Tag: scared and alone

Peace, Love and Grief… Facing the Lion Ahead

Why are you gone?
Why aren’t you here?
The lions are here…
Where are you?
I can’t do this!
I don’t have what it takes!
I don’t!
I’m scared!
The lions are circling,
And I don’t have the strength to fight them…
Not again… It’s too much…
Help me, Babe…
Show me I’m not alone.
~ Linda, February 2015

Does it ever hit you as strange the things life seems to throw our way? Do you ever think “what in the world?” or “why?” … I know, I do.

When Bruce died I questioned everything in life… I wanted to know why, and I questioned whether God really loved me at all. I even questioned my own ability to keep going… It felt so impossible at the time. In the last five years, while there hasn’t really been any answers, there has been a lot of healing as I have learned to come to terms with the changes life throw my way.

These last 2 weeks, however, have found me struggling with news that (once again) I’m not real sure how to handle… Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

It is my lion ahead…

At first, I chose to only share the news with our families and a few close friends. I didn’t want to tell anyone… I just life to be normal. I could barely wrap my brain around the whole thing… much less talk about it.

In last week’s blog, I could only bring myself to share my fear about handling this without Bruce by my side, but I still couldn’t name it… I even debated whether I wanted to share the whole truth here or not.

However, this past week, as I have struggled with the reality of this whole thing (and all it encompasses), I knew I needed to share this here… with you. I’m know I’m not the first widow to deal with cancer without my spouse by my side. And since it is now a part of my experience as a widow, I need to be honest about it and share it openly. This is not something I would ever wish on anyone. But if you ever find yourself here… I hope you never feel alone.

I think that is my biggest struggle… I’m already scare, but doing this without Bruce makes it even scarier… I would give anything to feel his arms around me… To hear him tell me it’s going to be okay – We’ve got this… “We”… That’s part I need…

Don’t misunderstand… Our families have been beyond supportive – both Bruce’s and mine. I know I am not really alone. I know everyone is willing to help me any way they can.

But, it’s the emotional part… It’s the part where I feel like I’m going to fall apart at any moment. It’s the part where the tears are always right behind my eyelids. It’s the part where I need to just collapse and let someone else handle it for a while… Because I don’t think I can.

This week, despite being given very good odds, I have found myself spiraling down the rabbit hole of anxiety and depression. I have done a lot of reading that says this is normal. They say it is actually a type of grief… Grief for the life you thought was yours, but now will involve all kinds of surgery and treatments… And even if everything goes well, there will be a life-long chance of recurrence. For someone who is never sick… (Shoot, I don’t even feel sick now!)… this just doesn’t feel real.

I think it’s that “C” word… It’s just a scary word… It creates so many negative thoughts and scenarios in my head… And I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I don’t really have the luxury to not think about it. I have constant appointments with all different doctors, and each one tells me something different… Each one proposes new ideas requiring different decisions… It’s all so overwhelming…

I wish I could end this on a positive note today… I wish I could say, “No big deal; no worries. I’ve got this!” But this week… today… I don’t feel like “I’ve got this”… Instead, I feel like this has got me, and I’m not a fan.

I’m not questioning the “why me” this time, but I sure don’t know why God chose to have me do this without Bruce… That part is still hard… But for whatever reason, here I am… and cancer is the lion ahead… The lion I have to face alone.

Would you be as lost as me
if our roles were changed?
Because I’m lost…
I keep looking for you wherever I go…
~ Linda, January 2018

Sometimes when we feel like we are finally figuring this thing out, life throws something else our way. Learning to live with our grief and deal with these ever-changing circumstances can be overwhelming. I know each of us reacts differently and each of us will do it in our own way and in our own time. Today’s blog is simply my newest experience, and how I am trying to make some sense of this and move forward. Maybe this feels familiar… If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… When You Feel Alone and Scared

During my first marriage, stress and anxiety were a constant. They were a part of everything… In fact, I can’t remember a day where those feelings were not waiting somewhere on the horizon. Even in the “good” times, there was always a shadow hovering over everything… The knowledge that at any moment everything could change…

Life, then, had an odd surreal feeling as my first husband could be laughing one moment and yelling the next. What set him off one day, he could just as easily be fine with the next. That was the problem… It was like living with Jekyll and Hyde. We never knew from one moment to the next which side we would get. I learned to watch the tiniest details of his body language – watching for the slightest change in his eye movements, his breathing, his pace, his language… everything and anything, in an effort to catch a hint of what would might come next.

As a result, I lived in a constant state of anxiety. That feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach was there all the time. It was a horrible way to live… But we did it for 20 years before I finally gathered enough courage to leave. I thought that would have been the end of it. After all, it was over… we were safe… But it isn’t that simple.

Living like that for so many years takes its toll… I knew I couldn’t get over it alone, so I sought help. Almost immediately, I was diagnosed with PTSD. (Evidently this is not unusual for someone from [or in] a traumatic situation.) It took years, but eventually I worked through all that. I’ve written about it before – about how Bruce’s unconditional love, patience and acceptance brought so much healing to my family. In fact, I truly thought I had left that trauma behind years ago.

After Bruce passed away, I received several menacing messages from my first husband which, at first, threw me for a loop. Initially, I found myself emotionally thrown back in time… Those old feelings of panic and anxiety took over the moment I saw his first message. However, this time was different. This time I pulled myself together and decided I was not cowering or hiding. I refused to feel that way and took actions to protect myself.

Why am I sharing this now? Because this week, I find myself with that same constant feeling of dread and anxiety… That feeling in the pit of my stomach that something terrible is about happen. What has triggered it? Everything happening in our society right now. I don’t think it matters which side of the political fence you are on, you cannot deny that as a society we are not at peace with each other.

Each morning I wake up wondering what is going to happen next? How much worse will it get?

Each day I see people being uglier and uglier to each other. I see it on Face Book as people hurl accusations and reduce themselves to name-calling anyone with a different opinion. The saddest part of this is – I see it between friends… Things people would never say to someone’s face (before now) are said on Social Media with no thought to kindness or respect.

In business, I also see customers being more and more aggressive and demanding to a degree I have never experienced previously. In fact, no matter where I go, there seems to be an underlying current of discontent and frustration… Other than children, no one seems to be happy… I mean, really happy.

Yesterday I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with that pit of dread deep in my stomach. As I laid there crying, I found myself asking Bruce – “Why did you leave me here to deal with all of this alone? I’m scared! I need you… And you left… you left me here all alone. What am I supposed to do?”

I always miss Bruce, but this current stream of events has left me feeling deeply scared and alone once again. I miss the strength and security of his arms. I miss those times when he would wrapped his arms around me and assured me everything was going to be okay. I miss those nights when I would wake up in a panic, and he would instinctively reach out to hold me even in his sleep.

Now, there is no one to hold me… no one to tell me it is all going to be okay… I feel alone, and I feel scared… But I refuse to stay here.

I don’t believe we are called to live in fear, but this time I must be the one to push myself forward. If I want to see things change… if I want to see more peace and less anger… I know it is up to me now to do something to affect that change.

Personally, I believe we are each called for a specific purpose. I, also, believe when we were instructed to “love our neighbor” and “love one another,” this means we are being called to a loving solidarity with all humanity… nothing less. So where do I go with that? I’m not completely sure… But I will start with the legacy Bruce taught me…

• Refuse to get caught up in the anger and hate
• Be “for” things not “against” things
• Be open to respectful dialogue; disengage from disrespectful, hate/fear-filled dialogue
• Accept others where they are on their own journey
• Show love and respect to everyone

Will any of this really make a difference? I don’t know, but if enough of us did it, maybe… just maybe we could find a peaceful way through all of this together.

Life will determine your boundaries.
It will push you further than you ever thought possible…
If you let it,
It will take you to the edge.
Do not be afraid;
Do not hold back.
Take a breath,
Take a step
And then another…
Then and only then, can you walk to the edge.
~ Linda, Sept 2013

NOTE: This is not meant to be a political post. I debated on writing about my real feelings this week, because I do not want to be misinterpreted. This is simply my emotional response to my observations… nothing more. I pray that is what I conveyed…

For many of us, these are worrisome times. Learning to navigate these times alone can stir up feelings of loneliness and fear, which can leave us feeling stuck and vulnerable. If any of this sounds familiar, we are here with you… you are not alone. If you have found a positive way through this, would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.