Month: February 2025

Peace, Love, and Grief – Feeling a Little Bit Lost

Sitting down to write today, and I am struggling about what to say… and how to say it. I don’t want conflict, so I will try my best to write in a way that unites us in our experiences – nothing more.

I didn’t write last week, because I was traveling home from Vegas, where I had been working for almost a month. Between the all-day traveling on Saturday, the jet lag, commitments on Sunday, as well as responsibilities that had to be addressed immediately after so long away, I just didn’t have anything more to give. I was spent. In fact, if I am honest, I am still trying to work past the jet lag and readjust to the Eastern time zone.

What I have been surprised at, though, is my emotional state this week…

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was feeling isolated, alone and scared while in Vegas – spending the majority of my “free” time alone and working in my hotel room was taking a toll. I thought once I got home, around friends and family, I would feel better. Those feelings would somehow dissipate with all the love and hugs I knew awaited me here.

And there has been a lot of love and hugs! That has been a balm to my soul; it truly has. At the same time, with all that is happening in the world, (which seems to bombard my every waking moment), I haven’t managed to shake those feelings at all. In fact, I would say that on top of those, depression has started to set in… and I am constantly struggling to fight it.

I am still finding that sleep is almost non-existent, and my morning meditation is better but not where it needs to be to be effective. It’s almost a joke between my son and I that the times I try to pray or meditate seem to be the only times I actually fall asleep. (Maybe connecting with Spirit is my comfort right now?)

The difference between being here this week and Vegas the previous weeks, though, isn’t just being back with family and friends, it is the energy of this space – our home. I do feel Bruce here, and I relish that.

Now comes the hard part… my confession, I suppose.

I find myself feeling angry at him… Angry about him dying and leaving me here alone to deal with all this crap that is happening around me. I can’t deal with all these people I love and care about saying the nastiest things to each other. People being mean without any thought to the damage being created and seemingly feeling entitled to do it in the name of whatever ideology they adhere to at the moment.

I don’t understand any of this behavior, especially among friends. Sure, I have my opinions, but I respect and believe in others’ rights to their opinions. I even tried to have a respectful conversation on FB to discuss things in a civil, respectful manner… My attempt to find ways we are aligned vs divided However, while no one responded to the post. Instead, several people told me privately that they didn’t feel safe talking in a public forum.

So, I tried simply stating my own views without condemning anyone else’s – hoping again that we might find a united way forward. However, someone who actually agrees with me added a comment with so much aggression that I took the whole thing down… That isn’t at all what I want to convey.

I wasn’t built for all this hate. I can’t… I just can’t…

And so, I find myself back where I originally started on this journey… Not suicidal but not wanting to be here without Bruce, either. I want to simply lay in his arms where I feel safe for just a little bit. At the same time, I also feel angry at him… Angry because I feel abandoned – something I haven’t felt in years… I’m so incredibly angry that I have to navigate all this crap without him – alone.

Then, to go with that, I also feel depressed because I just want to love the people whom I love, (no matter which side of the fence they are on), without all the hostility and challenges and name calling and disrespect… And I can’t seem to have any of that right now.

I remember someone once said grief was like a big, ball of knotted up string, and finding a way to make it straight again is the challenge… That is precisely how I feel. I thought I was finally starting to straighten it out, but instead, here I am starting at square one all over again.

I’m sorry… I usually try to end on a positive note… I try to share something I have learned that has helped me take a step forward, even if it is just a baby step. But I can’t today… Today, I am struggling with what we all seem to experience along this journey – one of those “grief tsunamis”.

Will I be okay? Yes… I absolutely know that I will. This one is just taking a bit longer than usual. I guess I have forgotten how deep and dark these feelings can be. Yet, I know that with a little bit of self-care, (and a lot of love), I will find my footing again… It just isn’t happening in this moment.

So, for now, I will just keep reminding myself to dig deep… to release my worldly concerns and feel the presence of the Divine… and Bruce… and the love of my family and friends. I know that while I might feel isolated and alone, that is not the reality… I know I am surrounded by people who love and care… and who probably need my support, as well.

… I know I am not facing my challenges alone… None of us are… Maybe we all simply need to remember that.

(Karen Drucker – There is Only Love)
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Where Are You?

A few years ago, I started looking into moving to a condo on the beach in another town. Then, I changed directions and looked into moving into a home closer to one of my daughters and my grandson. As the time came to close on the house, though, I couldn’t do it. The finance piece was not in my favor, (despite a really good credit rating), but that wasn’t all… I honestly freaked out more at the thought of leaving my home… our home… The home that Bruce and I had shared. The home where I can still feel him and/or his energy 24/7.

What if I left and never felt that again? I couldn’t bear it. People told me that he is a part of me, and I would still feel him no matter where I went, but I didn’t trust that. What if they were wrong? I would be gone. There would be no returning to our space. I would be devastated!

As I said, though, there was the finance piece, as well, not to mention some other family issues that just added to the whole thing. So… at the last possible minute, I backed out. It cost me the earnest money, but honestly, I have never regretted it. Why?

Bad day? I can feel Bruce close by.

Good day? Yep, he’s still right there.

I love that… I need that.

These past few weeks, I have been in Vegas for work. While it is a bit overwhelming here, (like living in the middle of a carnival), it is also a fun town. Granted, gambling is not my thing, but there are so many other things to do here!

I have seen a show. I have been to the desert. I went to AZ to see Antelope Canyons and Horseshoe Bend. I have been to museums… OH! And the resorts and restaurants! Holy cow!! I have never seen such places! (I feel a bit like the country mouse who has come to town.)

At the same time, (without being political), there has been a lot happening in our country and in the news, which feels impossible to ignore – so much hate and negativity spilling across my newsfeed at lightning speed. Being here alone has left me feeling isolated, alone, and very, very scared.

Sleep is almost non-existent, and my morning meditation is such a struggle that I almost feel more anxious at not being able to calm my mind than grounded.

What would help? What would make me feel more grounded and calmer? … Bruce… I want to feel him… I need to feel him… But I don’t. Constantly, I find myself asking, “Where are you? Why can’t I feel you? Why are you leaving me to figure all this out alone?”

All those people who told me he would be wherever I am, were wrong. Maybe it is all the stimulation. I don’t know. I have tried so hard to feel him here… but nothing.

Nothing, that is, until Friday morning. I woke up earlier than usual and skipped my morning run – determined to give myself more time to calm my brain and get a decent meditation in. I always start with my daily reading, which said, “I am always enfolded in the protecting love of God.” * Then, further down I read, “Oneness with God does not mean that life has no challenges, but it does mean I don’t face my challenges alone.” *

I needed those words. I closed my eyes, placed my feet on the floor, my hands in my lap, and started the slow breathing that always helps me relax. In my mind, I kept repeating the affirmation, “I don’t face my challenges alone” *, hoping to find the comfort I was seeking.

I can’t tell you how long I sat there like that, because this was a day when I wasn’t going to rush. This meditation was going to take as long as it took.

What I can tell you is that at some point, I could literally feel myself in an embrace. I could feel myself being held and comforted. Instantly, I knew whose arms I was in… It was Bruce. Just as God had sent him to me years ago on that cruise ship in the Virgin Islands, he was with me in this Vegas hotel room.

Later, when I opened my eyes, that feeling was gone. He was gone. I know it sounds silly, but I found myself asking, “Bruce? Where are you?… I still need you. I don’t want to be here alone.” … Nothing… Just like that, I could no longer feel him or his energy.

Years ago, after my divorce, my mother said that she had prayed that God would send me a man to love me… truly love me. “Like God, but in human form,” she used to say. And Bruce was exactly that. So, say what you will, but I believe that God knew I needed Bruce in that moment, and sent him to me.

I know when I get back home, I feel Bruce’s energy again in our space. (That brings me great comfort.) At the same time, this experience is something I will always treasure and never forget, because it was so incredibly real. To feel his arms holding me one more time, when my world seems to be dissolving into chaos and hate, has given me more strength than one could imagine.

I will always believe that God gives us what we need to push through challenging times… and this was one of those times.

* The Daily Word; January/February 2025, February 7, 2025
_________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.