June 2024 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Trying to Bloom

Bloom where you are planted…

I believe I have seen this saying on so many schoolroom walls that when I see it now, I just look right past it… until today when it showed up at the very end of my devotional.

Seriously? I’m a grown up, not a kid… And yet, even at this point in my life, I must admit that I am still just chugging through, day-by-day, trying to make sense out of this life. Last week, I talked about the “10 steps” *, and where I am currently on that path. (There were several that still have me stumbling along.)

Step 7: Finding Meaning, Step 8: Redefining Ourselves, Step 9: Living with Our Loss, and Step 10: Accepting Life – these seem to be the ones where I am currently working. So, when I saw the phrase, “bloom where you are planted”, those steps instantly popped into my mind along with the thought that I am (finally) “growing” where I have been planted… But I’m not blooming… I am definitely not blooming.

There may be a few buds on the branches, however, I still have such mixed feelings about my love for Bruce, his death, and my life without him still in front of me… It is all like some big, jumbled knot where I want to bloom. I want to be happy. I want to just live my life and “be”.

At the same time, all of that feels pointless and blank. I struggle to get to a place emotionally where doing all of that without Bruce will somehow be okay… True, I am better than I was… but I know I still have a long way to go.

How do I get there? I know Bruce is dead. I believe I have accepted that. However, it is the part where I see beyond that that is the problem. Learning to find the joy in life without the instant desire to share that moment with Bruce is a challenge. Learning to make my way through the twists and turns that life throws at each of us every day… all on my own… is even harder.

Wouldn’t you know it, though? Life… the universe… the Divine (use whatever word makes you comfortable) somehow has a way of answering our questions if we will just slow down and be quiet long enough to hear…

So, as I turned to the next book in my current morning routine, (still pondering “how to bloom” where I am), this paragraph seemed to jump from the page…

“Acceptance does not mean you agree with, condone, appreciate, or even like what has happened. Acceptance means that you know, regardless of what happened, that there is something bigger than you at work… You know that you are okay and that you will continue to be okay.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant, Forgiveness

That was just what I needed to hear to get my brain moving…

Then, I remembered Step 6: Faith… That is where I need to look. While I have gone to church my entire life, I felt deserted by that faith years ago. So, I am well aware that my own faith journey really just started in the last few years. It has taken me a long time to deconstruct what I was told to believe and to reconstruct what I know and believe through my own experiences.

I know that is the step that will help me figure out the others… That is the step that will lead me to a place where I can find meaning, redefine myself, learn to live with this loss, accept the life I have been gifted… and, finally, to bloom.

Will I get there today? Nope… I probably won’t even get there this year, but I am on the right path, and so there is no hurry. Life will keep providing the insight and I will keep growing… There is no need to pretend I have all the answers – I don’t. I readily admit to the challenges in my world since Bruce died… But I won’t give up on myself… I won’t give up on learning to bloom right here where I am currently planted.

* I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye, by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, PhD, 2008 edition, pp208 – 209
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief – Not Ready Yet

Not long after Bruce passed, I read a book entitled, I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye, by Noel and Blaire. Back then, a friend at work had given me a stack of books about grief to read that had helped her when her husband passed away unexpectedly. The title on this one caught my eye because it was exactly how I felt… not ready to say goodbye.

This week, while browsing through my bookshelves, I found myself pulling this one back off the shelf. At first, I even questioned myself on why… Why would I pick this one up again? … It’s simple… The title is still 100% accurate… Even now, 11+ years later, I can tell you that I wasn’t ready to say goodbye then, and I’m still not ready now.

That probably sounds a little crazy. It’s been over 11 years, after all. I believe I have faced and accepted the reality of Bruce’s death… It has been a long, hard road with lots of ups and downs… lots of progress and some backsliding. However, no matter what, I know Bruce is dead. I know he is not coming back…

I also know that the love I felt for him all those years ago has not faded in the least. I loved him then, and I love him now. Maybe I should be ready to say goodbye, but I’m not.

I think the answer lies in my own interpretation. To me, “saying goodbye” is about more than just healing from his loss. To me, “saying goodbye” is about closing the door on “us” permanently… Letting go and moving on without looking back… And that is something I just can’t do. While I can accept what is, there is also the fact that my love for him does not have an on and off switch. I can’t simply tell myself, “Okay, that is done; turn it off,” like a light switch on wall… turn it off, close the door, and walk away.

It just doesn’t work that way. There is more to love and relationships than that… a lot more.

So, I started flipping through the book, reading things I had marked back then, and found so many things that are still relevant for me… Still things I want to work on and work toward. One of those things that caught my eye was the “Ten Step Pathway”, which this week allowed me to take stock… To see where I have been, where I am currently, and where I am likely to move to next on this journey.

I thought I would put that Ten Step list here (minus the explanations in the book) just in case there is anyone else out there who might find some wisdom in this idea…

The Ten Step Pathway *

Step 1: Shock and Survival
I definitely hit this step hard and it lasted for a few years… In fact, there are still days when the survival part is just as active.

Step 2: The Feelings Rollercoaster
This was my definite next step… Journaling and writing poetry has become my pathway to expressing and releasing those emotions so that they are not so completely overwhelming.

Step 3: Understanding Our Story
This part I find truly bittersweet… Recalling so many precious memories and breaking them down even further to understand “us” has gone a long way to helping me realize just how blessed I was to have known Bruce at all.

Step 4: Acknowledgement and Active Grieving
I spent a long time here… I admit that it took me a while to acknowledge and accept what is. Yet the true act of grieving couldn’t even start until I did.

Step 5: Forgiveness
For me this step had multiple layers. I needed to forgive myself for not saving Bruce that night, … and I needed to forgive him for dying and leaving me here. That probably sounds a bit crazy, but it was what I felt and what I needed to work through before I could start to move ahead. With the help of EMDR, I believe that I finally got past this obstacle last fall.

Step 6: Faith
Technically, I started on this journey before Bruce passed – leaving “the church” a few months before that terrible night. However, my reconstruction of my faith didn’t start until about a year or so after Bruce died. I believe I am still actively on this step – exploring, defining, rebuilding and repairing my faith. (In fact, to my way of thinking, this should always be an on-going step.)

Step 7: Finding Meaning
I think I am just getting started on this step… trying to find and accept that Bruce’s death can bring new meaning to other areas of my life is hard. For me, there is guilt in even searching for the good in such an event. So… There are days, I can do this, but those days are still rare.

Step 8: Redefining Ourselves
For me, therapy has gone a long way to help me with this… To keep the best parts of who I was with Bruce and mix those with the best parts of who I was before and after Bruce… A challenge I am actually enjoying.

Step 9: Living with Our Loss
This is a step where I have mixed feelings still… Yes, I am learning to accept and live a positive life. However, I must still be careful, because even now it is very easy for me to fall down the rabbit hole of grief and get stuck there for a day or two.

Step 10: Accepting Life
I am working hard to simply “be” here on this step. I know it is up to me to live my life as fully as possible. I am working at saying “yes” to life more often. It is still a struggle even now, but I just keep reminding myself and evaluating my response when “no” is what I want to say, such as – Am I limiting myself due to my grief or is it simply something that I would not be interested in no matter what?

Those are the steps. For me, this was a good exercise is simply evaluating where I am and what I am working on… The good news is – there is no deadline to get “there”. I can take my time. Through the years, I have learned that this is a one-day-at-a-time journey, and I am happy to give myself the time I need to do it.

Peace, Love, and Grief – The House That Love Built

“Through unconditional love and faith, I witnessed the transformative power of God’s grace, not only in my daughter’s life but in my own as well. I learned that no matter the person, their errors, and our own beliefs, everyone deserves unconditional love.”
~ Emanuel Walker, Daily Word, May/June 2024

When Bruce and I decided to get married, there was a lot to consider besides the two of us being in love. We needed to decide where we would live. We had to consider our teenage children and how this would impact each one’s world in vastly different ways.

I will admit, I was hesitant. I knew that I loved Bruce. I also knew that what I was bringing into the marriage involved an ex who couldn’t seem to let go, bad credit due to losing everything I owned to a Ponzi scheme, two kids in college and the expenses that go with that, two kids in high school (one of which was over 18 and chose not to move to Michigan), and the fact that my kids and I were still reeling and recovering from our past chaotic and abusive home life.

Bruce, however, had no hesitation. Even knowing all of that, and also understanding that there was likely much more he didn’t know, he had unwavering faith that this would be a good thing. Don’t get me wrong… He also had some concerns about how his own daughter would handle suddenly going from being his only child to having four instant siblings (3 of whom were girls).

It was a lot… and anyone with a blended family knows that none of it is easy. What Bruce knew, though, (that I had yet to experience), was the magical power of unconditional love… And that is exactly what he offered my kids.

I had spent most of my family’s lives trying to “manage” my ex’s temper by trying to be the “perfect” family… to take away his excuses for his anger. That was impossible, of course, but that had become my norm. It was the only way I knew at the time to protect my kids… and I loved them fiercely. (I still do.) For me, this “mask” I was trying to create was necessary for their (our) protection.

However, once Bruce and I were married and settled in Michigan, I saw just how transformative that unconditional love truly was… And he offered it so freely.

Within a few short months, there was no resistance from any of the kids, as they each referred to him as their “dad”. My four couldn’t help but love this man who offered guidance, friendship, compassion, and a model of what a good father truly is… All underscored with a love that carried no judgements or expectations of who or what any of them should be.

Bruce was an amazing father to all (now) five of his kids. To my knowledge, he never failed them or let them down. He attended concerts and graduations. He met potential boyfriends and made sure they understood his expectations for dating one of his daughters. He made sure that despite the distance, we all got together as often as possible so that ties were strengthened – not lost. In simply words… he just loved us. That’s it.

So… here I am on Father’s Day morning, remembering… and missing… and so very thankful… because not only was I the benefactor of that amazing man’s love, so were my kids… So, even though, he is gone, Bruce’s legacy of unconditional love is not… And just that thought alone can make me smile today.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Sometimes It Just Feels So Absurd

Grief is so strange. Seriously, I don’t think there is anything normal about it… And yet, this new path is supposedly our “new normal”. I don’t get it… Grief, really and truly, is anything but.

This week, while listening to a podcast, the woman (talking about the death of her husband) said, “It feels so absurd.” YES! Exactly! That is exactly it!

It feels so absurd that he is gone. It feels so absurd to live here alone. It feels so absurd to celebrate anything without him. It feels so absurd that I still find myself thinking, “Bruce would love this place,” whenever I find a new fun place. It feels so absurd that I still find myself listening for his truck in the driveway almost every single night. It feels so absurd to think that he isn’t coming home again… ever.

It all feels so absurd… And yet, it is what it is, and I can’t do anything to change it.

I can work on changing me, though, and I do. It is a daily, on-going process and some days I am more successful than others… But I stick with it… Mainly because what other choice is there?

Sometimes, though, I get a little reminder of our love. Whether that is because Bruce is still around, (maybe on another plane) or maybe it is the energy of our love still in the air, I don’t know… And honestly, I don’t care. It is not in me to break it down and inspect it. Instead, I simply recognize that these moments make me smile, and that is a precious gift, indeed.

This week, I had one of those moments. It was the morning after the podcast I mentioned above. I woke up thinking about the people in my life – those who have left and those who are still here. I don’t know what I had been dreaming, but that was where my head was.

Per usual, I turned on the radio and got into the shower. Now, I can’t hear the radio while the water is running, which is fine, I just like to have it on for when I get out and start getting dressed. While I was in the shower that morning, my thoughts went from the people in my life to Bruce. I found myself thinking about how somedays it feels like he just died yesterday and other times, it feels like I have been doing this alone forever…

As I turned off the water and reached for my towel, I heard it… the song, God Bless the Broken Road… That was “our” song almost from day one. I stopped, closed my eyes, and just let the song take me back… back to Bruce… and I smiled. In that moment my heart felt so full… Full of the love we shared… and if I’m honest, still do.

Then, it hit me that maybe… just maybe… this was another one of his “messages” – a message that he is here with me whether I know it or not… whether I can feel him or not… It may be absurd, but maybe I’m not so alone after all.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Legacy of Love

“I learned that no matter the person, their errors, and our own beliefs, everyone deserves unconditional love.” ~ Emanuel Walker, The Daily Word: May June 2024

I know I write a lot about the legacy Bruce left behind. This week as I contemplate the relationships in my life, I find myself thanking him. Why? Maybe it is because the life he lived and the legacy he left behind has completely changed my own…

After my divorce and before I ever met Bruce, my mother wrote me a letter and in it she said, “I pray every day that you will find someone to love you like Jesus loves you – completely and unconditionally. After the violence and chaos of my first marriage, all I could think was, “I’m good. I just want some peace in my life.” Still… I thanked her for the kind words, because they really did mean a lot to me… even if I wasn’t on board.

Just a few short months later, I found myself on a cruise through the Caribbean falling in love in this man who offered me exactly that – complete and unconditional love.

I won’t lie. It was hard for me to understand and accept in the beginning. I had never known a love that didn’t require anything of me other than love… no rules… no choking down my own thoughts or opinions. Instead, there was a mutual respect that allowed each of us to be who we are… and even allowances for being human.

I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but even after many years, I struggled to understand it. There were times when I would start to revert back to what I knew… or thought I knew about love, but he always led the way and encouraged me to simply be me… He really and truly just wanted that… for me to be me.

He just had this knowing that we needed to each be who we were as individuals – no changing to meet the other’s expectations. In fact, the only expectation that he ever expressed was that of mutual devotion… And he made that so easy.

But it didn’t stop there… He extended that same unconditional love to our kids – his and mine. When we got married, we had five teenagers between us – he had one, and I had four. So, you can only imagine all that came with that situation.

It wasn’t impossible, though. They were and still are wonderful people with loving hearts. At the same time, they had a lot to figure out. My kids were coming out of the same environment I had been in, (and all of the emotional baggage that came with that) and his daughter suddenly found herself going from being her father’s only child to having a lot of siblings. It wasn’t easy for any of them, and we both knew that.

Yet, he managed to maintain that same unwavering, unconditional love for each and every one.

Did that mean he simply sat back and said nothing as they managed those difficult teen years – no. However, when he did step in, it was always with patience and love, and (with mine) it came with suggestions – not demands. He never tried to replace their father, but to simply be a loving person in their lives. I can’t even begin to tell you the miraculous effect it had on four teens who had only known anger, violence, and chaos from their biological father.

So, this week, as I look back on what was before Bruce, what came with Bruce, and what has come after Bruce, all I know is that I was so blessed with the gift of his love… A love that showed me exactly what love is really all about… Because love never demands that we give up any part of ourselves or that we be anything other than ourselves. We can still love those who choose not to love us as we are… who would rather walk away than to accept us for who we are… and that’s okay. It hurts, but it is honest… Because love – unconditional love – is just that – total and complete with no other demands… and I have been so blessed to have experienced that at least once in this lifetime.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.