Grief is a journey that is greatly affected by our past experiences. That isn’t just me talking; multiple books I have read on the topic say this over and over. The sources state that the way we are raised to think about ourselves, our relationships, and loss itself all influence our grief journey – not just this specific loss.
I know for me the goal I felt was set before me both at home and at church was to strive to be perfect. A couple of things about that… First, it was my own interpretation of the message – not the message itself. Second, I knew that it was an impossible goal. No one is perfect. In fact, not being perfect… making mistakes, has been one of the best ways I have grown and developed. It is how we learn – through our mistakes.
Growing up, though I didn’t understand that, and as a result, my self-esteem sank lower and lower. Before long, I felt completely unworthy of being loved, which resulted in me tolerating several abusive relationships, including my first marriage. Whenever things grew out of hand, I would easily convince myself that I didn’t deserve any better.
This continued until it reached a breaking point… A point where I didn’t care if I went to hell for leaving – dogma I no longer prescribe to. In my mind, I was already there… and so, I took the kids and left. I had no idea where I was going to go or how I was going to provide for my kids, but I figured it could be any worse.
It took a while but in time, things began to get sorted… And while the abusive, angry behavior never fully stopped, it was no longer in my face. (And over time, I have learned to ignore most of it.) Then, after three long years, our divorce was finally done, and I could breathe a little bit easier.
It wasn’t long after our divorce that Bruce walked into my life. The love that he showed me was complete and unconditional – something I had never believed in or experienced before. My mother told me that she was praying for me to meet someone who would love me like that – someone who loved me as Christ does… And Bruce was definitely that person.
Because of his unwavering love and belief in me (and us), my self-esteem grew. Bruce showed me that self-love is not selfish. In fact, it is required if you want to truly love another, because you can’t give away what you don’t have. Also, if someone loves you, they do not want you to be any less “you”. Rather, they will celebrate you – all of you… the good, the bad, and the crazy.
Those few short years together were amazing. I learned so much about love and relationships… peace and wisdom… and trust. (That was a BIG one for me.) Bruce always said I did the same for him… That I made him want to be a better man.
Like I said – it was an amazing time for both of us.
Then, in a moment, he was gone… One minute kissing and holding me in bed, and a few short hours later – gone. No warning – total shock. In that short span of time, my whole world collapsed. Everything I thought I knew and trusted disappeared. Suddenly, I found myself thrown back (emotionally) in time to that same space where I was nothing… I deserved nothing… I was worth nothing.
The grief I felt seemed to have no end. I couldn’t go back… and I struggled to go forward. I felt like I was in limbo… Bruce was gone, but I needed him too much to let go. That went on for years.
Last year, though, I heard something that changed my perspective… I was listening to a speaker who said that when people struggle to move on after a loss, it is often because their grief… their pain… has become their only connection to the person who died. There is a fear that if the grief and pain are the only things still keeping them connected, what will happen if they let it go?
That hit me full in the face. Yes, I was making slow and steady headway, but I really was scared to completely let go of all those feelings. My grief had somehow become a part of who I was, and now it was a part of my and Bruce’s relationship. Was that really what I wanted? No… It wasn’t.
I knew I didn’t want that… But what could I do to change it?
Reframe the story… not necessarily “our” story… but “my” story – my story that is still happening. But what does that even mean? Reframe the story?
Well, for me, it has meant moving my focus away from the pain and grief that I feel for Bruce. (I still feel it, but it isn’t my focal point.) Instead, I am learning to focus on the respect, love, joy and positive emotions that were the foundation of our relationship. It is about remembering the good… the things that made me look forward to waking up each morning and being blessed with another day to love this man. It is about retraining my mind to think of the memories that make me smile rather than the loss that can so easily feel overwhelming and un-survivable.
It hasn’t been easy. For whatever reason, science tells us that our brains tend to attach more easily to the negatives than the positives. Yet, it is the positives that make life worth remembering and living. So… whenever I find myself triggered or in the middle of a wave of grief, I know to take a moment to breathe. Then, I am able to remind myself to focus on the good – even if it is just one memory and it only creates a tiny spark of joy in that moment… Let me assure you – that tiny spark feels way better than any amount of grief and pain.
So, that is how I am reframing the story. That is how I am learning to still be connected to Bruce… and at the same time, still live the life I have been given.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that can feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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