Month: November 2020

Peace, Love and Grief… A Season to be Thankful

This is the season when we all focus on the blessings in our lives, right? It is a season to be thankful for all those blessings. Yet, at this time of year, I somehow always find myself struggling. I want to be thankful… In fact, I am thankful. However, I seem to always find myself caught between emotions. I am torn between missing Bruce and not wanting to celebrate the holidays without him (again), and wanting to completely submerge myself into celebrating the holidays with my loved ones and turn my back on the memories of the past… Memories that I wish more than anything were real right now.

This year, my grandson was supposed to spend Thanksgiving with his father. Because we didn’t feel safe putting him on a plane with the pandemic, we chose to meet halfway. For our little family, we made the decision to rent a small house on the river there for the week, rather than drive back and forth (and back and forth). It has been a lovely little place, quiet and peaceful, with a dock, kayaks, and fishing. It is also the town where Bruce’s parents used to live. So, for me, there are a lot of sweet, sweet memories here.

From the minute we drove into town, I felt my heart smiling. This has been such a special week as we have visited every spot where Bruce and I used to hang out whenever we were here. What a blessing to be here!

Still, at the same time, there is a part of me that wants to just sit down and cry… Where is he? Why isn’t he here with us? Even at a strange table, there is an empty chair beside me that breaks my heart…

Then, as fate would have it, my father sent me an email… Because of the virus, he and my mother are spending the holiday alone… as are most of us. I hate it… Part of what gets me through this season is being surrounded by family – focusing on the people I love. While I know he was speaking from his own heart, his words spoke to my own, as well…

“I was just thinking earlier of Thanksgivings and Christmases past, and hoping that your day will be one like those: overflowing with warmth and happy pandemonium, wrapped in family and in the love of family, and conscious of all that you (and we) have been given. Amid all the things we allow to bother us, there’s much to be thankful for, isn’t there? Much more of blessings than of burdens; much more of hope than of discouragement; much more of love than of whatever exists in the absence of love. (I honestly don’t know what that would be; I’ve only known love.)

Look around you at the faces you love. You’re looking at an inventory of unspeakable blessing; take the opportunity and let it fill your heart, and then you’ll be ready to give thanks to the Source of all that blessing.

In our hearts we’ll be doing that same thing. We do it often, anyway. And don’t read anything into this email except joy. Life brings changes, but they’re not as bad as the world would have you believe. I honestly believe the changes just help us to get our priorities straight. ‘There is a season for everything under heaven,’ and our time — our age, frankly — is a good time for getting priorities straight. Our day will be as happy and as joyous… and as thankful as yours. Quieter, perhaps, but happy. All of the blessings of years past are still ours, in memory and in fact, so we have much to be thankful for — grateful for — too.” ~ My dad

I have pondered these words several times this week and let them simply soak in… basking in the love and courage they express… Finding my own strength, by listening to his words of faith as a reminder of all the blessings – past and present – that make up my life.

Our God truly is a good God… And I have been blessed. So, I thank you, God, for not only giving me a season to be thankful, but for the faith of those I love who remind me of all the many blessings I have to be thankful for!

This can be a tough season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be thankful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Changes

Changes… Lots of changes… I sometimes think might be one of the hardest parts of losing someone you love… all of the unending changes. It seems like every time I feel as I am getting steady on my feet again, I find one more thing in my life that has or is changing. And, yes, I know that is life in general, but this is different… These are changes that seem to have a direct connection back to Bruce and the reality of losing this man I love so very much.

Some things that have changed are things I expected, such as the empty chair at the table, or only my car in the driveway. Those were the concrete reminders of life without Bruce. However, there have been other changes, less visible yet much more profound.

I think two of the biggest areas of change for me are my own personality and, as a direct result, many of my relationships…

While I have heard it before, over the last few weeks, I have read several articles about the impact of traumatic events, and how they change us. I know it’s true… I have no doubt, because in my experience, after 23 years in a chaotic marriage, the change was huge. I had gone from being a confident (and probably a little bit stubborn) person before the marriage to being someone who struggled with trust and had absolutely no self-confidence by the end. It took years of counseling, patience, and tons of unconditional love to move through the debris that had been left of in the wake of that trauma.

But in my mind, the worst was over. I wasn’t a victim; I was a survivor! I had mustered up the courage I needed one last time and left. I had made changes. And with Bruce in my corner, I had once again found that self-confidence from years ago.

But then, just as quickly as he had come into my life, he was gone, and my world went black… Forget being confident… Forget anything… I struggled with the mere thought of simply taking my next breath.

All my life
I knew you were missing.
Then, like a miracle
You were there.
And,
Just as suddenly,
You were gone.
My soul cries…
~ Linda, October 2020

Talk about a traumatic event… It has been almost eight years, and it still brings tears to my eyes several times a week. It’s funny… I like to think I am “back to normal”, but sometimes things happen, and I realize “back to normal” may be an impossible destination for me.

The other day, this came to my attention when a friend made a simple comment… not one meant to hurt… not one said with any type of animosity… Simply a comment made as a matter of course… A simply stated fact.

There were several of us women talking, although I can’t honestly tell you what the conversation was about. I remember saying something to the effect of “… Losing Bruce was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.” To which my friend gently touched my arm and simply said, “I know… It really changed you.” And the conversation moved on.

I’ve thought about that a lot since then. She’s right… I am not the same person I was eight years ago. I think I’m more quiet… more introverted… and probably more serious… I have to push myself in social situations, because many times, I would be just as content not to be there in the first place. But I am there, because I want to show the same love and acceptance to others that has been shown to me… So I go, and I push myself past my comfort zone.

As I think about where I was, where I am and my friend’s comment, I realize that if I’m honest, I think there have been other friends through the years who have tried to say the same thing. I think sometimes, not often, it has been said in the hopes that I will “fix” myself and go back to being the person they used to know “before”. However, I think most of the time it is said as a simple acceptance of who I am now… an acceptance that this was a traumatic event in my life which changed parts of my soul… parts that will likely never be the same. Yet, there is no pressure. They love me (period). They accept me as I am – bruises, changes, and all.

So, thank you! Thank you to all those wonderful people in my life who have stood firm by my side and loved me… I don’t think I would have ever been able to smile and laugh again, if it weren’t for you. I hope you know how much I love you all, and I am eternally grateful for your friendship, acceptance, and love.

If you have ever experienced a severe loss and deep grief, then you probably already know that traumatic events do change who we are. These are big events that change how we look at life and the world around us. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Have I Told You Lately?

“Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one above you
Fill, fill, fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that’s what you do”
~ Van Morrison

I love that song… My favorite version, the one that makes me smile and cry at the same time, was performed by Rod Stewart on his 1993 Unplugged and Seated album. I can’t tell you how many days I walked in the door after a long day, only to be greeted by Bruce with a glass of wine and this song playing on the stereo. He would smile, take me in his arms, and as we danced there in the kitchen, he would whisper those lyrics in my ear. My heart stops every time I remember those precious moments.

Precious moments… That is what has filled my mind this week.

Our 15th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. However, because I have had some time alone, I have been celebrating all weekend. Nothing big or crazy this year. I didn’t buy myself a gift, although I did buy some roses for the table. Mainly, because I know he would have done that… He always did.

I didn’t even take a sunrise walk on the beach this year. Honestly, I was awake in time, but instead, I wanted to just lie in our bed… in our room… and think about him… and us. There was just something about the warmth and security of our bed, that just held me there… longer than normal.

I did go for a long walk later in the afternoon. The tide was high and rough, so negotiating the shore was a struggle… But definitely worth every step. That is my happy place… The space where I can almost feel Bruce next to me. The space where I can talk to him out loud, and since no one else can hear me over the roar of the ocean, it feels so freeing. And there is something about knowing that his ashes were scattered out there that makes it such a precious space for me.

I didn’t go to our special restaurant this year. Things are too crazy in public, especially this weekend. There are people who are celebrating, and people who are angry. I definitely have my own opinions, but not this weekend. I just don’t want to get into the middle of something… Not this weekend, anyway. So, I had a steak dinner last night here at home… in our home… complete with champagne and dessert… and dancing along with a Jimmy Buffet concert playing on the TV.

Today, I have been listening to the music we used to enjoy and just thinking about us… Reading cards and emails we sent each other through the years. Honestly, I think this has been the best part of my weekend. I have smiled… and cried as I spend this day simply thinking about him… and us…

I remember meeting Bruce on a sailing schooner in the Virgin Islands, and my life changed forever…

I remember the two of us flying back and forth every three weeks between Michigan and South Carolina, falling more in love with every trip…

I remember when we finally decided we couldn’t do that anymore, and life changed my circumstances to make the “forever” decision even easier…

I remember moving to Michigan one autumn day and marrying this wonderful man a few days later…

I remember years of learning about each other and our love growing stronger day by day… year by year.

I remember moving to Florida, and how excited we were to embark on this new adventure… together.

I remember when we finally bought this little place on the coast – a place that was truly and completely ours…

I remember so many days in between all of these… Days filled with love… Days filled with adventure… Days filled with frustration and growth… Days filled with life… our life.

I know those days are gone, and I know those days are over. I also know that I don’t know how to let them go… How to let him go… I can’t… Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. He is still such a big part of my soul, and I think that is just what it is.

So… Happy Anniversary, Babe… I love you so much… still…

Life moves on.
Time passes.
But my heart stands still;
Lost in a space
Where I can still hear your voice.
Where your smile still greets mine.
Frozen in this space
Where you should be…
But you aren’t.
~ Linda, April 2020


Special days and anniversaries seem to carry emotions that can overwhelm us even years later. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What special days have you had to navigate lately? What do you remember? How do you celebrate? How do you manage those emotions? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Loss of a Friend

I want to tell you about my friend, Tom…

I met Tom when we were just kids… I mean young kids – not even teenagers yet. We went to the same church, and while Tom was a year or so younger than me, we were always in the same youth group and choir. Tom was always that skinny kid that simply loved the world and assumed the world loved him back. I would even dare to say that most of us thought of him as a little bit nerdy… But then again, so were most of us (at least, I know I was), so it was all fine. We all loved each other!

Tom had this amazing character… What I would call an “old soul.” For example, we all knew he was not the picture of health growing up. He had a heart condition, but he never let that define him. In fact, he never let it stop him from doing whatever he wanted… “Can’t” just never seemed to be a part of his vocabulary. He also had this way of seeing something special in everyone, (maybe that is why he loved us all). Here I was, this skinny, nerdy, awkward girl, who didn’t see herself as anything special, but Tom did. From the very beginning he told me that my smile lit up a room, and “Sunshine” became his nickname for me. (I still love that!)

Tom and I remained friends all through middle school and high school. However, as time passed, I moved away, and evidently so did he… And as it seems to happen often with childhood friends, we lost touch…

Then one day a few years ago, out of the blue, I received a Face Book message that started with “Hi there, Sunshine!” and immediately I knew who it was… and I smiled. Through the years, we have talked about the loss of his father, and my loss of Bruce. He would send me articles or blogs on grief that he thought might mean a lot to me, and they always seemed to be spot on. He was also one of my biggest supporters when it came to this blog – commenting on specific posts or sharing it on his own wall several times a year.

Despite the years that had passed, he was still Tom… He was still kind, and he still believed that each person could make a difference. He still spoke his mind and welcomed discussions with people who had different thoughts and opinions than his own. He often said that change is only possible when both sides of an issue remain at the table – talking and sharing. He became my example to follow of never shutting the door on a difficult conversation.

So, when I wrote last week’s blog, which was about one of those discussions gone awry, I really didn’t think I would be writing a continuation this week… Yet here I am.

Last week, I wrote about my grief over the loss of our relationships with each other – all of us. I wrote about how we have let a stranger, named “Politics”, come between so many of us and the people we know and love. In many cases, I have observed people throwing away years of friendship… and for what? For things that seem to change with the next news story?

Yes, we can have our different opinions… We should… It is how we learn and grow… It is how we develop empathy for those around us. So, I wonder… do we have to behave as if we hate each other while doing that?

I don’t get it…

I also wrote about a particular post where friends were actually saying some pretty mean things about people and to people. There was even a point in the discussion where the topic at hand was tossed aside and the name-calling started. Yet even that wasn’t the end of it. The name-calling took on another twist, as people even started making fun of a person’s name… Tom’s name… Seriously? I couldn’t believe it. What was happening? How did we get here? When did we forget to love each other? My heart was breaking with each word on the screen.

I had a feeling when I wrote that blog, I would get a message from Tom. I knew he would read it. I knew he would recognize the post, and I knew he would reach out to me… but he didn’t… not a word… It was crickets.

Then a couple of days later, I learned why…

Tom died.

Just like that.

He is gone.

I cried as read the words posted on his Face Book wall… First, I cried for Tom. He gave so much to so many, and I know he wouldn’t have felt like he was done. I also cried for Tom’s wife, because I know how painful her loss must be… I know the road ahead of her. (Widowhood is an exclusive club that no one wants to join.). Then, I cried for me, and how much I will miss his kind words and support. I will miss his example of trying to make this world a better place. Finally, I cried for our friends. I can’t imagine how it must feel to know that your last words to a life-long friend were those of an emotionally-charged argument… I cried for all of us.

Even now, days later when I think of all of this, I cry…

What happened to us? At what point did we become those people who resort to name calling when a discussion gets tough? When did we start believing in violence and anger at all costs? When did we stop respecting each other’s right to a different opinion? When did we stop listening to each other and looking for common ground to build on? When did we stop caring about and loving one another? Shoot… When did we forget what love truly is?

Then on Friday, I read another post from a friend who is a retired Methodist pastor. Her words, which are much more eloquent than my own, gave me a starting point in this chaos… and that gives me hope.

“We have real problems that cannot be solved until our moral compass is reset. God change our hearts for good. Give us courage to do that which is honorable and right. Help us be not afraid to welcome and love one another. Lead us, Lord. Lead us into righteousness. May my will be your will. Amen.” ~ Lib Campbell, founder of avitualchurch.com

My heart has been broken this week, as I say good-bye to another friend. Good friends – friends who stick with you through the good and the bad, are a rare and precious gift. Tom was such a gift.

I know these are also crazy times, and many of us have lost friends and loved ones. We have had to say good-bye from a distance, and that, in and of itself, is another hardship… But we are not alone. We have the choice to stick together… to be kind and to support each other. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. Has anyone else felt grief over our current situation? Does anyone else know what I mean?

These are tough times and perhaps dealing with our personal loss makes us a little more sensitive to any grief we might be feeling about our political climate, as well. Let us know what you think. We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.