February 2022 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Dreaming in Reverse

“Grieving is dreaming in reverse… But when you are grieving over something or someone that was taken away, you wish you could go back in time. You dream in reverse.” ~ Lysa Terkeurst, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget

I ran across this quote this week in a book I am reading, and the truth of it seemed to almost slap me in the face. This is how I feel every single day… every single moment. I would give almost anything for things to be different… For Bruce to still be here. For this Sunday afternoon to be spent laying on the beach next to him, pinkies entwined, instead of sitting here writing about grief.

At the same, every time I think of Bruce and any of my precious memories of our time together, I smile. Why? Because I am dreaming in reverse. Because those are the memories that captured our love for each even in the most simple of moments. My grandmother always referred to these as “precious memories.” I also adopted that term not too many years ago, because that is exactly what they are – precious memories.

“Instead of hoping for what will one day be, you long for a more innocent time when you lived more unaware of tragedy. But the griever knows they can’t go back in time. So healing feels impossible, because circumstances feel unchangeable.” ~ Lysa Terkeurst, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget

Healing does feel impossible at times – mainly because of a couple of things…

First of all, after the loss of someone you love so much, it is hard to know which way is forward. You know the expectation is to “heal,” but how does that happen when it hurts so badly. How do you move through each day? How do you learn to smile again or to laugh? How do you fill the time the two of you used to share at the end of the day or on your days off?

Sometimes people are quick to give advice on how to do these things, but they have no idea how the actual application works. It would be like telling a baby to just get up and walk, then not understanding why they don’t. As if it were that simple… As if there is not a process – a building of strength, balance, and confidence – before that baby can even attempt that first step.

It is the same with grief. We want to feel how we did before we lost this person we love, but that is no longer possible. So, then we have to try to figure out what this journey is supposed to be like, and how we are supposed to feel and function. We also have to build our strength, our balance, and our confidence before we can even attempt to move forward – wherever that is.

I don’t know how to explain it, but “dreaming in reverse” can sometimes be the way we do those things. We have to be careful not to get “stuck” looking back, but still… Those memories often times hold the clues we need to move forward… I guess it is somehow linked to remembering the love we had for each other and learning to love ourselves that same way – with that same abandon and sense of adventure.

The second reason I have found for struggling to heal in the wake of loss is a fear of forgetting this person we (still) love so very much. It can be terrifying to think that we might forget who they were, what they sounded like, how it felt to be with them, and all the things that made them “our person.” For example, in my case, I have pictures of Bruce. (Although I wish there were more.) I treasure these moments caught in time, mainly because that is all I have left. I also have three videos of him – three… that’s it. And he only talks in one of them… He is playing with our grandson and says one word – “Almost”. That’s it… That’s all I have… one word… and it leaves me terrified of forgetting his voice.

So how do you heal, (or as some people say, “move on”), when you are trying so hard to hang on and not forget? I don’t know what to tell you except that the whole “dreaming in reverse seems to help… All of those precious memories seem to bring me comfort… This is the space where I do remember… where I know Bruce and our love for each other still lives on.

So, if you ever read this and wonder how I can still be here writing about grief nine years later, here’s why… Bottom line – it’s hard… This whole grief thing is just plain hard… And no one has the answer on how to heal or move forward, because there isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” answer… Which means each of us has to figure out our own path… Talk about hard… talk about rough… talk about feeling overwhelming and impossible at times.

So yes… These are some of the reasons we constantly find ourselves “dreaming in reverse”.

This grief thing really is hard, and honestly, while I have learned a lot, I still hate it. There are more good days than there used to be, but I still constantly find myself wishing for the past. Grief has changed me in ways I could never have prepared for, and in ways no one else might understand. Life on this path is sometimes filled with challenges I never imagined. And each time I think I have it figured out, something happens, and I find I haven’t figured it out at all.

However, finding ways to stay grounded and remembering how blessed I am to have known Bruce’s love (even for a short time) has been my path to survival and healing. At this point in my journey, I am learning that while I remember the past, I must also keep looking at this life before me and recognizing the joy, love, and hope it still holds… Then, learning to hold onto that with everything I have.

Thanks to you, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief… Falling in Love Along the Way

Life is filled with journeys – true journeys and metaphorical journeys. This is the way life is…. It is how we grow and learn and develop. It is how we discover new things about ourselves and how we expand our lives. I write a lot about my grief journey. However, today I want to talk about the wonderful journey life held for the two of us when Bruce and I met… and how we fell in love along the way…

The year was 2005, and our relationship was just beginning. We had met just a couple of months earlier while in the Virgin Islands, and now we were trying to figure out just what this “thing” was between us. During this time, we had started emailing and calling each other. We both knew how wonderful things had been on the cruise, and we knew our relationship seemed special. However, we were 1000 miles apart and both of us felt like we needed some face-to-face time (not on a cruise) to see what was real between us and what wasn’t.

After some conversation back and forth, we both realized each of us was trying to plan a trip to see the other. At the time, I was living in a small town with a lot of caring and loving people… Which is exactly why I wanted our time together to be in Michigan. I did not want the whole town watching while we tried to figure things out… I really needed this to be between just the two of us. So, it was decided that I would be the one to travel… I booked a trip to Michigan for President’s Day weekend.

That year (like this one), Valentine’s Day was exactly one week before President’s Day. I was teaching at a small parochial school with a mostly female staff. All day long, I watched while the other teachers received an unending flow of flowers and candy. I don’t know why I thought he might send me anything. It didn’t make sense, since technically we really weren’t in a relationship. Quite the opposite, actually… We were trying to figure out if that was what we even wanted. However, neither of us were seeing anyone else and feelings between us were growing stronger every time we talked. By the time the day wound down and the kids had headed home, I had resigned myself to the idea that at best there might be a card in the mail when I got home… And honestly, how could I really expect anything more than that?

As I walked into the office to “clock out” for the day, the school secretary said, “Oh, thank goodness! I thought you were gone. This package came earlier this morning and somehow I missed getting it to you.” … And there on the counter was a medium sized box addressed to me. My heart leapt!

I was so excited that I opened it immediately. Inside was a teddy bear dressed for the islands – holding a dozen roses and a note. My heart melted! The gift was perfect! It wasn’t overly romantic… It was simply something to remind me of us and our time together on the cruise.

The next weekend, I flew to Michigan. I was so scared! What was I thinking?? What if I got there, and he wasn’t who he said he was… or who I thought he was? What if things got weird? What if it was a bust? What if… What if… Then again… What if things were wonderful? What if this was something meant to be?
I was so nervous on that plane ride and nervously talked the ear off of the gentleman next to me. But he was great and encouraged me to go for it…

I will always remember walking down the corridor at the airport. Even now, I can close my eyes and still see Bruce standing there, leaning against the wall watching as the passengers walked towards him. As soon as he spotted me, his eyes lit up, and he smiled like a Cheshire cat, (a grin I would grow accustomed to and learn to love with all my heart).

Our weekend together could not have been better. We had our first “land” date as soon as we left the airport. On Saturday, he tried to take me for a sleigh ride, which I had told him was one of my lifetime wishes. He had made reservations, but there was not enough snow on the ground. So, instead, he took me exploring all over the western side of Michigan… Which is beautiful, by the way!

We drove out to Lake Michigan to see the icebergs and snowy beaches. (It was crazy!! I have never seen a real iceberg, or a beach covered in snow.) We went to an ice carving competition (something I had also never experienced living in the south). To warm back up, Bruce found us a cozy little pub where we could snuggle up and enjoy some spiced cider.

One of the nights while I was there, we made plans to go out with his sisters (which held its own set of worries for me). After all, meeting family is a big step, and I wasn’t sure what to think about it. Then, before we headed out, Bruce took me into his arms, lifted my chin so he could look into my eyes, and said, “I don’t want to scare you off, but I really think I am falling in love you.” And at that point, I knew… There was no hesitation…

“I’m not scared,” I answered. “I think I’m falling in love with you, too.”

And that was the start of our journey…

After that, Valentine’s and President’s Day weekend(s) always found us reminiscing and smiling… so thankful that we took a chance (and won). These days marked a very special moment for us… That moment when we knew our lives would be forever intertwined… when we realized that our souls were inseparable…

Throughout the years, Bruce always did something special during February. He was always the one to come up with an idea and do all the planning. (All I had to do was show up.) Every other year, he planned a trip, just like that first year. One year, we went further north to a ranch in Michigan, (which was the year I finally got my sleigh ride). Another year, we took a trip to St. Augustine. During our last February together, we traveled to Key West. I loved these trips! (It didn’t matter where we went – our time together was the blessing.) Each trip created its own precious memories and a special place in my heart.

That was then… But this is now… Physically, Bruce is gone, and I am on another part of my journey… One that is bit harder. I no longer expect to receive any bears or flowers or candy or cards. (Although, my kids always take me out and do a great job of making me feel special.) While that first President’s Day weekend is gone, I will always treasure the memories of that time together – a time of discovery and wonder. But none of that really ended when Bruce died, because I know that I will always love him… And in my heart, I believe he is still with me… and he always will be.

This grief thing is hard, and honestly, while I have learned a lot, I still hate it. There are more good days than there used to be but I still constantly find myself caught between various emotions and the anxiety of day to day living. I am learning that while each day might bring new tears, it also brings new hope. Grief has changed me in ways I could never have prepared for, and in ways no one else might understand. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. However, finding ways to stay grounded and remembering how blessed I am to have known Bruce’s love (even for a short time) has been my path to survival and healing. Life on this path is sometimes filled with challenges I never imagined. And each time I think I have it figured out; I find I haven’t at all. However, at this point in my journey, I know I simply need to breathe, while looking at this life before me and recognizing the joy, love, and hope it still holds… Then, learning to hold onto that with everything I have.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Be Still

When Bruce died, I received all kinds of cards and notes – some were notes of sympathy and others were meant to uplift or motivate. (Each one was a blessing and I still have them all tucked into a box with Bruce’s things.) Many of these were in the form of Bible verses – verses I have probably read all my life, but never have they held the meaning they did in those initial weeks after Bruce died.

One verse, though, stood out and has been a Godsend for me over the past nine years.

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

In the beginning, I built a whole bulletin board around it in my office at work. It faced my desk so that whenever anyone else was in there to talk to me, it was behind them… But it was still there for me to see… for me to draw strength from.

Several years ago, when our office was reconfigured to be an open office plan, I had to remove it, since I no longer had walls (or an office). However, that didn’t mean it was gone from my mind. It was still my go-to, especially when life without Bruce felt (or still feels) overwhelming. Then, when we started working from home a couple of years ago, I painted it onto a plaque to hang in my bedroom… Just a constant reminder each morning that I am not alone, even in my darkest moments.

Through all of the grief and anxiety of the past nine years, this verse has been a reminder for me that God is still in control… (even when it feels otherwise). It is a reminder that I don’t need to do anything – only be still… breathe… and believe… have faith. Through the years, this verse has become my meditation mantra. I start by breathing in (Be still), breathing out (And know), breathing in (That I), breathing out (Am God). Then I start dropping phrases – breathe in (Be still), breathe out (and know). Then I start dropping words – breathe in (Be still), breathe out (Be)… Then I just breathe.

I have been using this calming mantra for years – sometimes, several times a day, and (usually) it works. It is a favorite of mine in the evenings when the day is done, and I just need to quiet my soul. I don’t know about you, but for me, my grief seems to always be lurking behind every thought… every emotion… every moment. However, remembering to just be still… to just “be” … gives me the strength to keep moving forward knowing that I don’t have to do all the work. I can simply let go and just breathe for a while.

This grief thing is hard, and honestly, I hate it. I constantly find myself caught between emotions and the anxiety of day to day living. I am learning that each day may offer new tears, but it also brings new hope (when I am still long enough to notice it). Grief has changed me in ways I could never have prepared for, and in ways no one else might understand. This journey is not an easy path for anyone but finding ways to stay grounded has been my path to survival and healing. Life on this path is now filled with challenges I never imagined. And each time I think I have it figured out; I find I haven’t at all. However, at this point in my journey, I know I have to simply let myself breathe, while at the same time, looking at this life before me to find the joy, love, and hope it still holds… Then, learning to hold onto that with everything I have.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Caution or Fear

“You will be hurt again, because being hurt is part of being alive.” ~ Tom, Downton Abby

Ain’t it the truth?? Since Bruce died, I have told myself that a lot of my behaviors is just me being cautious. However, I have spent the better part of the last few weeks, looking at my own behaviors and trying to come up with answers to why I do some of the things I do, and have realized that there is more fear driving my behaviors than anything else.

Some of the things I do just seem so silly and ridiculous. (I think that is just being human.) Other things are actually a bit self-limiting; I suppose. And to top it off, for years I have let everyone around me tell how I should “fix” myself, rather than spending time figuring things out for myself. Then, I have resented their “interference” and just kept doing the same things, which has resulted in no change at all.

I think one of the biggest areas I have missed out on is in relationships. (I’m not just talking about dating. I am talking about all relationships.) Since Bruce died, I have found it easier to just keep most people at arm’s length. Sure, there are a handful of people who really know me. However, most of these people have been a part of my life for a very long time… Most of them were a part of my life before Bruce died and have remained an active part of my life after. (Granted, there are a few that entered my world afterward, but only a very few.) These are my people… They are my “solids” – the ones I can call in the middle of the night and talk about anything… (or almost anything).

What I have realized lately, though, is that I don’t really let anyone new into my world any more. I am nice. I am polite. I am kind… but… I am not open, and I do not encourage a deeper bond… I would like a deeper bond… I miss that… So why am I this way? Why am I doing this to myself?

Well, this week, it kind of came to a head while talking to someone about friendships and meeting people. They simply asked me “why.” I don’t know how I managed an answer, but I did. And it was the first time I believe I have been honest with myself about this.

“I don’t want to hurt like that again… like I have since Bruce died. I don’t think I can survive anything like that again… I can’t… I just can’t,” I blurted out, with the tears coming right behind the words.

It’s true… I don’t think I have ever verbalized it before, but it is true. Instead of getting to know people… Instead of giving them a chance, I tend to look for reasons not to get close to someone… And I am good at it. I can always find some reason – some small infraction that allows me to keep them at arm’s length without a second thought.

I miss the open way I used to be, and I miss new friendships and all that goes into them. Yet, the idea of losing someone I love is bigger than all of that. It is completely overwhelming to me. Yes, I know that I am likely to lose one of these “solids” in my life at some point. However, most of them were already a part of my world before I learned how devastating grief can be. I can’t control that… but I can control how many new relationships I allow. I guess, without even meaning to, I have been trying to protect myself from the chances of something so incredibly painful from ever happening again. Yet, at the same time, wishing for the very thing that I am pushing away.

What a quandary…

So here I am… forcing myself to look deep within. I can’t say that I know how I am going to change this, because I don’t know. Nor do I know if I am even ready to change this. I really don’t know if I could survive another loss like Bruce. But… I do think that recognizing it and facing it head on is the only way I will ever figure out what I really want to do…

This grief thing is hard. I hate it. In so many ways, I am not the person I used to be… (And I miss her). I am constantly finding myself caught between caution, fear, anger, loneliness… you name it. Each day offers new hope and new tears. I know it has changed me in ways I could never have prepared for, and in ways no one else might understand. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. I would guess that none of us wants to be on this path. Yet, this is where life has landed us. And at least for now, this is where we are. For me, life is now filled with challenges I never imagined. And each time I think I have it figured out; I find I haven’t at all. However, at this point in my journey, I know I have to simply look deep and let myself feel what I feel. At the same time, I need to look at this life before me and not be scared to find the joy, love, and hope life still holds… Then, being willing to hold onto those things with everything I have.

I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.