As the holidays draw closer and closer… I find myself in a quandary trying to figure out how to take the next step…
“Hey Babe!
Such a week! The holidays can be so much fun… and yet, still so hard… like an emotional roller coaster. Some days, I literally bask in all the family, holiday craziness. It is so fun to share this season with the people I love and to see Christmas through the eyes of my grandson, who is finally old enough to recognize our family traditions and truly help (not “help”) with the decorations. I love it! It makes my heart so joyful!
We have Christmas music playing from the minute we wake up until we finally go to bed at night. And even though I am no longer able to sing (vocal cord damage from the cancer treatments years ago), I still try to hum along as best I can. We haven’t managed to get the tree up yet, but we will… Besides, the family time has been the best!
Then, the next thing you know, it happens. I find myself thinking about you, Babe… and that first Christmas… I remember decorating the condo while you were at work. I was so excited. I couldn’t wait for you to come home… But when you walked in, you literally stopped in your tracks and just stared. No words… no expression on your face.
“Oh no!” I thought. “I’ve ‘messed up’” …. I was so scared you hated it! But then, you got the biggest grin! I remember you hugging me so tight and saying something like, “This absolutely feels like Christmas! I think these are the best Christmas decorations I have ever seen. Thank you! Thank you for bringing the joy of Christmas back into my world!”
… At this point, I cry… I cry because now my joy is gone…
Then, I look around at our current situation and think, “You would love this! You would be so excited to watch our grandson and share all that this season has to offer with this precious boy.”
And if I am going to be honest (which I am), there also have been a few times this week when I have been angry… very angry… I am almost ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I am so mad at you, Babe. You died too soon! And you left me here… alone… And honestly… that pisses me off sometimes! My heart breaks! You were too young! It was too soon! We didn’t have enough time! … And sometimes, I don’t think I will ever get used to this.
Life without you is hard… And the holidays without you is even harder. I don’t know why it was decided that this was our path. It still feels so wrong… Our love was so complete, and our time was too short. So many nights this week have ended with me sitting in the middle of our room – crying and wondering why... And knowing there will never be an answer to that question.
But… life goes on… This season still has a few more weeks. I know there will be more triggers, more memories, and more emotions. That means there will be more joy… and more tears. But for now, I will try to feel you next to me… experiencing all these precious moments with us.
I miss you, Babe, and I love you… Always and forever!”
If you’re like me and missing someone this Christmas, this song is dedicated to you…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yFXfAGl17M&list=RDQMD96WatA2lck&ab_channel=ThePianoGuys
This can be a hard, confusing, emotional season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. It changes how we experience the holidays. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be joyful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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