Tag: signs

Peace, Love, and Grief – When a Sign is Not a Sign

When Bruce first died, I remember begging him not to leave me… I couldn’t see how to do life without him… I didn’t even want to try for a very long time. From the beginning, the signs that Bruce left for me made it possible for me to keep going – one day at a time.

By the time I was diagnosed with cancer, (several years later), I had taken my wedding ring off and was wearing it on the chain with Bruce’s wedding ring around my neck. Suddenly faced with the prospect of some pretty scary treatment options, I found myself longing for Bruce. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to go through all of that stuff by myself… without him… It felt impossible.

So, while I continued to wear his ring on the chain, my rings went back on my finger. I just needed to feel like he was there with me through all of it. Physically, my sister selflessly went with me to every appointment, treatment, surgery, and recovery. I couldn’t have done it without her by my side. The rest of my comfort I drew from remembering the love Bruce and I shared. I could feel him with me, as well, throughout all of it.

The next year, I was diagnosed with another cancer. I was beginning to wonder if this was going to be a “rest of my life” kind of thing. I was frustrated and tired. I wasn’t sure I had the mental strength to do it again… Somehow, I could feel Bruce and I knew I could… and I did.

That’s the way it has been… I have challenges in life (like everyone else). Somehow, though, I always feel Bruce’s strength and love with me through whatever challenge I am facing… I never truly feel alone.
As I shared last week, I am often hesitant to share the details around the signs from Bruce… to talk about the signs… the energy shifts… the ways I know it is him, because it sounds a bit crazy. I know this… At the same time, I also know how common it is for a lot of us. That is why I want to share my “signs” story from this week.

Here in Florida, this is hurricane season. Not trying to jinx a good thing, however, where I am located seems to be magical – as if it has a bubble over it. Local legend says that is why NASA is here. There is something about the way the winds blow over this town… They seem to push the worst of the storms either north or south of us.

Last weekend when the news about Milton started taking shape, we started thinking about what kind of preparations to make. I have ridden out a couple of CAT 1 hurricanes here by myself, and this time, my son was going to be here with me. He is “Mr. Chill” about everything, while I tend to go too far into my emotions. As a result, we seem to balance each other out quite well. Therefore, the idea that Milton would be a CAT 1 or 2 when it passed overhead seemed doable.

We did all the recommended things – put up storm shutters and sandbags, made sure we had everything charged and extra batteries on hand, bought plenty of groceries, moved the porch furniture inside, and hunkered down to wait it out. As night fell and the storm made landfall, my son went on to bed, while I settled myself on the couch with the news on… That was where I planned to spend the overnight hours – dozing and watching the progress of the storm.

As I lay there watching the news, (even though I know they tend to over-sensationalize everything storm related), I started feeling fear drip into my soul. All the “what-if’s” started playing through my mind at break-neck speed. In an effort to reign that in and settle my mind, I closed my eyes and took a few long deep breathes, before saying out loud, “Bruce… I don’t know where you are right now, but I sure wish you were here. I could really use a hug, and to hear you whisper that it’s all going to be okay.”

As I opened my eyes, I noticed that the curtains next to me were moving… and I smiled… I needed to know Bruce was with me, and there was my sign. I knew it was all going to be okay… I wasn’t alone.
I closed my eyes and drew in another breath… Peeked to make sure the curtains were still moving, (which they were), and fell sound asleep. I didn’t hear another thing until my alarm went off the next morning. The storm was still going on outside, but inside, we were safe and dry…

Now… I have always been one to test each and every sign to see if it is real or not. As I sat there staring at the curtains – no longer moving at this point, I started to wonder if something had made the curtains move. The AC was my thought, but the only vent pointing into this room was so far away… Plus, the angle was off.

However, I knew I needed to test it. So, I turned the thermostat down and waited for the unit to kick on. Sure enough, it took a minute or two, but the curtain started to move just as it had the night before. It wasn’t Bruce or energy shifting. It was just the way the air flows around the furniture and the corners of the room.

I smiled to myself… no, it wasn’t a sign… Then again, what I needed in that moment was comfort… and comfort was exactly what I received. So, maybe it doesn’t really matter if something can be proven or disproven, as long as the result is one that brings peace to my soul when I need it.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Signs of Love

I am often hesitant to share stories about signs I receive from Bruce. While I know in my heart and without a doubt the signs are from him, I am also well aware that to many people they will sound like I am off my rocker. At the same, I also know I am not the only one… Many of you have privately shared stories of signs from your loved ones and the absolute love you feel in those moments.

Today, I want to share one such story (with permission). I have known Sharon for years. She is a wonderful, positive, and loving person – always thinking of others… always ready with a joke and a smile. When she recently lost her father, my heart broke for her. Yet, this story (in true Sharon style) brought a smile and the warmth of love to my day…

In Sharon Spungen’s own words…

“Starting the new year with a hug from dad and a dash of hope.

Got up this morning in plenty of time to get to temple early to rehearse with the choir. But as I looked around in a panic, I realized… I could not find my tallis.

I usually wear the one we got our sons for their bar mitzvahs… it has rainbow stripes, and I love the bright colors and positive energy that comes from thinking of my boys.

But today? As hard as I looked… I couldn’t find it. Anywhere. And yes, I know I have a lot of brightly cored rainbow things in my house. I get that. But this tallis that I just wore a few weeks ago for a student’s bar mitzvah? Where on earth could I have put it???

Frustrated, and now late, I checked the one place I had always kept it… and there like a sign… was Dad’s tallis. Opening it felt like a trip down memory lane. There were kippot from life events… my bat mitzvah, weddings <of those we love> and handwritten notes on dad’s Torah portion. I sat… and sobbed.

And when I walked into the rehearsal, late with tear-stained cheeks and still snuffling, wearing Dad’s tallis and kippah, I explained to all why… and Cantor said …. and I quote, “Your Dad has you covered.” And he was so right.

Wearing his Tallis was wearing a hug from him. I am pretty sure he chuckled at our chipmunk, and I would like to think he would have approved of my singing.

It was my first Rosh Hashanah without him. Last year at this time I couldn’t imagine a world without him in it. Now it is the reality I have to face. Unataneh Tokef hit hard.

But. When I came home and walked into my room… there sat the rainbow tallis as visible as could be on my desk. I think he knew I needed his presence today.

May this year bring peace to all. Lshana Tovah.”

Rereading and sharing this here makes me smile and feel all that loving energy all over again. I love that our loved ones can reach out and still make us aware of their presence and their love. Thank you, Sharon, for sharing that love with us today!
__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A Wedding… And He Was There

This weekend was a celebration… My youngest daughter got married! It was amazing to watch the her and her husband laugh and play throughout the entire day. It was a day which truly reflected each of them as individuals and who they are as a couple.

However, there were also some bittersweet moments, as well.

Years ago, when Bruce and I got married, it was the most wonderful day… It was a small, simple ceremony at the courthouse, with only a few family members present. In fact, because of timing and distance, my youngest daughter was the person from my family who was able to attend. I can’t say she was a willing, or enthusiastic, witness. (Now, we laugh about that.) However, in her defense, she had just been moved to a whole new state – away from her siblings – so her mother could marry a man she barely knew, while she was in the middle of high school.

The first few months were hard… She was very angry with Bruce and I. She didn’t want to be there… In fact, she didn’t want to be anywhere near either of us. However, the tide did turn (and it was sooner than I had expected). By the six-month mark, she was baking him cookies and referring to him as her “dad.”

Their relationship grew through the years as he filled a void in her life and became the loving father she didn’t have. Many nights I would come home to find him helping her with homework or giving hugs after a rough day. Many winter evenings were filled with the two of them having an indoor snowball fight (in winter) or a water war (in summer). He taught her how to snowboard and attended all of her concerts, dance competitions and theater productions. She relied on him for advice, such as which first apartment would be best or what next step to take in her life… And he was always there for her… Always.

Like many girls, she used to dream about what her wedding would be like when she got married. For example, she always wanted a beach wedding. As she got older, and their relationship got stronger, she would to tell Bruce that when she got married, she wanted him to walk her down the aisle. He would always get this huge grin on his face and tease her about wearing a bathing suit on the bottom and a tuxedo on the top. But in all honesty, he also talked about how much it meant to him… He was so honored that she would ask him to fill this spot on such an important day in her life.

But time was not on his side, and as you already know, he died before he could keep that promise.

So, as she began to plan this wedding, she had to make some different choices. She and her brother have always been close. In fact, he was the one to take her to her Father/Daughter dances when she was younger. So, she knew he was the one she wanted to walk her down the aisle.

However, she still wanted to include Bruce. Also, the groom has lost his father and brother in recent years and wanted to include them, as well. So, they placed a memorial table prominently in the reception hall with all of their pictures and a sign that read, “Forever in our hearts.” It was a beautiful way to include them on such a special day.

That seems like it would be the end of the story, but it really isn’t…

You see, throughout the years since Bruce died, pelicans have come to symbolize Bruce’s presence for me. Knowing they are considered a symbol of great love and sacrifice, every time I see them, I think of him… and I smile. In fact, each year on our anniversary, when I go out to the beach to toast the day with him, it never fails – there is always a flock of pelicans flying by with the exact number to match the year. (For example, there were ten pelicans on our tenth anniversary.)

Well, this celebration was no different… Each time she was out at the beach making preparations, a pelican flew by as if to say, “Yes, I am here.” Then on Friday, as she and her new husband were walking back down the aisle, she looked up and there it was… One lone pelican flying by… In her heart and in mine, that was a sign from Bruce… A sign that he really was there… And he wouldn’t have missed it for the world!

What about you? Have you ever felt the presence of your loved one? Is there a certain animal or thing that when you see it, you just know they are there with you? I know this journey can be hard, but I also believe there are blessings along the way, if we are open to seeing them. I also believe we are in this together and would love to hear your stories. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Looking for Signs

“Well, that’s it. You see what you want to see, and you hear what you want to hear.” ~ Harry Nilsson, The Point

When Bruce died, I read and heard about so many people who received signs from the people they had lost. Since it didn’t seem to be everyone, I figured, who knows… Maybe Harry Nilsson got it right… Maybe we see what we choose to see or ignore what we choose to ignore. As for me… I was hoping for signs… Even to this day, I continually look for signs from Bruce… And he has sent them. Signs that he is here. Signs things will be okay. Signs that let me know I am not alone.

One of the first signs I recognized was pelicans…

I have always loved pelicans. They are a symbol of sacrificial love and are often seen depicted in churches. After Bruce’s memorial, I was awestruck as a flock of 21 pelicans flew overhead. In that moment, it seemed so right… A great reminder of Bruce’s love – unconditional and sacrificial – never one to put himself first. Even today, whenever I see a pelican, I find myself whispering, “I love you too, Babe.”

Other signs have included objects (with some significance to Bruce and I) being moved. (I’m a bit picky about where things belong, so I definitely notice when something is moved.) For example, a friend gave me a worry doll after Bruce passed away. It lays on my bedside table in front of my lamp. One morning when I awoke, it was missing. I looked on the floor, but it wasn’t there. A few hours later, as I sat down to write in my journal, I found it. It had moved across the room, onto my desk. It was sitting in the center of a palm-frond Cherokee rose given to me by Bruce when we were on a vacation in SC.

Another sign involved our foosball table. Bruce and I loved playing foosball. Whenever we played, he always flipped his men nearest his goal, so he wouldn’t block himself, if he took a shot. When Bruce died, I was alone… I wasn’t playing foosball. As I mentioned, I am a bit particular, so I would always make sure the men were lined up precisely. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I would walk by the table to find his men flipped upside down in “true Bruce fashion.” (Granted, now I have an 8-year-old little boy in the house, so I no longer pay attention to the foosball men.)

Then of course, there was the butterfly dream when this whole cancer thing first started. Because of that dream, butterflies have come to symbolize Bruce’s presence and guidance throughout this ordeal…

I live in a small town. While we have a cancer center, my care there was not instilling confidence or trust. My questions were not being answered. Instead, I was consistently told, “This is how we treat all cancer here. Just do it.” But that didn’t work for me… I’ve done my homework, and I know there are different treatment options out there. Breast cancer is not a cookie cutter disease with one cookie cutter treatment.

So, the more I was dismissed, the more I dug in my heels. Finally, a saint within the system recognized my frustration, and I was given a referral to a (very large) breast cancer clinic just a few hours away.

As we walked into the first building 2 weeks ago, my sister nudged me and pointed… There on the wall was a mural of butterflies larger than me. I smiled. Maybe this was a sign… It sure felt like it. We took the elevator upstairs to the breast clinic. There on the wall was a metal sculpture of hundreds of butterflies. At that point, I knew this was where I needed to be… This is where I could relax in the hands of doctors who would treat me with the latest knowledge, treatments… and respect.

Sure enough… my questions have all been answered. I have been given options… And my choices have not been second guessed. But that’s not all…

This past week, we were there for my pre-surgery work-up. I walked into the hotel room feeling apprehensive and a bit sad – still wishing more than anything, that Bruce were here beside me. I put down my bags and looked around. There on the wall was a beautiful painting of a pelican… A whispered, “Thank you, Babe… I love you too,” instantly escaped my lips.

And while I know I won’t be able to feel Bruce physically beside me tomorrow, I still know, without a doubt, he is here… And in my heart, I know I am where I am supposed to be, because he sent me here.

While everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way, sometimes new trauma is that much harder to handle simply because those we loved are no longer beside us… It can feel lonely and overwhelming. However, being open to the signs that our loved ones are still with us, can have a miraculous affect on our outlook. These were my thoughts and reactions this week as I prepare to undergo surgery and the follow-up treatments. Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have experienced something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone.

If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

Quick Note: I am not sure how this next week will play out, and if I will be able to post next week. Please know that I will do my best to be here. Thank you for your good thoughts, prayers and positive vibes as I prepare to “fight the good fight!”

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.