Before I start today, I just wanted to do a real quick follow-up to last week’s blog… Wednesday evening, while driving home, I looked up and directly to my left was the biggest, most vibrant rainbow with another fainter one right next to it. Since this week has been filled with both emotional “sunshine” and “rain” (with tears consistently watering my eyes), I couldn’t help but smile. This is life – the good and the bad, the positive and the negative… It takes all the things to make a full life, and I really needed that rainbow to remind me of just how beautiful the tapestry of my life really is. (Just wanted to share that little story.)
Today, though, I want to talk about us – you and me… those of us who were left behind when the person we love died…
If you have ever been in therapy, then you know that you will spend a lot of time looking at and evaluating oneself… That’s kind of the point, right? Well, this week, I was delving into the idea of “who am I?” and how that can (and does) change throughout our lifetime. I found myself contemplating the idea that there are a lot of factors that can (and often will) spur those changes.
One of these factors is trauma… After all, most life lessons are found in the hard things… And depending on how we manage those lessons and the aftermath, the changes that occur may be good, or they may make our life even harder… I hate to admit it, but how that goes is really up to us – up to each individual.
For example, there were things that happened in my childhood. I can’t really say it “trauma”, but that was how my childish brain experienced and processed it. However, our family didn’t talk about stuff like that. It just wasn’t considered polite to have those hard conversations, especially between a child and an adult. Instead, we avoided them. (Again, remember, I am speaking out of what I remember and processed as a child. This is not a judgement on how I was raised.) As a consequence, I didn’t learn this particular communication skill, and as an adult, I have always struggled with those hard conversations or any communication around difficult topics.
That has become a part of who I am currently, but not who I am destined to continue being… See what I mean? I can change that inner quality if I choose to work on it… (which I have been, in case you wondered).
In other words, who we are within any situation shapes how we experience it, and our experiences turn around and reshape who we are. Also, while those experiences will always be in our memories, we can still reshape those memories or learn to look at those experiences in a different way – a way that allows us to grow.
For me, I experienced the chaos of my first marriage from the perspective of fear and self-doubt. As the years passed, those were the emotions that grew… So, those became the emotions that other people saw in me… Those became my dominant inner characteristics. However, they weren’t written into my DNA… They weren’t really me… Deep down, I knew there was so much more to who I am.
Honestly, it took me hitting rock bottom…It took me realizing that I didn’t care if I went to hell for divorcing, because in my experience at that point in time, my kids and I were already living in hell. That is what it took for me to decide to get strong, face my fears… and (ultimately) leave.
So, let’s talk about inner quality changes… In the three years it took to get divorced, I got help. I worked with a therapist and started to regain and embrace the part of me that believed in myself. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but during those three years, the patterns and behaviors that had led us to that point got progressively worse. My ex played all kinds of games – stalling, stalking, threatening, pretty much anything to make the process just that much more difficult. Admittedly, there were days when I fell back on those old characteristics, but there were more days when I relied on my newfound inner strength and determination – despite the terror I felt with each step forward.
Then, when Bruce and I got together, he saw things in me that I didn’t even know were there. With his support and love, I continued to change and grow. Over time, I started to drop the fear and self-doubt and replace them with confidence and determination.
Then, the worst happened. Bruce died… literally in my arms… I can’t even begin to explain the trauma of trying to save the person you love from death… and failing.
Every bit of ground that I had gained over our years together disappeared when he took his last breath… I lost it… I lost all of it, (plus a little bit more). I am pretty sure I spent the first year or two in complete shock… It wasn’t long before all the self-doubt and fear returned, and I imploded… Unable to bear the thought of what life might throw my way next, I became a bit of a recluse, which only made things worse.
However, I did seek help again, and over time, I very slowly began to do the hard work to get better…
Then, this year happened. I’m not in a place to give any details. (It isn’t my story only, and I am still praying that things will get better.) However, the losses I have experienced this year have once again rocked me to my core.
The beginning of the year found me on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Thankfully, though, my therapist is good, and my God is even better! My self-loathing and self-doubt were through the roof. Yet, the few people with insight in this situation gathered around me, and despite everything else going on, I felt loved. I knew that this time, I wasn’t alone.
While it has taken many months, I have worked hard (with all of their support) and am doing okay. I have learned a lot about trauma – what it does to our brains, what it does to our psyche, what it does to us… It really does change us – even physically! Did you know that? I didn’t! Trauma actually creates changes in our brains and in our chemical make-up… Some of these are reversable, and others… well… we’ll see.
Here’s what I do know… Bruce believed in me, and the qualities he saw in me were there back then and are still in me now. I don’t need to remind myself that I am “good enough” … Instead, I need to remind myself that “I am good (period).” It’s okay if I cry and feel sad sometimes, as long as I turn around and remember that I really am loved… I do belong in this world…
I believe this journey of healing and recovery was made harder by Bruce’s death. It is a hard path to navigate alone. I would would give anything to have him here to help build me up on those days when I just can’t… And for me to do the same for him… I miss that… But… because he believed in me, I can too… Because he saw so many good qualities in me, I can too… Because he loved me… yep… I can too.
Bruce used to always say that what we do – our role in life – isn’t who we are. It is only a small part of what helps us become who we are… Such wise words… I have been focusing on those words a lot lately as I continue to evaluate who I am… My role through the years has changed many times – throughout both marriages, after my divorce, after Bruce died, and even now… Yet, that isn’t who I am… None of those roles are who I am… And I think Bruce would be proud of me because I am finally starting to believe that I am so much more than any of those… I am growing each day… And (surprisingly) I think I like who I am becoming…
_________________________________________________________
Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.
