As I have mentioned the past few weeks, I have been struggling to deal with the current course of events happening all around me… and trying to navigate all of this alone. That hasn’t changed, but it also isn’t my topic today. Instead, I have been trying to analyze why all of this has suddenly thrown me back emotionally to the first months of this journey… Why I am missing Bruce as if he just died yesterday… Why am I crying more than normal? Why am I back to not sleeping more than a few hours at a time?
The past couple of years, I felt like I had finally gotten to a much healthier space, but here I am now… Like the children’s game, Chutes and Ladders, I just took that long slide back down the board to the beginning. Most days, it feels like I am right back there at the start, trying to catch my breath, and figure out how I got here.
I am sure it has a lot to do with the current upheaval and unknown future that has left me feeling insecure, which was exactly how I felt when Bruce first died… Completely lost… Completely insecure… No idea how to manage this tightrope called life all by myself.
Over the years, I have learned to do a multitude of things I never thought possible on my own. I have learned to navigate in the world as a single, older woman – covering my bills, keeping up with car and home repairs (even doing some myself), and planning/saving for retirement, to name a few. I have also learned a lot about myself… especially the fact that I am way more capable than I would have ever given myself credit for… I would even dare to say that I am stronger and tougher than I was raised to be.
Yet, currently, I feel like I have had the breath knocked out of me. I want to get up, smile, and move on. I want to be (emotionally) where I was six months ago… But I’m just not… Evidently, right now, I need to feel what I feel and let it out – even if that is in the form of fresh grief and tears.
This week, I came across this quote in my morning reading:
“Crying is not a weakness; it is a route taken by the things that no longer need to be carried around in the heart. Crying is how we release what no longer deserves to take up residence in the heart.” ~ r.h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, March 9
At first, I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I love the first part, “Crying is not a weakness.” However, when I got to the part that says, “… what no longer deserves to take up residence in the heart,” I had to stop… It was that word “deserves” that made me take pause.
Bruce will always deserve a place in my heart! How could I ever think otherwise??
Then, I started to realize that Bruce isn’t the part that makes me cry. Bruce makes me smile… Remembering Bruce (and our relationship) makes me happy.
No, the thing that doesn’t “deserve to take up residence in heart” is the sadness… the fear… the loneliness… Those are the things that drag me down and leave me feeling “less than” and unworthy of anything good.
So… I am working on letting those things go. I’m back to daily journaling – both a gratitude list and a “check-in”, with my own download of emotions and thoughts… There is something about reminding myself of the good around me and a bit of self-expression in a safe place that has always been cathartic to my soul.
I can’t say I am completely back on track… I’m not. Then again, it has only been a day or two, and I know this is going to take… well, as long as it takes… And that’s okay. I have nothing but time anyway.
Here’s the thing… My guiding phrase for this year is “I stand in my truth.” That becomes the standard I am using to measure my thoughts, words, and actions as I go about doing life. So… as long as that is still my guide as I work through this current wave of grief, – a guide for gratitude… a guide for self-expression… a guide for emotional regulation… a guide for all the things I am feeling, then, I should end up just fine.
Who knows, maybe the first time I was on this part of the path, I missed something. They say we all have lessons to learn in this life and if we somehow miss the lesson… well, life will just keep trying to teach us.
So… this time I am trying to pay attention… trying to dig a little deeper, look a little closer, and heal a little bit more… And I will just have to wait and see where that gets me.
“Missing that person doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re strong enough to remain honest in your emotional truth.” ~ r.h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, March 12
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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