August 2023 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Love and Trust

Love is love is love…

I started writing this blog in January 20015. Bruce had been gone for two years, and I was still drowning in grief. However, because it had been two years, many people were subtly hinting that I should be over it… I should have moved on already. Grief, though, moves at its own pace. It doesn’t have an “off” switch. It requires time, but the amount of time varies. There are a lot of factors that are in play, mostly personal factors, which means the grief we experience is different for each person… even if you are grieving the same person.

So, on New Years Day 2015, I had an old acquaintance suggest that perhaps writing this blog would give me an outlet for my grief… So, here I am many years later, and this space really has become my safe place to express my feelings and share my journey.

It’s funny… There have been many times, I have thought about the fact that when I write about Bruce, he sounds perfect… like a saint… I even call him my hero. Honestly, the longer he is gone, the more perfect he becomes in my heart. Yet, to keep things honest, he was human. We had our disagreements. We even had an argument (or two). Yet even those not-so-great experiences were vastly different than any I had previously known.

First, in all our years together, I only saw Bruce lose his temper once, and it wasn’t directed at me. Someone he loved dearly had hurt him deeply. When he tried to talk about it, he couldn’t. Instead, I watched as the turmoil inside him bubbled over – he turned away from me, yanked the smoke detector out of the wall, slammed it on the counter, and stormed off to bed.

None of it was directed at me. I wasn’t hurt – simply startled… but of course, my own past experiences from my first marriage flooded my mind. In fact, it was the unhealed emotions created in both our pasts that created that moment.

Yet, there was something different that helped us work through it and come out stronger on the other side. What was that? Trust… We didn’t just love each other; we trusted each other – implicitly. That, I believe, is what made the difference. Neither of us ever expected the other to be perfect, (although, my memory tends to remember him that way). We simply needed honesty and accountability. We just needed the other person to be a loving, safe space to land when we felt lost.

Sometimes I wonder if my tendency to make him sound perfect is because of how things were between us when he died… For example, when he and I discussed our first marriages, we talked about the things that contributed to the end of those relationships – the hurt and the distrust. I think we remember the negative parts of those relationships the strongest because that was the state of those relationships when they ended.

However, when Bruce died, our relationship was good – filled with love, compassion, and trust… lots of trust…

Not once, in all the years we were together, did either of us ever push outside the boundaries of a disagreement. We might have taken breaks in the discussion to keep the conversation rational and focused on a peaceful outcome, but we always managed to come back together to discuss the topic at hand – listening closely to what the other one was saying… and not saying. We didn’t dredge up past mistakes or arguments, and neither of us ever got physical, or made any type of threat to leave the relationship. Both of us were all in, and willing to work at making things right for us and between us.

That was new for me. I think that is why it sticks out in my mind so clearly. I have been in so many relationships where manipulation and/or threats to leave are common versus truly working to come to a healthy space. Speaking from experience, those threats and manipulations do nothing but create distrust… They create a relationship that is not honest, but instead is out of balance and unhealthy for all involved.

I think that is why I talk about Bruce’s legacy of unconditional love. He exemplified everything I had always wanted to believe about love. He showed me that you can love someone and still be your own person. You don’t need to give up pieces of yourself in order for the other person to love you. Real love between two people creates a safe space for laughter and for disagreements, because it is a space filled with trust.

That is what I think I miss the most… that loving space with another person where we are both safe to be ourselves… in good times and in bad… And creating that space for us is why Bruce will always be my “perfect” hero.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief… Thoughts on Grief…

Some days are better than others. Some weeks are better than others. Earlier this week was a bit on the rough side. Maybe I was just tired, or maybe it was some not-so-great news that I need to deal with, or maybe it just was what it was… I have no real gut feeling about why or what… All I can say is there were some rough days where my emotions were all over the place.

One moment I was so sad – inconsolably sad. The next, I was fine – steady, strong, balanced. Then, within the blink of an eye, I would be so angry… It was like all the first year’s emotions but in the space of a few days and cycling over and over.

This was a first for me… Usually, I know what the trigger is, and am able to fight ruminating over That. This… This was new… This was different, and I wasn’t sure how to cope. So, I have found myself doing a lot of meditating and self-care.

Given that I am working on me this weekend, I thought I would do something a little bit different. Several months after Bruce died, poetry became one of the most healing ways to express myself… It has provided a marvelous outlet for so many emotions. So, I thought I would share one poem from each year since Bruce died.

September 2013

I dance with you in my mind.
You hold me next to you.
I feel your heartbeat and the strength of your arms.
As the music plays,
We move gently and gracefully as one.
Then, it ends with a kiss,
As I wish for one more dance.

I laugh with you in my dreams.
I see your sweet smile,
And your kind and gentle eyes.
I hear you start to chuckle.
Your smile grows.
Then, you wink at me,
As I wish for more laughter

I make love with you in my heart.
I feel your strength and your gentleness.
Your compassion and love flow into me
With every touch and each sweet kiss.

We become one in that moment.
Then I lay in your arms
As you hold me close,
Gently kissing my lips, my eyes, and my fingertips
As I wish for one more loving moment with you
One more dance…
One more laugh…
One more chance to love you…

Then, I realize, these are always within me…
Because I have loved you,
As you have loved me.

January 2014

Like a sailboat without a rudder,
I float along.
The wind blows the sails,
But I cannot control where I go.

I am lost…
There is no hope,
No direction.
I cry out for help,
But there is no one to hear…
No one to care…
No one to help.
Just the wind and the endless sea.

Where am I going?
Where will I end up?

I cannot say.
I do not know.
I just sit,
And watch the wind carry me where it will,
As I cry and fill this ocean with my tears.

January 2015

My soul cries…
The agony is beyond words.
I feel your soul answer in response.

Why?
Why are we on opposite planes?
Why can’t I feel you,
Hold you,
Hear you,
See you…

This is a pain so intense.
So deep,
It cannot be healed.
It is my soul crying out for yours…

February 2016

My heart breaks every day,
When I awake
And remember that I am here…
And you are gone.

April 2017

I can’t believe you are no longer here…

… No longer looking at the same blue sky.
… No longer smelling the fresh air of morning.
… No longer feeling the sand under your feet.
… No longer looking at the same moon
Of smelling the salt air
Or hearing the whisper of the wind.

… No longer able to share any experiences.
… No longer a part of the world.
… No longer a part of my world.

Will this ever feel normal?

January 2018

They lie…
Time heals nothing.
It still hurts…
And I don’t know how to make it stop.

I’ve learned to smile at the world.
I’ve learned to push the hurt down and say,
“I’m fine”
But it still hurts…

I have learned to laugh again.
I have learned to find joy
in quiet moments
Spent with those I love.
But it still hurts.

I think it will probably always hurt…
Simply because you aren’t here.

August 2019

Push those feelings down.
It’s been too long.
Don’t talk about it!

Push them down!

Why can’t you let him go?
What’s wrong with you?
Is this normal?

Push those feelings down!

Push them down…
And when you come up for air…
Be sure you are smiling.

October 2020

All my life,
I knew you were missing.
Then like a miracle,
You were there.

And…
Just as suddenly,
You were gone…

My soul cries.

September 2021

This week
I have missed you,
And
I have remembered you.

I have cried for you,
And
I have danced with you.

I am tired of hurting,
But
I’m not tired of loving you!

March 2022

Why does it still hurt so badly?
I would give anything
For a word of encouragement
Or a long hug…
From you.

I am drowning.
I come up for air,
But it isn’t enough…
Then, I am back down,
Struggling for one more breath.

I sit here in the silence,
Praying for the sound of
Your truck in the driveway,
Your footstep on the porch,
Or your key in the lock.

But they never come…
Always… just this unending,
Damnable silence.

January 2023

I miss you,
And my heart is breaking…
Again.

I miss you,
And the tears are falling…
Again.

I miss you,
And I am all alone…
Again.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are.

Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Finding the Positive?

“The challenges we face and live through can either break us, or mold us and help us grow.”
~ Sheri McGregor, Done with the Crying

I am old enough, at this point in life, to understand that growth – personal growth – doesn’t happen when life is all sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows. Have you ever heard someone tell a “how I got here” story that didn’t involve at least a little bit of struggle? I doubt it, because that wouldn’t be a story of personal accomplishment or victory. Even the stories we read must contain a bit of conflict for the characters to grow and evolve.

Why? Because we grow when we are stretched. We grow through the brokenness of pain. We grow when we are pushed a little harder than we thought we could manage or survive. It’s hard – not easy. It’s painful – not a day at the park. In fact, to be honest, there have been many times in life when I thought I would not survive the current situation and begged God to please, just make it stop… Just give me a moment to breathe. At the same time, I believe there are hard lessons in life that must be learned, and so, (evidently), I remain a student of life.

I have shared that I have had some hard losses this year. While I am not comfortable yet talking about the details, I can say that the grief and pain have been overwhelming. I have been working with a counselor, who these past few weeks, has been pushing me to look for the positives. I have to say, that has felt impossible, but I am trying. She has also encouraged the same for my grief for Bruce. Again… it feels impossible.

How do you find anything good or positive in the loss of a person you love?

Then, I read something earlier this week that has helped me tremendously. I read about a process called, Wabi-sabi. Wabi-sabi is a Japanese concept all about embracing the beauty of the imperfect, which in fact, shows up in a lot of Japanese art.

For example… After the work of shaping a piece pottery, that piece must be placed in a kiln and fired. Sometimes, though, the firing process causes the pottery to crack. Most of us (at least me) would think it was ruined, toss it, and start again.

However, using the concept of Wabi-sabi, the artist will mend the cracks using melted gold to fill the cracks. By doing so, the artist is able to make something of beauty… something positive out of something imperfect… And to take it one step further, this gold used to fill the cracks, actually creates strength in a once-weakened vessel.

“The idea of Wabi-sabi is embracing mistakes, artfully incorporating the happenstance, and making strength from weakness.”
~ Sheri McGregor, Done with the Crying

When I read about Wabi-sabi, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The goal is not to find good things about the traumatic or awful events. No… The goal is to look at the current circumstances that remain after that loss and not give up or give in. It is about finding a way forward that is good and positive… and makes me a better… stronger person.

For me, this means looking at the pieces of my life and choosing to find a way to make something beautiful out of my life, despite Bruce’s death and the pain of this year’s losses. It’s about not giving up… not quitting. It’s about my story… What kind of legacy do I want to leave?

I don’t know exactly what that will look like for me… and I definitely don’t know what that might look like for you, but I am willing to try. I am willing to pick up those pieces of my life and create something intriguing… something beautiful… something with meaning.

For me, that means I need to be willing to look for and appreciate the beauty in all things, especially those parts of me that appear broken beyond repair. It also means keeping life simple and taking it as slow as I need so that I can remember and feel the joy of what it means to be alive.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Belonging

“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” ~ Brené Brown

One of the first things I remember struggling with as a new widow was the whole marital status question. Sure, on most forms there is a “widow” box ready to be checked. I remember the first time I checked that box. It was an extremely emotional moment. It was as if the reality of my situation came crashing in by acknowledging that as my new marital status.

However, that was only the beginning…

Suddenly, I found myself in a world where I struggle to figure out where I belong, (and many people around me do, as well). For me, I still felt married back then, and I still feel married now. Yes, I am well aware that Bruce is dead. Yet, what my head knows doesn’t always factor into my heart. Love isn’t a switch to be turned on and off. Love just is… And I still love Bruce. In fact, to this day, I still wear my wedding ring on my hand, (as well as his ring which hangs on a chain around my neck). There have been periods of time in the past when I have taken it off, because I thought I should. Yet, I always end up putting it back on. It is a beautiful reminder of us… Plus, it just feels right.

That’s me… But what about the people around me?

I think, at times, this may be even harder for them. People tend to feel comfortable putting things into categories – categories they are familiar with or understand. This allows people to put their world “in order”. Yet, it often means that while the widow is struggling to find a space where they belong, the people around us are doing the same when it comes to us… They often need us to be either married or not married. They need us to fit into one of these categories. This “kind-of, sort-of, I-don’t-know” doesn’t work for them, so eventually, they will make a choice for us in their own minds and act accordingly.

So, what’s the problem? Well, on our end, it can vary, but just imagine for a moment, going to a “couples’ event”. If I show up, (since I still feel married), how does that work for them? Now, this space for couples holds an odd number, because physically, (no matter how I feel), I am only one person. This can mess up all kinds of things when the event is designed for truly, physical couples.

Here’s another one… At any event, there are people (male and female) who have a belief that widows are on the make… As if our only thought in the world is to replace this person we have lost… with one of theirs. (I’m not saying this never happens, but honestly, I think it is a rare occurrence.) True or not, though, the result is that we are often seen as a possible threat and, hence, unwelcome by some.

I won’t lie. It can be awkward when I go out with other couples, but it doesn’t have to be. Sure, there are three of us – not four. Yet, just as when Bruce was here, we still find things to chat about… I am still the same me… We are still friends.

So, I guess, it depends on the couple – are they okay with that? Or do they have other concerns? What about me? Well, it depends on the relationship I have with that couple. (Now a days, I try to be more discerning about which couples I am comfortable with and who is comfortable with me.)

In other words, I am learning to find where I belong versus where I fit in, because there is a difference. Fitting in is when I assess the people I am with, determine what I need to change about me to help make them more comfortable, so that I fit in with them. (This is called “covering”, and most of us do it at some point in time – not just widows.)

However, when I belong, I don’t need to change a thing. I can just be me… even the part of me that is struggling with my own “widow identity” and whatever that means. To put it succinctly, fitting in is conditional, and belonging is unconditional. (And the unconditional space holds way more joy for all of us.)

So, if I think of myself as a puzzle piece… I know I won’t fit in all the spaces that I try. (And that’s okay.) There may even be spaces where it “kind of” works. Yet, if I look close enough, it won’t take long before I realize that I don’t really belong there. And just like with a puzzle, forcing it doesn’t work either. That will only throw everything else out of kilter, too.

So instead, I try another space… and another… and another… But I don’t give up. Why? Because I know that there truly is a space where I really do belong… I simply need to find it.

“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission… True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world… No one belongs here more than you.” ~ Brené Brown
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as, what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.