January 2015 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Something unexpected

Happiness is not a destination;
It is a way we can choose to travel on this journey called life.
~ Linda, September 29, 2013

Originally I had a completely different idea for this week’s blog. However, as you know, life takes its own path and has presented something new this week. Since this blog is about sharing my journey, openly and honestly, this is something I feel compelled to share.

Last week I talked about the different emotions we all encounter on this journey. Up until now, those emotions have come in waves… sometimes as tsunamis. Some days I am drowning and other days I manage to stay afloat. This week, however, was completely different… a complete surprise.

I started keeping a journal when Bruce passed away, I think my entry this morning, may be the best way to share this week’s experience with you…

Hi Babe,

A few tears last night and this morning… I miss you. I wish you were still here. I rearranged the pillows on the bed last night so I could try to sleep in our “snuggle” position. It helped a little… but your breathing was missing, your body heat was missing and the way you would pull me close and gently stroke my arm and back were missing. Actually, it was all missing…

I’m glad I went to the grocery store last night so I don’t have to go anywhere today. Three weeks of steady, non-stop go go go… I need a day to get out of my head and into my soul to reconnect with me. There is so much going on right now. I need today so I can slow down and regroup. I have been traveling so much and today I need to be in our space. I need some space and time to cry and write and think about us. I miss you… I miss us. This is one of those days when I just want my life back.

(Up to now, this probably sounds familiar doesn’t it? Ever have those days? Keep reading; this is the good part!)

I’ve actually had a whole week of good days! Seven days in a row – THAT is a first!! : ) I think that is progress. I still missed you everyday; I still thought about you constantly, but I wasn’t crying – there was a peace and even happiness with myself. It’s hard to explain… it wasn’t a “happy-go-lucky, love-that-all-this-happened” kind of happiness. It was more of a “I-like-the-direction-I-am-taking-with-my-life” kind of happiness. I can’t change what has happened, but I can create something good out of something bad and THAT is a miracle.

Does that even make sense? So many times there is a guilt associated with being happy – as if I am never allowed happiness again in this lifetime… but that isn’t me. Before you died, I was a very happy person… Shoot, I am a happy person – it’s just part of who I love to be. However, whenever someone has said, “You’re doing so well.” I have felt guilty. I want to say, “No, wait!” I have felt the need to explain that was really not accurate… I still cry… a lot… just not in front of everyone. I’m not really “doing so well.” I’m just better at keeping it to myself.

No more guilt. I am thankful for the days when I feel good. I don’t need to worry if that is “okay” with someone else or what they think of it. It doesn’t matter if they understand that “happy” has a slightly different meaning now. It is good for me, and I know you want me to be happy… Heck, you did everything in your power to make me happy every moment we were blessed to spend together.

I do still miss you and I do still cry. (Today is one of those days.) But it’s okay to feel happy again. It takes nothing away from us, who we were or how much I still love you… It’s a good thing.

I love you, Babe! Always and forever! xxxooo

This was a first for me… to be blessed with so many good, genuinely happy days in a row. I never thought this would happen for me, and I bet there are a lot of people out who have either been here or are still waiting. Either way, if this is to be a community where we share our experiences in order to help each other, then don’t hesitate to share yours. Please, go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

Also, while this blog is weekly, I have added a Facebook page of the same name for daily motivations. Just something quick and fast to lift our souls.
www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… A storm of emotions…

THE STORM
~ Linda, October 1, 2013

The storm rolls in;
At first I do not notice.
I can still see the sun;
The part of the sky I am focused on
is beautiful… blue…
I smile.

Then, I see them;
The clouds rolling in,
Getting darker and darker
As they crowd out the sun
and cover my beautiful sky.

I can barely see the light from the sun
As it struggles to find its way around the clouds.
The blue sky is gone;
The sun is gone;
Heavy drops begin to fall from the sky…
Down my cheeks.

I try but I cannot stop them…
Not for now.
But I know one day soon,
The blue sky will greet me again.
And the warmth of the sun will bring back my smile.

If you are grieving, then you are already aware of the multitude of emotions that can hit you in a short span of time. Some days I feel like I must be losing my mind as I go from feeling happy to sad to angry and then, to round it all out, (if I am blessed) I may get a still, calm peace. Many times there is no rhyme or reason, it just hits like an unexpected summer storm. I am learning (after 2 years) that this is normal. Seriously!… Evidently, this is one those things that is supposed to be our “new normal.”

So as abnormal as all this sounds, I have come to expect it… roll with it, if you will. Sometimes it comes on like a typhoon and takes me completely by surprise. But I have learned that it will subside, as well – sometimes as quickly as it came on, while other times it may take a few days to leave like a harbor fog that refuses to burn off. (sigh)

For me, this last week was a storm of emotions. Monday was the 2nd anniversary of my husband, Bruce’s death. In the days leading up to it, I was a complete mess. While I know that dreading the day is usually a lot worse than the actual day itself, that tidbit of knowledge did not help me cope. Two of my daughters were here with me for support, and they were absolutely wonderful. However, I had not seen one of them in a year and the other in two years, so I felt guilty. “Why was I wasting precious time with my tears?!” My kids are great though… they reassured me that this was why they were here. Then, they held me while I cried, listened to countless stories about this man I (still) love and participated in all my “rituals” for this day of remembrance.

Once Monday was over, I had to say goodbye to one daughter, then travel 12 hours to visit another for her birthday. It was such a joy to spend time with my other daughter, son-by-love (her husband) and grandson. We had such a wonderful time celebrating, eating, laughing and just having fun. But as you may have already experienced, even happy times can be overrun with guilt (for having fun), sadness and just-plain, old-fashioned “I-want-my-husband-back” self-pity. Add on top of that another round of goodbyes to everyone as I headed home AND…

you have a mix of emotions that could bring Hercules to his knees gasping for breath.

So then the question is – how to cope? For everyone it is different. In fact for me, it might be different each time. My first two steps, however, are pretty consistent. It is my last step that varies. For this week, this is what worked for me:

I remind myself that it is okay to let myself feel what I feel and to cry when I need to… no guilt.
I don’t need to apologize for feeling what I feel, whatever it is. My feelings are mine, and they are valid.
And when I have let myself feel sad (or whatever it is) for a time, I remind myself that there is still something positive for me here in this moment… And for me (this week), that is the people I love and who love me unconditionally.

This isn’t my answer every time, and I know this isn’t the answer for everyone. I want this to be a community where we share what works. So, please, go to the comments and leave a note of how you cope. What works for you?

Who knows?… You may hold the answer for someone else.

Peace, Love and Grief… What is this all about?

There is a peace the comes from understanding,
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Me, September 14, 2013

Welcome to Peace, Love & Grief. What is this all about? Two years ago I found myself on a journey that I did NOT want or ask for. Where was I going? I did not know. All I knew was it felt like a nightmare with no end, and I felt completely alone. “What kind of journey,” you ask? It was and still is my journey through grief.

Yes, there were people around me who care and love me but from where I stood, no one seemed to be able to understand. I felt lost and abandoned and so utterly alone. It has been a slow journey and since I am not of the opinion that this journey will end in this life, I know I still have a long way to go. I have made a lot of mistakes. However, I have had a lot of help and have learned a lot in these two years. That said, my wish is not to tell anyone what to do or not do, how to feel or not feel or any of those things that usually frustrate me when someone says them to me. : )

My wish is to share my journey as it was and is – to be open and honest. If by doing so, I can help even one person as they travel along their own journey, then it is good and I am at peace…