Month: November 2023

Peace, Love, and Grief – A Journey of Gratitude

Seeking peace… Finding grace… Feeling gratitude…

This is what I talked about last week. With Thanksgiving happening this past week, the journey has continued, yet changed a smidge. This week has held a journey… a quest, if you will, for gratitude… not for all things – that’s ridiculous and what I would call toxic positivity… And not just in all things – although that makes a lot more sense… But if I think of it as “despite all things” – that seems to work better in my mind.

In other words, no matter what is happening around me… no matter if my world is fabulous or upside down… I can find something to be grateful for. It may not have anything to do with what is currently happening in my world. It may not even be anything from the present. It may be a precious memory that I can recall and hang onto to help me get through the current situation. Or maybe it is a person who I am grateful to know or have known. It can be anything.

When Bruce first died, a friend suggested that I start listing 3 – 5 things a day that I was grateful for. At first it was simply things, such as getting out of bed that day or eating all 3 meals. It was a struggle, though. Then, as time passed, I stopped doing it. I don’t know why. It just seemed pointless, I guess. I was listing these things, but then I closed my journal and didn’t think about them anymore. I guess what I am saying is that I didn’t keep applying that principle throughout my day.

About a year ago, though, I bought a “gratitude journal” and started again. I don’t know what made me buy a “gratitude journal”. After all, I could make a list in any journal or notebook. Yet, this journal had little quotes and ideas that stirred my heart. In time, I found my soul awakened to the many things in my life that are precious to me, but I so often take for granted.

To be honest, at first, I still struggled to think of 3 – 5 things to be grateful for each and every day. Then, 2023 happened. I lost people who had been such an important part of my life. I lost family members who had been an integral part of my childhood. I even lost my job. What the heck?!

However, the funny thing is as the year progressed and more and more events piled up, my gratitude list actually got longer each day. How crazy is that?? That list still includes the people who choose to be a part of my world and the simple things that make up my world. For example, my morning teatime is almost always on the list, my home, my church, my friends, my family, my kiddos, even my favorite chair and blanket, plus anything special someone did or said that brightened my world.

Not a single item is major or grandiose. None of them are things that stand out. They are almost all simple, everyday people, things, or events. Things that I have taken for granted in the past. Yet now, they seem to stand out as special simply because they don’t have to be a part of my world. They just are.

I literally feel prosperous – not because I have a lot of money. I don’t. (Remember the part where I lost my job.) Yet, I am grateful that I have learned to manage the money I have, so I haven’t had to go without. The severance I received was generous and allowed me the time to find the right job versus any job. I feel prosperous because of the friends and family who have stayed by my side through thick and thin. They have called to check in or just to see about hanging out. I am prosperous because I knew Bruce. Because he added so many positive things to my life that I am still exploring, to include setting an example of being laid off and still being okay.

When we are in a tough spot, especially one that is unexpected – like grief, it is easy to only see what is missing or what is overwhelming us or causing us pain. It is so easy to take those things and fall into that rabbit hole of depression or self-pity. (And sometimes I still do. I believe that is human nature and not anything to beat myself up about.)

However, as time passes, and I am learning more and more to focus on those people and things that do make me smile… Now, that is becoming second nature as I go through my days. Sure, things still upset me. Sure, I still feel anxious and worried at times. Yet, despite those circumstances, I am learning to also see the people and things that truly make my life a blessing.

Thank you for being one of those people!

“I find demonstrations of abundance daily and see them in the beauty of the world and in generous expressions of kindness and thoughtfulness.” ~ Daily Word, November 24, 2023

________________________________________________________

Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Seeking Peace

Seeking peace… Finding grace… Feeling gratitude…

This describes my past week…

I started this week seeking peace. I was trying to bravely face another week of interviews. However, on Monday morning, I was already exhausted just thinking about the week ahead. I was also a bit frustrated at the fact that here I am, once more, dealing with something new and scary without Bruce by my side. (Yes… I am well aware that he has been gone a long time, and while I should be used to it, I still don’t like it.)

To put my exhaustion in perspective, I have been through about two interviews a day for a couple of weeks now. And while I am extremely grateful for each opportunity, interviews require a lot of energy – both physically and mentally. So, when I say I am exhausted, that is what I am referring to – the prospect of at least 10 more hour-long+ interviews where I need to talk about my strong points. That is also something that is way outside my comfort zone.

Then, there is the added stress afterward of “Was I good enough?” “What could I have done better?” “Did I manage to stay faithful to who I am while also presenting a clear picture of what I am able to do?” “Will there be a follow-up from their end?” I’ve had several tell me that I am what they are looking for, so there is some grace… enough to keep me believing the right job is out there somewhere. Yet, the doubts and questions seem to go on and on.

On Monday, though, I experienced something amazing! You see, years and years ago, after my first marriage, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Wow… sharing that with a public audience feels very vulnerable. However, I am telling you for a reason.

You see, recently, a new(ish) treatment for PTSD was recommended for me, called EMDR. It’s weird. I don’t know what else to say about that part. Basically, though, it is a way for an individual to re-process past traumatic events, so that the memory is still there, but the emotional response changes to something less emotional or anxiety filled.

Of course, I did a lot of research, and, admittedly, still had my doubts. Yet, the idea of the grace this therapy might inject into my life and my soul was beyond tempting and sounded amazing.

For the first few sessions, we talked about certain traumatic events that I want to re-process – ones that seem to pop up in my nightmares and/or affect my own self-esteem. The first one I chose to tackle was Bruce’s death. Since this time of year seems to hold my biggest challenges and triggers related to his death, I felt like I needed to start there.

I have written about that night many times… About waking up to him dying, calling 911, doing CPR, watching EMS work on him, watching the line on the heart monitor stay flat, realizing what that meant, and realizing that I had failed him by not saving him in that moment. I know the Medical Examiner explained the science behind his death. Logically, he explained that I couldn’t have saved him. Logically, I know. Yet, in my heart, I have never been able to truly absorb that into my heart and let go of the “my fault” bit.

SO… that is where I wanted to start.

That first re-processing session occurred first thing Monday morning. It was so weird… and yet, I found my grace! Don’t misunderstand. I am still sad when I think about Bruce dying. However, the horror of those moments, as well as the guilt and regret I have felt for years, is gone. No kidding! Gone!

Even better, in it’s place are thoughts that affirm:
1. It is not my fault.
2. This is not my burden to carry. In fact, it is time to lay it down now and walk away. It is okay to be sad, of course, but no more reliving that night or second guessing everything I did.
3. I did not fail him.
4. He did not abandon me.
5. I was brave. I tried. He tried. However, death is a part of life. It sucks. It hurts… but, this isn’t the end of my story.

I know all of that sounds logical. Why couldn’t I get to this space sooner and without any help? I don’t know what to tell you, except that in less than 30 minutes, I am free from all of the darkness that has been a huge part of that memory since it occurred.

A few hours later, I had another interview. (Of course, right?) I was told that interviewing on the same day was a bad idea, but honestly, I felt great! In fact, the interview went great… and my whole week started turning around… or maybe I was just in a better space to notice it, (like I talked about last week).

You see, there have actually been three companies where I am into 3rd and 4th round interviews… praying for that job offer. All three were businesses I would love to work for. I like the values of each company, the position I was applying for, and the manager I would report to. Admittedly, I had my favorite hopeful, but I also knew I would love an offer from any one of them.

Then it happened. I received a job offer from my favorite one. Not only did I get any offer, it came with the most wonderful praise and compliments – something I have no problem giving to others, but struggle to accept when they come in my direction. Yet… this time was a little bit different. This time, I listened and allowed those words to flow into my soul. That was a new experience for me… and I hung up feeling nothing but gratitude.

Gratitude for a path that can seem hard at times, yet can be filled with peace when peace is what I choose to focus on finding… A path that has opened up a world of grace for mistakes made or responsibility taken that was never really mine at all… A path that supports my growth, so that I can be grateful for all that life has given me and for a future that now holds so much hope.

________________________________________________________

Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Learning to Accept What Is

Note: My apologies for not posting last week. I was spending some very needed time with family. <3

This past week marked what would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. It’s hard to believe that wonderful day when we joined our lives was that long ago. It feels like only yesterday. I know it’s been more than 10 years since Bruce’s death, and yet… our time together still seems so closely connected to my life… even now.

This is the time of year that always holds its challenges for me. There is one memorable event after another – our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, New Years, and the anniversary of his death. Whew! It is a lot of emotions in a short span of time!

This year, there has even been a little more craziness to add to the pile. The company where I have worked for 17 years made the necessary decision to lay off 2400 people at the end of September. While my kids who also work there were safe, my job (and most of my department) was considered expendable at this time. So… here I am looking for a job, while balancing all these other events in the background. (Sigh…)

In the past, I know I would have been an emotional basket case. In fact, this blog likely would have been filled with all kinds of sadness and self-pity… Not this year, though… At least, not this week.

As I have said before, I have spent this year working on me… learning to simply “be”… learning to focus on “what is” versus “what was”. I have found a church which has encouraged my own spiritual growth, made friends who have similar goals and focus, and learned to let go (with love) of those things that I cannot control or do not serve me in a positive way. Therefore, when this quote popped up in my readings last week, it truly spoke to my heart.

“We may not always get what we want, but through gratitude and giving, we have the opportunity to want what we already have and to realize just how much we have to give.”
~ Teresa Burton, The Daily Word Nov – Dec 2023 edition, Dear Reader

I know this is the month of gratitude, so I wasn’t surprised to read this. What did surprise me was my response to it. In the past, I would have thought, “Yeah, sure, but… how can I be thankful during this time when I am constantly reminded of all that I have lost?” Instead, my heart has embraced this idea.

Why? I think a lot of it has to do with the wording. Rather than telling the reader what to feel or not feel, this quote starts with empathy for what is not – “We may not always get what we want…” The word “may” instead of a harsher “don’t” makes the difference for me. If the phrase were “we don’t always get what we want”, I would have stopped reading, because that sounds like the beginnings of a lecture. It would have lacked the empathy that I still need to hear.

Then, this quote gives some ideas for direction – “… through gratitude and giving, …” In other words, it isn’t just about gratitude for what I do have, it also involves looking outside of myself to see where I might help someone else with their struggles. That is definitely something I have taken to heart this year… By looking outside of myself, my focus changes. Instead, I find myself looking at others. I’m not trying to “rescue” anyone, but I can offer kindness and understanding, or maybe there is a physical need where I can help. Next thing I know, my own struggles don’t seem so all-encompassing.

Finally, the quote ends with hope – “… we have the opportunity to want what we already have and to realize just how much we have to give.” Hope for opportunities to come and realization of what we have… This is something that is hard to hold onto when we are grieving. Trust me… I know. For years, I have struggled to find any kind of hope in a life without Bruce. However, when I focus on the opportunities and possibilities ahead, life looks completely different.

So… This year, as I move through each of these days and weeks ahead with such deep emotional reminders (and possible triggers), I pray that I really can remember Bruce and all that we had, while also remembering to express my gratitude for all that is – my friends, my family, my health, the job that is waiting for me, and my faith that tells me there are so many more wonderful possibilities out there simply waiting for me to discover them.

________________________________________________________

Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.