letting go – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Learning to Reframe the Story

Grief is a journey that is greatly affected by our past experiences. That isn’t just me talking; multiple books I have read on the topic say this over and over. The sources state that the way we are raised to think about ourselves, our relationships, and loss itself all influence our grief journey – not just this specific loss.

I know for me the goal I felt was set before me both at home and at church was to strive to be perfect. A couple of things about that… First, it was my own interpretation of the message – not the message itself. Second, I knew that it was an impossible goal. No one is perfect. In fact, not being perfect… making mistakes, has been one of the best ways I have grown and developed. It is how we learn – through our mistakes.

Growing up, though I didn’t understand that, and as a result, my self-esteem sank lower and lower. Before long, I felt completely unworthy of being loved, which resulted in me tolerating several abusive relationships, including my first marriage. Whenever things grew out of hand, I would easily convince myself that I didn’t deserve any better.

This continued until it reached a breaking point… A point where I didn’t care if I went to hell for leaving – dogma I no longer prescribe to. In my mind, I was already there… and so, I took the kids and left. I had no idea where I was going to go or how I was going to provide for my kids, but I figured it could be any worse.

It took a while but in time, things began to get sorted… And while the abusive, angry behavior never fully stopped, it was no longer in my face. (And over time, I have learned to ignore most of it.) Then, after three long years, our divorce was finally done, and I could breathe a little bit easier.

It wasn’t long after our divorce that Bruce walked into my life. The love that he showed me was complete and unconditional – something I had never believed in or experienced before. My mother told me that she was praying for me to meet someone who would love me like that – someone who loved me as Christ does… And Bruce was definitely that person.

Because of his unwavering love and belief in me (and us), my self-esteem grew. Bruce showed me that self-love is not selfish. In fact, it is required if you want to truly love another, because you can’t give away what you don’t have. Also, if someone loves you, they do not want you to be any less “you”. Rather, they will celebrate you – all of you… the good, the bad, and the crazy.

Those few short years together were amazing. I learned so much about love and relationships… peace and wisdom… and trust. (That was a BIG one for me.) Bruce always said I did the same for him… That I made him want to be a better man.

Like I said – it was an amazing time for both of us.

Then, in a moment, he was gone… One minute kissing and holding me in bed, and a few short hours later – gone. No warning – total shock. In that short span of time, my whole world collapsed. Everything I thought I knew and trusted disappeared. Suddenly, I found myself thrown back (emotionally) in time to that same space where I was nothing… I deserved nothing… I was worth nothing.

The grief I felt seemed to have no end. I couldn’t go back… and I struggled to go forward. I felt like I was in limbo… Bruce was gone, but I needed him too much to let go. That went on for years.

Last year, though, I heard something that changed my perspective… I was listening to a speaker who said that when people struggle to move on after a loss, it is often because their grief… their pain… has become their only connection to the person who died. There is a fear that if the grief and pain are the only things still keeping them connected, what will happen if they let it go?

That hit me full in the face. Yes, I was making slow and steady headway, but I really was scared to completely let go of all those feelings. My grief had somehow become a part of who I was, and now it was a part of my and Bruce’s relationship. Was that really what I wanted? No… It wasn’t.

I knew I didn’t want that… But what could I do to change it?

Reframe the story… not necessarily “our” story… but “my” story – my story that is still happening. But what does that even mean? Reframe the story?

Well, for me, it has meant moving my focus away from the pain and grief that I feel for Bruce. (I still feel it, but it isn’t my focal point.) Instead, I am learning to focus on the respect, love, joy and positive emotions that were the foundation of our relationship. It is about remembering the good… the things that made me look forward to waking up each morning and being blessed with another day to love this man. It is about retraining my mind to think of the memories that make me smile rather than the loss that can so easily feel overwhelming and un-survivable.

It hasn’t been easy. For whatever reason, science tells us that our brains tend to attach more easily to the negatives than the positives. Yet, it is the positives that make life worth remembering and living. So… whenever I find myself triggered or in the middle of a wave of grief, I know to take a moment to breathe. Then, I am able to remind myself to focus on the good – even if it is just one memory and it only creates a tiny spark of joy in that moment… Let me assure you – that tiny spark feels way better than any amount of grief and pain.

So, that is how I am reframing the story. That is how I am learning to still be connected to Bruce… and at the same time, still live the life I have been given.
__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that can feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Not Fair

“That’s not fair.”

If there was ever one phrase that each of us spoke at some point in our childhood, this has to be it (or at least in the top ten). I can remember saying it as a child and my mother’s response was usually a “life’s not fair”. So… when my kids were growing up, guess what my response was to them… Yep… “Life’s not fair.”

… And it isn’t. Life is just… life.

There isn’t always fairness in what life doles out nor reason to understand it. Life just is, and as we mature, we realize that ‘fairness in all things’ is a fairly childish notion. Yet… don’t we all still have those moments when we just want it to be fair, but it isn’t? It may be hard to admit, but aren’t there still times when we want (or even need) someone or something to step in and either make it fair or explain why this particular set of circumstances might be fair after all?

… I know I do… I may not vocalize it as such, but the child in me still wants things to be fair… for all of us… even when I am on the beneficial end of something unfair. I struggle with the idea that my “gain” may have come at the cost of someone else’s “loss”. Either way, I struggle to understand. I want to know why. I want to know how. Somehow, I seem to get stuck for a bit, because I truly need to understand.

But life doesn’t usually offer explanations…

When Bruce died, I truly struggled with all of that. We were both pretty young. It felt as if we had just started our life together. How did this make any sense at all? Why him? Why us? It just wasn’t fair, and I struggled for years to wrap my brain around it.

Years later, when I was diagnosed with cancer, a lot of those same feelings came up again. I was healthy. I worked out every day. I ate right and drank moderately. The doctors used to tell me that my only “contributing factor” was the fact that I am a woman. Period. That made no sense. That didn’t answer my questions. In fact, I had even more questions, like “how was I supposed to go through this without Bruce by my side?” Without him, I had to reach out for support (both emotional and physical) from family and friends… people who had their own families and lives to deal with. None of that seemed fair… to anyone.

Then, last year in August, I was part of an 11% RIF (reduction in force). After 17 years as a high preforming employee, I was laid off along with about 2400 people, which also included many of my friends. It felt so wrong. It hurt so bad. Through the shock and stumbling at the beginning and through the job searches that followed, I struggled with all the same questions – How did this become an acceptable business solution? Why was this the solution? Why me? Why any of us? It didn’t make sense… None of it made sense… especially when that company started hiring again within a month or so.

Then, this week, at my new company, there was a RIF… again. I was stunned. I didn’t understand. I still don’t understand. This time I wasn’t let go, but now I find myself questioning why am I still here and the others aren’t? Even after only a few short months, I wonder ‘why’. Why them? How is this going to help? It feels so wrong. It feels so unfair.

This morning, while discussing this latest RIF and all of the emotions I am feeling with someone I love dearly, (and who holds very different religious/spiritual views), they responded by saying, “Well, one day, the people who made these choices will pay for their greed. They will stand before God and be judged for these decisions. They will be held to account for this. Take solace in that.”

But I don’t take solace in that. There was a time when I did… I used to believe that. In fact, I used to (half-jokingly) say that I wanted to stand behind my ex when we “go for judgement”, because I thought that would be fair after all the things he did to our family. Yet somewhere along the way, I outgrew that. I don’t even believe in that, and I don’t wish him ill. Instead, I accept the truth of what was, and at the same time, pray for ‘peace of mind’ for each of us who were in that situation… I guess, somewhere along the way, I realized that is better… That is what we need – not more judgment or anger or negativity.

Also, this morning, in my devotions, the author talked about the Buddhist practice of non-attachment. I have heard of it before, but never really understood it… until today. The author explained that non-attachment is not apathy. It is not about “not caring”. It is about accepting things as they are… as is… no judgement. Then, in my conversation with our church’s spiritual director, she went even further… Non-attachment also means not being attached to a certain outcome. It means accepting what I can’t control. (Insert a deep sigh here for me when that sunk in.)

Many people say that there are certain lessons our souls need to learn in our time here on earth. If we don’t learn a lesson, then it will keep reappearing (in different forms) until we do… until we start paying attention and doing the hard work of learning and letting go… of trusting that the Divine has a hand in all of it… of understanding that the Divine is good… and wants nothing but good for us. Period.

So instead of focusing on what isn’t fair, maybe I need to hold out and remember that life isn’t over. There is more to come. This particular moment may be incredibly hard, and I may not have any control. Maybe I need to find my voice or make some type of change or readjustment…

However, in the end, it isn’t about “fair” at all, because the idea of “fairness” is born from fear – fear of something missing. So, do I still want things to be fair? Of course, I do! But instead of worrying about controlling that, maybe I spend my time learning to ‘be’… learning to accept ‘what is’… and remembering to live from that inner space of peace that expresses love and hope to a world that has more than its fair share of fear and judgement…

__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love and Grief… That Peace Thing…

“While you are proclaiming peace with your lips, be careful to have it even more fully in your heart.” ~ St. Francis of Assisi

Peace… One syllable, and yet one of those things most of us strive to accomplish… Shoot, even the nations of our world struggle with this one… And so, do I…

Bruce always made it look so simple. He always seemed to be at peace with whatever was going on… Well, maybe not always. There were a few times I can remember when life seemed to catch up to him, as well. However no matter what, he always managed to quickly draw that peaceful demeanor back… A skill and attitude I still greatly admire.

In December, I decided to make that my goal – to maintain peace in my life – my attitudes and my demeanor. To help, I have a book that I am working my way through, and it has really helped… until the past couple of weeks. Why? Because I dropped the ball.

Things were going so well, until I got lazy… I stopped making this a daily goal. And now I must confess – as life has happened over the past couple of weeks, I have not been so good about maintaining peace in my heart.

While I was working through the book, I learned to let things go, especially those things that aren’t “mine” in the first place. I had stopped taking things people said personally. I even managed to apply this “peace thing” to my grief. I know it is how I not only made it through the holidays, I was actually happy… In fact, I can even say I enjoyed the season.

But the last few weeks, as I have focused less and less on maintaining that peace I so greatly admired in Bruce, I have found myself slipping back into old habits… And I don’t like it.

“Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in his hands.” ~ Elisabeth Elliot

At first, it was little things – things people said (or didn’t say) … things they did (or didn’t do). (Are you seeing a pattern here?) I was getting really good at blaming others for my attitude and feeling sorry for myself – something I haven’t done in a very long time. But there I was thinking about everyone else’s behavior and expecting them to change. It was very similar to when Bruce first died. I was so caught up in my own sadness and grief that I couldn’t see past it. It was a self-pitying, all-about-me attitude.

But that is no way to go through life, and it all seemed to come to a head this weekend.

On Friday, someone at work made an unkind comment which I normally would have ignored. I know hurting people hurt people. I know that just because someone says something about me doesn’t make it true. I know it says more about them, than it does about me. But I wouldn’t let it go. I held onto it all day… Then, I posted about it on Facebook (because that’s such a great idea – please note the sarcasm). My friends were very kind, but seriously – what a pity party! On Saturday, I deleted that post immediately – I was so frustrated that I had allowed myself to go down that road.

I wish I could say that was it… I wish I had immediately realized the path I was on versus the path I want to be on, but I didn’t. That didn’t happen until today…

As I sat in church this morning and listened to the pastor talk about “peacemakers,” I began to realize what has been missing in my life over the last few weeks – It was “that peace thing.” It was remembering that…

“We are the bearers of peace by staying peaceful ourselves.” ~ Unknown

This afternoon, I have pulled my book back out from under the stack of books by my bed. I have been reading through the things I had written and underlined. I could be upset with myself… But, then again, that wouldn’t be very peaceful, would it? Instead, I know I need to take a deep breath, let go of what I can’t change, and change the one thing I can – me… and my attitude.

Years ago, grief created a perfect storm in which I became very comfortable at feeling sorry for myself. And while that grew tiresome (even for me), habits can be hard to change – although not impossible. However, it definitely takes consistent focus on the right things.

I am so blessed to have people around me who love me enough and feel comfortable enough to tell me when I am straying in the wrong direction. I am also blessed to have lived side by side with someone who lived a life filled with peace. Bruce may be gone, but his legacy is not… His influence is real, and it is huge…

And with the memory of our love in my heart, I know I can do this… I can pick up where I left off and fill my life with “that peace thing” once again.

“There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered.” ~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Do you ever struggle to keep peace in your heart? Have you ever found yourself on that path of self-pity and had to work at letting it go? Is that something you still struggle with? It can be hard to admit, but it is even harder to bear alone. We are part of a club, we never wanted to join. Yet, here we are… Let’s reach out to one another and share our stories. Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Time to Cry

People ask me if I still cry…
I wake up in the morning with only your picture next to me…
And I cry.
As I get dressed, I think of how you would come in each morning and kiss me good-by…
And I cry.
At work, people make comments about my grief and pain. I smile at them and try to remember that they have no idea what they are saying…
And I cry.
I come home to an empty house and spend the evening alone…
And I cry.
I crawl into our big empty bed alone – no one to hold me; no one to kiss me…
And I cry.
So, when people ask if I still cry, I say – Not all the time, but sometimes…
I still cry.
~ Linda, January 2014

It’s been over 4 years since I wrote that… And, yes, I still cry… Not as often and not publicly but yes, I do.

I remember when this journey first started. I read so many things which said the pain would subside, or the grief was compared to an open wound that would later feel more like a scar. I disagree… I haven’t found that to be true at all.

It still hurts… I still cry… I still miss Bruce as much today as I did years ago. The difference isn’t in the pain – the pain is still here. The difference is in how I have learned to live with the pain. In the beginning, I couldn’t control it… It controlled me. It has taken me years to learn to turn that around.

At first, I didn’t understand this new aspect of my life or how to live with it. It was so foreign and surreal. It was made up of everything from my worst nightmares. I just kept thinking it would go away… If I could just find a list of all the things I needed to do to make it better, I could “get over this.” I just knew that was the answer.

But there is no such list, … and so I struggled. I struggled because I couldn’t predict when a wave of grief would hit. I struggled because when a wave did hit me, I couldn’t control the tears. I struggled because I felt judged by people around me (which was really only one or two people, but in my head, it felt like a lot more).

At one point, I remember reading about a woman who would “give” herself a specific time each day to cry. At the time, I thought, “That’s silly. I never know when I’m going to cry… How can I say I’m going to cry at a certain time each day?” However, as time has passed, I have found myself doing exactly that… And I don’t think I’m the only one.

This week as I was looking at some journaling ideas for grief, one was “When do you cry?” I know that can go in a couple of directions… For example, when do you cry (what triggers it)? OR when do you cry (what time of the day)? I have had to look at this question both ways.
When I was first on this journey, I had to figure out the first question…

Figuring out the things that could trigger my grief was my first step to learning how to control it. For a while, I would avoid those things (or try), but as I have gotten stronger, I have learned to handle those triggers as they come.

This is where I have learned to appreciate the timing piece… the “when do I let it go” part… As time has passed, I have learned to allow myself some time and space each day to let it go… Journaling has probably been the biggest God-send for me. I have stacks and stacks of journals filled with my feelings – the anger, sadness, and loneliness. All of the overwhelming feelings associated with grief are there as raw, wounded and honest as I felt them in the moment.

Because I only write in my journal at a certain time each day, I started to learn how to hang onto those feelings until I was ready to write. And as I write, the tears flow, and I let them… I don’t try to stop them… That is my time to let it go… It is my time each day to grieve and feel no guilt or shame.

I believe when you lose someone you love… someone who was your whole world, your grief will always be a part of your life. I don’t believe it changes from an open wound to a scar… I believe it is more about learning to live with your grief – learning to control it versus letting it control you. It isn’t easy, but it is doable…

So, yes, I still cry… Do you?

Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way. For each of us, learning to live with our grief can be an overwhelming lesson. I know each of will do it in our own way and in our own time. Today’s blog is simply my thoughts and how I have moved forward on this path. Maybe this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled with learning to live with your grief. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the Stress

This has been a week of feeling up and feeling down. It has been a week of enjoying time with an old friend and realizing another friend threw me under the bus to suit their own purpose… In other words, it has been a week most people can probably related to – whether you are grieving or not. However, for most widows, even “everyday” stress can be overwhelming for one simple reason… We have no one to turn to when things are rough… There was a time when we did, but that time has passed. In fact, now all those stressful moments we encounter are compounded by another round of grief as we are reminded once again we are alone.

Through these past 4+ years, I have watched widows collapse emotionally under the stress of doing it all alone… I have watched women pull into themselves, lose their homes, struggle to balance a budget, or let their homes fall apart around them simply because the stress of everyday life was too much. Please don’t assume these are people who never learned to take care of themselves – that has not always the case. Many of these women have done amazingly strong things. They just didn’t have the proper resources to handle the stress of widowhood… Because it is a stressor like to no other.

I guess I have been lucky… My stress issues have not been so severe… But they are still very real, and they seem to affect my life on a pretty consistent basis.

For the last month, my mentor and I have been working on my own self-awareness and how I handle stress. I have spent this time keeping a diary of my emotions. The goal has been to list each emotion without labeling it “good” or “bad.” I was to simply observe what triggered each emotion, my thought process, how I felt physically, and my thoughts on “why.” After a month of this, I have had a lot of “ah-ha” moments… I learned many things about myself which seem so obvious on this end, but which I was completely unaware just a few weeks ago… So, this week became the week to start applying what I have learned.

Two of the biggest things I learned were I create a lot of my own stress either by not setting clear boundaries or by trying to control things which are not in my control.

So, in order to handle my own stress better, these are the areas where I know I need to be most aware. But how to do that became the question this week. After all, if I already knew how to set boundaries or let things go, I wouldn’t be so stressed in the first place.

One of the first things I had to understand and accept was we are ALL designed with a desire to be in control. The problem, however, seems to be we want the stressor to change… But 99.9% of the time, that is not something we can control… That is not something we can change. So, when a stressful situation reared its head this week, I initially “took the bait.” I didn’t like what was happening. I wanted it to stop… But it didn’t stop, and I couldn’t force it to stop. I could feel my face getting red and the tears of anger building up in my eyes, as I struggled to regain control of myself, (which was the only thing I knew I had any chance of controlling in that moment).

This proved harder than I thought it would be.

Our bodies are designed to kick into “auto-pilot” when we are stressed… Our body processes slow down to conserve its resources in case we need to “fight or flee.” For example, our blood pressure rises but our blood flow to the brain decreases. This causes our “emotional” brain to increase, while our “rational” brain decreases. This is why we often find ourselves saying or doing things in “the heat of the moment” which we later regret. This is also why, from a physical standpoint, regaining control is extremely important.

At this point, it is vital to recognize what is happening, which I now realized was the purpose for keeping the diary…

This is where I began to make changes…

I knew the first step was to regain control of myself physically. Only then could I begin to regain control of my thoughts. And from there, I was able to change my perception of the situation. This change of perception, I realized, is my own spiritual growth… and this is where change happens.

This is where I recognize those places I do have control. Then, I am able to set appropriate boundaries and hold on. (I say, “hold on,” because if setting boundaries is new for you, others will have a hard time accepting that you have done so. But hang in there… It will get better.)

So, this week, I did just that… I worked hard on those things I can control – my physical response and the boundaries I needed to set. I did a lot of praying for strength, and I surrendered to God those things I couldn’t control.

So, what was my boundary this week? I stood up for myself. I told the friend who let me down that I was hurt and angry by what they did. I told them, I still care about them and can work with them, but I don’t trust them and will no longer confide in them.

That may not seem like much but it was a big deal for me… It is about baby steps… I know I don’t have to do it all at once.

This will be a new part of my journey. Going forward, I just need to keep in mind handling my stressors involves:
1. The desire to be in control and recognize the stressors when I am not in control.
2. When I judge myself and decide I’m not good enough, I need to remember God created me… I have value… That means it’s okay to accept myself and stand up for myself.
3. Those who love me provide those relationships which see in me what I can’t see in myself.
4. My own spiritual growth is what will allow me to change my perception and handle life’s stressors.

I hope this didn’t sound “preachy” today… That is not my intent. This was a week of growth for me, and I wanted to share it since I have learned so much. I just hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are ALL dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Attached

This week in my martial arts class, our instructor asked a question… “Have you ever been so attached to how you thought something was going to happen that when it didn’t happen that way, you were disappointed?”

The lesson, of course went on to discuss how important it is to not be attached to what you believe will happen, but instead, being open to all possibilities and learning to “roll with the punches.” Of course, he was relating this lesson back to the strategies of sparring, and it was a great analogy…. Everyone can relate to that experience. However, immediately my mind was elsewhere…

My mind was on Bruce… and the future we thought lay before us…

The miracle of two people living in opposite parts of the country, meeting in the Caribbean and falling in love was never lost on us. It was something we constantly marveled. (In fact, Bruce used to tell me I should write a book about it… Little did either of us know this is how our story would be told.)

There seemed to be no end to the depth of our connection and love for each other. While I will always believe he knew his time was limited, I had no idea. In my mind, we had forever. I was convinced we would grow old together… I was definitely attached to the idea of a long future together for us… Death was no where on my radar.

How could “forever” not be our future? We were each other’s world… each other’s best friend. We could sit for hours without saying a word – just holding hands or snuggling. We always fell asleep in each other’s arms and woke up the same way. We laughed together, cried together, and entrusted those things closest to our hearts with each other. After 8 years together, we were still learning about each other, and a simple touch could still leave me with butterflies in my stomach and feeling weak in the knees.

Of course, I was attached to the idea of more… How can you love someone and not be attached to the idea of a future together?

I remember about a year after Bruce died, someone told me, “I used to wish I could find someone to love the way you and Bruce loved each other. But after seeing how much you are hurting, I hope I never love anyone the way you two loved each other.”

That shocked me a little bit when it was first spoken, and since then I have given it a lot of thought…

What about me? Would I have let myself fall in love with Bruce if I knew what the future held? I believe I would… Don’t get me wrong. I hate this thing called grief – I think it is BS and it sucks! My whole life has changed… In fact, my whole outlook on life has changed!

But, to imagine a life that never included Bruce is far worse!

Maybe that is why grief is so hard… There is constant inner conflict – Conflict between what is and what you thought would be… Conflict between what the world says you should feel and what you really feel.

For example, the world tells you there are “seven stages” of grief. (Which, by the way, is completely false!) I am a “list” person, so when I first read this, I had some hope… I really believed this would be my ticket to healing. However, I soon learned these stages are actually for someone facing their own impending death. The world, however, has taken this list and tried to apply it to the grief process. The problem is grief doesn’t really work that way.

Yes, when you are grieving, you will experience these stages… Just not quite the way you might think. It is different. There is no checklist and no nice, neat stages to master… Instead, you cycle through each stage (and every emotion) over and over… And in no particular order… And without an end in sight.

Once you recognize that, you also understand what it means when they say, “You never really heal from grief. Instead, you just learn how to live with it.” (Something I couldn’t understand until I lived it.)

Bruce and I had a lot of dreams and plans for our future. We knew we wanted to retire and travel… We wanted to sell everything, buy a boat and just sail from island to island. We wanted to see our children and grandchildren grow up and discover whatever the world held for them. All we wanted was a simple life made up of things like time together at the beach or kayaking. In fact, those were our plans together the weekend he died… Plans for things we would never do…

Were we attached to those things? Yes, I guess so… Because the moment he was gone so were all those plans and dreams. And sometimes it has been just as hard to let go of those as to let go of him. Somehow, they all seem to be intertwined, and I can’t let go of one without letting go of all of it… And letting go of even one piece brings on a whole new round of emotions and grief.

So, the question… Have I ever been so attached to how I thought something was going to turnout and when it didn’t happen that way, was I disappointed? Obviously, yes. But have I learned to be open to all possibilities and “roll with the punches?” Hmmm… I would have to say I’m still working on it…

And I believe, my “working on it” is what grief really is…

I sit in the sun,
Enjoying its warmth.
On the horizon,
I can see the ever-present clouds –
The darkness of a storm
That can hit at any moment.
Some days it stays on the horizon,
Present but not a threat.
Other days, it blows in – shutting out the sun
And attacking my very soul.
I never know from what direction the wind will blow.
Will it blow and keep the storm away?
Or
Will it blow the storm directly in my path?
I never know moment to moment
Where it will be,
But I always know it is there…
Somewhere.
~Linda, April 2016

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… For many of us, the confusion and emotions of grief can be overwhelming even on the best of days. Learning to be open to new possibilities can feel impossible at times and at other times, give us hope. We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… And we each have our own experiences that help us make it through. If this feels familiar, we are here… you are NOT alone. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Please note – I will be spending next weekend with family (and without a computer). Therefore, there will not be a blog next week, but I will be back the following week (July 23).