Tag: judgment

Peace, Love, and Grief… Grief Shaming

Last week when I wrote about our adventure to celebrate Bruce’s birthday, I mentioned that we took a ghost tour, which wasn’t…That is where I want to start today. (I will go ahead and put it out there that some of you may be skeptics about some of this story. However, I think the point of the story is something all of us who have grieved have felt at some point in our journey.)

So, on the first night of our trip, my daughter had scheduled a ghost tour. We were just looking for a fun time… nothing more. Ghost tours have always been something we enjoyed and so did Bruce. It seemed like wherever we went, he would always find one for us… And it was always fun. For him, the best part was that my daughter and I seem to have a thing with spirits and people who have passed. I don’t want to go into details, and you can call it my deep southern heritage, but there has been more than one “encounter” that has left me shaken.

As I said, we were just looking for fun and some good stories… That was it. However, we didn’t get one single ghost story associated with any house on the tour. The lady simply took us all over town talking about the real estate, the job market, and the flora and fauna of the area. All we wanted was a story… she could have made it up. We didn’t care. This wasn’t science class… We weren’t there for facts. However, even though we gave her plenty of opportunities to make up stories to answer our questions, we never got a story.

The closest she came to a story was to say, “See this house… I get a feeling around this house.” (That is not a ghost story, in my book.) Then she would show us a bunch of pictures that just looked blurry when she tried to enlarge them and show us the “spirits” she had captured with her phone… Neither of us could make out anything in the pictures. They just looked like blurry windows and door frames.

At one point on the tour, two things happened almost simultaneously. First, she started telling a story about her late father. According to her, after he died, he would randomly ring her doorbell. (I am not arguing that part. I think there is a lot about the world we don’t understand. Plus, I have my own “Bruce” encounters. So, I am not one to judge.)

A few moments later, she was showing us another blurry picture, when I finally spoke up and said, “I’m sorry. I just don’t see what you see. I think I need these things to be really clear and ‘in my face’ for me to see it.” Then, I shared a picture from one of my own “Bruce encounters” where you can see the outline of his body standing next to me and leaving an impression in the curtains. (Despite how this may sound, I’m not crazy. Neither do I want to dwell on or defend this part of the story.)

She looked shocked and asked how I did that. I told her it wasn’t me… It was Bruce. Then she asked, “Well, have you told him it is okay for him to go? That he should go rest in peace? That you are fine without him? … That is what we did with my father and the doorbell ringing stopped.”

“No,” I answered. “I haven’t, and I won’t. I’m not okay without him. I need him to stay here… with me.”

Oh my goodness! If looks could kill. She wasn’t just appalled… She was quite upset with me. I guess in her mind, she had done the right thing… And I was doing the wrong thing. Evidently, I did not deal with my loss in the same way she had, and in her book, that was just plain wrong.

Now, I’m not here to discuss or argue whether my encounters are real or not… or whether it is really Bruce or could be explained some other way. Honestly, it doesn’t matter, because as crazy as it may sound, it brings me comfort to think that he is still here with me.

What I am talking about is her reaction… That, my friends, is grief shaming.

I have written about it before, although I have never given it a name. Whether you give it a name or not, though, doesn’t matter. The point is – this type of judgement is extremely hurtful.

So, what is grief shaming? Well, it is that judgment reaction from others when they are sure they know how you should grieve (and for how long). It is grief advice from someone who is sure they know the right way to grieve, and you are doing it wrong.

Let me just say… from someone who has been on the receiving end many times, this is mean. It is thoughtless… And it is cruel.

Here is the truth… Grief is hard, and it has no time limit. It is as individual as each of us. No two people will ever grieve the same, even if they are grieving the same person. Grief has to do with your relationship with that person, as well as, your past loss experiences, your support system, your faith and beliefs, and a myriad of other details. Let me also say that while there are circumstances where someone who is grieving may be struggling, that still doesn’t mean they are doing it wrong… It simply means they are struggling… And support is needed – not judgment.

Bottom line… There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no set amount of time when you should be “over it”. Instead, feel your way through it… Take it as slow or as fast as you are comfortable… and allow others who are grieving to do the same.

I have learned a lot on this journey – mostly about myself… what I think about life… and love… and my faith. I have learned that loss is hard, and grief is even harder. However, now a days, I can say that there are more good days than bad. Admittedly, I still constantly find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… That’s just not true, (so don’t listen)

(Re) Construction Zone Warning:
This area may look like an emotional mess as I work towards recovering from my grief.
Some days the mess you see will look worse than it really is.
Other days it will look better than it really is.
But most days it will look exactly as it really is… emotional chaos…
Until I have worked through my grief,
Please… just send love and understanding.

~ Linda, October 7, 2013

Grief is a crazy thing… and people’s reactions to it are just as crazy. If you are grieving, I will bet some of this will ring true…

So many times over the past 2.5 years I have been confronted with other people’s opinions (aka judgments) about how I grieve. So many times I became frustrated knowing that no matter how I grieve – whatever I did – there would be someone to pick it apart. Learning how to deal with those (and any) judgments is what I want to talk about today, because if we can learn not to listen, we can heal so much better.

Throughout my journey, I have encountered some statements that, honestly, are hard to believe. If it weren’t for the fact that they were actually said in earnest, they would almost be laughable… like a line out of a comedy sitcom. To give you an idea, here are a few paraphrased examples:

* You need to keep in mind that you aren’t the only person to have ever lost a spouse.

* You don’t have it so bad – you can always replace a husband.

* I can’t imagine what it must be like to not have anyone need you. (Usually followed by)… What in the world do you do with yourself?

* You’re not dating yet? Well, I guess, you don’t look too bad yet. I suppose, you can risk waiting a little bit longer.

* I have received countless letters, messages, emails and lectures listing all the things that (according to someone else) are “wrong” with me.

* I have even had a few people contact me to say they wanted to become my friend so they could “fix me.”

I am learning to laugh when I hear these things… How else is a person supposed to respond? If we really think about it, does anyone believe these people thought about what they were saying before they said it? I doubt it… Although, I am pretty sure they thought they were “helping.”

It is also important to understand that none of these things were ever said in contempt. (In my heart, I know that.) I choose to believe that each person was trying to help in their own way… They just happen to be completely oblivious to the damage left in their wake.

Here is where the problem begins… Adding any of this “stuff” to someone’s plate when that person is already grieving and heartbroken is generally a bad idea. At least for me, it was.

I’m not angry anymore… but I was. I have struggled over the years not to internalize these things and make them a part of me. To cope, I would put some distance or completely break off most of these relationships.

Let’s be real for a little while, because this doesn’t just affect me… or mourners. For whatever reason, we have become a society that loves to look at each other and make a judgment… a judgment that makes us feel better about ourselves. But how fair is that? What is the point? Does it really help make the world a better place?

We are all aware that we have all done this at some point in time, and we do it for different reasons… There may be some people who think they are doing God some kind of favor by judging others for Him or perhaps they believe they will “win souls over to God.” However, most of us grew up in a culture that told us: we-are-better-because-we-don’t-do-whatever-you/they-are-doing…

However, no one is without their own struggles, and none of these thought processes are productive or loving… none of them creates peace. Instead, divisiveness becomes the result.

The God that I worship created me as I am. He is well aware of who I am… all of me – the good and the bad. I sincerely believe he adores me, as well as every other person he has created. He loves us and celebrates over us, regardless of our circumstances or choices.

So what do we do when someone chooses to toss their judgment our way? Or when we are tempted to throw our own judgment in someone else’s direction?

Well,that my friends, depends on each of us. Look deep inside… What are you afraid of? How do you respond to stress?

Like anyone else, I have not perfected this… I am learning. So, when I find myself ready to judge someone else, I have to stop, take a breath and remember that we all respond to life based on our own experiences. Like fingerprints, no two people will ever share those experiences precisely… not even siblings.

I also know that I can never change anyone else. The only person I can change is me… so that is where I begin. I strive to change my attitude toward that person by reminding myself that we are all divine creations… I need to look at them in compassion and let go.

On the other side, when judgment is tossed my way, I need to recognize my natural tendency to hide or run away. I know my natural reaction is to act like everything is fine in the moment, and then avoid that person at all costs afterward. But how healthy is that?

It’s not, in case you were wondering… I believe that is one of the lessons I am meant to learn on this journey.

I have learned a few quotes that are helpful when it comes to this whole judgment thing. The first comes from Wayne Dyer, a spiritual/motivational speaker, and was one of Bruce’s favorites, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

There is another one from the Tao Te Ching which states, “Those who know do not speak. And those who speak do not know.”

What wonderfully simple ways to look at judgment… no matter which end you are on.

When I can keep these simple statements in mind… when I can remember that just because someone says something does not make it true, then I am able to overlook, forgive and have compassion for the other person. Then, I can move past those statements without making them a part of who I am… without any damage being inflicted.

And that, my friends, is when I grow…

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.