Month: July 2025

Peace, Love, and Grief – Searching for Peace

I believe that I had to describe the grief journey in ten words or less, I would say, “It is a journey of constantly searching for peace.” At least, that has been my experience…

When my first marriage ended, even though I was the one to leave, I still grieved the loss of what I had hoped we could be as a family. Yet, I also remember writing that all I wanted was peace – no more yelling, no more violence, no more walking on eggshells. I was in a desperate search for some space to breathe. It took a long time, but I did finally find small spaces where I felt safe. Then, those spaces grew exponentially when I met Bruce. Sure, life was still doing what life does. Yet, I had found that peaceful space where I could breathe again… Where I wasn’t racing from one chaotic episode to the next. Then, Bruce died, and the search started again.

This is that story…

I prayed for peace.

I hadn’t known peace for most of my 40 years. I didn’t want a new love or money, grand things or lots of friends… Just a quiet space with a handful of people who love and accept me.

And so, I left… on a cool October morning, the kids and I left for school. They had no idea that we would not be returning… The upheaval… the increased violence… the threats… the fear… the unknowing… the desperation…

And… I prayed for peace.

Then, after years of waiting, it was finally over. It was done. I didn’t want the house or the money, a new town or a new relationship… Just a quiet space with my kids and a handful of people who would love and accept me as I am.

Then, into my life sailed this gentle, giant of a man… full of love… full of acceptance… full of peace. Suddenly, life was more beautiful than anything I had ever known. We knew safety and security… love – unconditional and complete… hope and joy filled our lives and laughter fill the air around us.

Finally… I had found the peace I had prayed for… And it looked nothing like I had imagined. Yet, it was everything I had ever wanted. I didn’t need to pray for peace anymore, because surely, we would live happily ever after. (Isn’t that how the story is supposed to go?)

Then, one Friday night, (one just like any other), we crawled into bed, and I lay in his arms. We whispered plans and concerns and “I love you’s” in the darkness until we both fell asleep.

I awoke.

Bruce didn’t.

I called for help. I did CPR… Nothing… No response. I had failed him, and he was gone… It was all gone… But this time, I couldn’t pray for peace… I couldn’t pray at all.

My world went dark… very dark… Surely God was just a cruel myth… I crumpled into a heap on the floor. I screamed and cursed at God. I pounded my fists and howled in pain until at last I lay there in silence – completely and utterly broken.

Still… I could not pray – not for peace… not for anything… not to a God who was so uncaring and cruel.

Years passed. I started to read what Bruce had read, and it was like hearing his voice over and over… “God is not the God you thought you knew. Be still and listen,” he seemed to whisper.

So, I was still… I listened… And that became my prayer – not one of asking… but one of receiving while letting go of what the final result would look like… And in the depths of my soul, a small light began to flicker… The blackness began to dissipate as I focused on that small light.

As time has passed, that light has gotten stronger and brighter… Laughter has returned. I have learned to smile again… to feel joy again… and hope has peeked at me from around the corner.

I still don’t pray for peace, (although that is my deepest desire) … This journey is not the one I would have ever chosen. Yet, through this journey I have learned to sit still and listen… And as life moves on, I am able to settle in and let the Divine currents carry me where they may.

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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted.

Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Growing with Grief

“The longer you stare into the abyss of the heartbreak, the more power you give it to dictate your life. The pain is not a destination or a home – it’s a teacher; it’s a lesson.”
~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, Aug 1

Can we just be honest for a moment here? … Death, loss, grief – they put a spin on our lives in such a way that things will never feel the same again. I truly had no idea that this was true until Bruce died. While I had experienced loss before and it hurt, nothing prepared me for the loss of the other half of my soul. No one could have prepared me for this much pain and sorrow.

In the beginning, I truly thought that if I could just do all the “right” things, I would get over this hurt, and life would go on. Sure, I would miss him, but I would come out of this and be okay… I would be “me” again. I had no idea back then just how much his loss would change me and my whole world.

I think I just assumed that the verse from Psalm 23, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me,” (which I had memorized in childhood), meant that the pain would go away (quickly, of course)… God would make it all better.

Instead, I found that I had a lot of work to do in that valley, and often I felt alone and angry – very angry… especially at God. My faith was already in a state of questions and doubt when Bruce died, and this did not make that any better… I feared the future that lay ahead… I did not feel God anywhere nearby… and I most definitely did not feel comforted. (That verse only felt like a betrayal.)

I struggled a lot and for a long time… years, actually. Grief had such a firm grip on my life that it seemed to become the only way I knew how to function. I am well aware that I gave grief a lot of power in my life. In fact, I let it take me so deep into the abyss that I didn’t care if I ever came out of it. It just seemed to seep into every thought and emotion… every holiday and every dream.

I don’t know if I couldn’t shake it or if I simply didn’t want to… and honestly, I’m not sure that there was a difference or if I even cared. Life without Bruce just seemed to be colored black… Everything seemed to be colored black.

But… as much as Bruce was my reason for grieving, he also became my guide for healing.

I started remembering things he had shared – spiritual things – quotes, thoughts, ideas… And soon I found myself immersed in the sources of those quotes, thoughts, and ideas… It wasn’t long before I started putting those things together – deconstructing and reconstructing my faith… finding a path that has led me to a real connection with Spirit – something I have never experienced before… (I hate to admit it, but sometimes I’m not sure I would have found this connection without the intense grief of losing Bruce.)

So, here I am – over a decade has passed. I still grieve… I still feel sad… And I still wish Bruce were here. However, all of that is quite different than it was in the beginning… Certainly, it has taken on a different shape, as I have learned how to acknowledge it and grow from it without giving it full control.

Now-a-days, I know that grief will always be a part of who I am… However, I also know it isn’t the only part of who I am.

“Grief takes as long as it takes, and there is no right or wrong way to express it. Nor does it really end; instead, we gradually take new shape around it.”
~ Unity Inspirational Publications, Grief is a Spiritual Practice

_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – When Two Hearts are One

Note: I am so sorry for missing our time together last week. I was not feeling well on Saturday and unable to catch up with everything on Sunday. I hate that. I guess, sometimes life simply makes us slow down whether we want to or not.

I remember when Sweet Baby Matthew was born… My heart was broken. Figuring out how to grieve the loss of a child that never took a breath… a child I never held in my arms, was an impossible task. I was encouraged to “put it behind me” and shove all of the pain down deep inside. I was told, “Don’t worry. You’re young; you can always have more”… Words said from what I hope was a good place bit into my soul.

I know these are the words that are so often said in an effort to comfort the grieving. I know that on the surface, they carry some truth. I also know that at the core, they are wrong…

Did I have more children? Yes… I went on to give birth to four more beautiful children, whom I love fiercely.

However, the hopes and dreams that surrounded the sweet soul, named Matthew… Those specific hopes and dreams were gone, just as he was gone. The laughs and mischief that would have been his… gone. The tears and ambitions… gone. The good-night stories and bedtime hugs would never happen. All of the love that was put into my heart for him had nowhere to go.

Yes… my other children experienced all these things that Matthew missed, but those were their experiences – not his. The major pieces missing from those words spoken too soon about “other children” is the compassion which acknowledges the trauma and grief of that death… not to mention, the permission for the griever to experience the pain of that loss without others (maybe inadvertently) finding ways to negate any part of the process. (After all, you can’t get past something you don’t acknowledge.)

Decades later when Bruce died, my grief was so deep, I was completely lost… I couldn’t fathom how to even take my next breath without him. Yet there I was… And once again the words, which I believe came from good intentions, were spoken out loud, “You will find someone else.”

The resistance I felt in my soul to those words was palatable. Again, those words are true… but also untrue. Those words make it sound so simple… Like all you have to do is put some money into a machine and out comes another “perfect fit”. As if love is like a switch on the wall – easily turned on and just as easily turned off. We all know none if that is true. There is so much more to love and loving another person.

It has more to do with finding that specific person with whom you connect on multiple levels… with whom you share hopes and dreams… someone who knows (and still loves) all sides of you – the good, the bad, and the ugly. With Bruce, it was a connection that outdid any other connection I had ever experienced.

“Our hearts find a home in each other.”
~ Martha Creek, Martha’s Pearls: A Spiritual Approach to Life

Our hearts really had found a home in each other… Our hearts really did beat as one… Finding a path to simply continue living was hard enough, without the added pressure to “replace” that love.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t find another. It does happen, and that is a good thing. I am saying that no one should feel pressured to replace the person we lost or to refill that space in your life on someone else’s timeline. Shoot, even I know to never say “never”. (Life will prove you wrong every time.) I just believe that if something is meant to be, it will find a way… and if it’s not meant to be, that’s fine too.

For me personally, I have several things floating around in my mind that make all this harder than I wish it were. Mainly… 1 – I still love him. (How could anyone even begin to compete with that?) and 2 – I know I could not survive that kind of pain again. (It almost killed me when Bruce died… To love someone so completely and lose them so suddenly has felt unbearable.)

“It’s harder to love when you know the cost.”
~ Unknown

Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think I’m alone in this… I think there are many of us out there, who truly wish those words were never spoken… who just want to deal with our grief without the added pressure of “forgetting and plowing forward.”

Sure, that may be what works for some people. That is great… for them. I just wish more people understood that some of us will never be able to it their way… And we just need the space to do this grief thing our way and in our time.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.