Month: May 2018

Peace, Love and Grief… Looking for Signs

“Well, that’s it. You see what you want to see, and you hear what you want to hear.” ~ Harry Nilsson, The Point

When Bruce died, I read and heard about so many people who received signs from the people they had lost. Since it didn’t seem to be everyone, I figured, who knows… Maybe Harry Nilsson got it right… Maybe we see what we choose to see or ignore what we choose to ignore. As for me… I was hoping for signs… Even to this day, I continually look for signs from Bruce… And he has sent them. Signs that he is here. Signs things will be okay. Signs that let me know I am not alone.

One of the first signs I recognized was pelicans…

I have always loved pelicans. They are a symbol of sacrificial love and are often seen depicted in churches. After Bruce’s memorial, I was awestruck as a flock of 21 pelicans flew overhead. In that moment, it seemed so right… A great reminder of Bruce’s love – unconditional and sacrificial – never one to put himself first. Even today, whenever I see a pelican, I find myself whispering, “I love you too, Babe.”

Other signs have included objects (with some significance to Bruce and I) being moved. (I’m a bit picky about where things belong, so I definitely notice when something is moved.) For example, a friend gave me a worry doll after Bruce passed away. It lays on my bedside table in front of my lamp. One morning when I awoke, it was missing. I looked on the floor, but it wasn’t there. A few hours later, as I sat down to write in my journal, I found it. It had moved across the room, onto my desk. It was sitting in the center of a palm-frond Cherokee rose given to me by Bruce when we were on a vacation in SC.

Another sign involved our foosball table. Bruce and I loved playing foosball. Whenever we played, he always flipped his men nearest his goal, so he wouldn’t block himself, if he took a shot. When Bruce died, I was alone… I wasn’t playing foosball. As I mentioned, I am a bit particular, so I would always make sure the men were lined up precisely. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I would walk by the table to find his men flipped upside down in “true Bruce fashion.” (Granted, now I have an 8-year-old little boy in the house, so I no longer pay attention to the foosball men.)

Then of course, there was the butterfly dream when this whole cancer thing first started. Because of that dream, butterflies have come to symbolize Bruce’s presence and guidance throughout this ordeal…

I live in a small town. While we have a cancer center, my care there was not instilling confidence or trust. My questions were not being answered. Instead, I was consistently told, “This is how we treat all cancer here. Just do it.” But that didn’t work for me… I’ve done my homework, and I know there are different treatment options out there. Breast cancer is not a cookie cutter disease with one cookie cutter treatment.

So, the more I was dismissed, the more I dug in my heels. Finally, a saint within the system recognized my frustration, and I was given a referral to a (very large) breast cancer clinic just a few hours away.

As we walked into the first building 2 weeks ago, my sister nudged me and pointed… There on the wall was a mural of butterflies larger than me. I smiled. Maybe this was a sign… It sure felt like it. We took the elevator upstairs to the breast clinic. There on the wall was a metal sculpture of hundreds of butterflies. At that point, I knew this was where I needed to be… This is where I could relax in the hands of doctors who would treat me with the latest knowledge, treatments… and respect.

Sure enough… my questions have all been answered. I have been given options… And my choices have not been second guessed. But that’s not all…

This past week, we were there for my pre-surgery work-up. I walked into the hotel room feeling apprehensive and a bit sad – still wishing more than anything, that Bruce were here beside me. I put down my bags and looked around. There on the wall was a beautiful painting of a pelican… A whispered, “Thank you, Babe… I love you too,” instantly escaped my lips.

And while I know I won’t be able to feel Bruce physically beside me tomorrow, I still know, without a doubt, he is here… And in my heart, I know I am where I am supposed to be, because he sent me here.

While everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way, sometimes new trauma is that much harder to handle simply because those we loved are no longer beside us… It can feel lonely and overwhelming. However, being open to the signs that our loved ones are still with us, can have a miraculous affect on our outlook. These were my thoughts and reactions this week as I prepare to undergo surgery and the follow-up treatments. Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have experienced something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone.

If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

Quick Note: I am not sure how this next week will play out, and if I will be able to post next week. Please know that I will do my best to be here. Thank you for your good thoughts, prayers and positive vibes as I prepare to “fight the good fight!”

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day!

I used to hate those words… After the dysfunction and violence of my first marriage, I carried way too much guilt to feel like I should be celebrated at all. My kids had to deal with so much crap – so much stuff children should never know even exists in this world. I couldn’t bear the idea of any of them telling me “thank you” for their childhood or for being their mom.

This has been a struggle for me for years… They disagree. For whatever reason, they seem to understand what made me stay in that marriage for so long. AND they stood strong when we left, as well as, through the years as we learned (as a team) how to survive… In other words, my kids are amazing! They are the reason I can toast the day and still smile.

But when I look back, the first Mother’s Day with Bruce is another that will always stand out…

We had only known each other a little over a year and had only been married for a few months. I had absolutely no expectations for the day. After all, I wasn’t his mother or the mother of his child. Yes, when he married me, that was a package deal which included my children, but all of them were over 18, except my youngest. She was the only one that lived with us (the other three were still in SC)… And at the time, my youngest wasn’t very happy about any of that.

I remember waking up that Sunday morning, and the sun was shining in Michigan – something we hadn’t seen in months. As we lay in the bed snuggling, he reached over the edge and produced a small card which he handed to me with a mischievous grin. I remember handing it back and saying, “Don’t.” But he wasn’t having any of that.

I protested and said, “You don’t have to do this… My being a mother has nothing to do with you.” To which he replied, “You being a mother is a huge part of who you are, and that has everything to do with me. I will always celebrate who you are, because I love you… And that means all of you.”

I remember the card talked about his love for me and my love for my kids. I remember crying so hard as I tried to read it, he ended up reading it to me. Inside, were three tickets to go see The Phantom of the Opera that afternoon (Me, Bruce and my youngest daughter) … TICKETS? To the Opera?? From Bruce???

Now, I need to back up a bit… Bruce made no pretense about nor did he apologize for) who he was. He as a truck driver who loved body building/working out, Jimmy Buffet, football and hockey. He was not a fan of the theater, especially musicals or opera. The idea that a man had gone outside of his own comfort zone to give me (and participate in) something that was solely about me was something I had never experienced before.

I remember being skeptical – Would he really go? Was he going to take me but spend the whole time pouting or acting miserable because it really wasn’t anything he wanted to do?

No… True to who he was, it was the most wonderful afternoon! He made it a true event – Nothing was off limits… And to top it all off, he swore he loved and enjoyed it, as well! Whether that last part was really true or not, I’ll never know. He always swore it was, and that is all I have to go on.

Every year after that, Bruce always made a point to celebrate me on Mother’s Day. It didn’t matter where we were or what life had thrown our way, he always made sure we spent the day doing something I loved.

When he passed, that first Mother’s Day was hard. I didn’t want to celebrate… I found myself going back to those feelings of guilt about my children’s past. But I must say, my kids wouldn’t have it. They did and continue to make this day a special one…

And this year was no different…

While I find myself contemplating the idea that this could be my last Mother’s Day, I also know it could one of many more to come… We don’t know… Life will have its own way, and all we can do is go along for the ride. I can’t change what was or what is ahead. I can only live this moment and be thankful for what it is…

Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. There are pieces of our past we might change if we could. But, since we can’t we can either allow ourselves to get caught up in the parts we don’t like or choose to find moments in the past worth celebrating. Bruce taught me to celebrate and let the rest go… We don’t need to always be happy, and it’s okay to feel what we feel and be who we are… This is how life was meant to be – learning to let go of what feels wrong and celebrating the good.

These are only my thoughts and reactions this week as I celebrate this day without Bruce. Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Please, Don’t Say That

There is a place within each of us that is the source of our life – it’s the well, the tank, the engine, the overflow in our soul that we live from. In the wisdom of Proverbs, it’s the place in our being where the waters run deep. Sometimes this place is overflowing with life, and sometimes it feels drained and empty.
~ Rob Bell, How to Be Here

When I read it, this quote struck such a chord with me… It’s so true. Life ebbs and flows… Sometimes it is wonderful and other times… Well, it just isn’t. There are times when I am so happy, I think my smile and euphoria could create a life of their own, and there are other times when I am so empty and sad, I can’t see from this moment to the next.

This has been true throughout my life, as I am sure it has been in yours. We all have the choice to feel what we feel or to push those feelings down and pretend they aren’t there… And to be honest, I believe, there are appropriate times for both. The problem comes when my choice makes others uncomfortable… The strange thing is this only seems to occur when my feelings are sad or empty…

For example, when Bruce passed away, my whole world crumbled. It felt as if I had imploded, and I struggled to find myself… Mere survival took all my energy. At first, people were understanding. However, learning to live with grief takes time, and that is where the struggle takes place. So many people have felt the need to “fix” it… To “fix” me. They want to tell me what I need to do to get “better,” which eventually becomes some form of “get over it.” That was really hard at first. Now, I know they meant well. Now, I understand their need to cheer me up. Now, I really do know their hearts were (and are) in the right place.

The problem was I didn’t know that then. I only knew what I needed… I needed people who were willing to simple sit and “be” with me. I needed someone to be okay with tears and listening to stories of Bruce that made me smile.

The words “get over it” were an impossibility… The idea that it was that simple seemed like an implication that there was something wrong with me. While it wasn’t meant to be, it felt judgmental… It wasn’t helpful… It would shut me down.

Over the years, I still get that response occasionally when I mention Bruce in conversation, or if someone feels I’m not doing something with my life which they feel would be “normal.” Honestly, that doesn’t bother me as much anymore… Because usually I just smile (and ignore it).

It’s funny, though, since I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, I find myself struggling (grieving in a way), for what is… and what isn’t… At this point, I really am “looking for butterflies,” but that doesn’t take away the reality of the cancer… And the reality is – I’m scared.

There are days when I feel okay… I am thankful for the day and each moment in it. But there are also days when the fear is overwhelming… I have to work at keeping my fears to myself… I have to work at “looking for the butterflies.” But, I think that is natural… and okay.

The crazy part came this week, when my doctor said to me, “Are you really okay? You can be frank with me… I don’t mind.” So, I was… I didn’t have a total melt-down, but there were tears and I talked about how I was really feeling… It felt good to talk about it… It even felt good to let myself cry.

Then came those words… The words that can still shut me up faster than anything… “You need to get over all that.”

I couldn’t believe it! Seriously? How could she say, “tell me” and then respond like that? But then she went on… “When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, that is what my husband told me… He was trying to help… He meant well… But it wasn’t very helpful.”

It took me a moment to realize she understood… She really understood… She went on to tell me it was okay to feel what I feel… And she would sit there with me all day and talk about it, if that was what I wanted.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE! What a blessing… and exactly when I needed it! To have someone tell me, it’s okay to be scared… It’s okay to cry… And it’s okay to not be okay right now (and maybe be okay later)… It’s all okay.

That is what makes life – life. It is what creates the flavors of life… It is what makes life real and genuine… Because when we allow ourselves the sad times, we are better able to appreciate the good times.

For a painting to truly reflect life, it must include the shadows… Otherwise, the painting will be stilted and awkward… Only a poor image of the beauty available. To live our life, we must learn to accept the shadows; not strive to control them. Let go… then the true beauty of your life will be found.
~Linda, October 2013

Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. We don’t need to always be happy, nor do we need to stay where we are empty… It is okay to feel what we feel and be who we are… This is how life was meant to be – learning to live with the good and the bad.

These are only my thoughts and reactions this week as I try to adapt to this whole cancer thing, (while wishing Bruce were here to give me strength and support). Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.