July 2023 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Life is Precious

“I view my life through eyes of wonder.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023

Life is precious.

How many times have I said or written that in the last 10 years? I’ll tell you… a lot!

When Bruce died, I realized quite quickly just how precious (and precarious) life really is. We never know what will happen in the next breath. We never know if the next breath will even happen at all, because the only moment that is guaranteed is the one in which we currently are.

Just a few hours before Bruce died, we were sitting at the table laughing and planning a kayaking trip for that weekend. We went to bed that night with our normal routine – him tucking me into my side of the bed before crawling into his side, turning off the light, and snuggling up. Then, somewhere in the night, he took one breath… but not the next. That next breath… the one not promised… did not happen. His life… his precious life was over.

Just typing those words brings it all back like it was yesterday. The shock and unbelief as I struggled to make sense of what was happening to my world still rocks me to my core. I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) believe he was dead. That was impossible. We had just signed and mailed my daughter’s birthday card. We had just had the most wonderful holiday season complete with parties and dancing. We had plans for that weekend, a trip planned to Jamaica in two months… Our (early) retirement was just around the corner with dreams of sailing the Caribbean… And in one breath, it was all gone. Not only our dreams, but “us”… We were gone. We were no longer a “we”.

Life is precious.

Up to that point, I didn’t mind working 14+ hour days. (Shoot! I have even done a few 24-hour shifts in my career.) A 50 or 60-hour work week was the norm. When I taught school, it wasn’t unusual to find me there on the weekends or even well past midnight during the week. I love to be productive. I love to feel like I have a purpose for being on this earth. Shoot, I even went back to work within two weeks of Bruce’s death, because I could no longer sit and stare at the walls of my home.

Yet, it didn’t take long for me to realize that while I love my job, it isn’t my whole life. It isn’t who I am. It is only what I do… some of the time. Life is too short to work all the time. Rest and fun are important too. Isn’t there supposed to be a day of rest? Plus, watching how Bruce’s company responded to his death, I know that the business world doesn’t slow down because someone dies. They replace us (probably) faster than we can be buried.

Life is precious.

So, I learned to be a bit more selfish with my personal time. To be clear, I work hard, and I still don’t mind the occasional overtime. If there is a pending deadline or a project that requires some extra time, that is fine. I don’t mind. But I no longer feel the need to sacrifice my personal life to “prove” my worth as an employee. I take my breaks (usually going for a walk) and my full lunch (usually a short nap). I know without a doubt that no matter how much I do today, there will still be plenty to do tomorrow. So, while I am salary and not hourly, I still track my time, and the end of the day is the end of the day… (a very important concept when you work from home, and it would be quite easy to work 24/7).

Life is precious.

Today, thankfully, I had an epiphany… an “ah-ha” moment, if you will…

Yes, I have written about how precious life is. Even now, when I see couples arguing or families yelling at each other, I want to step in and beg them to stop. Life is too short to waste even a single moment on negative energy. Yes, have the hard conversations… talk things out (and that might take a while). However, there’s no need for all the other stuff… the stuff that hurts and leaves us feeling badly about ourselves and/or each other… the stuff that separates us rather than bringing us together.

Life is precious.

However, at the same time I was feeling and writing about all the preciousness of life, I was also praying that God would make my pain stop. (Legitimate, right?) However, I also prayed that God would take me too. I didn’t want to be here… alone. I wanted to be wherever Bruce was. I didn’t want to face a tomorrow that didn’t include this man I love.

It has been over a decade since Bruce passed… and while I have experienced a lot of healing in multiple ways, I still hurt. I still miss him. I still cry out in the deafening silence in my home… I still grieve.

Then, I read today’s devotional about the wonder of life…

“I think of this when disappointing life experiences chip away at my sense of awe and appreciation.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023

WOW! That has been my experience these last ten years. While I recognize that life is precious, Bruce’s death definitely changed my sense of “awe and appreciation”. I was hurting too badly to see very far past all the pain.

“I open myself to the unexpected treasures happening all around me each day.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023

Well, for someone who expected everyone else to realize the preciousness of life, I had obviously fallen short. Sure, I saw treasure in my family and those I love. I could still treasure the beauty of a rainbow or a newly opened flower. Yet, while those “open” moments are coming more often, it has still been something I must remind myself to do… It has not been as spontaneous as it was in years past.

“Wonder is a precious gift; one I use to appreciate the marvels unfolding before me.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023

That was when it hit me. Life is precious. Without wonder, though, it becomes so much harder to experience. You see, I knew life is precious. I knew I wanted to live in a way that expressed just that. Yet, I have been missing the mark, because I have been missing that magic ingredient called wonder.

So, as I go about my day and the rest of this week, that is my goal… To not only say that life is precious, but to put some magic and wonder back into my mindset so that my thoughts, feelings, and actions also reflect that.

I love you, my friends, and let us all remember that… Life really is precious.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as, what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are.

Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… be filled with wonder… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

I am so grateful that I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief… Who I Am

Before I start today, I just wanted to do a real quick follow-up to last week’s blog… Wednesday evening, while driving home, I looked up and directly to my left was the biggest, most vibrant rainbow with another fainter one right next to it. Since this week has been filled with both emotional “sunshine” and “rain” (with tears consistently watering my eyes), I couldn’t help but smile. This is life – the good and the bad, the positive and the negative… It takes all the things to make a full life, and I really needed that rainbow to remind me of just how beautiful the tapestry of my life really is. (Just wanted to share that little story.)

Today, though, I want to talk about us – you and me… those of us who were left behind when the person we love died…

If you have ever been in therapy, then you know that you will spend a lot of time looking at and evaluating oneself… That’s kind of the point, right? Well, this week, I was delving into the idea of “who am I?” and how that can (and does) change throughout our lifetime. I found myself contemplating the idea that there are a lot of factors that can (and often will) spur those changes.

One of these factors is trauma… After all, most life lessons are found in the hard things… And depending on how we manage those lessons and the aftermath, the changes that occur may be good, or they may make our life even harder… I hate to admit it, but how that goes is really up to us – up to each individual.

For example, there were things that happened in my childhood. I can’t really say it “trauma”, but that was how my childish brain experienced and processed it. However, our family didn’t talk about stuff like that. It just wasn’t considered polite to have those hard conversations, especially between a child and an adult. Instead, we avoided them. (Again, remember, I am speaking out of what I remember and processed as a child. This is not a judgement on how I was raised.) As a consequence, I didn’t learn this particular communication skill, and as an adult, I have always struggled with those hard conversations or any communication around difficult topics.

That has become a part of who I am currently, but not who I am destined to continue being… See what I mean? I can change that inner quality if I choose to work on it… (which I have been, in case you wondered).

In other words, who we are within any situation shapes how we experience it, and our experiences turn around and reshape who we are. Also, while those experiences will always be in our memories, we can still reshape those memories or learn to look at those experiences in a different way – a way that allows us to grow.

For me, I experienced the chaos of my first marriage from the perspective of fear and self-doubt. As the years passed, those were the emotions that grew… So, those became the emotions that other people saw in me… Those became my dominant inner characteristics. However, they weren’t written into my DNA… They weren’t really me… Deep down, I knew there was so much more to who I am.

Honestly, it took me hitting rock bottom…It took me realizing that I didn’t care if I went to hell for divorcing, because in my experience at that point in time, my kids and I were already living in hell. That is what it took for me to decide to get strong, face my fears… and (ultimately) leave.

So, let’s talk about inner quality changes… In the three years it took to get divorced, I got help. I worked with a therapist and started to regain and embrace the part of me that believed in myself. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but during those three years, the patterns and behaviors that had led us to that point got progressively worse. My ex played all kinds of games – stalling, stalking, threatening, pretty much anything to make the process just that much more difficult. Admittedly, there were days when I fell back on those old characteristics, but there were more days when I relied on my newfound inner strength and determination – despite the terror I felt with each step forward.

Then, when Bruce and I got together, he saw things in me that I didn’t even know were there. With his support and love, I continued to change and grow. Over time, I started to drop the fear and self-doubt and replace them with confidence and determination.

Then, the worst happened. Bruce died… literally in my arms… I can’t even begin to explain the trauma of trying to save the person you love from death… and failing.

Every bit of ground that I had gained over our years together disappeared when he took his last breath… I lost it… I lost all of it, (plus a little bit more). I am pretty sure I spent the first year or two in complete shock… It wasn’t long before all the self-doubt and fear returned, and I imploded… Unable to bear the thought of what life might throw my way next, I became a bit of a recluse, which only made things worse.

However, I did seek help again, and over time, I very slowly began to do the hard work to get better…

Then, this year happened. I’m not in a place to give any details. (It isn’t my story only, and I am still praying that things will get better.) However, the losses I have experienced this year have once again rocked me to my core.

The beginning of the year found me on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Thankfully, though, my therapist is good, and my God is even better! My self-loathing and self-doubt were through the roof. Yet, the few people with insight in this situation gathered around me, and despite everything else going on, I felt loved. I knew that this time, I wasn’t alone.

While it has taken many months, I have worked hard (with all of their support) and am doing okay. I have learned a lot about trauma – what it does to our brains, what it does to our psyche, what it does to us… It really does change us – even physically! Did you know that? I didn’t! Trauma actually creates changes in our brains and in our chemical make-up… Some of these are reversable, and others… well… we’ll see.

Here’s what I do know… Bruce believed in me, and the qualities he saw in me were there back then and are still in me now. I don’t need to remind myself that I am “good enough” … Instead, I need to remind myself that “I am good (period).” It’s okay if I cry and feel sad sometimes, as long as I turn around and remember that I really am loved… I do belong in this world…

I believe this journey of healing and recovery was made harder by Bruce’s death. It is a hard path to navigate alone. I would would give anything to have him here to help build me up on those days when I just can’t… And for me to do the same for him… I miss that… But… because he believed in me, I can too… Because he saw so many good qualities in me, I can too… Because he loved me… yep… I can too.

Bruce used to always say that what we do – our role in life – isn’t who we are. It is only a small part of what helps us become who we are… Such wise words… I have been focusing on those words a lot lately as I continue to evaluate who I am… My role through the years has changed many times – throughout both marriages, after my divorce, after Bruce died, and even now… Yet, that isn’t who I am… None of those roles are who I am… And I think Bruce would be proud of me because I am finally starting to believe that I am so much more than any of those… I am growing each day… And (surprisingly) I think I like who I am becoming…
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Rainbows and Butterflies

Rainbows and Butterflies… I know, it sounds more like a blog for young girls than adults dealing with grief but stay with me. Both of these things hold an analogy for this path we are traveling down.

Let’s take the rainbow for example… Even at my age, I still get excited when I see a rainbow. I love the magic of the colors floating in the sky. I love that no two rainbows ever appear to look the same to me. Sometimes they are fat and wide, sometimes they are skinny or so faint you can barely see it. Sometimes, certain colors are more vivid than others, and other times there appears to be two rainbows running parallel to each other. No matter how my day is going, I can’t help but smile whenever one appears in the sky overhead.

So, what does that have to do with us? Well… this is where the mystique of a rainbow comes into play.

You see, a rainbow requires three things – sun and rain… and the perfect position to see it. If there is only sun, there is no rainbow. If there is only rain, there is no rainbow… And if I am not in the perfect position to see the light being reflected in the raindrops, I will miss it completely. My position will also affect the rainbow’s appearance, which is why they can look so different every single time.

Scientifically, we know that if you take away any of those items, there is no rainbow… There is only sunshine or only rain… Our lives are like that – Sometimes sunshine… sometimes rain… And if you ask me, grief makes it appear to be raining a lot… (Maybe “storming” would be a more accurate term.) In other words, we have bright days, and we have dark days… and our “position” on any given day will determine what we “see”… It completely depends on where we are on the path.

Honestly, in the beginning, all I could see was the rain. My sadness and grief were all encompassing. However, life is odd, and no matter what else is going on in our world there is always some sunshine… somewhere. It just depends on our emotional position whether or not we can see it. Like our lives, it may take some time and distance, some perspective, if you will, to appreciate the blended reflections (the colors) that make our lives a thing of beauty.

The butterfly, on the other hand, is also like the journey we are on. As we know, butterflies start off as caterpillars. At this point, they eat and eat and eat… and grow and grow and grow. Then one day, nature takes over and the caterpillar forms a chrysalis. While inside the chrysalis, the caterpillar undergoes a complete transformation as it turns into a liquid, soupy substance before finally exiting as a butterfly. I say that I can’t imagine what that transformation is like, but then again, maybe I can.

Like the caterpillar, I was just going through life doing what I do – minding my business and enjoying the world around me – loving Bruce and getting “fat on life”. Suddenly, though, I found myself caught up in this terrible experience of loss and grief. Like the caterpillar in the chrysalis, my world was reduced to a mass of muckiness. I struggled and I cried. I fought it every inch of the way from the shock of it all to finding some semblance of acceptance. Over time, I began to realize that I was no longer me, and something deep inside left me knowing that I had changed and would never be the same again.

Now, I wouldn’t say that I am a beautiful butterfly. (LOL!) At the same time, though, I know that this whole process has created someone stronger and more independent; someone with a strong understanding of just how precious life is… That every moment is a gift, and what I choose to do with it is completely up to me.

I won’t say I always get this right… I have always been honest here in this space. I have shared my hard days with y’all, as well as my triumphant ones – the good and the bad… the sun and the rain… my chrysalis of grief, if you will. I know my outlook each day depends on where I am emotionally – where life has led me and who has been on the path with me. Any of this can leave me feeling like I am either back in the chrysalis or like a butterfly finally emerging from that awful muck.

It all depends on where I am in life. Yet as time passes, I find that more and more I am able to see the rainbow with its promises of hope, love, and new beginnings, or a heart-warming mix of all these things… In other words, I am learning that a life well-lived is made up of all these things…

“I give thanks for each one (bright days and darks days) … I appreciate the blended reflections that make up the beauty of living.” ~ The Daily Word, June 17, 2023.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… My Happy Place

I truly believe I am blessed… very blessed, actually. I know… That’s not something I tend to say (or write) here often enough. Yet, it is something I firmly believe to the depths of my soul… Why?

Well, there are a thousand reasons… Having had Bruce as a part of my life would be a big one… As well as, my kids, my sister, my family, Bruce’s family, my friends… (And that list could go on and on.) So many people to love and to be loved… Such blessings!

Today, though, my thoughts are centered on how I have always managed to have a “happy place” … Do you know what I mean? I am talking about that sacred space where once you enter your body seems to instantly feel a little more at peace. Whether you are there because life has gone awry and you are seeking peace, or maybe you are at one with the world and just want to fill your soul with a little more peace, it doesn’t really matter… You know this is the space to find that.

For me, that space has always been somewhere outdoors. (Funny, I know, for a girl who hates camping… I guess when it comes to creature comforts, I put a lot of stock in a real bed and a warm shower.) Still, though, I love being outdoors. (In fact, when going out to eat, if outdoor dining is an option, that will be my choice 99% of the time.)

As a child, my happy place was the woods. We lived out in the country, so exploring and meandering through the woods was how I passed my time… Quickly, it became my haven from the world. Even when I was eight and we moved closer to the city, there were still woods close by which became my safe harbor from the rest of the world. I can remember spending many hours in those woods, sitting on the rocks by the creek, sharing my thoughts out loud and “watching” them drift downstream – to be taken away by the same current tickling my toes.

During my teen years, my happy place expanded to our sailboat and being on the lake. Granted, the access was more limited… There were factors to consider, such as the weather, plus towing and launching the boat… And any of those could make or break a plan to get away. However, once I was out there, there was something about the combination of the serene quiet, the breeze, and the vast expanse of water and sky that always calmed my soul.

By college, my happy place had transformed just a bit to be anyplace by the water. Yet, the beach was (and still is) my absolute favorite… especially one little quiet beach just south of Charleston, SC. I have spent many wonderfully, solitary hours on this beach – letting her magic calm my soul and soothe my hurts.

(Almost) every year during my first marriage, this beach became the much-needed balm for my soul. Even years later, when I went through my divorce, (which was an insane three-year process), this was the place where I would come and walk for hours. This was the place where I found peace in a world that was imploding and the energy to go back and continue on.

The next year, Bruce and I met on a boat and bonded over a love for the water. The beach was both our happy place. We spent hours on or near the water creating precious memories and restoring our souls in preparation for the week ahead. Some of our favorite places were sitting by the river near our home, on our sailboat at Lake Michigan, and at the beach near our home here in Florida.

When Bruce died, we were living in this same little coastal town. So thankfully, I was still able to spend hours with my feet in the sand, watching the waves where his ashes were scattered, and trying to reclaim my life, (which felt impossible in the beginning) … This is something I still treasure being able to do.

This past week, though, I was back at that favorite, quiet beach in SC with my sister. We spent hours just sitting on the beach, the dock, and the porch – talking, laughing, sharing, reading, resting – all the things… But mostly, absorbing the magic of the ocean and the marsh as they have worked to heal my soul this week. This has been a tough year with plenty of heartache and growth, so I am extremely thankful for this space… in this time… and the calm that fills my entire being whenever I am there.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Being Who I Am Meant to Be

Know what I miss? … I miss Bruce! (Big surprise, I’m sure.) I miss this man… This wonderful man who encouraged me to have a voice… Who encouraged me to be the person I was meant to be.

This week, I watched a docuseries on TV about a recent, popular, fundamentalist movement. This movement, as it turns out, has been quite entrenched in the religion of my childhood for a very long time. While my experience was not as extreme as the experiences of the people in the series, I still realized (quite quickly) just how much that experience has affected my entire life – from the message of “male authority” to the message of “never good enough” (and all the messages in between).

I have spent years running from all of that…

But Bruce… Dear, sweet Bruce was my hero! (My “Jesus with the skin on” as my mother liked to say.) He always thought I was enough. He, also, never believed in “male authority”. He simply wanted to love me… and for me to love him… and for both of us to be happy living as the people we were meant to be.

“Someone’s inability to see our value does not detract from our worth.” ~ Sheri McGegor, M.A., Done With the Crying

What a concept! It was something I had never experienced before Bruce. And the best part… It was completely unconditional, and it was real! Every time I think about it, my heart nearly bursts. This is how life and love are supposed to be. Yet so many of us never get here.

The problem was when Bruce died, I was lost… I didn’t know how to find any of that for myself… or by myself. That struggle has been such a huge part of my journey these past ten years.

So, while watching this series this week, for the first time ever, I realized why I have struggle so… These messages have been instilled in me since early childhood… They are deep in my bones… And I cried… a lot.

I cried for what was. I cried for what wasn’t. I cried for how this affected me as a parent. I cried for how this affected me as a wife. I cried for how this affected me as a woman. I cried out of sadness. I cried out of grief. I cried out of anger… I cried until there were no more emotions and no more tears.

Then… I remembered this hero… This man who loved me simply as me. This man who encouraged me to simply be me – the good, the bad, whatever… He loved all of me.

So tonight, as I am crying (with realization) and writing (to get all this out), I am also finding solace in the most amazing love I ever knew.

It brings to mind a conversation I had with Bruce’s Mom a couple of weeks ago… She was telling me (for the millionth time) that they, (Bruce’s family), will still love me if I were to meet someone else. They just want me to be happy. To which I replied, “Mom, I’ve had the worst of the worst, and the best of the best. (Bruce, obviously, was the best.) And I’m not willing to (or don’t want to) settle for anything in the middle.” She just smiled, patted my hand, and gave me a hug… (And I am sure, down the road, she will tell me again… because their love, too, is unconditional.)

I know – never say never, but I meant it… Bruce was amazing. He was my hero… and my kids’ hero… My love for him will last forever… And his love for me will get me there.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.