scared – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Life is Messy

When my kids were growing up and said, “That’s not fair”, I used to answer, “Life’s not fair. I’m sorry, but it’s not.” … And it isn’t. It doesn’t matter if you play by the rules or not. It doesn’t matter if you do all the right things or not. It doesn’t matter if how you play the game, there will be times when life feels unfair. I hate that. I wish I could make it otherwise, but it is what it is.

Losing someone you love is just another reminder of that. It doesn’t matter if you are a “good” person or not. It doesn’t matter if you love with all your heart or not. It just doesn’t matter. Life goes on and does what it does.

As I have said before, I am most definitely a “list person”. I love my lists. I have lists of what I need to do each day, projects I want (or need) to tackle, bills I need to pay, people I need to contact, my weekly grocery list, books I want to read, possible topics for this blog, a basic packing list, and on and on. My list of lists is ever growing, and it’s crazy… I know. At the same time, it is what keeps me organized, so I am less likely to forget or miss something. It is as much a part of me as my brown eyes or curly hair.

When Bruce died, I wanted a list… A list of things to do that would make all this hurt stop… A list of things I could do make this whole thing go away so I could go on living my life without all this pain and grief. I didn’t take long to realize that no such list exists. Sometimes, life hurts. Sometimes, life isn’t fair. In fact, I could go a step further and say I learned that life is not a list… No matter how much I want it to be that simple, it isn’t. Life is not a list. Life is messy and complicated and unpredictable.

Lately, life has felt a little harder… a little messier… a lot less predictable… And that is hard for me. Learning to sit and wait patiently for what life is offering has never been something I excel at. I want to know all the things… Where life is headed… Where I am going next… Where is the next turn in the road…

Losing Bruce was a turn in the road that I never saw coming. It took years to accept it. In fact, I can honestly say that it is something I am still working on coming to terms with. I want to do whatever is mine to do next… but what is that? What I wouldn’t give for a list… a list of whatever is mine to do as I look ahead.

The whole thing leaves me feeling lost.

This week I heard a term – progressive unfoldment… The idea of waiting to see what life will unfold in front of me next – like a flower bud waiting to open. Things will happen in their own time, and nothing I do, (no list I work through), will make one bit of difference. Life will happen on its own terms and in its own time.

Growing up in the Christian faith, I was told that God would light the path in front of me just enough for the next step. As a kid growing up in the middle of nowhere and used to spending hours walking through the woods on my own, I pictured a small lantern lighting my way in a forest. I could almost feel the warmth of the lantern and the heaviness of the darkness outside the small puddle of light. I understood that feeling of peering into that darkness – unable to see anything in the pitch darkness. Yet, I took comfort in that little bit of light that I could imagine God holding out for me.

As an adult, that image holds way more questions than comfort. That light feels a lot smaller, and the path is a lot scarier. Somedays, that lantern doesn’t seem to be giving off any light all. Some days, I have to talk myself into taking that next step into the darkness… A darkness that holds who knows what.

This is why I like a list… A list takes all the questions away… Here is what I should do, and I do it. Here is how life should flow, and it does… only it doesn’t, does it?

Instead, I can almost hear the universe saying to me, “Life is unfair… but it is also a beautiful, amazing adventure. You will miss out on so much of that if you only want the “safe” route. There is so much more out there waiting for you, if you will only take that next step.”

So… here I sit… scared but willing… trying to let go of my need for a “safe” list of things to make life run smoother – with less pain and grief… Willing to embrace the idea that the Divine has my best in mind, if I will only release my fears and patiently wait for life to simply show me what is next.

That isn’t an easy concept for me. Yet, I think that if I want to live my life to its fullest, I need to embrace the idea of a progressive unfoldment… The idea that life is going to happen with or without me… I can’t control any of it. There is no list that will give me that control. And it isn’t about life being fair or unfair – not at all.

Instead, it is a knowing that I need to let go and trust. It is a knowing that my next step in life is not dependent on a list of things to do, but rather it is about paying attention and trusting that what is next to do may not always be up to me at all. Instead, it is dependent on what life offers me – nothing more… nothing less… Because in the end, life is not a list – life is messy… and beautiful.
_________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Where Are You?

A few years ago, I started looking into moving to a condo on the beach in another town. Then, I changed directions and looked into moving into a home closer to one of my daughters and my grandson. As the time came to close on the house, though, I couldn’t do it. The finance piece was not in my favor, (despite a really good credit rating), but that wasn’t all… I honestly freaked out more at the thought of leaving my home… our home… The home that Bruce and I had shared. The home where I can still feel him and/or his energy 24/7.

What if I left and never felt that again? I couldn’t bear it. People told me that he is a part of me, and I would still feel him no matter where I went, but I didn’t trust that. What if they were wrong? I would be gone. There would be no returning to our space. I would be devastated!

As I said, though, there was the finance piece, as well, not to mention some other family issues that just added to the whole thing. So… at the last possible minute, I backed out. It cost me the earnest money, but honestly, I have never regretted it. Why?

Bad day? I can feel Bruce close by.

Good day? Yep, he’s still right there.

I love that… I need that.

These past few weeks, I have been in Vegas for work. While it is a bit overwhelming here, (like living in the middle of a carnival), it is also a fun town. Granted, gambling is not my thing, but there are so many other things to do here!

I have seen a show. I have been to the desert. I went to AZ to see Antelope Canyons and Horseshoe Bend. I have been to museums… OH! And the resorts and restaurants! Holy cow!! I have never seen such places! (I feel a bit like the country mouse who has come to town.)

At the same time, (without being political), there has been a lot happening in our country and in the news, which feels impossible to ignore – so much hate and negativity spilling across my newsfeed at lightning speed. Being here alone has left me feeling isolated, alone, and very, very scared.

Sleep is almost non-existent, and my morning meditation is such a struggle that I almost feel more anxious at not being able to calm my mind than grounded.

What would help? What would make me feel more grounded and calmer? … Bruce… I want to feel him… I need to feel him… But I don’t. Constantly, I find myself asking, “Where are you? Why can’t I feel you? Why are you leaving me to figure all this out alone?”

All those people who told me he would be wherever I am, were wrong. Maybe it is all the stimulation. I don’t know. I have tried so hard to feel him here… but nothing.

Nothing, that is, until Friday morning. I woke up earlier than usual and skipped my morning run – determined to give myself more time to calm my brain and get a decent meditation in. I always start with my daily reading, which said, “I am always enfolded in the protecting love of God.” * Then, further down I read, “Oneness with God does not mean that life has no challenges, but it does mean I don’t face my challenges alone.” *

I needed those words. I closed my eyes, placed my feet on the floor, my hands in my lap, and started the slow breathing that always helps me relax. In my mind, I kept repeating the affirmation, “I don’t face my challenges alone” *, hoping to find the comfort I was seeking.

I can’t tell you how long I sat there like that, because this was a day when I wasn’t going to rush. This meditation was going to take as long as it took.

What I can tell you is that at some point, I could literally feel myself in an embrace. I could feel myself being held and comforted. Instantly, I knew whose arms I was in… It was Bruce. Just as God had sent him to me years ago on that cruise ship in the Virgin Islands, he was with me in this Vegas hotel room.

Later, when I opened my eyes, that feeling was gone. He was gone. I know it sounds silly, but I found myself asking, “Bruce? Where are you?… I still need you. I don’t want to be here alone.” … Nothing… Just like that, I could no longer feel him or his energy.

Years ago, after my divorce, my mother said that she had prayed that God would send me a man to love me… truly love me. “Like God, but in human form,” she used to say. And Bruce was exactly that. So, say what you will, but I believe that God knew I needed Bruce in that moment, and sent him to me.

I know when I get back home, I feel Bruce’s energy again in our space. (That brings me great comfort.) At the same time, this experience is something I will always treasure and never forget, because it was so incredibly real. To feel his arms holding me one more time, when my world seems to be dissolving into chaos and hate, has given me more strength than one could imagine.

I will always believe that God gives us what we need to push through challenging times… and this was one of those times.

* The Daily Word; January/February 2025, February 7, 2025
_________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Grateful?

“There is a great richness in your daily life, just as it is, waiting for you to celebrate it… Give yourself a reminder to be thankful. Create a sign that reads, ‘I am grateful for this moment.” ~ Miriam Hathaway, Simply Grateful: A Journal to Reflect on the Good Things in Life

Over the past month or so, I have shared my latest twist in this life journey – my breast cancer diagnosis. It came as quite a shock since the only risk factor I have is the fact that I am female. So, I guess, I should also admit, it made me angry. For most of my life, I have taken care of myself – exercised, eaten right, didn’t over-indulge. The idea (okay, reality) that I have breast cancer seemed so wrong! And to have to do it without Bruce here – to feel like I was facing it alone – just seemed even worse.

I kept reading all these articles and blogs about people who learned some “great spiritual truth” because of their bout with cancer. When I confided my fear with someone else who had gone through cancer alone, they told me they had nothing but “good days and better days” throughout their journey. (Seriously??) Then, to top it off, I was constantly being told, “You will be fine… Just stay positive.”

I know it is good to be positive. I know my own thoughts create my experience. I know how to “fake it till I make it.” But to be honest… I also need to be able to feel all my feelings… And not all of my feelings are positive ones… That is my truth.

So, I was mad about the diagnosis, scared about the treatment, struggling to find a doctor I trusted and terrified to do this without Bruce. I (finally) found a cancer center with fabulous care. But, I had no choice about the rest – I just had to keep moving forward.

About a week before my surgery, I received a package from my team at work. We are scattered all over the U.S., so it took a lot of coordination, determination, and caring for them to get this together. It was a “care bag” for me to take to my treatments. It included all kinds of things, such as a blanket, coloring book, lotion, lip balm, etc… But the thing that terrified me was a journal.

I know… That’s kind of weird because I have been journaling since Bruce died. I love doing it! Journaling has been some of the best healing therapy I have experienced (and it’s free). But this particular journal was entitled, “Simply Grateful: A Journal to Reflect on the Good Things in Life.”

Hmmm… grateful? Can’t say I was feeling any of that!

So, when I packed up to leave for my surgery, I took my care bag without the journal. Then… at the last minute, I threw it back in. Who knew? Maybe all these positive life lessons would “hit me,” and I’d be ready to write.

Let me just say… That didn’t happen either.

Instead, I returned home after a couple of days, feeling tired, in pain and frustrated with how everything looked… In my journal, I wrote:

“Hi Babe! I did it! I was terrified, but I did it. The pain isn’t too bad, I guess (still taking pain meds though)… I don’t know what I expected, but I’m exhausted. It hurts when I touch it or move around too much, but I can handle that part. The hard part is how it looks. (I know, I’m being vain.) But I don’t think I would even want you to see this… I can’t even stand to look at myself. I know I need to give it time – time to heal – but I HATE it! I hate the way it looks. I know it could be worse, but that doesn’t make this good…. But, I guess, this is my body… It is what it is… I can’t change it, and I can’t fix it… For the first time since you died, I’m glad you’re not here – not here to see this… to see me.”

Nope… Grateful was not what I was feeling.

However, within a few days, as the entirety of what has happened, and the outcome of the surgery began to dawn on me, I realized I needed to pull myself out of this… But how? Then, I remembered… I went to my bag and dug deep… There it was – tucked in the bottom – that “crazy” Simply Grateful journal.

I opened it up and on the first journaling page it read, “Today, I am grateful for….” Followed by three blank pages. Then, one line, “’You are only one thought away from a good feeling.’ ~ Sheila Krystal” So, I started writing – listing each thing I could think of to be grateful for. Before I knew it, I had managed to fill a whole page. Three days later, I came back and filled another one. And a few more days after that, I filled the third.

There were things to be grateful for… I just had to look around… look up… I had to make myself stop looking at all that was wrong and start looking at all that was right. I won’t say it is easy… At least, it hasn’t been for me. I’m still a bit pissed about this whole thing… And it still hurts… And I’m still tired and bruised and swollen… and (I must remind myself) healing. Then, I also remind myself, there are a lot of women who haven’t gotten this far… I am one of the really lucky ones.

So far, this is where I am: I haven’t learned any great, spiritual truths… Nor am I positive all the time. I’m just me… feeling what I feel and working to remain grateful for what is…

Friday:
“Hi Babe! Doing a little better each day… It is not healing as quickly as I anticipated – still sore, bruised and tired. I cry for you (a lot)… I still miss you so much… This breast cancer thing is hard and scary without you. Sorry, I’m trying so hard to stay up… Stay positive… but some days are harder than others. So, I’m working on being grateful for what is… Grateful for each moment… Because, after all, that’s all we’ve really got.”

Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. Sometimes new trauma is that much harder to handle simply because they aren’t beside us… It can feel lonely and overwhelming. That is how I have felt since being diagnosed with cancer. I know my thoughts create my experience, so I am working to keep those positive. But then again, life isn’t just positive stuff… Sometimes it is made up of stuff we would rather not face – losing Bruce, this cancer thing… I just need to remember – I am not alone… and neither are you.

Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have experienced something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Butterflies

Weeks ago, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wrote about a dream I had… I was so scared, but in my dream, Bruce built a metal sculpture of a butterfly. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen… It glistened and was covered with crystals and gems. As I watched, he put on some music, and the butterfly came to life and flew all around me. When the music ended, he picked up the now still sculpture, and kissed me. Then, I woke up.

It was the most calming dream I have ever had… At that moment, I knew butterflies would be my symbol from Bruce that he is here… And I’m not alone as I face what is ahead.

I know I need to take it one step at a time… I need to be careful and not get caught up in all the “what ifs.” But that is much easier said than done… The bottom line is… I’m still scared.

<When> “you have butterflies in your stomach, be grateful. You are in a wonderful place.
Nerves are God’s gift to you, reminding you that your life is not passing you by.
Make friends with the butterflies.
Welcome them when they come,
Revel in them,
Enjoy them,
And if they go away, do whatever it takes to put yourself in a position where they return.”
~ Rob Bell, How to Be Here

When I first learned I had cancer, I thought, “I’m not scared of dying.” That’s true… I’m not… I’m scared of the treatments. However, I also knew I couldn’t stay in that mindset. It’s not a positive or healthy place to be. So, over the last few weeks, I have been reading everything I can get my hands on concerning breast cancer. I want to understand my choices… I want to know the risks… I want to know exactly what it is I am facing.

The problem is, each person’s cancer is different; no one can make any guarantees; and I will never know exactly what lies ahead. Besides, all that stuff can make you crazy after a while. So, I have also been reading some of those “get-your-head-in-a-peaceful-place” type books, as well.

When I ran across the quote above, it hit me… I am so nervous right now… I have butterflies in my stomach and they don’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. Yet, I had not connected the two… I never thought about being grateful for what is happening or for how scared and nervous I feel.

Yet, this twist in my path has me re-evaluating so many things about how I live my life… For example – Am I really living it? Or in my grief, am I spending more time observing than living? I’m not sure… I tend to be a bit introverted anyway, so a quiet life suits me. At the same time, losing Bruce hurt more than anything I have ever endured… It still does. I know I am afraid of hurting again. I know I tend to stay where it is “safe.”

However, perhaps now life is drawing me out… Maybe this whole thing is to remind me, I am alive… Perhaps, I am being reminded that I need to dip my toes in the water…

That doesn’t mean I need to go sky-diving or go backpacking across the continent… Those things are fine, but they aren’t the things I long to do. I believe I simply need to be sure I’m saying “yes” to those things which bring me joy and make me smile.

So that is where I am this week… Preparing for a fight where my own body is trying to kill me, while at the same time remembering to live… To be present in each moment… And to find the joy in simply being here.

Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way. For each of us, trying to understand why things happened as they did (and do) can be a challenge in and of itself, and our paths are as diverse as the drops of water in the ocean. These are only my thoughts and reactions this week as I try to wrap my brain around this turn in my path. Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Facing the Lion Ahead

Why are you gone?
Why aren’t you here?
The lions are here…
Where are you?
I can’t do this!
I don’t have what it takes!
I don’t!
I’m scared!
The lions are circling,
And I don’t have the strength to fight them…
Not again… It’s too much…
Help me, Babe…
Show me I’m not alone.
~ Linda, February 2015

Does it ever hit you as strange the things life seems to throw our way? Do you ever think “what in the world?” or “why?” … I know, I do.

When Bruce died I questioned everything in life… I wanted to know why, and I questioned whether God really loved me at all. I even questioned my own ability to keep going… It felt so impossible at the time. In the last five years, while there hasn’t really been any answers, there has been a lot of healing as I have learned to come to terms with the changes life throw my way.

These last 2 weeks, however, have found me struggling with news that (once again) I’m not real sure how to handle… Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

It is my lion ahead…

At first, I chose to only share the news with our families and a few close friends. I didn’t want to tell anyone… I just life to be normal. I could barely wrap my brain around the whole thing… much less talk about it.

In last week’s blog, I could only bring myself to share my fear about handling this without Bruce by my side, but I still couldn’t name it… I even debated whether I wanted to share the whole truth here or not.

However, this past week, as I have struggled with the reality of this whole thing (and all it encompasses), I knew I needed to share this here… with you. I’m know I’m not the first widow to deal with cancer without my spouse by my side. And since it is now a part of my experience as a widow, I need to be honest about it and share it openly. This is not something I would ever wish on anyone. But if you ever find yourself here… I hope you never feel alone.

I think that is my biggest struggle… I’m already scare, but doing this without Bruce makes it even scarier… I would give anything to feel his arms around me… To hear him tell me it’s going to be okay – We’ve got this… “We”… That’s part I need…

Don’t misunderstand… Our families have been beyond supportive – both Bruce’s and mine. I know I am not really alone. I know everyone is willing to help me any way they can.

But, it’s the emotional part… It’s the part where I feel like I’m going to fall apart at any moment. It’s the part where the tears are always right behind my eyelids. It’s the part where I need to just collapse and let someone else handle it for a while… Because I don’t think I can.

This week, despite being given very good odds, I have found myself spiraling down the rabbit hole of anxiety and depression. I have done a lot of reading that says this is normal. They say it is actually a type of grief… Grief for the life you thought was yours, but now will involve all kinds of surgery and treatments… And even if everything goes well, there will be a life-long chance of recurrence. For someone who is never sick… (Shoot, I don’t even feel sick now!)… this just doesn’t feel real.

I think it’s that “C” word… It’s just a scary word… It creates so many negative thoughts and scenarios in my head… And I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I don’t really have the luxury to not think about it. I have constant appointments with all different doctors, and each one tells me something different… Each one proposes new ideas requiring different decisions… It’s all so overwhelming…

I wish I could end this on a positive note today… I wish I could say, “No big deal; no worries. I’ve got this!” But this week… today… I don’t feel like “I’ve got this”… Instead, I feel like this has got me, and I’m not a fan.

I’m not questioning the “why me” this time, but I sure don’t know why God chose to have me do this without Bruce… That part is still hard… But for whatever reason, here I am… and cancer is the lion ahead… The lion I have to face alone.

Would you be as lost as me
if our roles were changed?
Because I’m lost…
I keep looking for you wherever I go…
~ Linda, January 2018

Sometimes when we feel like we are finally figuring this thing out, life throws something else our way. Learning to live with our grief and deal with these ever-changing circumstances can be overwhelming. I know each of us reacts differently and each of us will do it in our own way and in our own time. Today’s blog is simply my newest experience, and how I am trying to make some sense of this and move forward. Maybe this feels familiar… If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief