Month: June 2026

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Pain of Grief

I had a rough day this week… Just one… But still… All of us here know how hard those days can be. While I’m not exactly sure what the trigger was, because I just woke up that way. Maybe a dream? I don’t know. I just know I struggled all day.

I realized it right away and knew that I should not be around people if I could avoid it. Thank goodness, I work from home most days, so that was a help. I simply closed myself in my office and kept my head down… “This will pass,” I kept telling myself… And (thankfully), it did.

However, that raw pain I was feeling took me back to those original days… Those early days after Bruce died when I was completely caught up in my own pain. It was a pain so deep… so completely encompassing that I couldn’t see anything or anyone else. And the part I had not expected was that the pain wasn’t just emotional… There was true physical pain, as well.

It probably sounds crazy, but my heart literally hurt… and breathing… hurt. There were so many times when I thought, “This is how a person dies of a broken heart, because this hurts!”

I didn’t die… obviously. However, a big part of me did… a huge chunk of my soul was suddenly gone. What was left felt like a shell of what had been… I no longer felt like me.

Losing your soulmate feels like your soul has been ripped out –
Leaving nothing but a shell.
A shell that breathes and moves
But feels no hope…
Not any more…
~ Linda, October 2013

I went through the motions of life, but I wasn’t living… not really. I also found myself offended by everything… If someone tried to comfort me, I was offended. If someone ignored my pain, I was offended. If someone wanted to tell me what I should do, I was offended. If someone failed to tell me what I should do, I was offended. I have no idea why, but I was offended by all of it.

I know I said things that I shouldn’t have. I know I wrote things here that I shouldn’t have. I was a mess and my response to everything and everyone seemed to be anger and distrust… Here’s the thing about that… When that is what we are putting out into the world, that is exactly what we will get in return.

It took me a long time to realize that and get some help. It has taken years to find myself again… To learn to trust again… To realize that as people, we are all just trying to do our best, (at least most of the time) … And as long as I keep that in mind, life is a lot better.

This week, though, when I had that day, I found that all of those old feelings of anger and distrust were right under the surface. It would have been so easy to just dump it out on everyone around me.

Thank heavens for all the people who have loved me enough to stick around… (and the years of therapy) … Because even though I had those same feelings, I was able to recognize it. I didn’t know how to stop the pain, but I was definitely able to not spread it.

Maybe that is how the pain of grief works… It’s always there, just under the surface. Yet, as time passes, we get better at realizing when it rears its head up and threatens to take over. And with that knowledge, we are better able to take a breath and work through it in a way that doesn’t hurt the people around us… Maybe…
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Connections

“In your light I learn how to love. In your beauty, how to make poems. You dance inside my chest where no-one sees you, but sometimes I do, and that sight becomes this art.” ~ Rumi

– – – – – –

I’m not sure why, but this morning I was reminded of one of the first arguments Bruce and I had. We didn’t argue often, so I can remember most of them pretty clearly… But that first one stands out always stands out for me…

We were living in Michigan, and I had recently started a (temporary) retail job meant to bring in some kind of income while I looked for something that was more permanent and aligned with my passions. It was Saturday. I had worked a full day by myself in the store, which meant no breaks, and I was exhausted. Bruce was off and was preparing dinner when I came home.

For the life of me, I don’t remember what we argued about, but it happened right away. He said something (who knows what) and I reacted with tears (of course), before leaving the room and going to sit down in the living room a few feet away.

I hadn’t argued back… At that point, I was still living in the shell-shocked mode of someone who was used to keeping her mouth shut to avoid an explosion of more anger or violence from the other person. It felt safer to simply close up inside myself and walk away… and so I did. In my mind, I was already thinking back to experiences in my first marriage and reprimanding myself with statements like, “Here we go again” and “How did I end up here again?”

I sat there in the dark with my eyes closed, wishing I could be anywhere but there… doing anything but this.

Next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and there he was beside me. He lifted his hand… and I flinched – waiting to be hit or shoved or whatever. Instead, he handed me a tissue. Then, he took my hands and leaned in, placing his forehead against my own.

“You okay?” he asked.

I shrugged – unable to talk with sobbing. Without a word, he took me in his arms, and we just sat there for a while – no one saying a word. Once my breathing slowed down, he took reached up and lifted my chin so that he could look me in the eyes.

“It’s okay to disagree,” he started. “We’re going to disagree… But disagreeing doesn’t mean that things between us are over. It doesn’t mean you have to give me my way… And it definitely doesn’t mean I’m going to respond by hurting you.”

I remember looking at those wonderfully, gentle eyes and asking, “So, what do we do now?”

He grinned and said, “We talk… We find some common ground and we start there. Then, we find a way to meet somewhere in the middle… somewhere that works for both of us – in a way that we can both live with… It’s not all me and it’s not all you… It’s about us.”

“I don’t know how to do that,” I sighed and took a deep breath. “This feels really hard.”

“It might be… Sometimes it absolutely will be hard… But it’s worth it. We’re worth… Our marriage… our relationship… It’s worth the hard work.”

He was so right! It took me years, to become comfortable with those hard conversations, but it was definitely worth it.

– – – – – –

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts… but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” ~ Anonymous Shoshone Tribal Member

– – – – – –

So why am I telling you this today? Because, somehow in today’s society, we’ve forgotten this. I look around and I see so many of people who only want to have relationships with people who think just like them… As if there is no more room for different thoughts or opinions… And that makes me so sad.

I hear how people talk to and about other people who think differently about religion or politics, and it isn’t nice. There is rarely any compassion or motivation to understand each other… “Meeting in the middle” or finding that space where we can compromise and find a livable space for all of us seems like a forgotten art.

However, that isn’t how life is meant to be. No one person has all the answers. No one person is right all the time… And no relationship can be solid if conversation and talking through differences isn’t on the table… Instead, it is up to each of us to offer compassion… to listen so that we can find common ground and work to build a relationship with understanding and compassion as the foundation.

Good relationships will never mean no arguments. It means caring enough about each other and our communities to work through the hard stuff without giving up… It means growing as a couple or as individuals as we figure out how to “meet in the middle” somewhere… It means that every person is important, and we need to remember how to live in a way that lets every person’s light shine.

– – – – – –

“Don’t you know yet? It is your light that lights the worlds.” ~ Rumi
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – My Thoughts

Growing up, I thought grief was something you only experienced when someone you love dies. Somehow, I also got the message that as Christians, we should celebrate and not be sad because they “have gone to a better place to be with God and the angels”. Grief and sadness were presented as almost sinful in many ways.

This led to many conflicting emotions growing up and even into adulthood… What do you call it when you move away from your family and friends? Or when the family pet passes away? Or when your life suddenly changes in ways that require you to put your plans and dreams aside? What do you do with the unbelievably sad emotions experienced at the loss of a child from miscarriage or the loss of a grandparent?

I had no words for any of that loss and sadness. Instead, I felt shame and confusion… I couldn’t celebrate, and I didn’t understand how these emotions were bad. But rather than sharing those feelings and risking the reactions of others, I tried to hold those things in.

Was I successful? Probably not… But it was the only way I had been shown to deal with it.

So, when Bruce died, I was at a total and complete loss. I had never learned to truly deal with any grief, other than to pretend it wasn’t there. I couldn’t do that this time, though, which has made this journey that much longer.

From the beginning, I started looking for ways to work through grief… I read every book and article and listened to every video and podcast I could find on the topic. And it wasn’t long before I learned that I would need to go back and re-process the grief from all those past losses while I was working on processing my grief for Bruce.

It has been a long arduous journey, and I guess, today I just want to share some quick thoughts on the things I have been told vs the way grief has played out for me in reality.

1. “Life moves on” … Yes, life for the rest of the world keeps moving, and to some extent I had to start finding my way in it right away. However, my life was at a standstill. I struggled to simply keep waking up in the morning. My life had literally collapsed. The world as I knew it was over. Setting new goals and establishing new dreams for a future alone were some of the hardest things I had to learn to do.

2. “This is your ‘new normal’” … I hate that phrase. Yes, this is what life has dealt me, but there is absolutely nothing normal about it. That is like saying that climbing a sheer rockface without gear is normal. No… it isn’t normal. It feels wildly dangerous and every move feels life-threatening in some way. Living life as a widow is not normal. It is simply where I find myself, and I have learned to “climb this cliff” carefully – feeling my way while taking it one slow movement at a time.

3. “You need to let them go” … Our love was not and is not a switch on the wall. It cannot be turned on and off at will. In fact, I don’t know that it is something I will ever be able to simply “turn off”. I believe Bruce (and my love for him) will always be a part of me. So maybe for some of us, “good-bye” is actually a life-long process… Or maybe it isn’t good-bye at all, but more of a “see you later”.

4. “You can always remarry” … While very similar to #3, this one has always been more repugnant to me. This was the love of my life – not a broken coffee mug. You can’t simply “replace” a person. I remember when I lost little baby Matthew, and people said, “You can always have more.” Yes, I did have more, but not one of them was baby Matthew. Each person and each relationship is unique – trying to replace or swap one for another does not seem healthy to my way of thinking.

5. “Time heals” … That’s laughable. Sure, I have learned to manage my grief better. I have learned more appropriate ways and times to express my grief. However, the pain of losing Bruce is just as strong and real as it was the night he died. Time hasn’t healed anything. Instead, it has simply given me enough experience to learn how to live with my feet in both worlds – the world of grief and the world of life.

6. “The stages of grief are a path” … First of all, my understanding is that these were initially written to give voice to the stages a person experiences when they learn they are dying. Over time, people started applying these same stages to all grief, which in a lot of ways makes sense. However, if you think for one minute that they present one at a time and in order, that is a fallacy. Yes… at some point you will experience all of them, but it is not a clear, straight forward path. It is more like a jumbled up, knotted ball of string. You get what you get at any given time, and (hopefully) you figure that part out before you encounter the next jumbled up mess.

I am sure there are more of these, and I am sure I will think of more as soon as I post this. Yet, these are the ones that have hit me hard this week. Phrases that others love to say, thinking they are being helpful, and with zero understanding that each person’s path and experience is different… and the best we can (and should) offer is patience and love while those sitting in grief find their next step.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted.

Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Our Time

Sundays… I love Sundays. There are a lot of things I have to accomplish on Sundays to prepare for the week ahead, but still… There is a calm and quiet about Sunday’s that just feel like the perfect way to start the week.

I can’t say I always felt that way, though. Growing up, it was a quiet day… We went into town for church, but then the afternoon (or most of them) was spent at our grandparents’ house having a family lunch and a quiet afternoon with the kids playing in the yard and the grownups either sitting in the shade (when the weather permitted) or sitting in the living room and chatting about life. I remember being there all afternoon and falling asleep in my grandfather’s lap with my head resting on his chest.

When I became an adult with a family of my own, I am saddened to say that most of that went out the window. It just seemed like we always had something to do or somewhere to go. I had never heard the term “boundaries” and didn’t have the slightest clue how to reclaim that time and make it ours – just ours. Others might make demands on our time during the week, but I missed having this one day to slow down and breathe.

When Bruce and I got married though, he was a big believer in “a day of rest” … and Sundays quickly became “our time”. No matter what shifts we were currently working, we both always had Sunday as a day off. Depending on the season, we might spend the day on the boat or at the beach… We might go visit with his folks or go for a hike in the woods… Or we might spend the day snuggled on the couch while he watched sports and I read a book.

It may sound funny, but the day always ended with him cooking in the kitchen. Sometimes I was in there working right alongside him and other times, I would find myself sitting on the barstool at the counter, sipping on a glass of wine, and chatting with him as he did his magic. And then there were those times when the food was forgotten as we danced barefoot in the kitchen – lost in a precious moment of love’s expression.

Honestly, it didn’t really matter what we did. Whatever we chose to do, it was relaxing – not stressful… And it was us… together… not either of us alone. That time together was sacred time… It was our time… And we always made sure to prioritize that day and each other.

My gosh, how I loved those Sundays with him… How I miss those Sundays with him.

So today, as I sit here reminiscing, I am flooded with a thousand memories of lazy Sunday afternoons spent doing ordinary things with the love of my life. I find myself smiling… and crying… and laughing… and missing… And all because we took the time to prioritize US.

And I guess that every week when I sit down to write this blog, I am still doing that. I am committed to this time each week… Time to remember… Time to grieve… Time to love… Time for us… I guess Sundays are still “our time”.

This week…
I have missed you
And
I have remembered you.

I have cried for you
And
I have danced with you.

I am tired of hurting
But
I’m not tired of loving you.
~ Linda, September 2021

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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.