I had a rough day this week… Just one… But still… All of us here know how hard those days can be. While I’m not exactly sure what the trigger was, because I just woke up that way. Maybe a dream? I don’t know. I just know I struggled all day.
I realized it right away and knew that I should not be around people if I could avoid it. Thank goodness, I work from home most days, so that was a help. I simply closed myself in my office and kept my head down… “This will pass,” I kept telling myself… And (thankfully), it did.
However, that raw pain I was feeling took me back to those original days… Those early days after Bruce died when I was completely caught up in my own pain. It was a pain so deep… so completely encompassing that I couldn’t see anything or anyone else. And the part I had not expected was that the pain wasn’t just emotional… There was true physical pain, as well.
It probably sounds crazy, but my heart literally hurt… and breathing… hurt. There were so many times when I thought, “This is how a person dies of a broken heart, because this hurts!”
I didn’t die… obviously. However, a big part of me did… a huge chunk of my soul was suddenly gone. What was left felt like a shell of what had been… I no longer felt like me.
Losing your soulmate feels like your soul has been ripped out –
Leaving nothing but a shell.
A shell that breathes and moves
But feels no hope…
Not any more…
~ Linda, October 2013
I went through the motions of life, but I wasn’t living… not really. I also found myself offended by everything… If someone tried to comfort me, I was offended. If someone ignored my pain, I was offended. If someone wanted to tell me what I should do, I was offended. If someone failed to tell me what I should do, I was offended. I have no idea why, but I was offended by all of it.
I know I said things that I shouldn’t have. I know I wrote things here that I shouldn’t have. I was a mess and my response to everything and everyone seemed to be anger and distrust… Here’s the thing about that… When that is what we are putting out into the world, that is exactly what we will get in return.
It took me a long time to realize that and get some help. It has taken years to find myself again… To learn to trust again… To realize that as people, we are all just trying to do our best, (at least most of the time) … And as long as I keep that in mind, life is a lot better.
This week, though, when I had that day, I found that all of those old feelings of anger and distrust were right under the surface. It would have been so easy to just dump it out on everyone around me.
Thank heavens for all the people who have loved me enough to stick around… (and the years of therapy) … Because even though I had those same feelings, I was able to recognize it. I didn’t know how to stop the pain, but I was definitely able to not spread it.
Maybe that is how the pain of grief works… It’s always there, just under the surface. Yet, as time passes, we get better at realizing when it rears its head up and threatens to take over. And with that knowledge, we are better able to take a breath and work through it in a way that doesn’t hurt the people around us… Maybe…
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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