Tag: stockings

Peace, Love, and Grief – Twas the Week Before Christmas

I know that title sounds like the start of so many funny memes or GIFs that we see this time of year. However, each of us on this path knows that this time of year is anything but funny. Even the good days hold reminders that our loved ones are no longer here to enjoy the season, and somehow that can easily dim those Christmas lights and feelings of joy more than just a little bit.

I think it is probably a familiar experience amongst us that when that person we love with all our heart dies, something also dies inside us. Some of us may take longer to find our footing and others may find it right away… Still others may feel like they have found their footing somedays and not so much on other days. This time of year, seems to make that balance (for lack of a better word) even harder to find.

I have shared before that the first year, I ran away and hid down in the Keys to avoid the celebration. The next year, I did a little bit of celebrating. Then, when one of my daughters and my grandson moved in, I gained massive ground – mostly because of my determination to make his Christmases something to remember. Since then, I have actually (for the most part) looked forward to the holiday and spending time with those I love who are still around me.

I will always remember that second year, though, when I decided to put up the decorations and give this holiday a try. I remember opening the boxes that held all those ornaments and decorations – most of them from when the kids were little and each one with its own story.

I was actually doing pretty good. I wasn’t crying (that I remember). The tree was almost finished, when I opened another box looking for more ornaments. As soon as I opened the lid, an avalanche of tears poured down my face. There on top was Bruce’s stocking – white with red trim, a picture of a bear celebrating Christmas, and the word, “Dad” written in silver glitter along the top.

Bruce was a minimalist – not a “stuff” person. Months before, I had gone through his things – given away a bunch and packed up a select few that held precious memories to keep. Somehow, I had forgotten about the stocking.

When we were first married, his Christmas décor fit into one box and consisted of a tangle of lights, a nativity set, a Christmas quilt, and the stocking. That was it. I, on the other hand, had boxes and boxes of Christmas stuff, so much, in fact, his dad teased me for years about it.

But that stocking… It was totally Bruce.

Almost immediately, I went online to see what ideas other people had for “the” stocking. Should I hang it up? (How could I not?) If I didn’t, was there some other way to use it. I couldn’t bear the thought of putting it back in the box and leaving it there… forever… But would hanging it up make it awkward for others and/or a daily reminder that he wasn’t there to celebrate with me?

Finally, I came across an idea that felt right. One I have continued to do every year. I hung his stocking next to mine, as we had always done in the past. Next to it, I placed a pen and a small box of paper for everyone and anyone to write down a “Bruce memory” and place it in the stocking. Those memories remain there, and each year, I find some time alone to take them out and read them – smiling and crying all at the same time.

But that isn’t all…

No matter where I hang it… even if I switch places with one of the other stockings, something magical happens. Periodically, that stocking will start moving back and forth – slow, then fast, then slow. Yet, none of the other stockings move. I have turned off the AC. (Remember – Florida) Still it moves. Sometimes, I just stand there and wait… 99% of the time, it will start moving.

For me, that has come to be a sign from Bruce. A sign that he is still here with me. I am not alone. Maybe it is the energy of the love he left here or maybe it is him… I don’t know, and I don’t care. Since it is only his stocking and there doesn’t appear to be a physical cause that I can determine, for me, it will always be a sign from him.

… And as time has passed, it has become a reminder that our love is forever… Nothing has been lost – only changed… And that warms my heart with the joy of Christmases past, present, and future.

So, look closely for those signs… You may find a surprise meant just for you. And… may you have the happiest of holidays – wherever and whatever you are celebrating this time of year!
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Decorating and grief

Note: Just moments before posting my blog last week, we had a “milk meets computer” incident. Thank you for your patience as we worked to get back up and running this week.

For anyone grieving, the holidays are tough… They just are. I wish I could share some great “tricks” to help you through this time, but honestly, there are none.

The first year, (as I’ve told you before), I completely ignored the holiday. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t do it. There were some who tried to push the holiday on me by inviting me over to surprise me with their decorations and music… That didn’t work. In fact, it only upset me more. There were others who tried the guilt approach by reminding me that the holiday is based on faith, and is not about me or Bruce at all. While true, it is still a holiday with traditions built around those we love, so this didn’t work either. In fact, it actually just made me question my faith.

The bottom line was – I wasn’t ready. Grief is one of those things that is different for everyone. We each need to go at it in our own way… and in our own time. While I knew this in my gut, it was difficult to express it in such a way that others could understand.

The next year was slightly different… I felt braver… I wanted to participate in Christmas. I remember…

Journal Entry – Dec 2, 2014
“Hi Babe… feeling down… really struggling and missing you. Yesterday was okay – good actually… Until I started some Christmas decorating last night. : ( I thought I was ready. I thought I would be okay, but it broke me. I didn’t do Christmas last year, so this is my first time unpacking this stuff since you died. And since this box represents our last few weeks together, the memories are bittersweet and the tears seem to be endless. All I managed to get out were two nativity sets, the light brick and the stocking holders. (What am I going to do with those?) Hang one stocking? Do I hang yours? I don’t know what to do there… What do I do? I cried myself to sleep and woke up still crying. I’m not very good at this whole widow/grief thing. I can’t seem to just “move on.” I still love and miss you so much! How can this be my life? How can you be gone? How does someone with so much love and life just cease to exist? I don’t think I will ever understand this.”

“I keep remembering how much you loved Christmas – all the decorations and the music… your big ole grin when you watched me decorate or when you put on the Christmas music; your big smile that first Christmas when you laid on your belly in the snow to cut down the tree my youngest had picked; how much you loved all the treats and how excited you got about getting me the “perfect” gift. You loved the fact that this season was all about family and that was what you celebrated. When we were in Michigan, your folks would be there for the whole month and we would spend as much time as possible with them. This was also the time we would spend a week with my family back home. All that is gone now… It was you, Babe. You brought the magic to our lives and now you’re gone. Now I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost… I thought I could do this, but now… I don’t know.”

It was hard that year, but I figured it out – I did hang both stockings. Beside Bruce’s, I placed a small box of paper and a pen. I used these to write down special memories of our Christmases together, and placed these in his stocking.

For me, this really helped. In fact, this has become my tradition. It means a lot to me to see his stocking still hanging there beside mine. In fact, I think it is the most active stocking hanging there.

Each year since Bruce passed has brought challenges of their own. It is always a moment by moment holiday – half survival… half celebration.

This year, however, has brought a new grief to the picture…

This year I have been blessed with a house full, as one of my daughters and my grandson now live with me. Last weekend we managed to set up the stockings, the Christmas china, several nativity sets, the Christmas village, and the tree with lights (but no decorations). It has been a festive week filled with laughter and music.

I’ve loved it. However, I’ve still had my private moments of tears… Of overwhelming memories and those moments when I know he would have loved spending this holiday with his little Boudreaux. For me this seems to always result in tears and missing Bruce down to my very core.

This weekend as we started to decorate the tree, grief reared its head again, but this time it was my grandson’s grief. As we pulled out ornaments, he wanted to hear the stories behind each one. He smiled and laughed and hung them on the tree… so excited. Until…

About halfway through the box, he pulled out an ornament with three snowmen – a Mommy, a Daddy and a baby – and under each one were their names… Just last Christmas, they had still been a family. As he held the ornament in his hands, his eyes filled with tears. Then, still clutching the ornament, he threw himself into his mother’s arms and wept.

He has only recently come to realize that divorce is forever… This has been a hard fact for him to accept. In fact, I believe he has only just started the real grief for the loss of his family as he knew it… And just like anyone grieving, he has a mix of emotions, which can be overwhelming for a little boy, especially at a moment like this.

On this particular night we held him and listened… simply listened as he cried and told us how he felt.

Then he asked if he could still hang that ornament because he loved the way it reminded him of his “old” family. I thought of Bruce’s stocking hanging just a few feet away for the very same reason… Then, my daughter and I looked at each other and without hesitation agreed.

In the days since that night, he has taken that ornament down, held it, cried and rehung it several times. It is his way of grieving this holiday… and just as I learned with my own grief…

We all have to go at it in our own way and in our own time… I still need to hang Bruce’s stocking and my grandson needs to hold an ornament… and that’s okay.

If you are struggling this holiday season, please be kind to yourself. Do what you feel is right for you… and simply let the rest go.

If you are struggling with celebrating the holidays after your loss, please let us all be there for you. If you have any ideas that have helped you through the holidays, please share them here for others. This is our community… Let’s reach out and be the compassion we each seek.

To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.