Tag: breathe

Peace, Love, and Grief – Moving Forward

Last week I wrote about focus. I wrote about how being more aware (mindful) of what I am focused on throughout the day has made a huge difference for me on this path I am on. Then, this week, a couple of questions popped up in something I was reading…

• What does moving forward mean to you in the context of your grief?
• What small steps can you take right now?

This felt like an extension of what I was talking about last week, but it also prompted me to look a little bit closer look at how I work on my focus throughout the day and week. I don’t know about you, but when someone suggests that I try something I have never tried before (or never been successful at if I did try), I need some ideas on the how-to part of the advice… And as a list person, step-by-step directions for implementation are a must.

That being said, I have a few things that I do, but for today, I thought I would share two of those ideas – not so many to be overwhelming but at least there are options… And hopefully, one of these will be beneficial for someone else, as well.

Before I go into any detail, let me be clear that these are small actions… very small actions, and they may feel more like baby steps rather than anything monumental. At the same time, keep in mind that even baby steps are forward motion, and the goal is to get unstuck and continue healing and moving forward.

The pace at which this happens is as individual as each of us and each loss we experience. So… be patient with yourself and the process. There is no rushing through it; it is a moment by moment, step by step experience.

So… here are two ways I like to start my day (or week) depending on where I am emotionally. Each of these allow me to take control and anchor myself vs letting my emotions take complete control.

Idea 1
1. Stand in your main living space with one hand on your chest (to feel your heartbeat) and one hand on your belly (to feel your breath).

2. Take three deep breaths. This allows you to slow your heartbeat and breath rate (which helps to lower your cortisol – the anxiety, fight-or-flight hormone), while also allowing you to connect to those natural rhythms within.

3. Name three things that are stable in your life right now – this moment. Don’t think about next week or next year – only this exact moment. Also, they don’t need to be perfect – only stable. (This could include relationships as well as material items… In other words, anything that is stable right now.)

4. Say: “This is enough to carry me through today/this week.”

* Repeat this throughout the day/week as needed. By focusing on the stable things in your life, you will reinforce resilience rather than denying any difficulty.

Idea 2
1. Take three deep breaths. (Same reasons as above)

2. Ask yourself (and answer):
a. How do I want to feel today?
b. What’s one thing that would make me proud tonight?
c. What can I release from my to-do list?

* This is about being mindful with our self-care while allowing us to enter the day with clarity and softness.

As I said, these are small actions with the potential for great change. They provide a way of moving forward (even if the steps are small). They work in a way that is positive and builds up our resilience. Finally, neither of these are about denying our pain… They are simply about shifting our focus to help create a more hope-filled experience.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Be Still

When Bruce died, I received all kinds of cards and notes – some were notes of sympathy and others were meant to uplift or motivate. (Each one was a blessing and I still have them all tucked into a box with Bruce’s things.) Many of these were in the form of Bible verses – verses I have probably read all my life, but never have they held the meaning they did in those initial weeks after Bruce died.

One verse, though, stood out and has been a Godsend for me over the past nine years.

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

In the beginning, I built a whole bulletin board around it in my office at work. It faced my desk so that whenever anyone else was in there to talk to me, it was behind them… But it was still there for me to see… for me to draw strength from.

Several years ago, when our office was reconfigured to be an open office plan, I had to remove it, since I no longer had walls (or an office). However, that didn’t mean it was gone from my mind. It was still my go-to, especially when life without Bruce felt (or still feels) overwhelming. Then, when we started working from home a couple of years ago, I painted it onto a plaque to hang in my bedroom… Just a constant reminder each morning that I am not alone, even in my darkest moments.

Through all of the grief and anxiety of the past nine years, this verse has been a reminder for me that God is still in control… (even when it feels otherwise). It is a reminder that I don’t need to do anything – only be still… breathe… and believe… have faith. Through the years, this verse has become my meditation mantra. I start by breathing in (Be still), breathing out (And know), breathing in (That I), breathing out (Am God). Then I start dropping phrases – breathe in (Be still), breathe out (and know). Then I start dropping words – breathe in (Be still), breathe out (Be)… Then I just breathe.

I have been using this calming mantra for years – sometimes, several times a day, and (usually) it works. It is a favorite of mine in the evenings when the day is done, and I just need to quiet my soul. I don’t know about you, but for me, my grief seems to always be lurking behind every thought… every emotion… every moment. However, remembering to just be still… to just “be” … gives me the strength to keep moving forward knowing that I don’t have to do all the work. I can simply let go and just breathe for a while.

This grief thing is hard, and honestly, I hate it. I constantly find myself caught between emotions and the anxiety of day to day living. I am learning that each day may offer new tears, but it also brings new hope (when I am still long enough to notice it). Grief has changed me in ways I could never have prepared for, and in ways no one else might understand. This journey is not an easy path for anyone but finding ways to stay grounded has been my path to survival and healing. Life on this path is now filled with challenges I never imagined. And each time I think I have it figured out; I find I haven’t at all. However, at this point in my journey, I know I have to simply let myself breathe, while at the same time, looking at this life before me to find the joy, love, and hope it still holds… Then, learning to hold onto that with everything I have.

Thanks to you, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… One Step at a Time

Alone… Is this a test?
I think I am failing.
I want to move past the sadness.
I want to find the blessings.
But every time I come back to
Being alone…

~ Linda, October 2013

I have put off writing this week until the last minute (or what feels like the last minute). It’s not that I don’t know what to say… It’s that I have so much to say and I’m not sure how to say it in a way that makes sense.

There is a part of me that seems to always dread this time of year, because this month starts a series of major days and holidays… all in a row – one on top of the next. It starts with Halloween, then moves to our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, New Years and the anniversary of Bruce’s death.

Anyone who has grieved deeply knows how hard the holidays and big events can be when you find yourself alone. There is an unrelenting sadness when you realize you are no longer able to share those days with the person you have shared your life with for so long. For me, the next few months will be an emotional roller coaster as I go from one event to the next… all without Bruce… for the sixth time. (Yes, I am still counting, and yes, it still makes me sad.)

The first year I ignored as many of these holidays as possible. It hurt too much to imagine celebrating anything without Bruce. So, I hid and let the world do its thing while I pretended not to notice. I closed my door, turned off the radio or left town… Whatever it took to keep those reminders away.

You might be surprised to know, but it was actually pretty easy to do. The world starts getting very busy this time of year… Most people don’t really notice when you choose to disappear from the craziness. I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but it was what I needed to do that first year.

The next year, I decided I wanted to try to join the world… at least with my kids and my grandson. So, I joined them for as many of these days as possible and spent the rest with friends. The problem for me, however, was the timing of everything… As soon as I got past one event, I had to mentally prepare for the next… There just didn’t seem to be a chance to heal or even breathe in between.

While it was a relief to be a part of everything and not be alone, when all was said and done, I was emotionally drained. Months later, I listened to a recording taken at the end of that time period, and I didn’t even sound coherent. But while I may have been a mess, I had done it! I had survived!

Thankfully, time is a kind friend, and each year has brought more healing and a stronger me. That doesn’t mean, the emotions aren’t there… I am still sad… I still miss my Bruce… And this week, I found myself crying several times as I contemplated what is ahead.

This year as Halloween approaches and the holiday commercials start to air on TV, I am faced once again with an overwhelming relay of events. All week I have had that inner dialogue going… I’m sure you know what I mean…

In my self-development seminars or when coaching individuals, I discuss that inner dialogue… That angel and devil thing we laugh at in cartoons. Why do we laugh? Because we have all experienced it at one time or another. For most of us, though, it isn’t necessarily a temptation thing – a good or evil thing.

Usually it presents itself as one “voice” that sounds more like, “Why bother?” “What’s the point?” “You’ll never be able to do that.” In other words, it is a self-defeating voice. It is based on our fears, negative emotions, and low energy. It is not based in reality. It does not build resilience and does not move us forward. In fact, it is happiest if we stay where we are or even take a few steps back.

Then, there is the other, kinder “voice.” It is encouraging. It is not based on our fears but on our passions, goals and what is real. It is healthy and nurturing. Its purpose is to build resilience and help us move forward… To live life – even if it is just one small step at a time.

This week the dialogue battling within me has been one of dreading the upcoming months, while realizing that all I really need to do is face this the same way I have faced cancer this year… one step at a time – no more. I have learned that when I try looking too far down the road, I become intimidated. Then, my fear of what is ahead leads me to question my ability to make it through. Reminding myself to slow down, and just focus on the step ahead has been my saving grace this year.

I remember right after Bruce died… The idea of spending the rest of my life without him – alone – seemed very intimidating. Most days I didn’t even want to try… that road ahead looked never ending. It took me a while to tune out that self-defeating voice and start listening to that kinder, gentler voice that encouraged me to take one small step and then another.

In my family, the women seem live quite a long time, so I figure I have another 50+/- years to go… without him. That is a long time. It can be quite daunting if I let myself dwell on it too long. But, I am learning not to look that far down the road. I am learning to just breathe and take it one day and one step at a time.

I am learning…

That is what I have been telling myself this week. I am still learning. It’s okay if I have a few hard moments or stumble a little. The trick is not to let myself dwell on the upcoming months and everything they entail… that would be too much to handle without the possibility of spiraling down. down.

Each year, I heal a little more… and learn a little more about taking this journey one small step at a time… And for me, that will be the only way to get through the journey ahead.

Walk through your fears…
~ Linda, October 2013

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with the loneliness of spending the holidays without you loved one? Have you felt abandoned or left behind as the world celebrates in a whirlwind around you? You’re not alone… None of us are! Are you will to share how you came to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Be still and know…

My heart struggles to reconcile itself with what my mind knows is real.
~ Linda, October 24, 2013

Last week I said that grief is a maddening experience. It is. It is a time of struggle and emotional chaos as I try to make sense of something that just doesn’t make sense. Everything I thought I knew is gone. I have to relearn how to live. THAT is maddening… THAT is grief.

Each person experiences this differently and has to find their own way… no two are alike. For me, my grief journey ran parallel to my spiritual journey. But since I only have one life… isn’t it all the same? It isn’t like I can travel two paths at once. I learned rather quickly that I am on one path… it is called “life” and it includes many lessons. It is up to me to explore each one and to bring them all together in a way that makes sense for me. This is MY life… this is MY path. This is how I am learning and growing as I work to bring my heart and mind together to create a spirit of peace and love.

From the very beginning, despite my anger and distrust toward God, a certain verse kept running through my mind. This verse has never had any special significance for me in the past, so I have no logical way to explain why it was there… I won’t even try. I simply believe I needed to hear those words in order to survive.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

I wrote them in my journal. I mulled over them in the quiet moments. They were a constant in the back of my mind. And despite my anger, I couldn’t make them go away. There was something there for me – I felt it. I was looking for comfort… something to bring peace to my soul. I came to believe that the secret was somewhere in these words. It was… but probably not in the way most people might think.

It wasn’t about church or religion. It wasn’t about “do’s” and “don’ts.” It was so much deeper than that.

I grew up in the church, directed church choirs, taught Sunday School and even taught in a parochial school for years. God and religion had always a part of my life. However, many years ago, (before Bruce passed away), I chose to walk away from organized religion and seek my own spiritual path to God. It has been a long road. It’s probably no surprise, but Bruce’s death really tried my faith in so many ways that I almost walked away from my faith completely. But his life, his death and the struggles that followed have led me to a faith that I know without a doubt is completely mine. It is not based on what others tell me to think or do. It is not based on rules. It is much more simple. It is merely a philosophy and a way of living my life with God as my source of energy.

I know it may sound crazy. After all, how can spiritual matters be so simple? But I came to this point by watching Bruce and reflecting on how he lived such a genuine life with no pretense… no games.

You would not find Bruce at church on a Sunday morning. Nope… On Sundays, you could find him sitting in his lounge chair with his coffee and his Sudoku watching Meet the Press. But I have never known anyone to live a life more true to the principles of God, acceptance and unconditional love. He was not a complicated man. He had a sweet, gentle spirit and a simple faith. I watched him place a cross in his pocket each morning and heard him pray every night. Then he just lived what he believed – no sermons or lectures, no push for anyone to think his way. He just lived it. To him, it was that simple.

So back to those words that kept going through my head, “Be still and know that I am God.” I kept trying to figure out what I needed to get out of those words. For a long time after Bruce died, I couldn’t even pray… I was too angry. I didn’t want to be still, and I certainly didn’t want to “hear” anything from God. (I wasn’t interested in anything he might have to say.)

One day, though, while reading one of Bruce’s books on philosophy and spiritualism, it hit me. This verse doesn’t say anything about God talking or me listening. It simply says to be still. It was describing meditation – a practice of sitting quietly, breathing deeply and purposely NOT thinking. It is about clearing your mind; not filling it. It is an age old practice of simply being in that specific moment. Then letting your breath carry you to the next moment and then the next.
That was exactly what I needed… to slow down… to be still. As I started a daily practice of meditation, my anxiety lessened and my peace grew. By learning to be still, both physically and mentally, I learned to reconnect to my God. But this time it is different… it is a connection of spirit and peace. It is not about rules or being good enough… those aren’t even concerns. As Wayne Dyer says, it is about the fact that I am “a spiritual being having a physical experience; not a physical being having a spiritual experience.”

Through those quiet, still moments, I have learned to let go of my anger. I am learning to trust God again. I believe that he is my Source, and this life as we see it, is not all there is. There is more… so much more.

Do I believe everyone thinks this way? Of course not.

Do I think they should? That’s not my call… it is up to each person how they choose to think and live.

However, if you are struggling with grief or loss, meditation may be a simple way to regain a part of your life. It has nothing to do with religion… These practices are a physical exercise like running or walking.

So how will it help? Meditation and deep breathing have been proven scientifically to reduce anxiety and stress. People use it everyday, including performers, therapists, etc. In fact, one of the big quotes making the rounds today is “Just breathe.” Why? Because it is true… it works.

When we suffer the loss of anything important or significant in our lives, (even when we know logically it may be for the best), our anxiety goes up. Physically, it means our blood pressure goes up, our adrenaline goes up and the flow of blood to our brain goes down. Our ability to focus and think rationally decreases. Does this happen to everyone? In varying degrees, the answer appears to be yes.

For me, meditation has been invaluable. It has helped me to regain peace, focus and composure, even on those “bad” days when the grief is more than I think I can bear. All I need to do is breathe… meditate… and just let go.

I have learned to be still and know…

Peace…

 

This is my story but this is our community… the place to share our experiences. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief