Most years I start writing about how hard this time of year is. It starts with our anniversary in November. Then, there is Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, the New Year, and the anniversary of Bruce’s death. It seems like I barely push myself through one “big day”, and I hardly have time to catch my breath before there is another.
Most of the time, I feel like I have come such a long way since that awful night years ago. But this time of year, I seem to cry whenever I am alone. Although I’m not really alone… I just feel so alone. The people I love are all around me, and I couldn’t ask for more support, love and (most of all) hugs. But… Bruce was my other half, and without him, there is a loneliness that sinks deep into my bones.
I am alone.
When I am sad and hurting
And need someone
To hold me
And hug me
And dry my tears;
When I need someone
To talk to
And long for someone to spend my days with…
All I have is a memory…
A shadow of what was.
I am alone.
~ Linda, 2013
I miss him… I miss everything about him… I would still give anything to have him next to me – snuggled on the couch, gazing at the lights on the tree, and talking about nothing and everything. But… for me… for us, that will never happen again. That is where the feelings of loneliness and abandonment take hold… That is where I have to fight each and everyday to push through the grief and to celebrate the love of those around me.
Everything I read says that there are no rules for holiday grief… There is no right way or wrong way to survive this time of year. They are right. I have been struggling with this for years and every year is different. I can’t even seem to rely on anything I learned from the years before to help with my current processing. It is quite literally a “one-day-at-a-time” kind of survival…
Today has been one of those days where the tears keep falling no matter how hard I keep fighting them. (To the point that I am downright mad at myself.) This is ridiculous. I should be used to this by now, but logic doesn’t seem to be working. Instead, all I want to do is crawl under the covers and stay there until after all of these big days are over. I would give my soul to feel Bruce’s arms around me – holding me close as I feel the comfort of his love just one more time.
I know there are things in my world right now that I need to address – people I need to see or talk to, a couple of gifts still to buy, and life-tasks that require my attention before the start of a new week. (sigh) But I can’t… I feel broken… fragile… There is a huge piece of my heart that is gone and finding even a sliver of peace takes everything inside me. I don’t think I can do anything more… At least, not today… Maybe tomorrow…
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.
Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!
In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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