Month: October 2025

Peace, Love, and Grief – Where I Fit

The truth is,
When we grieve,
We’re not waiting to feel love again;
Love is waiting on us
To embrace it fully.”
~ Rev. Ogun Holder, Grief as a Spiritual Practice

I think one of the hardest things about grief is figuring out where I fit in… and trusting that space…

Life is filled with relationships that come and go. Sometimes relationships just fizzle out. Other times it seems to be a mutual decision to move in different directions. And then there are those times when the relationship takes a turn we aren’t expecting and suddenly, we find the relationship is over and we are at a loss as to why.

The first two aren’t really emotionally devastating. Therefore, moving on and being willing to trust again in another relationship is easy. The last one, though, can create a reluctance to move forward into other relationships… a distrust in others seems to always be there – just below the surface. (At least, it is that way for me.)

When Bruce died, it was like the last scenario… Suddenly the relationship was over. I couldn’t comprehend why or how… He was too young. He seemed so healthy. None of it made sense. I felt (often still feel) completely broken by his loss. My whole life is now defined by what happened before he died and what has happened after.

Learning to trust life again has become a daily quest…

When Bruce first died, just like when I got divorced, many friends weren’t quite sure what to do with me. When I got divorced, though, it was more a matter of “his friends” and “my friends”. I know it sounds childish, but I think most divorced people have experienced this in some way.

Losing a spouse, however, is different. Friends aren’t divided up like property. Instead, there seem to be other factors that came into play. One such example is the fact that I am no longer part of a couple… While I still feel married, they see me as single, and that has the potential to feel threatening to other relationships. For them, I suppose, the solution was to either find someone else for me or to let me go as a friend. While most of them still keep in touch, I am no longer an intimate part of their world… and that hurt.

The troubling part is, though, I’m not looking for anyone else. I still love Bruce. Therefore, I don’t really fit into the single crowd either. So, finding a space where I truly fit in can be a challenge.

I came to realize this week that most of my current friendships are with people who never knew Bruce… Who never knew me as anything other than a widow. These friends seem to accept me for who and where I am. Most of these friends accept that I still talk about and miss Bruce. Although, every now and then, I am still asked (in some form), “Don’t you think it’s time to let him go?” The unspoken part seems to be, “It’s been years. You seem fine. Aren’t you over it yet?”

I can’t… not yet… maybe not ever… It’s that simple…

For so long, I expected to find some kind of healing on this journey. I wanted the pain to go away. However, over time, I have come to realize that this thing that happened… Bruce’s death… is something that I will always carry with me in some way.

I don’t think it requires fixing. I don’t think I require fixing. At this point, I believe this journey is more about learning to accept “what is” instead of fighting it. It is about understanding that the emotions and situations that rise out of my grief and this loss each hold something to help me grow… something to help me understand myself better… something to help me embrace life fully as I discover who I am meant to be and where I fit in now.

“Healing implies a restoration to wholeness… We are never not whole… We are never truly broken, even though we might feel we are.”
~ Rev. Ogun Holder, Grief as a Spiritual Practice

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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Sacred

Often the instruments of change
Are not kind or just
And the hardest openness
Of all might be
To embrace the change
While not wasting your heart
Fighting the instrument.
~ Mark Nepo, Fighting the Instrument

I was raised with the idea that God is sacred. The Christian Bible is sacred. Life in the womb was even (on some occasions) labeled “sacred”, although that was more in the late ’70s to early ’80s – not in my younger years. What I learned went something like this…

God? Sacred (period)

People? Sinners… unworthy… Not sacred.

Animals? Not capable of conscious thought and less than human… Not sacred.

Plants, Rocks, nature in general – No thought, no soul, created solely for animal benefit, and therefore, less than humans or animals… Not sacred.

This never sat quite right with me… Early on, I began to believe that all things are sacred… Not trying to be religious or controversial… So, please don’t tune me out… Stay with me for a bit more, please.

First, I know that not all of us in this space share the same faith or ideas of God, the Universe, or whatever Divinity or Non-divinity ideations that exist. That is fine. This idea, today, though hinges on two thoughts for me… Maybe one (or both) will be something you can relate to, as well.

First thought… If the Divine/Universe/(Insert your own view here) created all things, then all things are Divine – no mistakes. All things are as they are meant to be, and no one thing is more sacred than another… Instead, all things are sacred. All things are to be cared for and treated with awe and respect.

We can look at the world around us and choose to see the blessings and abundance that surround us – day in and day out… The beauty in a flower opening in spring and the exhilaration of walking through a path of crunchy fall leaves… The endearing scent of a newborn baby and the stories and memories of a beloved senior… The unfiltered exuberance of a puppy and the majesty of a soaring eagle… All of these things inspire awe in me. All of these things deserve sacred respect from me.

But, there is something more. This is the second part… It isn’t just the things that we can experience through our five senses that are sacred…

Anyone who has experienced the loss of someone they loved dearly has also learned that there are other precious things also surrounding us which cannot be touched, seen, heard, tasted, or smelled. Through our loss and grief, we learned fairly quickly just how precious life and time truly are. Neither can be replicated or recreated… Once they are gone, they are gone… for good.

We can’t get time back, and we can’t get our loved ones back. Yet, moving forward in life can often feel impossible. There are days when all I can think about is how I wish Bruce were still here… But he isn’t… And while it is important for our healing for us to stand in that pain and work through it, staying there for too long stops us from experiencing and appreciating the sacredness of our own lives… right here… right now.

It isn’t easy. I know that… I have no intention of trying to sound like it is. I am writing this as much as a reminder for myself as for anyone else on this path. I know exactly how precious life is. I also know that the time I have with my other loved ones is precious, as well. Still, I’ll admit it – I’m not full-on loving this life every single moment. (Who is?)

What I am saying is that I want to remember just how precious and sacred are this life and this time that I have been gifted here… Then, I want to stand in my circumstances (whatever they are) and still live my life in such a way that others will know it, too.

“Longing for the past and its seeming perfection
destroys our ability to create the potential sacredness of today.”
~ Jamie Sams, Earth Medicine

NOTE: If you were looking for me last weekend, I was traveling with one of Bruce’s sisters – spending precious time with a precious sister. I thank you for your understanding. 😊
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Is There a Spiritual Side to Grief?

I read something the other day that really got me to thinking… and maybe even sent my mind into a tailspin… The question it created was around my own faith and spiritual practices. Maybe you have noticed, maybe you haven’t, but I try not to go too deep into my religious practices here, in order to leave a wide berth for all beliefs in this space… (Hopefully), a space of understanding and compassion – not one where we debate religious theologies.

So, while I am talking about some spiritual thoughts today, my hope is that my words can be held under the light of whatever spiritual/faith practices you observe and still hold some kind of meaning for you.
As I was doing my morning meditation and quiet time this week, I read an article that brought up the question, “Am I just trying to get through my grief or am I learning to walk alongside my grief?” WHOA… That one made me stop to breathe and really think…

In the beginning, I just wanted the pain to stop… I wanted a list of things to do that would make me feel better… that would make land me “on the other side” of grief and back where I could live my life again. However, after a while, I learned that there is no such list… and there really isn’t an “other side” of grief where life goes “back to normal”.

This thing happened. My life is forever changed. I am forever changed.

I have learned on this journey that I can never go back… So, then the question became, “How do I move forward?” And… I think this is why the idea of learning to walk alongside my grief vs getting through it has intrigued me. “Getting through it” implies it can be fixed or ignored or that it heals and is forgotten like a childhood wound that scabs over, heals, and is forgotten over time. That, I know now, is an impossibility.

The loss of Bruce and the grief I have for that loss will always be a part of me… It will always influence my thoughts and actions. So… rather than stuff it down and pretend it is all gone, why not learn to accept that it is here to stay and find a way to walk alongside it?

Here is what I mean… Deep in my soul, there will always be parts of me that were born out of good, happy moments, and other parts of me that were born out of sad or traumatic moments. The child that used to feel such freedom and exhilaration seeing how high I could go in a swing on a summer’s day – stretching my toes to try and touch the sky – is just as much a part of me as the child who overheard a conversation where she learned that she would never be “enough” in someone else’s eyes – someone she loved with all her heart. Both aspects of that child are a part of who I am.

In that same sense, the part of me that shared a love and life with Bruce – a love that saw all of me and loved me anyway – is still deep in my soul. The loss of that relationship… that love, after all, is why I grieve. Which means that grief is and will always be a part of me, so I then need to find a way to live with it.

For example, there are times when that scared child still surfaces and I question whether I am “enough”. Over time, I have learned to recognize that for what it is, and in my soul I am able to comfort that scared child and assure her that I’ve got this… She is safe now.

The way I see it, now, my job is to learn how to do the same with the part of me that still grieves… I need to be able to comfort that part of me and say, “It’s okay to hurt… I can be strong for both of us today.”

So… how is any of that spiritual? Well… maybe that (by itself) isn’t… But we all know that grief isn’t that neat and tidy. Grief has also affected my spiritual life from the very beginning. I was incredibly angry at God. How in the world could God think that this was done “for my good”? Why bother showing me what love really looks like, if the plan was to snatch it all away in the middle of the night?

Those questions (to which I have never found an answer) combined with this idea of learning to walk alongside my grief brought me to another idea, and I believe several things that come into play here:

  1. My thoughts create my experience… In other words, what I choose to focus on is what I will see and experience. That focus is my choice.
  2. God is absolute good and everywhere present… In other words, there is no where I can be where God is not. So, if God is everywhere present (that means in me and in everything around me), then two other things are also true – I am never truly alone… and all is well.
  3. The purpose of life is to grow… Which means life is filled with lessons so that I can learn how to be a little bit better today than I was yesterday.

So, then, if all that is true (which for me, it is), then what does my soul need to learn so badly that I would be in this position of grief? What am I learning on this path that I may not have learned if Bruce were still here?

At first, I felt guilty for even thinking about that last question. Yet, if I am honest, I think I am starting to understand… I needed the lessons that Bruce brought into our relationship – lessons on unconditional love (for all), acceptance (of others and myself), respect (for others and myself), and the knowledge that all things happen at the time they are meant to happen. (That last one is still a struggle for me, but I am working on it.) Those lessons have been invaluable and (obviously) I am still working on them.

At the same time, I have to acknowledge the fact that if Bruce were still here, I may have used him as a crutch in those lessons, if I weren’t forced to work through a lot of it without him. I hate to admit that, but I know me… And I have to own that side of me.

I think that is where I am this week… Realizing that my journey isn’t about getting through my grief… Instead, I need to focus on what I have learned (and continue to learn) in this process and keep in mind that I am not alone on this journey (even on the days where that is a struggle), so that I can learn to walk alongside this grief – not just on a grief journey, but as a part of my spiritual journey, as well… which feels a whole lot healthier to my soul.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.