Changes… Lots of changes… I sometimes think might be one of the hardest parts of losing someone you love… all of the unending changes. It seems like every time I feel as I am getting steady on my feet again, I find one more thing in my life that has or is changing. And, yes, I know that is life in general, but this is different… These are changes that seem to have a direct connection back to Bruce and the reality of losing this man I love so very much.
Some things that have changed are things I expected, such as the empty chair at the table, or only my car in the driveway. Those were the concrete reminders of life without Bruce. However, there have been other changes, less visible yet much more profound.
I think two of the biggest areas of change for me are my own personality and, as a direct result, many of my relationships…
While I have heard it before, over the last few weeks, I have read several articles about the impact of traumatic events, and how they change us. I know it’s true… I have no doubt, because in my experience, after 23 years in a chaotic marriage, the change was huge. I had gone from being a confident (and probably a little bit stubborn) person before the marriage to being someone who struggled with trust and had absolutely no self-confidence by the end. It took years of counseling, patience, and tons of unconditional love to move through the debris that had been left of in the wake of that trauma.
But in my mind, the worst was over. I wasn’t a victim; I was a survivor! I had mustered up the courage I needed one last time and left. I had made changes. And with Bruce in my corner, I had once again found that self-confidence from years ago.
But then, just as quickly as he had come into my life, he was gone, and my world went black… Forget being confident… Forget anything… I struggled with the mere thought of simply taking my next breath.
All my life
I knew you were missing.
Then, like a miracle
You were there.
And,
Just as suddenly,
You were gone.
My soul cries…
~ Linda, October 2020
Talk about a traumatic event… It has been almost eight years, and it still brings tears to my eyes several times a week. It’s funny… I like to think I am “back to normal”, but sometimes things happen, and I realize “back to normal” may be an impossible destination for me.
The other day, this came to my attention when a friend made a simple comment… not one meant to hurt… not one said with any type of animosity… Simply a comment made as a matter of course… A simply stated fact.
There were several of us women talking, although I can’t honestly tell you what the conversation was about. I remember saying something to the effect of “… Losing Bruce was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.” To which my friend gently touched my arm and simply said, “I know… It really changed you.” And the conversation moved on.
I’ve thought about that a lot since then. She’s right… I am not the same person I was eight years ago. I think I’m more quiet… more introverted… and probably more serious… I have to push myself in social situations, because many times, I would be just as content not to be there in the first place. But I am there, because I want to show the same love and acceptance to others that has been shown to me… So I go, and I push myself past my comfort zone.
As I think about where I was, where I am and my friend’s comment, I realize that if I’m honest, I think there have been other friends through the years who have tried to say the same thing. I think sometimes, not often, it has been said in the hopes that I will “fix” myself and go back to being the person they used to know “before”. However, I think most of the time it is said as a simple acceptance of who I am now… an acceptance that this was a traumatic event in my life which changed parts of my soul… parts that will likely never be the same. Yet, there is no pressure. They love me (period). They accept me as I am – bruises, changes, and all.
So, thank you! Thank you to all those wonderful people in my life who have stood firm by my side and loved me… I don’t think I would have ever been able to smile and laugh again, if it weren’t for you. I hope you know how much I love you all, and I am eternally grateful for your friendship, acceptance, and love.
If you have ever experienced a severe loss and deep grief, then you probably already know that traumatic events do change who we are. These are big events that change how we look at life and the world around us. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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