holidays – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… The Last Thanksgiving

(Note: This was written prior to Thanksgiving, but since that was on my mind, I am posting as written vs rewording for this “after the holiday” posting.)

I think sometimes it is easy to forget how much we need each other. Yet, for me, I am reminded every single day when I wake up to face the empty side of the bed, how much I love and need the people around me. How important each on is to me… and how short and precious each moment is. I know that the next moment isn’t promised… which also means neither is the next Thanksgiving (or any other holiday).

I love the holidays. I haven’t always been able to say that, and it has definitely taken some time. However, I am learning to love them once again. Don’t misunderstand… holidays are still hard without Bruce, and there will always be a part of me that just wants to hide away. But… I also know that when I make myself push forward and spend time with the people I love, it is good.

This week, as I contemplate the upcoming holiday, I have found myself trying like crazy to remember my and Bruce’s last holiday together. It has taken longer than I thought, but as I get older, I guess those memories either start to run together or are lost somewhere in the recesses of my brain. So, it has taken a few days of racking my brain, but I have finally remembered…

In the years we lived in Michigan, (except for the first year), Bruce and I always spent Thanksgiving with his family. I love those memories – the food, the laughter, the teasing, the games, and (of course) all the love.

By the year 2012, though, we had lived in Florida for a few years and were still trying to figure out how we wanted to build our new holiday traditions down here… away from family. That was the year, we decided to go out to dinner rather than cooking a feast for only two people. I had tried to make a few reservations, but every place I called was full. I was ready to give up, but not Bruce.

One day at work, while listening to the radio, Bruce heard about some restaurant near the airport that still had openings, had great reviews, and would have TVs set up with football playing. LOL! Bruce was sold and came home to let me know we now had reservations.

Also, that year, my youngest daughter was going to be in town (at the parks) with her boyfriend’s family. They already had plans for most of the day, but we decided to all get together for breakfast. Then, they could go have fun in the parks, and we would have plenty of time before our dinner reservations to get hungry again.

Breakfast wasn’t fancy, but it was fun. We laughed and shared stories. Then, when it was over, I struggled… It was hard to say goodbye… I don’t think any of us could get enough hugs to last us until we would see each other again.

Bruce and I, then, spent time at one of the restaurants at Riverwalk – enjoying some wine and beer and (of course) some football. We took turns calling our folks to talk and wish everyone a wonderful holiday. It was very chill and really nice to just sit and enjoy each other. Dinner followed soon after. Then, we were back home getting ready for work the next day.

It wasn’t anything major… It was a pretty quiet holiday… But it was nice, and we were together. We got to see some family and talked to the rest. It wasn’t like before nor was it like the commercials on TV, but it was still nice… It was still us… together… We were content… We were happy.

And… We had no idea it would be our last Thanksgiving together. In my mind, it was just one more Thanksgiving in what was (and would continue to be) a long line of holidays spent together…

Now… this week, as I remember all of that… especially the part where we had no idea that it would be our last Thanksgiving, I know just how precious this time is. I know that four years ago, after spending a year fighting cancer, I had my own doubts about whether or not I would see another Thanksgiving… But I have… And the gift of that time with the people I love has meant the world to me.

I still struggle through the day… I know that on holidays, I tend to self-medicate (bad, I know) and get lost in my emotions. I know that I must work at being social. I know that my mind isn’t always focused on what is happening around me and I have to constantly remind myself to be present. Most of the time, in the past, it has felt like walking in a dream, where everyone else thinks all is well, but somehow I know it’s not… I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s the best way I know to describe it. It’s just plain hard… and I’m still not good at it, but I am learning.

The other part of the holidays is the part leading up to it, which is why I am writing this now versus later… For people who are grieving, it seems like the anticipation of what is about to happen can oftentimes be harder than the actual event itself… Not always – but often. This week, it has been hard to keep myself from spiraling down. To constantly remind myself that I am not alone. That my kids and my family will be there… We will be together, and we will have fun… I can do this… I must do this.

So… Since I am writing this before the holiday, I hope yours is a good one. I pray you are able to focus on the love around you versus the empty seat at your table, because… let’s be honest… None of us knows if there will be another empty chair next year… And if that should happen, I don’t want to regret a holiday wasted on what was instead of what is…

Happy Thanksgiving and may God bless your day and those you love!
______________
All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead (especially the holidays). We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error, and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief… One Day at a Time

When it comes to death and the aftermath of losing someone we love, grief is the word we tend to use the most. According to the dictionary, grief is defined as deep sorrow, usually in response to death. I can’t argue that… It is true. However, this week I realized there is another word that seems to be a little more accurate. It is defined as the complete loss or absence of hope. This time of year, that sounds a little more precise, especially when everything around me is about family and joy. Yet here I am without my other half, and all I seem to feel is… despair.

Most of the time, I feel like I have come such a long way since that awful night years ago. However, lately, I seem to cry whenever I am alone. I still miss him. I would still give anything to have him next to me. Just the two of us snuggled on the couch, gazing at the lights on the tree, and talking about nothing and everything. But… for me… for us, that will never happen again. That is where I fall apart and the despair happens…

“Psalmists failed to capture this kind of despair… I want to dig a hole with my bare hands and stay there in a field and in the damp cold, and tell the world that I am so angry, so sad, so longing, I can hardly breathe.” ~ Sarah Bessey, Out of Sorts

When we were married, I always thought we would live “happily ever after.” We were so right together. How could we not live happily ever after? But that was not our destiny… As it turns out, “happily ever after” is something only found in fairy tales and Disney movies. So now, I find myself wondering how to reconcile my never-ending longing for this man I still love with all my heart with the fact that he is gone, and I am here all alone.

This week as I was reading Sarah Bessey’s book, Out of Sorts, the chapter was about her grief. For me, there was a common language there. I seemed to be able to relate to every word. When she talked about her own grief journey, I kept thinking, “Yes! Exactly! That is where I was… And if I’m honest, sometimes still find myself.”

“At the beginning of my journey…, I was filled with grief for my own small concerns, yes, but also for the world. I had run out of words. And faith. I was grieving in a personal and spiritual way… Silence was akin to prayer for me for a long time. I simply moved through my life with silence in my spirit, waiting on God. I couldn’t pray, but the part of me that had once prayed was waiting. Simply waiting.” ~ Sarah Bessey, Out of Sorts

That was me, too! … And this week, it still is… at least a little bit… Struggling to put my emotions into words, and finally just resorting to a desperate silence. I am trying so hard to enjoy this precious season, and most of the time, I feel like I am enjoying myself. But then, I hear a song or see something that touches my heart and the one person I want to share it with isn’t here. It is more than just grief that follows that realization… That is despair.

I guess I am learning that some years, the holidays are going to be just a little bit harder than other years. Some days are harder than other days. And some moments are harder than other moments. I need to remind myself that it’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to cry. I don’t need to apologize or make excuses to anyone else for what I feel. I simply need give myself permission to take a few deep breaths, feel what I feel for as long as I need before moving on.

“Let yourself grieve. When something ends, it’s worthwhile to notice its passing, to sit in the space and look at the pieces before you head out.” Sarah Bessey, Out of Sorts

This grief journey is not an easy path for any of us… and this time of year, it is just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since he passed. These next few weeks will definitely hold many challenges.

Thankfully, we are not alone… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief… The Struggle is Real

Well, Thanksgiving is over, and it is officially the “Christmas Season.” That phrase fills me with both excitement and dread… This is when the inner struggle between celebration and grief reawakened becomes in-your-face real.

For example, I started playing Christmas music this week. “Alexa, play Christmas music” has probably been the most used command in my house. The music starts, I start humming, and the next thing I know, the tears are filling my eyes and sliding down my cheeks. The idea that I will spend another Christmas with him… Without his smile or hugs… is overwhelmingly sad.

That thought then takes me down another road… The idea that Bruce is no longer able to be a part of this season… He will never again cut down a Christmas tree or place the angel on the top… He won’t hear the music or be a part of our families’ celebrations… That is even more sad.

Now, throw in one more thing… The fact that I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s holidays with my melancholy. So… I smile and pretend that everything is fine. And, if by chance, the subject comes up or someone happens to be near when I have having “a moment”, many times we will struggle through a few moments of awkwardness until we figure out how to handle it. Some people just give me my moment – maybe offering a hug or just sitting with me in silence for a moment or two while I pull it back together.

However, there are also those who just can’t help themselves. They are either too uncomfortable with the grief in that moment, or they believe I have it all wrong. I understand being uncomfortable. I’m not insulted or upset… It is uncomfortable… It is awkward. Trust me. I know… I’m in the middle of it.

However, those who believe they need to fix me or my thinking, frustrate the tar out of me… Logic or Sunday School answers aren’t helpful. They are great at adding more guilt and resentment, but I don’t really think that is the goal. So, then I am left with two choices. 1 – Explain why this thing they are saying isn’t helpful, or 2 – Smile and thank them. Which way I decide completely depends on how well I know them or how many “helpful” phrases I have heard before this one. (Either way, it isn’t a great conversation.)

Here is the bottom line… I not unhappy. Honestly, I’m not. I’m just not always able to be happy.

I want to celebrate.

I want to sing.

I want to laugh.

I want to spend time with family and friends enjoying the holiday and all it entails.

Yet, every time I sing or smile or laugh, it feels like I have forgotten him, if even for just a moment. And I don’t want to do that… I don’t want to forget him… ever… So, this year, I plan to enjoy as much time with loved ones as possible…. I also plan to play his favorite Christmas albums, hang his stocking next to mine, and remember… And if the tears fall… well… I guess, that’s okay too.

Peace, Love and Grief… Handling the Holidays

This is the season when we are all supposed to focus on the blessings in our lives, right? It is a season to be thankful for all the wonderful blessings. Yet, at this time of year, I somehow always find myself struggling. I want to be thankful… In fact, I am thankful. However, I seem to always find myself caught between opposing emotions. I am torn between missing Bruce and not wanting to celebrate the holidays without him (again) and wanting to completely submerge myself into celebrating the holidays with my loved ones and turn my back on the memories of the past… Memories that I wish more than anything were still real.

I remember when this whole journey began… I couldn’t see the blessings… All I could focus on was the fact that Bruce was gone. I really struggled with trying to understand why I was still here, and Bruce wasn’t. I loved him so much. How was I supposed to go on without him? What was the purpose? Did I even have a reason to still be here? Honestly, while I didn’t want to be here, I knew there had to be a reason, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was taking everything I had just to survive that first year… how could God expect anything more of me? How in the world could I find anything to be thankful for?

That first year, I pretty much just ignored the holidays. I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t celebrate anything. Then, in the following years, I found myself celebrating a little bit more each year… Learning to look past what isn’t and trying to focus on what is. It hasn’t been easy, but the love of my family has made it possible. However, I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that there is still a part of me that wants to just sit down and cry when I look and see an empty chair beside me… Where is he? Why isn’t he here with us? It doesn’t matter whose table I am sitting at, or how much laughter and love are surrounding me, that sight seems to always break my heart.

This year, though, I found myself going back to read a letter my father sent last year… A year when we all had to stay apart. This year we will all be together (thankfully). Yet, his words are still a good reminder for me…

“I was just thinking earlier of Thanksgivings and Christmases past and hoping that your day will be one like those: overflowing with warmth and happy pandemonium, wrapped in family and in the love of family, and conscious of all that you (and we) have been given. Amid all the things we allow to bother us, there’s much to be thankful for, isn’t there? Much more of blessings than of burdens; much more of hope than of discouragement; much more of love than of whatever exists in the absence of love. (I honestly don’t know what that would be; I’ve only known love.) Look around you at the faces you love. You’re looking at an inventory of unspeakable blessing; take the opportunity and let it fill your heart, and then you’ll be ready to give thanks to the Source of all that blessing.”

I will be mulling over these words over the next few weeks, holding them close to my heart and letting them soak in… basking in the love and courage they express… Building my own strength, by listening to his words of faith as a reminder of all the blessings – past and present – that make up my life.

Our God truly is a good God… And I known I have been blessed. So, I thank you, God, for not only giving me a season to be thankful, but for the faith of those I love who remind me of all the many blessings I have to be thankful for!

This can be a tough season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be thankful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you and each other.

It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and that we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… And Just Like That, It’s Halloween Again

I can’t believe it is already Halloween… again! My goodness! Where does the time go? Throughout my life – while growing up, when my children were little, and while Bruce was alive, Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. However, the season always seemed to start WAY before December… In a way, Halloween has always marked the beginning of an entire season of fun – A time filled with holidays and big events with Christmas being the climax.

To this day, I am so very thankful for the last holiday season that Bruce and I shared. The memories from that year are so very precious now. Although at the time, it just seemed like another holiday season. With Halloween falling this weekend, I am reminded again, just how precious our time with our loved ones really is…

Until Bruce died, I never really thought of Halloween as a holiday with special memories, but I was wrong… As I look back, over the years I can find so many small things that still make me smile….

For example, when we lived in Michigan, there were no Trick or Treaters. We lived in a second-floor condo which required a code for entrance. There were no children in the building except my (then) teenage daughter and no way for anyone to enter. So, no one knocked on our door yelling, “Trick or Treat.” We didn’t buy candy, and other than the shenanigans at work, it was just another day.

Then when we moved to Florida, we decided to live in an apartment for the first year until we got our bearings. With the exception of my (then) toddler grandson dressed as a pirate and one group of teenagers (who knocked on our door at 10 PM) no one came. Again, other than the shenanigans at work, it was pretty much just another day.

Then, we moved to the house where I live now…

I knew there were a lot of children in the neighborhood, so I bought three of those huge bags of candy and tried to prep Bruce for what was probably coming. For him, it had been well over a decade since he had answered a door on Halloween to pass out candy. At the time, though, all he heard was “candy.” As soon as he realized I had hidden it somewhere in the house, it was “game on”… He went on a hunt despite my saying that it was for Halloween – not him.

I will always remember the Cheshire Cat grin on his face as he walked back into the kitchen with a handful of chocolate. He had found the entire stash in the third place he looked. I couldn’t figure out how in the world he had found it so flippin’ fast! According to him, the fact that I am so short narrowed the hiding places down by more than half. Then, he just thought of where there might be enough space for three huge bags… All I can tell you is that by Halloween, I had to replace more than one of those silly bags.

On Halloween, he grouched every time the doorbell rang, and I laughed and poked fun at him for being a crabby, old man… The next year, our last Halloween together, was different, though. He was actually excited about the night and loved answering the door. I stood back and watched him as he talked to all the kids (even the teenagers). He even found a mask he had bought years before and tried to scare a few poor souls. It was such a fun night, and we both fell into bed laughing at the end of it.

Now looking back, I don’t know if he was just trying to enjoy Halloween or if he knew what was coming and wanted to leave me with some fun memories… Either way, that night warms my heart.

The next year was my first year without Bruce quickly, and the day became a challenge that I wasn’t expecting. To my mind, Halloween is a kid’s holiday. It really isn’t about adults or family memories… And to be honest, we had only had one really fun Halloween together. However, that first year showed me that Halloween would come to mark the start of what is generally a few rough months for me emotionally…

Journal: 10/31/2013
(morning)
“The first of the holidays – this one always feels like the “kick-off” for the holiday season. I don’t really feel like celebrating but I did buy candy. I woke up this morning, and I just feel pissed. I don’t think this will be a good day… not really looking forward to it – don’t really feel like festivities or anything like it.“

(night)
“Halloween without you, Babe! Too hard!! I miss you!! I keep thinking about you answering the door last year and all the fun. This year is hard, though. I am listening to Jimmy Buffet and wishing you were here… Six kids so far and I am crying. Maybe I should just turn out the light and call it a night.
So sad… just so very sad… What is – is. Nothing I do will ever change it. I feel like I shouldn’t be here, but I am… maybe one day I will understand why I am still here.”

Then, years later, I spent Halloween with my daughter and grandson.

Journal: 11/1/2015
“Hi Babe… This weekend was really good for me. I couldn’t be with you, but I was with people I love. I’m sure you would guess that we stayed very busy. You would have loved watching our grandson… he is more excited about his costume and handing out the candy, than actually going door to door to get any (which just cracks me up.) Afterward, there was an impromptu party back at the house. It was wonderful chaos – the house was filled with very tired but laughing adults and kids too excited to settle down.
Saturday included an Octoberfest at their school/church. You would have loved it – German food and beer. I only teared up once… when the kids performed their Fall music program. I know you were there… I know you were watching… but I still wish I could have seen your face. You and your little “Beaudroux” had such a close connection, I know you would have been beaming with pride.
The night ended with a dinner party at a friend’s house. It was fun, and they made me feel so welcome. I can’t say I like it, but I am getting (more) used to going to parties without you by my side…
It wasn’t until the wee, dark hours of the night when I was actually alone with my thoughts that the tears fell. My emotions were a little bit of melancholy, sadness, loneliness and (believe it or not)… guilt. I miss you, Babe. I still managed to have fun but then I feel guilty about that. Crazy, I know, but that is what I felt. I wonder if that is normal?“

Through the years, I have gotten stronger. While these next few months are still difficult ones for me, I have definitely gotten better at taking it one day… one moment at a time. I am better at enjoying the time with friends and family and cherishing the memories we are making together. I have also learned to give myself some grace… I have learned that it’s okay to feel what I feel… It’s okay to grieve the fact that my heart is broken because Bruce isn’t here to share any part of this anymore.

How we handle the big days can vary year to year, moment to moment. Sometimes we manage these better than other times… We’re only human, and this is a tough journey. What about you? How do you manage your big days? This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all. Honestly, none of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, (one holiday to the next), when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone. We are here for each other and, it is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Things I Miss…

Throughout this season the memories seem to come fast and furious. Each tradition… each decoration holds a memory. While at the same time, we are busy creating new ones. I become nostalgic when those memories are from my own childhood. My kids and I often find ourselves laughing at some of the memories from their childhood. When the memories involve Bruce, I find myself missing him and wishing he were here. And the funny thing is most of the time these are all happening at once.

For example,…

I can remember my grandfather stuffing everyone into his car and driving us downtown to see all the lights. When my kids were little, I kept this tradition… Every Christmas Eve, I loaded all the kids into the car, and off we went to see the neighborhood lights. When Bruce and I got married, he knew right away how much I love Christmas lights. (Mainly because I don’t hide it very well.) I remember how excited he was that first year when he continued the tradition and took me to one of those huge drive-through light displays. In fact, we went every year, even when we moved here to Florida.

To this day, that is still one of my favorite traditions… In fact, the other day on our way home from dinner, my daughter took a short detour. Suddenly, there we were driving around looking at lights. It was wonderful… and at the same time, I just kept wishing Bruce were there, too…

Decorating the tree is another one… As a kid, I used to love decorating the tree. My parents always waited until mid-December, and by that time, my excitement level was over the top. With my own kids, we always bought our tree the weekend after Thanksgiving, and started decorating it right away. Each of the kids had their own “special” decorations that they loved to put on the tree, so it was a process… But it was a fun process.

When Bruce and I got married, he added another tradition… We didn’t just buy a tree. According to his family tradition, we went to a tree farm where the youngest child picked the tree. That first year it was my youngest who got to do honors. Then, Bruce laid on his belly in the snow and cut it down. (Just thinking about that day, makes my heart warm.)

Eventually, it was just the two of us, so we changed it up a bit. Since we had met at Christmas time in the tropics, we decided to change out the fir tree for a palm tree. This new tradition was original, and it was perfectly “us.” Every year, even since he died, that palm tree has been strung up with lights… And it makes me smile.

Now, there a is child in the house again. So, we are back to the huge fir tree with all the decorations from when my kids were little, plus all the new ones collected through the last few years. It is overloaded, and it is beautiful. I love how it smells. I love the lights. I love the decorations and the stories they hold. I love all of it… and at the same time, I just keep wishing Bruce were here to love it, too…

Then, there is the music… I love Christmas music! I have sung in choirs since I was about three years old, and Christmas time always meant special songs and special performances… As a child, I loved the white robes with the huge red bows, as much as the Nativity costumes where I inevitably was dressed as an angel complete with halo and wings.

As an adult, I also directed choirs, so there was a whole new excitement and preparation for the season. (Actually, I think I just enjoyed the excuse to start listening and singing Christmas music much earlier than would otherwise be acceptable.) Either way, through the years, Christmas became synonymous with Christmas music – there was never one without the other. Christmas always meant rehearsals and concerts… Music seemed to fill every extra minute (if there even is such a thing) during this season.

After Bruce and I were married, even he learned to love the Christmas music… His favorites were the Charlie Brown Soundtrack and the John Denver and Muppets Christmas Album. I used to love coming home to find one of those playing on the stereo, and him humming along as he cooked… It was simply perfect!

After he died, I stopped singing… I just couldn’t do it anymore. It took a couple of years before I could sing again… And it was Christmas music that re-ignited my heart and my voice. For the first few years, I hadn’t been able to even listen to it. Then one year, as I was driving, John Denver and the Muppets singing The Twelve Days of Christmas came on the radio. Without even thinking about it, I found myself singing along… and smiling. It seemed that while I had lost my passion to sing when he died, somehow, here he was giving that gift back to me years later.

This year, I am simply humming… Due damage to my vocal folds from the radiation treatments years ago, I can no longer sing. I can hum though! So, even now, Christmas music is playing just about 24/7… and I am humming along with every song, while my grandson, (who now knows all the words), sings along. I love it! It makes me smile all day long… and at the same time, I just keep wishing Bruce were here, too…

I love this season. I love everything about it…. I simply wish Bruce were here to share it… Just one more time… Just one more season… Because that is what I miss most – sharing all the things I love about this season with him.

This can be a hard, confusing, emotional season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. It changes how we experience the holidays. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be joyful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What are the things you miss most about the way you shared this season with your loved one? Have you had to make any changes in order to navigate this season? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Holidays

As the holidays draw closer and closer… I find myself in a quandary trying to figure out how to take the next step…

“Hey Babe!
Such a week! The holidays can be so much fun… and yet, still so hard… like an emotional roller coaster. Some days, I literally bask in all the family, holiday craziness. It is so fun to share this season with the people I love and to see Christmas through the eyes of my grandson, who is finally old enough to recognize our family traditions and truly help (not “help”) with the decorations. I love it! It makes my heart so joyful!

We have Christmas music playing from the minute we wake up until we finally go to bed at night. And even though I am no longer able to sing (vocal cord damage from the cancer treatments years ago), I still try to hum along as best I can. We haven’t managed to get the tree up yet, but we will… Besides, the family time has been the best!

Then, the next thing you know, it happens. I find myself thinking about you, Babe… and that first Christmas… I remember decorating the condo while you were at work. I was so excited. I couldn’t wait for you to come home… But when you walked in, you literally stopped in your tracks and just stared. No words… no expression on your face.

“Oh no!” I thought. “I’ve ‘messed up’” …. I was so scared you hated it! But then, you got the biggest grin! I remember you hugging me so tight and saying something like, “This absolutely feels like Christmas! I think these are the best Christmas decorations I have ever seen. Thank you! Thank you for bringing the joy of Christmas back into my world!”

… At this point, I cry… I cry because now my joy is gone…

Then, I look around at our current situation and think, “You would love this! You would be so excited to watch our grandson and share all that this season has to offer with this precious boy.”

And if I am going to be honest (which I am), there also have been a few times this week when I have been angry… very angry… I am almost ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I am so mad at you, Babe. You died too soon! And you left me here… alone… And honestly… that pisses me off sometimes! My heart breaks! You were too young! It was too soon! We didn’t have enough time! … And sometimes, I don’t think I will ever get used to this.

Life without you is hard… And the holidays without you is even harder. I don’t know why it was decided that this was our path. It still feels so wrong… Our love was so complete, and our time was too short. So many nights this week have ended with me sitting in the middle of our room – crying and wondering why... And knowing there will never be an answer to that question.

But… life goes on… This season still has a few more weeks. I know there will be more triggers, more memories, and more emotions. That means there will be more joy… and more tears. But for now, I will try to feel you next to me… experiencing all these precious moments with us.

I miss you, Babe, and I love you… Always and forever!”

If you’re like me and missing someone this Christmas, this song is dedicated to you…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yFXfAGl17M&list=RDQMD96WatA2lck&ab_channel=ThePianoGuys

This can be a hard, confusing, emotional season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. It changes how we experience the holidays. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be joyful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A Season to be Thankful

This is the season when we all focus on the blessings in our lives, right? It is a season to be thankful for all those blessings. Yet, at this time of year, I somehow always find myself struggling. I want to be thankful… In fact, I am thankful. However, I seem to always find myself caught between emotions. I am torn between missing Bruce and not wanting to celebrate the holidays without him (again), and wanting to completely submerge myself into celebrating the holidays with my loved ones and turn my back on the memories of the past… Memories that I wish more than anything were real right now.

This year, my grandson was supposed to spend Thanksgiving with his father. Because we didn’t feel safe putting him on a plane with the pandemic, we chose to meet halfway. For our little family, we made the decision to rent a small house on the river there for the week, rather than drive back and forth (and back and forth). It has been a lovely little place, quiet and peaceful, with a dock, kayaks, and fishing. It is also the town where Bruce’s parents used to live. So, for me, there are a lot of sweet, sweet memories here.

From the minute we drove into town, I felt my heart smiling. This has been such a special week as we have visited every spot where Bruce and I used to hang out whenever we were here. What a blessing to be here!

Still, at the same time, there is a part of me that wants to just sit down and cry… Where is he? Why isn’t he here with us? Even at a strange table, there is an empty chair beside me that breaks my heart…

Then, as fate would have it, my father sent me an email… Because of the virus, he and my mother are spending the holiday alone… as are most of us. I hate it… Part of what gets me through this season is being surrounded by family – focusing on the people I love. While I know he was speaking from his own heart, his words spoke to my own, as well…

“I was just thinking earlier of Thanksgivings and Christmases past, and hoping that your day will be one like those: overflowing with warmth and happy pandemonium, wrapped in family and in the love of family, and conscious of all that you (and we) have been given. Amid all the things we allow to bother us, there’s much to be thankful for, isn’t there? Much more of blessings than of burdens; much more of hope than of discouragement; much more of love than of whatever exists in the absence of love. (I honestly don’t know what that would be; I’ve only known love.)

Look around you at the faces you love. You’re looking at an inventory of unspeakable blessing; take the opportunity and let it fill your heart, and then you’ll be ready to give thanks to the Source of all that blessing.

In our hearts we’ll be doing that same thing. We do it often, anyway. And don’t read anything into this email except joy. Life brings changes, but they’re not as bad as the world would have you believe. I honestly believe the changes just help us to get our priorities straight. ‘There is a season for everything under heaven,’ and our time — our age, frankly — is a good time for getting priorities straight. Our day will be as happy and as joyous… and as thankful as yours. Quieter, perhaps, but happy. All of the blessings of years past are still ours, in memory and in fact, so we have much to be thankful for — grateful for — too.” ~ My dad

I have pondered these words several times this week and let them simply soak in… basking in the love and courage they express… Finding my own strength, by listening to his words of faith as a reminder of all the blessings – past and present – that make up my life.

Our God truly is a good God… And I have been blessed. So, I thank you, God, for not only giving me a season to be thankful, but for the faith of those I love who remind me of all the many blessings I have to be thankful for!

This can be a tough season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be thankful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Makin’ It Through the Holidays

“I miss you” … I think this has been my mantra for the past couple of weeks. Don’t misunderstand – I have smiled and laughed. I have enjoyed my time with my kids. I have loved cooking and decorating and shopping and playing Christmas music… I have loved all of it… But… I miss him…

With every dish I cook, I think about whether or not it was one he liked, and how many times we debated whether or not the sweet potato casserole with brown sugar and pecans on top counted as a vegetable (me) or a dessert (him). We never agreed but laughed every time!

With every ornament, I am reminded of our first Christmas together when he pulled out his one box of decorations… and I pulled out 18 boxes. Our tiny little condo was over-stuffed with Christmas. I thought he wouldn’t like it, but instead he grinned from ear to ear and said it truly felt like Christmas for the first time in a very long time.

With every shopping trip, I find myself looking for him and thinking about the gifts we gave each other over the years. There were years when we gave each other “traveling adventures” to new places… And other years when we were content to just have the gift of being together.

And… With every Christmas song played… I either laugh and sing because he loved the music as much as I did (or he pretended to) … or I cry, because each song seems to remind me of him and of some precious memory together.

And to be honest… all of this reminds me that another year has passed… He is still gone… And once again, I am spending another Christmas without him…

So, what do I do? … Well, for the last few days, I have cried… a lot. I seem to wake up crying. Then, I cry in the shower. I cry as I drive to and from work. And I cry when I crawl into bed at night.

I know it seems ridiculous… Emotionally, I have really come so far (or so I thought). But everywhere I look, I see and experience things that I want to share with Bruce… But he isn’t here… And so, I am reminded over and over again that he is gone… and I am alone.

To add to all this, there have been several conversations around me lately that have caught me a little off guard. There was one conversation amongst my friends, where they were discussing what they would do if their spouse died. Would they remarry? Would they date? How would they live their lives? Each of them with a firm opinion.

Now, first of all, this conversation was not about me in any way. It started as a conversation about someone else’s loss. But they went on and on for (what felt like) quite a while, talking about what they would do… or not do. I listened but didn’t add anything.

What could I say? None of them knew me when I was married to Bruce so many years ago, and they were completely oblivious to the fact that I had (and was still) dealing with this exact scenario.

Truthfully, I wasn’t offended, and I did contemplate saying something… I wanted to tell them that no one has any idea how they will respond to the loss of a spouse until it actually happens to them. However, I didn’t… for a few reasons.

First, it would have fallen on deaf ears. After all, most of us are pretty sure we know how we would respond to someone else’s circumstances. It is normal, and as many times as we learn the lesson that this is wrong, we all still seem to do it.

Second, it would have created a very awkward, sudden stop to the conversation. I experienced a lot of this during the first few years after Bruce died. I couldn’t seem to control my mouth and would throw my two cents worth into these conversations. I’ll just say that I found it does some damage… It creates a wall, and just isn’t worth it, not in my book anyway….

And finally… Who am I to judge or correct? After all, before Bruce died, I thought many of the same things they were saying.

So, I sat and half-listened… I felt a little bit rude, but I couldn’t fully engage, because I was struggling to control my emotions… They wanted to say what they thought, and I needed to control what I knew.

There have been several of these types of conversations lately, and I could go on and on explaining each one. But why? They all carry a similar theme – people contemplating how they would live their life as a widow(er) – a topic which they really know nothing about… So, what do I do?

Well there are two sides to this… One is the quick – let it go… Which I have learned to do a lot of over the years. After all, contemplating what you would do in a situation you have never encountered is just human nature. What do I know? I only know what I have done, not what anyone else might do.

“Learn to be okay with people not knowing your side of the story.
You have nothing to prove to anyone.”
~ Unknown

And the other part of the answer came this week in the form of a 10-year-old boy – my grandson…

As we were driving home earlier this week, he was telling me about his day at school and all the 4th grade “news of the day.” At one point, it dawned on me… He had originally said it was a great day, but in his tales, he was really focusing on a lot of negatives.

At one point, he even said, “Do you know what really bugs me? It’s when someone…” And he went on in great detail about what bugs him.

“Did that happen to you today?” I asked. “Did someone do that to you?”

“No,” he said, “but I hate it when it does happen.”

“Well, baby,” I said, “It sounds like you are looking for things to be upset about. Everything you have shared is negative… It sounds like you are focusing on the wrong things.”

Then it dawned on me… So am I… For the past few weeks, consciously or not, I have been focusing on all sad things – all the things I am doing without Bruce.

Last year, I was so happy to be alive… I missed Bruce, but I was so happy to be with my family and to be healthy again, that was my focus. But this year I have somehow fallen into the old trap of focusing on what is missing and what was… not on all the blessing and what is. While I would like to deny it, I have looked for things to be offended about in conversations, rather than chalking it up to human nature and not knowing any better… and then letting it go.

Now what? well… I am resolved to take my own advice. My goal is to look for the blessings and to see the joy in each day… Yes, Bruce is gone, and it’s okay to grieve that. But I am still here… surrounded by family and friends who love me… Maybe it’s a good thing that they just see me as me (not as the perpetual widow), and they love me and support me just for being me…
I am blessed beyond words, and this is a season of joy… and that is to be my focus going forward this season.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle the holidays? Do you find memories around every corner? Do you struggle to focus on the positives around you, too? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Some things still hurt…

I have put off writing this week until the last minute… Mainly because every time I start thinking about what to write, I can feel the tears start in the back of my eyes. And to be honest, I don’t want to cry. Things in my life aren’t just good, they are pretty great!

In just a few short weeks, three of my four kids will be living within two hours, something I never thought would happen in this lifetime. Also, my grandson will be with us for Thanksgiving this year. So, we are planning a family gathering with as many of us as can drive this far. In other words, God is good, and I know I am blessed beyond understanding!!

Since this will be our family’s only holiday gathering, we are setting up all the Christmas decorations. (Yes, it is crazy early, but Thanksgiving will also be our Christmas, so this is what we do.) Yesterday, I unpacked several (about six) bins of Christmas decorations (with Christmas music playing, of course). Today, I will unload about the same again, and my grandson is filled with excitement writing and talking about his Christmas Wish List.

… But me? I’m just not feeling it… All I keep thinking about is another holiday season without Bruce…

Throughout my life I have joked about things I “wouldn’t wish on anyone.” For instance, when my second daughter suffered from colic as an infant, or when my son went through his “let-me-take-everything-I-touch-apart” phase. I knew these were phases… I knew there would be an end… In the moment, they were difficult, and it was hard to remember there would be a light at the end of the tunnel.

However, grief is one of those things I really wouldn’t wish on anyone… Not only is it difficult, there is no light at the end of the tunnel… Your loved one is not coming back… This is not “just a phase.” Instead, there is just the tunnel, and sometimes the darkness in that tunnel is all-enveloping… And the holidays can bring it out, when you least expect it.

Last year, I had just finished all my cancer treatments, and I was so tired and relieved to be done. I was excited to be alive and celebrating another holiday with my family. I had my moments of sadness, but nothing close to what I have felt this weekend.

Before Bruce died, the days from October 31 through January 12 were my favorites and filled with celebrations. Now, however, they have proven to be the hardest days of the year for me. During this time, there are a lot of important dates filled with so many precious memories.

It is a season where time moves forward whether I am ready or not… As time moves on, I go from one holiday or momentous occasion to another… Some days, it feels I am being knocked to the ground and before I can get back on my feet, I am knocked down again.

It starts with Halloween, when years ago, Bruce insisted on buying our grandson his first pumpkin. He also got the biggest kick out of answering the door – playing with the young ones and trying to scare the older ones. Following that comes our wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, the anniversary of the day we met, Christmas, New Year’s Eve/day and the anniversary of Bruce’s death – all in close succession.

I know to brace myself, because before I can catch my breath from one event, the next one is upon me. If I am honest, all I really want to do is crawl in bed, pull the covers over my head and wait for the next 2.5 months to pass… but I don’t have that option.

Not only does life move on, but there are other people in my life and in this house… and these are their holidays too. Plus, one of those people is a child. I do not want him to ever associate this time of year with tears or sadness… I want him to remember this as a time for making precious memories… a time of family… and love… and laughter.

Over time, I have learned to take a deep breath, draw on my strength (my God), and try to avoid bringing on those uncontrollable tears. Don’t get me wrong, I do allow myself the time to cry, but I try to hold that for when I am alone. It has taken years to get to this point, which I guess, is why I am so frustrated with myself this weekend.

This week I came home from my surgery/healing and went back to work. However, it was also the start of “the season.” I not only managed to get through Halloween on Thursday, it was actually a lot of fun. But I think my issue this weekend is our anniversary facing me next weekend… It probably sounds silly, but it is a day I thought we would celebrate together for many years to come…

Don’t get me wrong, my family is wonderful and will celebrate the day with me. However, I guess it is just hard to let go of still wanting it to be Bruce and I. Plus, I think I wasn’t quite as prepared as I thought I was to throw the Christmas season into the mix… I think I have just felt a little overwhelmed.

Perhaps it sounds silly, but until you are on this path (a path I wouldn’t wish for anyone), it is hard to imagine how hard it is to find your soulmate and then to lose them without any warning. Then, once you are here, it is hard to imagine celebrating without this person by your side (where you are sure they belong).

I know it has been years… I know those around me love me and support me at every turn… And while I try to keep the grief under wraps, it’s not as easy as one might think… I’ve gotten better through the years, but the bottom line is – I still love him… I miss him… and I still hurt…

Yet… I look into the eyes of this little boy in the next room, and I am reminded there is still a lot to celebrate this year… And there is a lot of love left in this heart of mine to give away…

What about you? Do you struggle with certain times of the year? How do you deal with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief