Tag: who I am

Peace, Love, and Grief… Being Who I Am Meant to Be

Know what I miss? … I miss Bruce! (Big surprise, I’m sure.) I miss this man… This wonderful man who encouraged me to have a voice… Who encouraged me to be the person I was meant to be.

This week, I watched a docuseries on TV about a recent, popular, fundamentalist movement. This movement, as it turns out, has been quite entrenched in the religion of my childhood for a very long time. While my experience was not as extreme as the experiences of the people in the series, I still realized (quite quickly) just how much that experience has affected my entire life – from the message of “male authority” to the message of “never good enough” (and all the messages in between).

I have spent years running from all of that…

But Bruce… Dear, sweet Bruce was my hero! (My “Jesus with the skin on” as my mother liked to say.) He always thought I was enough. He, also, never believed in “male authority”. He simply wanted to love me… and for me to love him… and for both of us to be happy living as the people we were meant to be.

“Someone’s inability to see our value does not detract from our worth.” ~ Sheri McGegor, M.A., Done With the Crying

What a concept! It was something I had never experienced before Bruce. And the best part… It was completely unconditional, and it was real! Every time I think about it, my heart nearly bursts. This is how life and love are supposed to be. Yet so many of us never get here.

The problem was when Bruce died, I was lost… I didn’t know how to find any of that for myself… or by myself. That struggle has been such a huge part of my journey these past ten years.

So, while watching this series this week, for the first time ever, I realized why I have struggle so… These messages have been instilled in me since early childhood… They are deep in my bones… And I cried… a lot.

I cried for what was. I cried for what wasn’t. I cried for how this affected me as a parent. I cried for how this affected me as a wife. I cried for how this affected me as a woman. I cried out of sadness. I cried out of grief. I cried out of anger… I cried until there were no more emotions and no more tears.

Then… I remembered this hero… This man who loved me simply as me. This man who encouraged me to simply be me – the good, the bad, whatever… He loved all of me.

So tonight, as I am crying (with realization) and writing (to get all this out), I am also finding solace in the most amazing love I ever knew.

It brings to mind a conversation I had with Bruce’s Mom a couple of weeks ago… She was telling me (for the millionth time) that they, (Bruce’s family), will still love me if I were to meet someone else. They just want me to be happy. To which I replied, “Mom, I’ve had the worst of the worst, and the best of the best. (Bruce, obviously, was the best.) And I’m not willing to (or don’t want to) settle for anything in the middle.” She just smiled, patted my hand, and gave me a hug… (And I am sure, down the road, she will tell me again… because their love, too, is unconditional.)

I know – never say never, but I meant it… Bruce was amazing. He was my hero… and my kids’ hero… My love for him will last forever… And his love for me will get me there.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Who Am I?

How do you identify? That seems to be the question of the day lately… In some ways, it is easy to answer, and in other ways, I’m not always sure what to say…

Currently at work, we have a company-wide Diversity and Inclusion training program happening. As one of the company trainers who will be leading the training in the next quarter, I have been studying the material and asking a thousand questions of the facilitators who are currently training the program.

I realize there will be some who will read this and roll their eyes, but honestly, it is a great program. There is no guilt or beating anyone up emotionally, nor is it intended to tell anyone what to think. It is simply a “who are you” and “who do you want to be” kind of program… I like it… And it has me thinking…

The program starts with a screen filled with hundreds (or so it seems) of boxes labeled with different things one might associate with or relate to – sexual orientation, religious preferences, marital status, race, nationality, life experiences, etc. … You name it, and it is there. Each person is instructed to pick as many as they wish – anything you identify or associate with who you are as an individual. Then, we take turns introducing ourselves using our “boxes” of “who we are.”

In my first class, I probably picked about 25 or more boxes, “widow” being one of them. Then, as I listened to others introducing themselves, I found myself crossing off any items I thought might be either controversial or might make others uncomfortable… “Widow” was actually still on my list when I started to talk, but I never said it… I looked at it and skimmed on past. At first, I wasn’t even sure why I did it… All I knew was I didn’t want to say it in front of a group of 20+ strangers.

Weird, huh? Especially since it is not a secret… It is something I write about every single week and put it out there for the whole world to read… Yet, I never mentioned it.

I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks trying to figure out why. Honestly, I’m not completely sure. When Bruce first died, I think I told everyone I met that I was a widow. I was so appalled and angry that he had died, and I was still here that I just wanted the world to know how unfair it was that I was alone… I wanted the whole world to know that I didn’t like it one bit. At that point, coming to terms with that title and all it encompassed was consuming my world. So, I guess it made sense that I was always using it to describe me and who I was.

Over time though, I came to realize that the words “I’m a widow” or “my husband died” are some of the fastest ways to stop a conversation. People aren’t just uncomfortable with that information; they literally have no idea what to say or how to respond. It can be an awful way to throw my struggles out into the middle of the room, while no one else knows quite what to do with it. So… somewhere over time, I simply stopped telling people.

The strange thing is being a widow is still so much a part of who I am… of how I identify myself. It’s not like it is a label I want… It is simply a label that is accurate. It is constantly in my head (usually somewhere in the background). Yet, it is one of the few things, which I find I keep to myself most often in public. This forum is actually one of the few places I feel comfortable talking about it openly.

So… Here is my dilemma, I suppose… I am a widow. It is a huge piece of who I am, because it has had the biggest impact on me over the last eight+ years. The circumstances that created that title changed everything about me. And while I am moving forward and find myself healing a little more each day, I still haven’t managed to expand past it in many ways.

I know I have grown. I know have healed in so many ways. Yet, it still boils down to the fact that I am a widow, in the same way that so many of my friends are married. It is a big part of who I am. I wish I felt comfortable explaining that in a room full of strangers, but I have a feeling that when it is my turn again, I will likely leave it off – partly because I know how uncomfortable it can make people and partly because I dread the perception that others might have.

Then again, maybe I will talk about it… I know this class is supposed to the space where we can help each other realign or reshape our views about certain labels. I know it is a chance to be honest about who I am… And who knows… maybe it will help me find a way to be honest about who I am without stopping the conversation or making everyone in the room uncomfortable… Maybe it will even be a way to open the door to anyone else struggling with how to be honest about a label and how it is perceived.

“When you let others label you, invariably they make your world too small.” ~ Unknown

Whether you are new to this group or whether you have been visiting with us for a while, I am sorry for the reason you are here. I hate it for you… and for all of us. This is not a path any of us want to be on. Yet, here we are. This journey is an odd one – filled with challenges we never imagined. We never know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger. That can sometimes make this journey feel even more lonely. Yet, there are other times when I know I am not alone at all. We are here for each other. This journey holds both challenges and peace-filled moments for each of us. Yet, it is actually our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Who I am

I know I am not who I was;
But I’m not sure I am.
~ Linda, October 2016

For decades, scientists have argued the heredity vs environment theories. Today, most will acknowledge that it is a bit of both. If you had siblings or multiple children, you also most likely agree. Sharing the same DNA does not mean replica children. It is also our experiences that help shape and mold us. They seem to add the details in our life’s tapestry that significantly affect who we become.

In other words, who we are is fluid based on our experiences. Once we have experienced something, we cannot UN-see or UN-hear it… We cannot UN-experience it. So by nature, each experience creates constant change and growth in each of us.

I believe most of us would agree… There is not a lot to argue… or ponder… Until those big experiences knock us off our feet. Then there is a lot to think about…

After my first marriage ended, I realized that I had spent my whole adult life (up to that point) not being myself… Out of fear, I became whatever was needed in any given moment not to anger my first husband. As a consequence, I had lost any idea of myself and who I was. It took several years of being alone to rediscover who I was and have enough confidence to just be me around others.

By the time I met Bruce, I was pretty comfortable with myself. I was still healing, but at the same time, I was learning how to enjoy life and laugh again. Bruce’s unconditional love and acceptance, however, went a long way to helping me love life again… life with him.

With the love we shared, life changed again… It was filled with all the “normal” marriage and family things, but this time our love for each other was at the core of all of it. During this short time together, we both grew… but we grew together.

No matter how bad things appeared on the surface… issues with our kids, money, job loss, moves, or anything else that life threw our way… the central theme was “We love each other, and we can get through this together.”

I had never experienced that before… The idea that I wasn’t alone or on the defensive was new… and wonderful! I must tell you, I flourished. I stopped acting out of fear and learned to be totally comfortable with being me. It was such a freeing way to live. Maybe it sounds crazy, but the connection and acceptance of each other was so strong during this time together, I felt whole or the first time.

Then it all changed…

Bruce died. It felt like the ground beneath my feet crumbled away, as I fell into an abyss. It was lonely and dark… I was lost.

Losing your soulmate feels like your soul has been ripped out;
Leaving nothing but a shell.
A shell that breathes and moves,
But feels no hope…
not anymore.
~Linda, October 2013

Now it is three years later, and I am doing better. I am still sad, but no longer despondent. I am slowly learning how to me… without Bruce… one person – no longer “two as one.”

As time passes, I am noticing ways I am different now… some changes are small and others are pretty big. For example, I am much more quiet than I used to be. I used to talk to everyone, (which was how I met Bruce). Now, while I don’t avoid talking, and I will smile and nod – maybe even say a “hello” – but it takes a lot for me to actually start a conversation. I enjoy life, and I have learned to laugh again, but I am also quite content to be alone – lost in my own thoughts. As a former music and drama teacher, I used to be completely comfortable entertaining, singing or being in front of a crowd. Now, I content to sit back and observe… and I only sing when it is along with the radio, and I am alone.

But, I think the biggest change for me has been trust. I used to trust everyone… until they gave me multiple reasons not to. When Bruce died that all changed.
So many people made empty promises, others just disappeared and still others actually took advantage or tried to take advantage of my situation for their own gain. While none of these will be a surprise to any other widow(er), I was caught completely by surprise. It even reached a point where I didn’t even trust God anymore.

However, through journaling, meditation and studying the books Bruce read, I am learning to trust God/life again. I learning to trust that things will work out the way they should in their own time. Grief has changed me immensely, and I am still learning who I am now. I know I will never be that person I was; I am different now.

But I guess, through this experience I am learning to be who I am meant to be…

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings…
~ Lao Tzu

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with figuring out who you are after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Who Am I?

Who am I?
I am a Mom, a friend, a listener.
I am a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on.
I am everyone… and I am no one.
I am a woman, a lover, and now
I am a broken soul;
A heart torn in half.
Who am I?
I don’t know…
But I am searching.
~ Linda, September 21, 2013

Who am I? For most of us, that may seem like such a simple question… Or maybe even a “who cares” kind of question. But when your world turns upside down, who you are comes into question for many of us. At least, it has for me.

Research shows us that most men identify themselves strongly with their jobs or careers, while most women find their identity wrapped up in the success of their family. Please keep in mind, this is not all men or women – just a “majority” statement. But even if these generalities are true, each of us still has other items in our lives that we also wrap our identity around.

But what happens when any of these things are gone? We are still here… But who we are changes. With that in mind, we need to be very careful what we wrap our identities around, because when those things are out of our control, it is too easy to end up lost.

After my first marriage, I felt so beaten down that I had no idea who I was. However, I was excited at the prospect of making that discovery. In my first years alone, just to be able to think for myself without any worry of reprisal was amazing! I began to realize who I was as a mother, a friend and a woman. After a few short years with Bruce, I finally felt like I had a firm grasp on the total package of who I am.

However, after that fate-filled day in 2013 when Bruce died, I suddenly realized how much of my identity was centered around us as a couple – “two people united as one.” I believe that is normal… I believe that lives intertwining is simply a result of loving someone completely. Nevertheless, trying to see myself without him, made “who am I” a very tough question once again.

About a week after Bruce’s death, I remember walking into our local pharmacy seeing two women who were easily 25 – 30 years my senior and thinking, “I can’t be a widow. That is what a widow looks like. That can’t be me.” Since that day, I’ve come to understand that “widow” is a label society has given me… a box I must check on forms that ask my marital status. While in some ways it may be only a part of my identity, it is a hard part accept. Perhaps it is hard to accept, because it is not who I am… not really. That is only a small piece of me… I am so much more than a label.

I also have a great job… one that I am extremely passionate about. In fact, I love going to work, and I do not dread Monday mornings. However, my job is not who I am either. In fact, I would say it is the other way around… It is “who I am” that allows me to bring such passion to my job.

Honestly, I still identify very strongly with being part of a couple. Thinking of myself as “just me” is still hard – even 3+ years later. I am still struggling to figure out how I fit into this world – where my space is… and where I belong.

However, despite that struggle, despite feeling a little lost, I know who I want to be… who I am working daily to be.

First, I am grateful… grateful that I am a daughter, a sister, a Mom, a “GG” and a friend. I know I am blessed by each of these relationships. For my kids, their spouses and my grandson, I want to be a source of support and love. For my family, my friends and neighbors, I want to be a positive impact on their lives. For the world around me, I want to be love and peace… I want to be willing to serve in whatever capacity I am able in any given moment.

Like anyone else, I know I have good qualities that I am working to build up, and not-so-good qualities I am working to overcome.

In other words, for me, “who I am” is really centered around the qualities within me and the legacy I leave behind as I encounter the world around me.

More than likely, I will always feel a little lost without Bruce, but the biggest part of realizing “who I am” is to remember that time doesn’t stand still. Who we are changes as our lives change. So the best thing I can do is to strive each day to be just a little bit better “me” than the day before…

What about you? Do you have a story to share? A story about coming to terms with who you are without you loved one?

Please share your story with us… This is OUR community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.