“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” ~ Brené Brown
One of the first things I remember struggling with as a new widow was the whole marital status question. Sure, on most forms there is a “widow” box ready to be checked. I remember the first time I checked that box. It was an extremely emotional moment. It was as if the reality of my situation came crashing in by acknowledging that as my new marital status.
However, that was only the beginning…
Suddenly, I found myself in a world where I struggle to figure out where I belong, (and many people around me do, as well). For me, I still felt married back then, and I still feel married now. Yes, I am well aware that Bruce is dead. Yet, what my head knows doesn’t always factor into my heart. Love isn’t a switch to be turned on and off. Love just is… And I still love Bruce. In fact, to this day, I still wear my wedding ring on my hand, (as well as his ring which hangs on a chain around my neck). There have been periods of time in the past when I have taken it off, because I thought I should. Yet, I always end up putting it back on. It is a beautiful reminder of us… Plus, it just feels right.
That’s me… But what about the people around me?
I think, at times, this may be even harder for them. People tend to feel comfortable putting things into categories – categories they are familiar with or understand. This allows people to put their world “in order”. Yet, it often means that while the widow is struggling to find a space where they belong, the people around us are doing the same when it comes to us… They often need us to be either married or not married. They need us to fit into one of these categories. This “kind-of, sort-of, I-don’t-know” doesn’t work for them, so eventually, they will make a choice for us in their own minds and act accordingly.
So, what’s the problem? Well, on our end, it can vary, but just imagine for a moment, going to a “couples’ event”. If I show up, (since I still feel married), how does that work for them? Now, this space for couples holds an odd number, because physically, (no matter how I feel), I am only one person. This can mess up all kinds of things when the event is designed for truly, physical couples.
Here’s another one… At any event, there are people (male and female) who have a belief that widows are on the make… As if our only thought in the world is to replace this person we have lost… with one of theirs. (I’m not saying this never happens, but honestly, I think it is a rare occurrence.) True or not, though, the result is that we are often seen as a possible threat and, hence, unwelcome by some.
I won’t lie. It can be awkward when I go out with other couples, but it doesn’t have to be. Sure, there are three of us – not four. Yet, just as when Bruce was here, we still find things to chat about… I am still the same me… We are still friends.
So, I guess, it depends on the couple – are they okay with that? Or do they have other concerns? What about me? Well, it depends on the relationship I have with that couple. (Now a days, I try to be more discerning about which couples I am comfortable with and who is comfortable with me.)
In other words, I am learning to find where I belong versus where I fit in, because there is a difference. Fitting in is when I assess the people I am with, determine what I need to change about me to help make them more comfortable, so that I fit in with them. (This is called “covering”, and most of us do it at some point in time – not just widows.)
However, when I belong, I don’t need to change a thing. I can just be me… even the part of me that is struggling with my own “widow identity” and whatever that means. To put it succinctly, fitting in is conditional, and belonging is unconditional. (And the unconditional space holds way more joy for all of us.)
So, if I think of myself as a puzzle piece… I know I won’t fit in all the spaces that I try. (And that’s okay.) There may even be spaces where it “kind of” works. Yet, if I look close enough, it won’t take long before I realize that I don’t really belong there. And just like with a puzzle, forcing it doesn’t work either. That will only throw everything else out of kilter, too.
So instead, I try another space… and another… and another… But I don’t give up. Why? Because I know that there truly is a space where I really do belong… I simply need to find it.
“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission… True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world… No one belongs here more than you.” ~ Brené Brown
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as, what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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