December 2022 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… T’was the Week Before Christmas

T’was the week before Christmas
And all through the town
Everybody was busy –
Scurrying around…

Ain’t it the truth! I have tried to time my shopping trips to avoid the crowds as much as possible but holy cow, aren’t we a busy lot?

As a widow, I think this is one area where, for the past decade, I have (mostly) watched as the world becomes so busy! Sometimes it seems so crazy that everyone is so busy that we (too often) forget to make time for those who may be struggling…

Everyone is so busy
No one has time to talk to a woman alone…
A woman lost.
In a season of celebration,
A season of love,
Things have turned around…
They are out of balance.

For it has become a season of things…
Things to get,
Things to buy,
Things to decorate,
Things to do…

Yet, people – the ones alone,
The ones that little babe came to love,
They are forgotten – pushed aside
Because
Everyone is too busy to take a moment to care…
~ Linda, 2013

I don’t mean that to be judgy at all, because I know, perfectly well, I do it too. I get caught up in all the hype and quite easily forget about the real reason for celebration – unconditional love… for everyone. That is a reason to celebrate… That is something I can get behind…, but it has taken me a while.

As a music person, this time of year was always busy with practices, performance, services, and caroling. Add in all the family stuff, and for years, Christmas was simply one big blur.

Then, Bruce died, and my entire world (including Christmas) changed…

The first year after Bruce died, I didn’t participate in Christmas at all… I ran away to the Keys and spent the week on a boat trying to pretend not to see or hear all the celebration happening around me. I spent Christmas day alone… being mad at my situation and having no idea how to move forward.

As the years have passed, though, I have slowly joined back in on the fun… a little at a time. In fact, when my daughter and grandson were living here, I jumped back in full swing with all the decorating, baking, Elf on a Shelf, and Santa busy-ness.

Now that I am on my own again, I am trying to find the balance between what feels like celebration and what feels like over-the-top busy-ness and distractions.

Yet, throughout the years – even now – on the inside, my emotions… my grief was and still is there (with no place to go). It’s not like I can forget that Bruce is gone just because it is Christmas!

Push those feeling down.
It’s been too long…
Don’t talk about it!

Push them down!

Why can’t you let him go?
What’s wrong with you?
Is this normal?

Push those feelings down!
Push them down!
… And when you come up for air…
Be sure you are smiling.
~ Linda, 2019

That is the struggle for many of us… How do I still grieve during this season and not ruin anyone else’s celebration? How do I grieve and celebrate?

This is my 9th Christmas since Bruce died… My 9th Christmas without him… It has taken a while, but I have come to terms with the idea that I can celebrate and feel joy for what is, and at the same time, my heart can also feel shattered into a million pieces because Bruce isn’t here to share in any of it.

It isn’t easy, and I don’t always get it right. There is a lot of self-doubt and hesitation to join in with others. Yet, I keep trying, and I haven’t given up… Mainly because I keep remembering what Christmas can be, and what the world can be if we only focus on the people around us – those we love and those needing and waiting to be loved… And while he may be gone, I am pretty sure I can thank Bruce and his legacy for the lessons on love…

Your love showed me,
I am worthy.
I am lovable.
I can be who I am meant to be.
I am good enough.
I have a purpose.
I can be confident.
I can love all around me.
I don’t need to judge – only love.

Your love showed me,
Love is kind.
Love is accepting.
Love is respectful.
Love is generous.
Love is embracing.
Love is open.
Love is a purpose…
And perhaps, it is mine.
~ Linda, 2013

Please Note: I will be taking a break next week to enjoy the holiday with my family. I will be back the following week, on January 1.
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief… Grieving Through the Holidays

Most years I start writing about how hard this time of year is. It starts with our anniversary in November. Then, there is Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, the New Year, and the anniversary of Bruce’s death. It seems like I barely push myself through one “big day”, and I hardly have time to catch my breath before there is another.

Most of the time, I feel like I have come such a long way since that awful night years ago. But this time of year, I seem to cry whenever I am alone. Although I’m not really alone… I just feel so alone. The people I love are all around me, and I couldn’t ask for more support, love and (most of all) hugs. But… Bruce was my other half, and without him, there is a loneliness that sinks deep into my bones.

I am alone.
When I am sad and hurting
And need someone
To hold me
And hug me
And dry my tears;
When I need someone
To talk to
And long for someone to spend my days with…
All I have is a memory…
A shadow of what was.
I am alone.
~ Linda, 2013

I miss him… I miss everything about him… I would still give anything to have him next to me – snuggled on the couch, gazing at the lights on the tree, and talking about nothing and everything. But… for me… for us, that will never happen again. That is where the feelings of loneliness and abandonment take hold… That is where I have to fight each and everyday to push through the grief and to celebrate the love of those around me.

Everything I read says that there are no rules for holiday grief… There is no right way or wrong way to survive this time of year. They are right. I have been struggling with this for years and every year is different. I can’t even seem to rely on anything I learned from the years before to help with my current processing. It is quite literally a “one-day-at-a-time” kind of survival…

Today has been one of those days where the tears keep falling no matter how hard I keep fighting them. (To the point that I am downright mad at myself.) This is ridiculous. I should be used to this by now, but logic doesn’t seem to be working. Instead, all I want to do is crawl under the covers and stay there until after all of these big days are over. I would give my soul to feel Bruce’s arms around me – holding me close as I feel the comfort of his love just one more time.

I know there are things in my world right now that I need to address – people I need to see or talk to, a couple of gifts still to buy, and life-tasks that require my attention before the start of a new week. (sigh) But I can’t… I feel broken… fragile… There is a huge piece of my heart that is gone and finding even a sliver of peace takes everything inside me. I don’t think I can do anything more… At least, not today… Maybe tomorrow…
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Gossip and Rumors

“What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~ Wayne Dyer

In its different forms, this phrase is attributed to multiple people, and I believe most of us have heard it in some form. For me, (thankfully), I heard this phrase early on this journey. At about the same time, I also read several articles about typical rumors that tend to circulate around widows, in particular. Some of these include things like:

1. Widows are “loose” women. (I know – very old terminology.) This can take several directions in how it plays out… Suddenly, you are a “threat” … and since you are no longer part of a couple, you are no longer invited to “couples” events. (I assume, this is to protect their own relationships from our “loose” morals.) Another example is how some men tend to assume the same and run with that idea in many directions, none of which involves any respect at all.

2. Widows are either “loaded” from money left to them or desperately poor from money not left to them or due to no financial understanding. Yes, I have seen each of these play out, but there are also many of us who just keep plugging along like the rest of the world – doing things on our own financially.

3. Widows are looking to remarry. Maybe… maybe not… According to research, most widows do not remarry. I would guess that most of us are just like the rest of the population and moving through life as it comes. Most of us are not on a hunt for another partner.

4. Widows are an emotional mess. Not saying yes or no… It probably depends on who we are and any particular day. I believe we all have our moments, but I also believe, we are doing our best.
And the list goes on… (You get the picture.)

Through the years I have dealt with my fair share of these rumors, but who hasn’t? Shoot, even when I was separated and divorced, there was a huge rumor-mill in our small town. Honestly, I just tried to be open about my situation to head off most of the rumors, but ultimately, it is not in my hands what others choose to believe or not believe.

Even now, after almost a decade, there is evidently a rumor floating around this neighborhood. (Then again… maybe it’s a rumor that there is a rumor. LOL!)

What I know… The last decade without Bruce has been an emotional roller coaster… A fine line between, being friendly, but not wanting to trigger any of the aforementioned ideas people have.

As a child, I was painfully shy. You know… I was that kid who hid under my mother’s skirts when she wanted me to meet someone new… Or the kid whose sister not only had to go on stage with me at my first piano concert, she had to introduce my song and sit between me and the audience so I could just pretend they weren’t there. I laugh now, but that is who I was, and now, while I am no longer shy, I am quite introverted and slow to warm up to new relationships.

Sadly, this has somehow come across as me thinking I am too good… too stuck up to talk to or hang out with others. (Sigh) That couldn’t be further from the truth, although I can see where that might be what others observe and assume… (I think I just need to breathe…) All I know for sure is that I am who I am, and I am comfortable with who I am… and ultimately, while these rumors are none of my business, it still hurts a little bit… I won’t lie. At the same time, I must honestly look at myself and determine if and how I want to change what others see.

I do wish there was more understanding, but how can that happen if I am the one keeping to myself?

I think this may simply be one those bumps in the road, that I just need to figure out. There is an old saying about not judging someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Yet, if that were the only way to understand me, I wouldn’t want it… I really wish no one else ever had to go down this path. And if I had only one thing to say about all of this it would be this:

Widows are just people who have been dealt a truly, awful, heavy blow. We aren’t trying to be difficult. It’s just that our world has been upended and we simply need some time (and grace) to regain our balance… Please be patient with us as we try to find our way.
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.