Month: September 2021

Peace, Love, and Grief… Some Weeks Are Just That Way

I think one of the worst parts of grief is that you just never know what to expect… So many times, I think I am doing great… I am fine. Then, suddenly, I’m not…

I sit in the sun, enjoying its warmth.
On the horizon, I can see the ever-present clouds –
The darkness of a storm
That can hit at any moment.
Somedays it stays on the horizon,
Present, but not a threat.
Other days, it blows in –
Shutting out the sun
And attacking my very soul.

I never know from what direction the wind will blow.
Will it blow and keep the storm away?
Or
Will it blow the storm directly in my path?
I never know moment to moment
Where it will be,
But I always know it is there…
Somewhere…
~ Linda, 2015

This week, the wind blew that storm directly into my heart… It has been an unquestionably rough week… I can’t explain it, and I have absolutely no idea what triggered it. This wave of grief just seemed to come out of nowhere… All week I have tried to push it down and keep moving forward. However, because I don’t know where it came from, it has been a true struggle to get out from under it. I have cried every night… and most days… Simply put – the only thing I know is that I just miss him.


This week
I have missed you,
And
I have remembered you.

I have cried for you,
And
I have danced with you.

I am tired of hurting,
But
I’m not tired of loving you.
~ Linda, 2021


It seems so silly doesn’t it? Why am I in this position? It has been well over eight years. Yet, this week my heart feels as broken as it did that first night. Until this week, it had been a long time since I wondered this house searching for… what? Him? I know he isn’t here…

Life moves on.
Time passes
But my heart stands still.
Lost in a space
Where I can still hear your voice,
Where your smile still greets mine.
Frozen in this space
Where you should be…
But you aren’t.
~ Linda, 2020

The only difference between then and now is the expectations I allow to be placed on myself. I keep thinking “smile, Linda” no one needs to see your tears or hear you cry. I keep trying to distract myself with other things… other people. I keep smiling at the world in an attempt to force myself to feel something other than this…

Push those feelings down.
It’s been too long…
Don’t talk about it!

Push them down!

Why can’t you let him go?
What’s wrong with you?
Is this normal?

Push those feelings down!
Push them down!

… And when you come up for air…
Be sure you are smiling.
~ Linda, 2019

This week, I wanted nothing more than to just melt inside myself – to stay inside and ignore the world. However, I knew for me that would be the worst thing I could do. So, each day I made myself get outside – sometimes I went for a walk (and made myself say hello to my neighbors); other times I rested on the porch and watched the neighborhood children play or tried to ground myself in the nature around me. There definitely was some comfort to be found out there. However, my heart and mind were not so easily soothed… It seems like each time something made me smile, all I could think about was the idea that Bruce was no longer here to share in all the simple things that at one time brought us so much joy…

I can’t believe you are no longer here…
… No longer looking at the blue sky.
… No longer smelling the fresh air of morning.
… No longer feeling the sand under your feet.
… No longer looking at the same moon
or smelling the salt air
or hearing the whisper of the wind.
… No longer able to share an experience.
… No longer a part of this world.
… No longer a part of my world.
Will this ever feel normal?
~ Linda, 2017

Each week I try to present an honest look at my journey as a widow… to share some tidbit – something I have learned (if possible), and something positive, because that is more a reflection of who I am (or who I try to be). I don’t know about this week… The tears are still streaming down my face even as I write this. I just don’t feel like I have much to offer this week, except the honesty of where I find myself. I’m just in a hard place… I know I will be okay, but right now, the one thing I want in this world is the one thing I can’t have… and my heart is completely broken…

They lie…
Time heals nothing.
It still hurts…
And I don’t know how to make it stop.

I’ve learned to smile at the world.
I’ve learned to push the hurt down,
And say, “I’m fine.”
But
It still hurts.

I have learned to laugh again.
I have learned to find joy in quiet moments
Spent with those I love.
But
It still hurts.

I think it will probably always hurt…
Simply because you aren’t here.
~ Linda, 2018


Sometimes I can’t breathe for the pain of it.
Other times I smile
And laugh at the thought of our memories.
You were always that way…
Making me smile or laugh
When I wanted to cry…
When the pain was so bad.

Now my heart hurts…
Truly, physically hurts with the missing of you.

I feel your soul.
I know you are here.
But I need to see your eyes and your smile,
Feel the comfort of your arms.
I want to breathe in your presence
And feel your love in all these things.
But that isn’t to be…
All I have are the memories,
The memories of our love…
And…
Sometimes I can’t breathe for the pain of it.
~ Linda, 2013

Thank you for not leaving me alone this week… Thank you for giving me a safe place to vocalize my feelings – whatever they may be. I have said it before, and I will say it again – this is not an easy path. It is not a path I ever saw myself on. You probably didn’t either. I don’t think any of us want to be here. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are.

This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I am figuring it out, I find I haven’t. Honestly, none of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that alone can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate. Thankfully, I know I am not alone. We are here for each other and, it is actually our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Who Am I?

How do you identify? That seems to be the question of the day lately… In some ways, it is easy to answer, and in other ways, I’m not always sure what to say…

Currently at work, we have a company-wide Diversity and Inclusion training program happening. As one of the company trainers who will be leading the training in the next quarter, I have been studying the material and asking a thousand questions of the facilitators who are currently training the program.

I realize there will be some who will read this and roll their eyes, but honestly, it is a great program. There is no guilt or beating anyone up emotionally, nor is it intended to tell anyone what to think. It is simply a “who are you” and “who do you want to be” kind of program… I like it… And it has me thinking…

The program starts with a screen filled with hundreds (or so it seems) of boxes labeled with different things one might associate with or relate to – sexual orientation, religious preferences, marital status, race, nationality, life experiences, etc. … You name it, and it is there. Each person is instructed to pick as many as they wish – anything you identify or associate with who you are as an individual. Then, we take turns introducing ourselves using our “boxes” of “who we are.”

In my first class, I probably picked about 25 or more boxes, “widow” being one of them. Then, as I listened to others introducing themselves, I found myself crossing off any items I thought might be either controversial or might make others uncomfortable… “Widow” was actually still on my list when I started to talk, but I never said it… I looked at it and skimmed on past. At first, I wasn’t even sure why I did it… All I knew was I didn’t want to say it in front of a group of 20+ strangers.

Weird, huh? Especially since it is not a secret… It is something I write about every single week and put it out there for the whole world to read… Yet, I never mentioned it.

I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks trying to figure out why. Honestly, I’m not completely sure. When Bruce first died, I think I told everyone I met that I was a widow. I was so appalled and angry that he had died, and I was still here that I just wanted the world to know how unfair it was that I was alone… I wanted the whole world to know that I didn’t like it one bit. At that point, coming to terms with that title and all it encompassed was consuming my world. So, I guess it made sense that I was always using it to describe me and who I was.

Over time though, I came to realize that the words “I’m a widow” or “my husband died” are some of the fastest ways to stop a conversation. People aren’t just uncomfortable with that information; they literally have no idea what to say or how to respond. It can be an awful way to throw my struggles out into the middle of the room, while no one else knows quite what to do with it. So… somewhere over time, I simply stopped telling people.

The strange thing is being a widow is still so much a part of who I am… of how I identify myself. It’s not like it is a label I want… It is simply a label that is accurate. It is constantly in my head (usually somewhere in the background). Yet, it is one of the few things, which I find I keep to myself most often in public. This forum is actually one of the few places I feel comfortable talking about it openly.

So… Here is my dilemma, I suppose… I am a widow. It is a huge piece of who I am, because it has had the biggest impact on me over the last eight+ years. The circumstances that created that title changed everything about me. And while I am moving forward and find myself healing a little more each day, I still haven’t managed to expand past it in many ways.

I know I have grown. I know have healed in so many ways. Yet, it still boils down to the fact that I am a widow, in the same way that so many of my friends are married. It is a big part of who I am. I wish I felt comfortable explaining that in a room full of strangers, but I have a feeling that when it is my turn again, I will likely leave it off – partly because I know how uncomfortable it can make people and partly because I dread the perception that others might have.

Then again, maybe I will talk about it… I know this class is supposed to the space where we can help each other realign or reshape our views about certain labels. I know it is a chance to be honest about who I am… And who knows… maybe it will help me find a way to be honest about who I am without stopping the conversation or making everyone in the room uncomfortable… Maybe it will even be a way to open the door to anyone else struggling with how to be honest about a label and how it is perceived.

“When you let others label you, invariably they make your world too small.” ~ Unknown

Whether you are new to this group or whether you have been visiting with us for a while, I am sorry for the reason you are here. I hate it for you… and for all of us. This is not a path any of us want to be on. Yet, here we are. This journey is an odd one – filled with challenges we never imagined. We never know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger. That can sometimes make this journey feel even more lonely. Yet, there are other times when I know I am not alone at all. We are here for each other. This journey holds both challenges and peace-filled moments for each of us. Yet, it is actually our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… It’s Okay to Feel What You Feel

“… Emotions such as grief, fear, and despair have gained a reputation as ‘the dark emotions’ not because they are noxious or abnormal but because Western culture keeps them shuttered in the dark with other shameful things like personal bankruptcy or sexual deviance.” ~ Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark

Did you know that according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV, also known as the “psychiatrist’s Bible”, patients who grieve longer than two months are considered depressed and it is suggested that prescription drugs should be considered for treatment? Good grief! Are you kidding me?? That has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read!

Honestly, at the two-month point, I was just beginning to realize that this was not a dream… There was no healing those first few months… I am pretty sure I was in shock during that time. I don’t remember a lot, except being thankful for a daily routine of working out, going to work, returning home, dinner, and bedtime. (Then, getting up and doing it all over again the next day.) Being able to simply “do the next thing” in my day without thinking about it was what kept me functional.

We all are different… We heal differently… We grieve differently… And we all have a different timeline for those things. For anyone to decide that everyone should “magically” be healed within a certain (very small) window, is just silly.

For me, I know for the whole first year I was simply focused on breathing… just surviving from one day to the next was my goal. I couldn’t think any farther ahead then the next moment.

I remember dreading all the “firsts”… For me, that order was the first Valentine’s Day, his birthday, Easter, summer and the beach, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Years, and the awful anniversary of his death. I dreaded each one for weeks before the actual day. Then, trying to figure out what to do… how to spend the day… or if I even wanted to recognize the day at all was overwhelming.

Most of those days, I ran away and ignored the world…

I remember traveling alone for the first time. It was a business trip, but it still felt strange… No one to take me to the airport. No one for me to call and say, “I made it here safely.” No one to greet me when I got back home. It was hard… I especially remember trying to just get my breathing under control as I drove to the airport in the wee hours of the morning.

I also remember wearing black for that entire first year. To the rest of the world, it probably wasn’t even noticeable… everyone wears black these days, and as a woman in the business world, it just looked like any other professional woman in any other office. The thing is I didn’t do it to make a statement… It was simply a reflection of how I felt at the time. It wasn’t until somewhere in the second year, that I started to realize the color was starting to set my mood rather than reflect it. Then, I knew that it was time for me to stop… but not before that.

I have written many times about people being uncomfortable with my grief and wanting me to “put it aside”, so to speak. I’m not sure if that is for my benefit as much as it just makes them more comfortable not to be confronted with it. (I understand… It’s hard to see someone you love struggling with sadness and grief.)

In fact, many of you have written to me stating the same thing. Yes, we are sad… We are grieving… But the best way to heal is not by ignoring those feelings or shoving them down deep inside. Honestly, I found expressing my grief really was best for me… And I did so with my writing, by sharing stories, in my dress, in my paintings, and so many other ways that I can’t even begin to name them all.

My point, though, is this… If you are grieving, then do so with no apologies to anyone else. Let yourself feel what you feel. Then, be honest about those emotions so you can keep moving forward. Like me with the black clothes… It was a good thing in the beginning because it let me express myself in my own quiet way. However, once I realized it was no longer an expression of my feelings, but instead was swaying my emotions, I knew it was time to stop…

That is what I mean… It’s okay to feel what you feel… And no one has the authority or right to tell you when to stop… You just keep doing those things that help you move forward… Even it it’s baby steps… And that’s okay!

Whether you are new to this group or whether you have been visiting with us for a while, I am sorry for the reason you are here. I hate it for you… and for all of us. This is not a path any of us want to be on. Yet, here we are. This journey is an odd one – filled with challenges we never imagined. We never know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger. That can sometimes make this journey feel even more lonely. Yet, there are other times when I know I am not alone at all. We are here for each other. This journey holds both challenges and peace-filled moments for each of us. Yet, it is actually our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another.

I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… A Message for Me

The last few weeks have found me cleaning out and throwing out. I have bins upon bins in my garage due to several circumstances… I had to move everything out of my house when I had new floors installed this summer; my daughter and I emptied out a storage unit we had been renting together; and I will be working from home permanently, so I went and got all of my stuff from the office. I don’t want all this stuff, though. So, I am determined that nothing is coming back into this house until I go through it and decide if I really want to keep it… Everything else is either charity or trash.

(Sigh)… What an undertaking… However, slowly but surely, I am making progress.

It has also been quite interesting to see old family pictures, newspaper clippings of my kids, pictures of Bruce and I that I had forgotten about, and the list goes on and on. Each day I unpack and go through at least one bin, and today, I chose one of the bins filled with stuff from my office.

I was just there gathering my stuff this past week. It was so eerie going into that huge empty building. There was no one there except me and the security guard… and the silence was deafening. It was also sad… the idea of not going there again… not seeing my friends… or hearing people laugh across the room… or even that low hum of business… of people focused and working.

I will miss all that…

I have worked in that office longer than I have worked or lived anywhere… over 12 years. It probably sounds weird, but that office holds a sweet spot in my heart. In the weeks and months after Bruce died, it provided me with a space to go to that felt “normal.” Because of what I do, Bruce had never been inside my office, so it didn’t feel weird that he wasn’t there. It felt like it was supposed to… It felt like it should… It felt like work.

That space quickly became a sanctuary away from the overwhelming grief and silence I felt at home. I think that is why I went back to work so soon after he died. I just couldn’t continue to sit in this house any longer, staring at the walls and waiting (praying) for him to return. But the office offered a distraction… There was work to do, and people all around me doing exactly that. And, whenever I felt too sad or needed a break from all of that, I simply shut the door to my office for a little while.

A few months after Bruce died, the son of one of my friends there was killed in a horrible accident. In the months that followed, she and I reached out to each other in our grief for support… and hugs… and just to know there was someone who understood the pain that we were both drowning in.

One particular morning, she came into my office, handed me a piece of paper, and sat down. She had had a dream the night before, and in her dream, Bruce had asked her to give me a message. At the time, I took that piece of paper and taped it to my computer. I needed that daily reminder that I wasn’t alone…

However, over time, my mind grew accustomed to that piece of paper, and after years of it sitting in the same space, I barely noticed it. In fact, in the 17 months we have been working from home, I don’t believe I have thought of that piece of paper back in the office at all. I simply forgot all about it… until today when I was unpacking that bin from the office.

And there it was… torn and stained, but still there…

“From Bruce: (2/6/2014)
I pray that you will realize the depth and breadth of God’s love for you – a love that has no limits. I pray that you will have a revelation of His immense love for you knowing that nothing can separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Neither death nor life, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers in all creation can keep God from loving you. May God’s demonstration of His love through His son be so real, that there will be no room for doubt. May you experience the fullness of God’s love today.”

This precious message was originally sent to me at a time when I was struggling with my faith and praying for answers… I wasn’t even sure I wanted to believe in a God who had let the love of my life die in my arms. Then… to have that same message reappear in my world today… a time when I find myself solidly on a path of faith where Bruce’s own legacy has guided me consistently over the years…

Well… All I can say it that my heart is full today, and I am so thankful for the love and blessings that Bruce still brings to my world.

To old friends, (whose names I recognize week to week), as well as anyone new to our site… I am sorry for the reason you are here. I hate it for you. This is not a club that anyone wants to join. Yet, here we are, and none of us are alone. This journey is an odd one – filled with challenges we never imagined. We never know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when something will remind us of our loved ones. We never know when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger. That can sometimes make this journey feel even more lonely. Yet, there are other times when I know I am not alone at all. We are here for each other. This journey holds both challenges and peace-filled moments for each of us. Yet, it is actually our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.