights, warm days, flowers, birds, green grass, sunshine… This felt so wrong. I found myself wondering if this interminable gray and cold would last forever.

At that moment, Bruce came up behind me, put his arms around my waist, and pulled me back to lean into him. As he held me, he spoke softly into my ear, “You okay?”

I replied, “No… It’s never going to stop snowing.”

“Do you see that those branches on that bush?” he asked. (I nodded.) “Well, keep watching them, because in about 6 more weeks you will see a miracle. You will see green buds appear and you’ll know that springtime really does happen… even in Michigan.”

I would like to say that I smiled and answered, “Oh thank you, Babe. I will believe you and wait patiently.” But I didn’t… Instead I cried out loud and said, “SIX MORE WEEKS?? Are you kidding me? I’ll never make it!” That poor man… he just held me closer and let me cry.

In the years that followed, we laughed many times thinking back on that story. Every spring he would remind me not to give up hope… spring really WOULD come… even in Michigan.

This is my third spring without Bruce. This year I find myself remembering that story again but comparing it to my life now… my “grief journey” as the books call it. Like Michigan, this path often feels gray and cold, and I find myself wondering if I will ever feel the the renewal and joy that life can offer. Will I ever have that carefree, walk-barefoot-in-the-grass, life-is-wonderful feeling again?

Bruce would say, “Yes.” I can almost hear him tell me to be patient. Spring WILL come back to my life… and if I look REAL close maybe I can start to see those buds on the branches of my life turning green. He would tell me to never give up; there is ALWAYS the promise of spring.

It would seem the only answer here is patience… something I struggle with so I won’t pretend that is an “easy” answer. I am only sharing my thoughts. Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Where do I belong?

Lost

Time passes,
But I am lost… more now than ever before.
I am on my own.
They are tired.
They don’t want to hear.
They don’t want to know… not anymore
So now I am completely alone… in the dark;
No idea where to turn,
So I turn inward…
I am not allowed to do anything else.
Listen – don’t talk.
Smile – don’t cry.
Those are the expectations.
There is nothing left for me.
No one cares…
why should I?
Linda, September 2, 2014

This week I am taking a chance. Those who have never been on this path may be offended… Please know that is not my purpose or intention. Those who are on this path will know exactly what I am talking about. My goal is to be honest… I simply want to bring this feeling of loneliness out into the open. Otherwise, we can never hope to understand or change it.

Have you ever felt it?… That feeling that you don’t belong? Do you remember ever going somewhere, only to find once you get there, you don’t know ANYONE?
For some people that is not a big deal… It is a challenge and they thrive on it. For others (like myself), it is a HUGE struggle just to maintain composure… The idea of smiling, nodding and making small talk with people – well, that is a whole other ordeal.

I remember reading in several “grief and mourning” books about relationships and how they would change. The books said to expect it. I dreaded it because I already knew what it is like to lose friends just when you need them the most. When I divorced years ago, I lost many friends. People just disappeared from my life. Some left for religious reasons, others because they didn’t want to get involved or “pick sides.” Most puzzling were those that never said a word… They just quietly slipped out of my life.

I could not imagine the same thing happening with a death. Isn’t that when everyone is supposed to support you? Love you? Be there for you?… Well, there ARE those who do exactly that. (I thank God everyday for those people!) But the books were right… there have been a lot of people who have chosen to walk away or just stand silently in the shadows and watch.

I was corresponding with someone dear who recently lost her husband, and I think she put it best, “Until one is there (grieving), the realization of what that means just doesn’t equate…or maybe it is something wives don’t want to know can happen.” I think she may be right… it is as good a theory as any other.

Whatever the reason, the result for the griever is the same – another loss. I already felt so abandoned. Now I was beginning to feel like I didn’t belong anywhere. I still have many days when I feel like I don’t belong… I wonder why I am still here when I feel so completely alone.

I remember in the first few days and weeks after Bruce passed, people called or sent messages that were heartfelt – filled with love and kindness. I have moved several times through the years so friends from far away responded, telling me not to worry… they were coming; they would be here for me. Since I had lived here only a short time, I looked forward to that… I needed them… but they never came. Life moved on and over time, I came to realize it was another quiet retreat from my life.

As time passed, I held on tightly to my friends and family who chose to “be there”… those who have stuck by my side and loved me in spite of myself. I have even made new friends who understand grief and the heartache involved. These people are my lifeline. Their patience and understanding, their ability to just be with me when I am struggling, their love, support and non-judgement… all of these things are a gift and blessing beyond words.

That feeling of not belonging anywhere, though… that feeling lies within me. So many days deep inside, I still feel so lost and alone. I try to understand that most couples don’t feel comfortable with me… I am no longer part of a couple. Single people aren’t real sure what to do with me… I still act married. With families, I feel like the spinster aunt who doesn’t quite fit in but everyone feels obliged to invite. Keep in mind – this is not what anyone says to me.

It is what I seem to say to myself.

Even now at the two year point, I find that I isolate myself because I hate that feeling of being out of place. I have great friends surrounding me these days. So many times they invite me to go somewhere with their family or significant other. Sometimes I go, but more often I decline because I don’t want to be that 5th wheel or tag-along.

In the beginning, some people did avoid me… But now the tables are turned and I am the one doing the avoiding. Now I feel like an intrusion… like I am in the way. I miss having my own life with Bruce. So I try to hold everything in, but that results in me withdrawing further into myself.

My kids who are grown and gone with families and lives of their own are absolutely wonderful. They have been my greatest support. I couldn’t ask for more – they call and reach out to me daily. But even here, the problem is me. I have a hard time acccepting the fact that they are taking care of me emotionally. I am their mother… That’s not their job and I don’t know how to accept that.

This week I have really struggled with this one. I found myself just sitting… wondering why in the world I am still here without Bruce. What is the point? The more I sat and thought about it, the more I spiraled down… the more lost and alone I felt.

I even found myself dwelling on something someone said to me last week. They told me that I have no value – there is nothing special about me. But as I sat there thinking about it, I realized how wrong they are… as down as I may get, I don’t believe that at all. I know I have value… I know I still have a purpose. Coming to that realization, I began to pull myself out of my funk and back into the world. I reached out and found people who were willing to offer the love and support I needed in that moment.

I know these feelings will come again down the road. So, how do I handle this loneliness… these feelings that I don’t belong?

* Well for starters, I know I need to reach out to the people I trust when I am low… BEFORE I spiral down too far. I know I can be honest with those people. I can tell them how I feel or what I may need in that moment. They don’t judge me… they listen and show me that they care.

* Other days I know that “being there” for someone else helps me take my mind off myself… even if it is only temporary.

* And last but not least, I try to be understanding and remember that until it happened to me, I wasn’t very good at dealing with death and grief either. Each of us are doing the best we can… No one can ask for more than that.

This topic is still a day-to-day struggle for me. I do not pretend to have all the answers. I am merely sharing my experiences as they are. Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… How to “get over it”

So Tired

Sometimes I am so tired of thinking;
I keep my thoughts busy to avoid thinking of you.
But that is exhausting…
Will I ever be able to rest;
To just sit … and not spiral down?
I am so tired… so very tired.
~ Linda, March 13, 2015

Do you remember as a kid thinking that when you grew up, you would get to do things your way? No more doing what everyone else told you to do. You would be free! Then what happened? Exactly – you grew up and learned right away that you were wrong… absolutely and completely wrong. Well, grief is like that, too. Before it happens, you think you know what it will be like and how it should be handled. Then… horribly, you learn how very wrong you were. Grief is NOTHING like the world portrays it to be.

When Bruce passed, people were surprised to find me returning to work after 2 weeks. I don’t know if that is strange or not… it was what I needed to do. After 1.5 weeks, I found myself alone and overwhelmed with emotions. I knew enough about myself to know that being alone was not going to be good for me. It was way too quiet. I was sitting at home, staring at the four walls, and all I could think about was Bruce and everything that was now gone. I felt myself spiraling further and further down each day. I knew I needed to be around people. I needed to go back to work. Why work? I needed to go somewhere each day that had not involved Bruce. I needed something in my life that was familiar and not filled with grief – something “normal”… not the “new normal” that everyone kept calling this life without Bruce.

My office is an hour away from our home plus there is very tight security there, so one gets in who doesn’t belong there. That meant, work was a place that held absolutely NO memories of Bruce… he had never been there. I needed that space… at least for a small part of the day. I needed this space that was not filled with grief. Staying busy seemed like a good idea. However, I soon found that I needed to deal with the emotions and grief – I couldn’t ignore them forever. So, I also joined a grief therapy group. I wanted to “get better”… I wanted to “get over it.” You see, I was still under the common assumption, that there are “stages of grief.” Therefore, I just needed to work my way through them and get on with life.

However, there were a few things wrong with this notion. First, those “stages” are actually the stages of dying… while people grieving DO experience a lot of those same emotions, they don’t necessarily fall in any type of order. And many times, they circle back and repeat themselves… over and over. I would find myself thinking I was past a stage only to find myself right back in the same spot weeks later. As I have said before, grief is maddening. It is chaos; there is no rhyme or reason. I soon came to realize that it cannot be handled by a checklist of stages. Since I am a checklist kind of person THAT was hard to accept. Everything I thought I knew about grief was wrong.

Since my experience with grief was not anything like I thought it should be, I began to think there was something wrong with me. Because some of the people around me had the same or similar ideas about grief, they unwittingly reinforced the idea that I must be doing something wrong… why couldn’t I just “close the door on that chapter of my life and move on?”

Thankfully, I also have other people in my life who knew better. They are the reason I am still here… I could not have come this far without them. They were friends. They were co-workers. They were family members… there were even a few strangers in the mix. But more than anything, they were my life-line. They listened. They gave hugs. They held me when I cried, and they were honest about what this grief journey would be like. I needed that… I still do.

I have learned so much about grief in the last two years. In fact, EVERYTHING I thought I knew was wrong. Since it is the purpose of this blog, I’d like to share a little bit of what I have learned.

First and foremost,
1. No two people will have the same experience.
2. Don’t try to compare your grief journey with anyone else’s. (For questions – see #1.)
3. There is no specific amount of time allowed for grief. (For questions – see #1.)
4. Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do for YOU – not what everyone is telling you to do. (For questions – see #1.)
5. There is no right or wrong way to do this. (For questions – see #1 – 4.)

Despite the intended humor above, I AM trying to make a point. The point is:
No one knows what you need except you. So do THAT… do what you need to do.

I am well aware that there are still people quick to judge and voice an opinion on how I choose to move through this process. For those people, I have to make a choice. I can either:
1. Accept their opinions with a smile (but still ignore it).
2. Make the attempt to help them understand, OR
3. Let them go… This is especially difficult because you are already dealing with loss and who in their right mind would want to deal with more loss? (However, if it reaches unhealthy levels, letting go may be necessary.)

Only you can decide which choice is best… and it will be a different choice with different people.

Once I finally understood all this my question became, “Okay, I am doing all of that… now how much longer? At what point will I get over this? When will this stop?” I hated the answer when I heard it, but deep down I already knew it.

The answer is never… at least not entirely. There is no “getting over it.” That is a terrible myth that creates a lot of unnecessary pain. Try to understand – there is not a switch that can be turned on or off. (Don’t we wish it were that easy?) My understanding from those who are ahead of me on this journey is that as time passes, you learn to live with it… You learn to function around it. It will shape your life in new ways, but ultimately, it will always be a part of who you are.

For a “checklist” person like me, THAT has been a bitter pill to swallow. But experience is teaching me that it is true. I am learning to “dance” with my grief, if you will… to accept what it brings day to day (good or bad) and work through it. I am learning what works well for me and what will pull me down. But the biggest thing I am learning is that I AM moving forward, even if it is baby steps.

This may not be the answer you were looking for when you read the title, but it is the honest answer. There are no empty promises here – only the acceptance of where each person is on this path.

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Be still and know…

My heart struggles to reconcile itself with what my mind knows is real.
~ Linda, October 24, 2013

Last week I said that grief is a maddening experience. It is. It is a time of struggle and emotional chaos as I try to make sense of something that just doesn’t make sense. Everything I thought I knew is gone. I have to relearn how to live. THAT is maddening… THAT is grief.

Each person experiences this differently and has to find their own way… no two are alike. For me, my grief journey ran parallel to my spiritual journey. But since I only have one life… isn’t it all the same? It isn’t like I can travel two paths at once. I learned rather quickly that I am on one path… it is called “life” and it includes many lessons. It is up to me to explore each one and to bring them all together in a way that makes sense for me. This is MY life… this is MY path. This is how I am learning and growing as I work to bring my heart and mind together to create a spirit of peace and love.

From the very beginning, despite my anger and distrust toward God, a certain verse kept running through my mind. This verse has never had any special significance for me in the past, so I have no logical way to explain why it was there… I won’t even try. I simply believe I needed to hear those words in order to survive.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

I wrote them in my journal. I mulled over them in the quiet moments. They were a constant in the back of my mind. And despite my anger, I couldn’t make them go away. There was something there for me – I felt it. I was looking for comfort… something to bring peace to my soul. I came to believe that the secret was somewhere in these words. It was… but probably not in the way most people might think.

It wasn’t about church or religion. It wasn’t about “do’s” and “don’ts.” It was so much deeper than that.

I grew up in the church, directed church choirs, taught Sunday School and even taught in a parochial school for years. God and religion had always a part of my life. However, many years ago, (before Bruce passed away), I chose to walk away from organized religion and seek my own spiritual path to God. It has been a long road. It’s probably no surprise, but Bruce’s death really tried my faith in so many ways that I almost walked away from my faith completely. But his life, his death and the struggles that followed have led me to a faith that I know without a doubt is completely mine. It is not based on what others tell me to think or do. It is not based on rules. It is much more simple. It is merely a philosophy and a way of living my life with God as my source of energy.

I know it may sound crazy. After all, how can spiritual matters be so simple? But I came to this point by watching Bruce and reflecting on how he lived such a genuine life with no pretense… no games.

You would not find Bruce at church on a Sunday morning. Nope… On Sundays, you could find him sitting in his lounge chair with his coffee and his Sudoku watching Meet the Press. But I have never known anyone to live a life more true to the principles of God, acceptance and unconditional love. He was not a complicated man. He had a sweet, gentle spirit and a simple faith. I watched him place a cross in his pocket each morning and heard him pray every night. Then he just lived what he believed – no sermons or lectures, no push for anyone to think his way. He just lived it. To him, it was that simple.

So back to those words that kept going through my head, “Be still and know that I am God.” I kept trying to figure out what I needed to get out of those words. For a long time after Bruce died, I couldn’t even pray… I was too angry. I didn’t want to be still, and I certainly didn’t want to “hear” anything from God. (I wasn’t interested in anything he might have to say.)

One day, though, while reading one of Bruce’s books on philosophy and spiritualism, it hit me. This verse doesn’t say anything about God talking or me listening. It simply says to be still. It was describing meditation – a practice of sitting quietly, breathing deeply and purposely NOT thinking. It is about clearing your mind; not filling it. It is an age old practice of simply being in that specific moment. Then letting your breath carry you to the next moment and then the next.
That was exactly what I needed… to slow down… to be still. As I started a daily practice of meditation, my anxiety lessened and my peace grew. By learning to be still, both physically and mentally, I learned to reconnect to my God. But this time it is different… it is a connection of spirit and peace. It is not about rules or being good enough… those aren’t even concerns. As Wayne Dyer says, it is about the fact that I am “a spiritual being having a physical experience; not a physical being having a spiritual experience.”

Through those quiet, still moments, I have learned to let go of my anger. I am learning to trust God again. I believe that he is my Source, and this life as we see it, is not all there is. There is more… so much more.

Do I believe everyone thinks this way? Of course not.

Do I think they should? That’s not my call… it is up to each person how they choose to think and live.

However, if you are struggling with grief or loss, meditation may be a simple way to regain a part of your life. It has nothing to do with religion… These practices are a physical exercise like running or walking.

So how will it help? Meditation and deep breathing have been proven scientifically to reduce anxiety and stress. People use it everyday, including performers, therapists, etc. In fact, one of the big quotes making the rounds today is “Just breathe.” Why? Because it is true… it works.

When we suffer the loss of anything important or significant in our lives, (even when we know logically it may be for the best), our anxiety goes up. Physically, it means our blood pressure goes up, our adrenaline goes up and the flow of blood to our brain goes down. Our ability to focus and think rationally decreases. Does this happen to everyone? In varying degrees, the answer appears to be yes.

For me, meditation has been invaluable. It has helped me to regain peace, focus and composure, even on those “bad” days when the grief is more than I think I can bear. All I need to do is breathe… meditate… and just let go.

I have learned to be still and know…

Peace…

This is my story but this is our community… the place to share our experiences. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, love and grief… Missing you

Never Again
Linda, September 22, 2013

Sometimes it is hard to believe that
I will never see you here again.
I will never hear you call from the other room.
I will never see you sitting in your chair
And grab your toes as I walk by.. just to touch you.
I will never see you come through the door
And run across the room for a hug.
I will never enjoy a Sunday dinner cooked by you
Or hold your hand as we sit on the beach.
I will never hug or kiss you goodbye,
Or crawl into your arms in our bed at the end of the day.
I will never watch you pour another rum “shower shot”
Or pretend I don’t want another glass of wine as you pour it anyway.
I will never hear you call me “Hon” or “Wifey”
Or feel you behind me as you kiss my neck.
I will never dance with you in the kitchen,
Or sit with you on the porch and watch a storm roll in.
I will never do any of these things with you again.
But I will remember…
I will always remember.

This week has been a week of tears and memories. It’s been what I call a “rough week.” Perhaps it’s because life is a little slower this week, and I have less to occupy my mind. I actually looked at my calendar to see the moon phase… For years, I’ve noticed that a few days before a full moon, I get weepy, but that wasn’t it. I guess it just is what it is…part of this grief journey is realizing that there are good moments/days/ weeks and there are rough moments/days/weeks.

When Bruce first passed, I remember the feeling of being so completely lost. I think a lot of that lost feeling we experience is because of all the roles that other person played in our lives. Bruce wasn’t just my husband… he was so much more. The grief support group I attended initially had me make a list of all the roles he had filled. Mine looked like this:
My best friend Snuggler Companion
Confidant Lover Shoulder to cry on
Source of laughter Source of comfort Dinner partner
Travel buddy Cooking buddy Beach buddy
Tax man Kayaking partner Finance guy
Bill payer Litter box cleaner (gross!) House maintenance man
Mechanic Gardener My whole world

After my list, I wrote, “My greatest loss is my friend – my Bruce. The man with unconditional love. The man who was my whole world. I just don’t want to do this. It is too much to lose… too much to accept.”

That is so true even now. There are days when I think I can’t do this anymore. It has been over 2 years… How do I just move on like it’s all okay, when it’s not okay? It hurts every day and the only way to keep that at bay is to stay busy and take my mind elsewhere.

It’s funny, but when our loved ones are here, we don’t even think about all the things they add to our lives. Then, they are gone and suddenly we have to do it all and there is no one there to talk to about it.

I miss that. I miss telling Bruce about my day. I miss his laughter and the kindness in his eyes. This week, I can almost feel his presence right next to me; I can almost hear his voice. One of my grief books suggested that I close my eyes and visualize him here. I can do that. But eventually I must open my eyes and the space in front of me is empty… and I feel even more alone.

One thing I can say without any hesitation… Our culture does not prepare us to deal with loss or the grief that follows it. Until it is our own journey, we each carry around our own preconcieved idea of what it is like, how we would act, how we should feel, how to “get over it”, and various other nonsense. Yes – nonsense!

I have found that the people who have the most “advice” are those who have never been where I am. Those who have suffered loss like this, tell me what I am about to tell you…

Grief is a maddening experience. You will feel like you have lost your mind… and guess what! That is normal. While the others mean well and their hearts are in the right place, they have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. There… I said it. I put it out there. I love them and I love that they care, but to you I say, “Love them, but don’t listen to them.” Instead, it is our job to share our experience honestly so they might understand. Why? Because one day they will be here too, and they will be just as lost.

When Bruce died, I started a journal somewhere in the second week. At first it was a lot of bullet points about how I felt… things I didn’t DARE say out loud because I was sure they were “wrong.” They weren’t. How you feel isn’t wrong and this was how I felt. Now, with this blog and your comments/messages, I am learning that this is how most of us have felt or still feel on the “hard days” that continue year after year.

Today, in an effort to break down some of the myths of our society, I would like to share some of my early thoughts and feelings with you…
Bruce died on January 12, 2013. These are bits and pieces from my journal the week of January 24, 2013:

* How do I feel? I feel off-balance. I am trying to process so many emotions at a rapid pace. This is not the time I can be brave. I am human… is it okay NOT to be the “good girl” right now?… I can’t.

* I know tears help me release the pain. The tears do help when they come… but most of the time I just feel numb. Is that appropriate? Do people think I don’t care?

* I feel rushed by people to “get over it.” I feel like I need to put on a mask and pretend it’s okay so they will feel better. But I’m not sure if I care what they think.

* Grief sneaks up on you… it feels chaotic and VERY messy. Most people don’t want to hear what I have to say… or what I think or feel. They would rather talk AT me… they like to tell me what to think or feel. I don’t want to listen but I smile and nod like a “good girl.”

* Truthfully, I don’t want to go on without him… I feel completely incompetent to keep going. Should I tell someone? I don’t think I will ever feel “normal” again… sometimes I wonder if I will ever even smile again.

* This thing… this grief comes at me like the waves in the ocean. I keep being told to “experience” each moment as it comes, but I don’t want to… it’s too much. I can’t think straight. People are pushing me… they need to back off – leave me alone… my mind is mush.

* This pain is overwhelming; it is more than I can bear. It is too much – too hard. It is so intense that I have to push it down most of the time, just to survive that moment. I feel completely immobilized. Someone said to take 1 step at a time… just do the next thing and then the next thing… that sounds like something I can do… maybe. My goal? Just make it through today. I can’t think past that.

* People keep telling me that Jesus is here, but I feel completely abandoned. I think I will let someone else be religious for me for a while. I just don’t feel it… I don’t feel God. I don’t believe he is there for me anymore. I’ve always felt that God could handle my anger… I hope he can handle this, too. I know the “Sunday School” answer that God is my “source of peace.” I don’t feel any peace. Church answers feel very empty right now. I want to believe they are true… People say I need to believe they are true, but I think my issue is trust. Right now, I don’t trust God… not anymore. If being at peace means to be okay with “what is”, then I don’t think I will ever have true peace again. I don’t know if I will ever trust God again… How can I trust that he loves me? Who would do this to someone they love? Maybe it is too soon to even comprehend having peace. Maybe I am pushing myself too hard. Right now, I don’t even want to survive, so peace means nothing…

So why in the world did I share my thoughts for that week? What good could possibly come from sharing such darkness – such despair?

Well, for those going through this right now – you’re normal. Don’t panic or be scared to acknowledge what you are feeling. It’s real and it sucks! There is not an easy way around it. Take a breath; take one moment at a time, get through it and then move to the next. Lean on the rest of us and let us be your strength for a while. I am so thankful for those people who were my strength… I am eternally grateful!

Secondly… for those who have never been here… Is it possible that you may have been too quick to judge or give advice? Your heart was in the right place. We know you love and care about us. However, go back, reread and listen to the emotions behind the words – the absolute sense of darkness and loss. For just a moment, put your own ideologies aside and just FEEL what we feel. When someone is at that point of loss and despair, ideologies and “words of wisdom” mean nothing. They are incomprehensible and as empty as the hole in our hearts and our lives. So how can you help? What do we need? Just be there… listen to us, love us in spite of ourselves and hold us up when we can’t do it for ourselves. We need you, but this is one journey we have to figure out for ourselves and it may take us a while.

Finally, for all of us… we need to come to terms with the idea that this is a growth process. It is a change in our soul and lifestyle – not just a weekend retreat. It is a new reality with new challenges… and we didn’t ask for any of it. But somewhere down that road, we can find peace again. At first in small moments of time, then over time it can grow and fill our lives a little bit at a time. It will happen but only if we are patient with ourselves and each other.

This is my story but this is our community… the place where we can share our experiences. Please share yours by going to the comments and leaving a note, comment or question.

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