Tag: judgement

Peace, Love, and Grief – Strength and Judgement

“Heartbreak is tough, but, like the raging sea, it guides you toward the shores of wisdom and resilience.”
~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, July 15

Today, I want to take a few steps back to those first few years after Bruce died. I want to talk about how people feel inclined to let you know how they feel about your grief… Now, I am far enough down the road to give them the benefit of positive intent. However, at the time, I found it infuriating and hurtful.

It seems like from the moment he died, people wanted to tell me how to grieve. I heard everything from “Bruce wouldn’t want you to grieve” – (Great! Let’s throw some guilt into the mix, because that’s going to be so helpful.) – to “You need to praise God that Bruce is with the angels now” – (Please! That does not make me feel better… and besides, praises to a God that would do this are not on my lips in any way, shape, or fashion.)

I can remember just a few short months after his death, someone asking how I was doing and how Bruce’s Mom was doing. I responded with “Not great… I lost the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and she lost her only baby boy.” Their response? “You know you two aren’t the first ones to lose a husband or a son.”

WOW… Just wow!

It is that kind of judgement that drove me so deep inside myself, it has taken years to get my footing back and crawl out of that pit… But I did – one painful, baby step at a time… And at this juncture, I have come to realize that their judgement isn’t mine to carry or to deal with. Those demons will be theirs to figure out when or if deep grief ever enters their life.

For me, this journey has opened my eyes to a part of life that I had never encountered before, much less at this level. Sure, I had known loss before – but not the loss of someone who was so intimately entwined in every aspect of my life.

There is also something else I have learned about myself… I actually struggle with words when someone is grieving… One would think after writing this blog for years, I would know what to say… But I don’t.

Maybe it is because I know now just how empty those platitudes really are… and how hollow those words can feel. I know without a doubt that there are not any words on this planet that can take away the pain of grief… Maybe that is also why I’m not mad any more at those people who only knew to offer judgement… Maybe all of that is why I can assume those words were spoken with positive intent even if those same words only created more pain.

So… What really helped? What really made a difference and helped me find the strength I needed to crawl out of the muck?

It was those people who simply sat beside me… It was my friends who came along with me and held my hand as I went to the courthouse and banks to change the names on official documents and accounts or to close them all together. It was my sister and kids who sat on the phone for hours listening to me lament and cry, while never once trying to stop me from feeling my feelings. It was Bruce’s family who checked in on ME consistently, despite the fact that they were also grieving the loss of their son/brother/uncle.

In other words, it was the actions (not words) of people who were willing to get down in the muck with me, until I felt ready to crawl out. Then, they continued to hold my hand for balance, but they still didn’t force my progress. They stayed beside me through it all and never once made me feel like I needed to do this grief thing on their timeline.

Because of that, I have been able to work through so much grief (and all the thousands of emotions that make up grief). And while I felt like was fighting my own fight, I was never alone (emotionally) in that fight.

Sure, there were times when I was physically alone or when I felt alone. However, like a child who is scared at night in their dark bedroom, they aren’t truly alone… The people who care are simply giving them the space needed for appropriate growth… (all while sitting nearby in the next room).

That is what my people were letting me do, and there are no words to express the gratitude I feel for each of them. In fact, if not for them, I don’t know that I would feel the strength and love of life that I do now.

Obviously, I still feel grief. (I write about it here each week.) However, it isn’t where my focus is… It isn’t where I have set up camp, so to speak. Instead, it is simply a part of my life’s tapestry… A part that may look ugly to some, but to me, it is simply a reminder that I have been to hell… and survived. I have been judged… and have come out stronger on the other side.

And all of this has transpired, simply because my people love me enough to realize that this grief is my journey that must be navigated my way… And I am eternally thankful for that.

“You are strong, despite feeling broken.”
~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, July 15

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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Grief

Did you know that there are different types of grief? Seriously, there are! According to the internet, they are Normal grief, Anticipatory grief, Complicated grief, Sudden loss grief, Disenfranchised grief, Secondary grief, and Anniversary grief.

How crazy does that sound? It sounds ridiculous to me… grief is grief. In my opinion, when we start categorizing grief, that means we are comparing grief… And when we compare grief, we are judging it… We are deciding, which is worse? Which is harder? Which is more valid?

That is ridiculous… Just stop!

Sure, there are different triggers or ways that grief enters and presents itself, but the bottom line is – it is all grief. It all hurts. All of it is challenging.

So, let’s start at the end of the list and work our way forward…

Anniversary grief. This is referring to the anniversaries that we hold dear in relation to the person we lost. This includes the grief we feel as the day approaches, as well as the grief on “the day”. And there is the grief that lingers after. This isn’t just the first year. It is every year. It is still grief… Still hard.

Then there is Secondary grief. This is referring to the side losses… the other relationships in our life that are now changed due to that loss. For some that may be readjusting, or (for example) it could be the relationship with your in-laws. In other words, it is about how this loss affects your other relationships. These changes tend to be more gradual – changing over time… However, it is still grief (although with another relationship) … Still hard.

Next comes Disenfranchised grief. This is referring to a death where society may not understand the relationship, such as a pet or someone who has been ill for a long time. Usually this means grieving alone and without support. This sounds terrible to me… and… It is still grief… Still hard.

Then there is Sudden Loss. This is about a loss that is completely unexpected. More often than not, this involves some type of trauma. There is shock surrounding the entire event – a struggle to understand and/or accept the loss. While I believe this has been my experience, it is still grief… Still hard.

Complicated grief is next. This is grief that is intense and ongoing. This grief may make simple daily tasks seem impossible and may require therapy. Also keep in mind that grief does not have a timeline. Everyone is different, so give yourself grace to heal. Still… this is grief… And VERY hard to work through.

Anticipatory grief is next. This occurs before the actual loss. In other words, it is the grieving that starts when someone we love is facing death. In these situations, the grieving process is long since it starts before the loss occurs and continues after they are gone. The person left behind grieves twice. I have not been through this, but people I love have (or are currently experiencing this) and… It is grief… It is hard.

Finally, there is Normal grief… What?? Normal?? Grief is not normal. It is awful! References say this is “the typical reaction a person has to loss”. Please tell me which two people have experienced grief the same… No one! Grief is as individual as each of us. The references say that with normal grief, the emotions are high at first, then the person goes “back to their everyday normal life”. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! Your life will never be the same. Granted, it will go on. It will be what you make of it… But it will not “go back” to “everyday normal” life. This is still grief… It is still hard.

Sometimes I think the people who write this stuff are too far removed from the whole experience to truly understand what they are saying. At the same time, I get it. As humans, we want to put things into nice, neat categories that we can understand. However, grief is so individual that it cannot be placed into nice, neat boxes and categorized. That is why it is such a challenge.

So, let’s just be honest enough to say that grief is grief, and it is hard (period).
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Feeling Stressed

I have debated even writing today… Usually, I make sure whatever I am writing about, I can end on a positive note. However, today (this whole week, actually) I have felt stressed, and I’m not sure I have anything positive to say. But since my mission is to be honest about my journey… here I am… feeling down and not quite sure where to go with it…

I remember growing up… my grandfather loved me so much! No matter what I did, he only seemed to see the good in me… I am sure he was the same with all the grandchildren, but that is something special I will always cherish. Sadly, he passed away when I was in college. It was a loss that still haunts me to this day. At the time, I wondered if anyone would ever love and believe in me the way he did…

Then, many years later, I was blessed to meet Bruce. And once again, I found myself loved by someone who only saw the good… someone who truly showed me unconditional love… What a rare gift!

When Bruce passed, I found myself struggling in a world where people have been all too quick to tell me what is wrong with me or what I “need to fix.” At a time, when I have really needed people to simply come along and walk beside me, I have found myself under constant scrutiny and judgement.

For example, I remember being raked over the coals in front of a room of 20+ women. I left the room in tears – struggling to maintain some type of dignity while doubting my own worth. Another time, I received a five-page letter describing (in detail) all the areas where the sender found me lacking. I still do not understand why they felt the need to send it. A year ago, I was told my “lifestyle is unacceptable”… Although, I’m not even sure what that means since I’m pretty sure I am neither bad nor immoral… I work, I work out, I eat, I sleep and I love my family… (Sounds dangerous, huh?)

So, these last few days, this is where my mind has been… focused on those who choose to see something wrong with me… Not a good place, I know. I realize I am giving them way too much power in my head, but I feel like I am drowning… I am struggling to simply breathe.

I know there are many times when I am not at my best… Times when I am sad and angry and grieving… Most people who have been through this understand… The judgement I encounter seems to come from those who have not been here, but somehow, they seem “know” how they would respond if they found themselves on this same journey.

I know I shouldn’t let any of this get to me… I know “what other people think of me is none of my business.” But, when the judgement comes from people you love (and you wish could truly love you back), it can be a little hard to ignore. In fact, even as I write this, the tears are still building and falling…

How do I stop it? How do I decide what others think really doesn’t matter? How do I remind myself that Bruce saw in me a woman worth loving?

I know I will spend this week, working on just that… working on remembering that Bruce loved me… That there are people (even now) who still love me… And the people who choose to judge me? Well… I need to remind myself that I can still love them without taking their judgement into my heart.

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Have you ever found yourself wishing others could be more patient and less judgmental? Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the criticism (part 2)

Last week we started looking at criticism. As I said then, this was one of the first things I experienced on my grief journey, and the idea that anyone would criticize someone when they are already in such pain really threw me for a loop. Initially, I took the criticism in and let it become a part of me. However, within the first year I learned three things that still help me whenever I feel criticized or judged. (Please see last week’s blog for more details on these points.)

1. Believe in myself.
2. Recognize where the criticism is coming from and if respect is a factor.
3. Remember this is my life and no one else’s.

These have become the foundation for what I want to share today… What I learned in years two and three…

During the second year, I started listening to an incredible, motivational and spiritual speaker and author, Dr. Wayne Dyer. If you have never listened to or read his works, I highly suggest doing so. He spoke quite often on how to handle criticism by leaving it behind.

Two of the points he makes have become mantras for me whenever the feedback or criticism I encounter feels disrespectful. The first one is a reminder that what others think of me is none of my business. This one is huge… And it has just enough humor in it to remind me to laugh when I may be on the verge of tears.

The second point states, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” For me this one is important to keep in mind, no matter which side of the feedback or criticism I find myself (and we have all been on both sides). While there is a need and place for respectful feedback, this is a reminder that judgement is never valid because it actually speaks volumes about the person giving it rather than the the person being judged.

Throughout my second year (and beyond), these have become my core mantras whenever I find myself inclined to take the criticism into myself and make it a part of myself. Instead, I remind myself of the fact that just because someone says something does not make it true. My job is to look for respect in their words. If it isn’t there, I can move on without batting an eye. If it is there, then I can look a little deeper to see if what is being said matches what I am seeking to accomplish in this life. From there, I can dig deep and make adjustments, if needed. If not, I move on – no problems… no worries.

While I have read Rob Bell’s books before, year three found me actually studying more and more of what he has to say. I also found myself listening to many of his sermons, podcasts and videos. He is someone who by merely questioning mainstream religious thought became a target of a lot of criticism. However, it never stopped him from doing what he feels drawn to do…

I laugh as he compares criticism to paper cuts and Nerf bullets. That visual has helped me so many times when I find myself on the receiving end… It helps me to simply smile as I move on. In fact, some of his best advice is to do exacty that:
“Ignore the criticism – do what you’re meant to do… and then just keep doing it.”

This was really an extension of year two, so once I had that down pat, I felt another challenge by his words. He, also. states, “Have a thick skin and a soft heart.” The “thick skin” he refers to means I do not take it in and make it a part of myself if it doesn’t belong there… I understood that part in year one. But the second part about having a “soft heart” proved to be harder. At first, I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. Then, I heard him explain, “Do not defend yourself… look for the question behind the question. What else is ‘in the room?'”

In other words, if what someone says in judgement is really more about them, then what is that? What is really going on inside their heart? And… What can I do to help them? Now that is a challenge!

This final thought from Wayne Dyer has really helped me pull it all together so that I can live it day to day. “That which offends you only weakens you. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place – so transcend your ego and stay in peace.”

In other words, stop looking for reasons to be offended. Besides being a huge waste of energy, concentrating on the details of the criticism only seeks to find validity where there is none. Instead, if I respond with peace, grace and love… and then simply keep doing what I am meant to do, life works much better… for all of us…

This is what I meant a few weeks ago when I said the divine energy within each of us can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance we are seeking from the world around us.

Shalom, my friends!

Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s Love
to the world around you.
~ Linda, February 2016

What about you? Did you struggle with criticism or judgement after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the criticism (part 1)

I am me.
I am the only me that will ever be.
God made me to be unique.
This is my life –
a gift just for me from God.
No one else can live it.
No one else really knows how I should live it.
God will show me.
God will be patient and guide my steps.
I am me.
I want to live the unique life God intended for me…
A unique gift…
for me…
from God.
~ Linda, Sept. 2013

One of the first things I experienced on this grief journey that threw me for a loop was the number of people who felt the need to tell me how to live… and (in my perception) criticized me when I didn’t do things their way.

Let me back up though… This experience really does have two sides, and we have all experienced both sides. When we are on the “giving” side we call it “giving sound advice,” or “providing feedback.” We mean well, and we believe we are “being helpful.” However, when we are on the “receiving” end and did not ask for the “helpful advice or feedback,” we call it critism or judgement… and many times, it does not feel good.

In fact, at the beginning of this journey, this unsolicited advice and opinions actually made me feel worse. I found that for every piece of advice telling me to do “this,” there was someone else telling me to do “that.” Sometimes I didn’t know what I wanted and other times I knew exactly what I wanted… and the funny part is, usually it wasn’t “this” or “that.”

With that in mind, you can understand that what I perceived fairly quickly was – I couldn’t win no matter what I did, so I might as well do it my way. This was fine, but it didn’t stop the hurt. In my heart, I knew I needed to do something more.

When it comes to the details of what was said to me, I have no intention of making a list here. That is not important in this discussion. What is important is how I have learned to deal with the criticism… and that journey has been a long one.

The First Year

I’ve always hated conflict. So did Bruce… Because of that, we rarely argued. (I’m not saying this was good or bad; it is just the way it was.) As a consequesnce, I didn’t know how to navigate this new conflict in my life. I wasn’t really sure what to do with it or how to handle it.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to distingush why some opinions mattered more to me than others. I found that it really boiled down to the relationship… did it come from someone I love, a casual friendship or merely an acquaintance?

While I’ve really never been one to bow to peer pressure, up until this time, I had always erred on the side of being a “pleaser” with those closest to me. They mattered to me… Their opinions mattered to me. Therefore, their opinions and words had a lot more impact, either positive or negative.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to start believing in myself.

According to research, most “pleasers” tend to have a lower self-esteem. I’m not using that as an excuse. In fact, at first I didn’t really believe it. However, once I actually started “peeling the onion,” I realized I had some work to do within myself.

While I knew that my first marriage had left me doubting my self-worth and value, my marriage to Bruce had been just the opposite. He had done so much to build me up. I had become so much stronger during our time together. What I had failed to realize, though, was my self-esteem and value were now just as tightly wrapped up in what Bruce thought of me. Suddenly, without him there to keep reaffirming that, I felt lost… Because my strength and value were not coming from my core, there I was doubting myself and my own value once again.

My first step that first year was to start re-shaping and believing in my own opinion of myself. I am not talking about conceit or ego. I am referring to an understanding of the fact that God created me and loves me just as I am in this moment… If He can do that, I need to be willing to do the same. To help me accomplish this, I started an affirmation board.

I called these my “Intentions,” because it was my intention to start believing in myself without anyone else’s validation. Everytime I had a positive thought or ran across an affirming quote I would add it to the poster… I still do. In fact, it hangs in my bathroom where I can see it in the mirror as I get dressed each morning… On days when I am feeling down about myself, I read through it and remind myself that with or without Bruce, no matter what anyone else says or thinks… I have value, and I am a beloved child of God.

intentions

The next thing I had to learn that year was to distinguish where those opinions and advice were coming from… Were these words being spoken out of love and kindness? Or was it something else? While I can never know someone else’s intent, I do know if what they are saying feels respectful or not. When there is respect, I do not feel threatened or belittled. I don’t feel “shut-down” or a need to defend myself. Instead, I feel safe to discuss the topic.

So, respect became my distinguishing factor.

Was the other person respectful of my situation? My grief? Me? If the answers to these questions are “yes,” then I know I need to consider what is being said. Ultimately though, whether I agree or not is up to me… and the other person, if they are truly respectful, will be okay with that, too.

The last thing I came to understand that first year was the idea that this is my life… no one else’s.

Everyone around me may have an opinion on what they believe I should or should not do, but when all is said and done, I am the only one that will know in my gut and in my soul what is right for me… and that is the path I must take.

How do I know what that path is? This may seem over-simplified, but I ask myself two basic questions… 1. Am I at peace with this? And 2. Does this bring me joy?

When I can answer yes to these two questions, odds are I am on the right path for me.

That first year I learned to have faith and confidence in myself, to distinguish between loving words and unkind criticism and that peace and joy are indicators that I am on the right path for me. That was huge for me! I never would have thought that learning to love and accept myself would be such a huge part of my grief journey, but it has been.

In fact, I have come to understand that in every trial there is a lesson to be learned if I am open to it, because growth doesn’t happen when things are easy…

Growth happens when things get tough, and we have to stretch in order to keep moving forward.

Today, I have shared my first steps for dealing with criticism. Each year, I have gained more insight into dealing with the criticism I felt so intensely on my grief journey. Next week (God willing), I will share a little bit more in Part 2.

What about you? Did you struggle with criticism or judgement after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences, go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog. For daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Yes, and…

I think one of the hardest parts of grieving is the constant feeling of being judged. I know… I’ve talked about this several times before but only because it IS such a constant phenomenon. There seems to be so many people are SO sure they would do things “different,” (aka – “better”). In fact when this whole thing started, I think I even had that same thought process… I was determined… I would to go to a support group, “get better,” and learn to be a “good widow.” HA! What a load of craziness!

At about the 9 – 10 month point, I remember having a conversation with someone that went something like this…

Them: How are you doing this week?

Me: Okay… trying to get get through each day… still really sad and angry. It’s just still so hard to believe this is all real. I just don’t want to accept it.

Them: How about Bruce’s Mom? How is she?

Me: About the same… She is trying, but she is really hurting.

Silence.

Me: She lost her son… that’s not the natural order of things… I think she is struggling… I think she is still deeply grieving. Who could blame her?

Them: Humph… Well,… you two need to remember that you are not the first people to lose a husband or a son. (All the while, this person’s spouse is sitting right beside them and all of their children are alive and well.)

At the time I was so offended by the callousness of those words, I had to end the conversation or risk being rude. Since that day, I have recalled those words many times, and they have always managed to hit me wrong… up until this week.

This week I had one of those moments when I could say, “Yes… and…”

What is “Yes,and?” It is method I have used in meetings and training sessions when I want participants to feel comfortable offering ideas without worry of being made to feel dumb or silly.

It works like this – Whenever someone puts an idea “on the table,” whether the next person agrees or not, they are not allowed to judge or critique the previous idea. Instead, they may only add their idea to “the pile” by saying, “Yes, and… (fill in with another idea.)”

This has always been a great way to get a lot of thoughts and opinions out in the open without confrontation. Then, once all the ideas have been “safely” offered, the real conversation can begin as we add and mix all the ideas and come up with the best solution available… And all because a “safety zone” was created around the initial communication of ideas.

I can’t remember exactly what I was listening to when it hit me, but suddenly I realized…

I can still end any conversation if that is necessary. However, instead of being angry or frustrated when people say things that are hurtful, what if, instead, I responded in my heart with, “Yes and… (fill in with the reality and ideas).”

So right now… today… I want to go back to that conversation and turn it around. In my heart, I can hear it this way now…

Them: Humph… Well,… you two need to remember that you are not the first people to lose a husband or a son. (All the while, this person’s spouse is sitting right beside them and all of their children are alive and well.)

Me: Yes, that is true… and because I am not the only one, I can now (3 years later) offer to walk beside someone who is new on this journey. Someone who is hurting, or lost, or angry… Whatever they are feeling, I am now able to come along beside them, either physically or by way of this blog and say, “I am here too. You are not alone. Let me walk beside you. Let me offer you comfort in knowing that you are not alone and together we can figure this out.”

Yes, and trust me when I say…

There is a peace that comes with acceptance,
And a love that is always remembered.
Linda, Sept. 2013

Yes, and… What about you? Are you struggling on this journey? Looking for another soul to walk beside you? OR are you at a point where you are ready to come along and walk beside another?

This is our virtual community. Let us reach out to another. Let us offer the support we know is needed on this journey… Let us not leave anyone to do this alone when there are so many of us out there.

To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities.

Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… That’s just not true, (so don’t listen)

(Re) Construction Zone Warning:
This area may look like an emotional mess as I work towards recovering from my grief.
Some days the mess you see will look worse than it really is.
Other days it will look better than it really is.
But most days it will look exactly as it really is… emotional chaos…
Until I have worked through my grief,
Please… just send love and understanding.

~ Linda, October 7, 2013

Grief is a crazy thing… and people’s reactions to it are just as crazy. If you are grieving, I will bet some of this will ring true…

So many times over the past 2.5 years I have been confronted with other people’s opinions (aka judgments) about how I grieve. So many times I became frustrated knowing that no matter how I grieve – whatever I did – there would be someone to pick it apart. Learning how to deal with those (and any) judgments is what I want to talk about today, because if we can learn not to listen, we can heal so much better.

Throughout my journey, I have encountered some statements that, honestly, are hard to believe. If it weren’t for the fact that they were actually said in earnest, they would almost be laughable… like a line out of a comedy sitcom. To give you an idea, here are a few paraphrased examples:

* You need to keep in mind that you aren’t the only person to have ever lost a spouse.

* You don’t have it so bad – you can always replace a husband.

* I can’t imagine what it must be like to not have anyone need you. (Usually followed by)… What in the world do you do with yourself?

* You’re not dating yet? Well, I guess, you don’t look too bad yet. I suppose, you can risk waiting a little bit longer.

* I have received countless letters, messages, emails and lectures listing all the things that (according to someone else) are “wrong” with me.

* I have even had a few people contact me to say they wanted to become my friend so they could “fix me.”

I am learning to laugh when I hear these things… How else is a person supposed to respond? If we really think about it, does anyone believe these people thought about what they were saying before they said it? I doubt it… Although, I am pretty sure they thought they were “helping.”

It is also important to understand that none of these things were ever said in contempt. (In my heart, I know that.) I choose to believe that each person was trying to help in their own way… They just happen to be completely oblivious to the damage left in their wake.

Here is where the problem begins… Adding any of this “stuff” to someone’s plate when that person is already grieving and heartbroken is generally a bad idea. At least for me, it was.

I’m not angry anymore… but I was. I have struggled over the years not to internalize these things and make them a part of me. To cope, I would put some distance or completely break off most of these relationships.

Let’s be real for a little while, because this doesn’t just affect me… or mourners. For whatever reason, we have become a society that loves to look at each other and make a judgment… a judgment that makes us feel better about ourselves. But how fair is that? What is the point? Does it really help make the world a better place?

We are all aware that we have all done this at some point in time, and we do it for different reasons… There may be some people who think they are doing God some kind of favor by judging others for Him or perhaps they believe they will “win souls over to God.” However, most of us grew up in a culture that told us: we-are-better-because-we-don’t-do-whatever-you/they-are-doing…

However, no one is without their own struggles, and none of these thought processes are productive or loving… none of them creates peace. Instead, divisiveness becomes the result.

The God that I worship created me as I am. He is well aware of who I am… all of me – the good and the bad. I sincerely believe he adores me, as well as every other person he has created. He loves us and celebrates over us, regardless of our circumstances or choices.

So what do we do when someone chooses to toss their judgment our way? Or when we are tempted to throw our own judgment in someone else’s direction?

Well,that my friends, depends on each of us. Look deep inside… What are you afraid of? How do you respond to stress?

Like anyone else, I have not perfected this… I am learning. So, when I find myself ready to judge someone else, I have to stop, take a breath and remember that we all respond to life based on our own experiences. Like fingerprints, no two people will ever share those experiences precisely… not even siblings.

I also know that I can never change anyone else. The only person I can change is me… so that is where I begin. I strive to change my attitude toward that person by reminding myself that we are all divine creations… I need to look at them in compassion and let go.

On the other side, when judgment is tossed my way, I need to recognize my natural tendency to hide or run away. I know my natural reaction is to act like everything is fine in the moment, and then avoid that person at all costs afterward. But how healthy is that?

It’s not, in case you were wondering… I believe that is one of the lessons I am meant to learn on this journey.

I have learned a few quotes that are helpful when it comes to this whole judgment thing. The first comes from Wayne Dyer, a spiritual/motivational speaker, and was one of Bruce’s favorites, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

There is another one from the Tao Te Ching which states, “Those who know do not speak. And those who speak do not know.”

What wonderfully simple ways to look at judgment… no matter which end you are on.

When I can keep these simple statements in mind… when I can remember that just because someone says something does not make it true, then I am able to overlook, forgive and have compassion for the other person. Then, I can move past those statements without making them a part of who I am… without any damage being inflicted.

And that, my friends, is when I grow…

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.