Not long after Bruce passed, I read a book entitled, I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye, by Noel and Blaire. Back then, a friend at work had given me a stack of books about grief to read that had helped her when her husband passed away unexpectedly. The title on this one caught my eye because it was exactly how I felt… not ready to say goodbye.
This week, while browsing through my bookshelves, I found myself pulling this one back off the shelf. At first, I even questioned myself on why… Why would I pick this one up again? … It’s simple… The title is still 100% accurate… Even now, 11+ years later, I can tell you that I wasn’t ready to say goodbye then, and I’m still not ready now.
That probably sounds a little crazy. It’s been over 11 years, after all. I believe I have faced and accepted the reality of Bruce’s death… It has been a long, hard road with lots of ups and downs… lots of progress and some backsliding. However, no matter what, I know Bruce is dead. I know he is not coming back…
I also know that the love I felt for him all those years ago has not faded in the least. I loved him then, and I love him now. Maybe I should be ready to say goodbye, but I’m not.
I think the answer lies in my own interpretation. To me, “saying goodbye” is about more than just healing from his loss. To me, “saying goodbye” is about closing the door on “us” permanently… Letting go and moving on without looking back… And that is something I just can’t do. While I can accept what is, there is also the fact that my love for him does not have an on and off switch. I can’t simply tell myself, “Okay, that is done; turn it off,” like a light switch on wall… turn it off, close the door, and walk away.
It just doesn’t work that way. There is more to love and relationships than that… a lot more.
So, I started flipping through the book, reading things I had marked back then, and found so many things that are still relevant for me… Still things I want to work on and work toward. One of those things that caught my eye was the “Ten Step Pathway”, which this week allowed me to take stock… To see where I have been, where I am currently, and where I am likely to move to next on this journey.
I thought I would put that Ten Step list here (minus the explanations in the book) just in case there is anyone else out there who might find some wisdom in this idea…
The Ten Step Pathway *
Step 1: Shock and Survival
I definitely hit this step hard and it lasted for a few years… In fact, there are still days when the survival part is just as active.
Step 2: The Feelings Rollercoaster
This was my definite next step… Journaling and writing poetry has become my pathway to expressing and releasing those emotions so that they are not so completely overwhelming.
Step 3: Understanding Our Story
This part I find truly bittersweet… Recalling so many precious memories and breaking them down even further to understand “us” has gone a long way to helping me realize just how blessed I was to have known Bruce at all.
Step 4: Acknowledgement and Active Grieving
I spent a long time here… I admit that it took me a while to acknowledge and accept what is. Yet the true act of grieving couldn’t even start until I did.
Step 5: Forgiveness
For me this step had multiple layers. I needed to forgive myself for not saving Bruce that night, … and I needed to forgive him for dying and leaving me here. That probably sounds a bit crazy, but it was what I felt and what I needed to work through before I could start to move ahead. With the help of EMDR, I believe that I finally got past this obstacle last fall.
Step 6: Faith
Technically, I started on this journey before Bruce passed – leaving “the church” a few months before that terrible night. However, my reconstruction of my faith didn’t start until about a year or so after Bruce died. I believe I am still actively on this step – exploring, defining, rebuilding and repairing my faith. (In fact, to my way of thinking, this should always be an on-going step.)
Step 7: Finding Meaning
I think I am just getting started on this step… trying to find and accept that Bruce’s death can bring new meaning to other areas of my life is hard. For me, there is guilt in even searching for the good in such an event. So… There are days, I can do this, but those days are still rare.
Step 8: Redefining Ourselves
For me, therapy has gone a long way to help me with this… To keep the best parts of who I was with Bruce and mix those with the best parts of who I was before and after Bruce… A challenge I am actually enjoying.
Step 9: Living with Our Loss
This is a step where I have mixed feelings still… Yes, I am learning to accept and live a positive life. However, I must still be careful, because even now it is very easy for me to fall down the rabbit hole of grief and get stuck there for a day or two.
Step 10: Accepting Life
I am working hard to simply “be” here on this step. I know it is up to me to live my life as fully as possible. I am working at saying “yes” to life more often. It is still a struggle even now, but I just keep reminding myself and evaluating my response when “no” is what I want to say, such as – Am I limiting myself due to my grief or is it simply something that I would not be interested in no matter what?
Those are the steps. For me, this was a good exercise is simply evaluating where I am and what I am working on… The good news is – there is no deadline to get “there”. I can take my time. Through the years, I have learned that this is a one-day-at-a-time journey, and I am happy to give myself the time I need to do it.
* I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye, by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, PhD, 2008 edition, pp208 – 209
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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