“Heartbreak is tough, but, like the raging sea, it guides you toward the shores of wisdom and resilience.”
~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, July 15
Today, I want to take a few steps back to those first few years after Bruce died. I want to talk about how people feel inclined to let you know how they feel about your grief… Now, I am far enough down the road to give them the benefit of positive intent. However, at the time, I found it infuriating and hurtful.
It seems like from the moment he died, people wanted to tell me how to grieve. I heard everything from “Bruce wouldn’t want you to grieve” – (Great! Let’s throw some guilt into the mix, because that’s going to be so helpful.) – to “You need to praise God that Bruce is with the angels now” – (Please! That does not make me feel better… and besides, praises to a God that would do this are not on my lips in any way, shape, or fashion.)
I can remember just a few short months after his death, someone asking how I was doing and how Bruce’s Mom was doing. I responded with “Not great… I lost the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and she lost her only baby boy.” Their response? “You know you two aren’t the first ones to lose a husband or a son.”
WOW… Just wow!
It is that kind of judgement that drove me so deep inside myself, it has taken years to get my footing back and crawl out of that pit… But I did – one painful, baby step at a time… And at this juncture, I have come to realize that their judgement isn’t mine to carry or to deal with. Those demons will be theirs to figure out when or if deep grief ever enters their life.
For me, this journey has opened my eyes to a part of life that I had never encountered before, much less at this level. Sure, I had known loss before – but not the loss of someone who was so intimately entwined in every aspect of my life.
There is also something else I have learned about myself… I actually struggle with words when someone is grieving… One would think after writing this blog for years, I would know what to say… But I don’t.
Maybe it is because I know now just how empty those platitudes really are… and how hollow those words can feel. I know without a doubt that there are not any words on this planet that can take away the pain of grief… Maybe that is also why I’m not mad any more at those people who only knew to offer judgement… Maybe all of that is why I can assume those words were spoken with positive intent even if those same words only created more pain.
So… What really helped? What really made a difference and helped me find the strength I needed to crawl out of the muck?
It was those people who simply sat beside me… It was my friends who came along with me and held my hand as I went to the courthouse and banks to change the names on official documents and accounts or to close them all together. It was my sister and kids who sat on the phone for hours listening to me lament and cry, while never once trying to stop me from feeling my feelings. It was Bruce’s family who checked in on ME consistently, despite the fact that they were also grieving the loss of their son/brother/uncle.
In other words, it was the actions (not words) of people who were willing to get down in the muck with me, until I felt ready to crawl out. Then, they continued to hold my hand for balance, but they still didn’t force my progress. They stayed beside me through it all and never once made me feel like I needed to do this grief thing on their timeline.
Because of that, I have been able to work through so much grief (and all the thousands of emotions that make up grief). And while I felt like was fighting my own fight, I was never alone (emotionally) in that fight.
Sure, there were times when I was physically alone or when I felt alone. However, like a child who is scared at night in their dark bedroom, they aren’t truly alone… The people who care are simply giving them the space needed for appropriate growth… (all while sitting nearby in the next room).
That is what my people were letting me do, and there are no words to express the gratitude I feel for each of them. In fact, if not for them, I don’t know that I would feel the strength and love of life that I do now.
Obviously, I still feel grief. (I write about it here each week.) However, it isn’t where my focus is… It isn’t where I have set up camp, so to speak. Instead, it is simply a part of my life’s tapestry… A part that may look ugly to some, but to me, it is simply a reminder that I have been to hell… and survived. I have been judged… and have come out stronger on the other side.
And all of this has transpired, simply because my people love me enough to realize that this grief is my journey that must be navigated my way… And I am eternally thankful for that.
“You are strong, despite feeling broken.”
~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, July 15
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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