June 2023 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Claiming My Place in the World

“I grow in courage when I step boldly into the world and take my place in it.” ~ Daily Word, June 14, 2023

Let’s just dive right in with some honesty, because I am pretty sure I am not the only one to feel this way… When Bruce died, all I wanted to do was to crawl into a hole and die too. Obviously, that didn’t really happen. Yet, in another sense, it kind of did. What?? … I know… that probably makes no sense.

What I mean is that when he died, I suddenly started isolating myself. I wasn’t even aware of it, but it is what I did…

At work, I would come in and immediately close my office door. I just couldn’t face people… And on days when I felt especially low, I would even turn off the lights in my office and pray that no one would notice me behind the computer monitors, since I am so short. As crazy as it sounds, that usually worked.

As I have written before, I had just walked away from the church I had been attending just a few short months prior. At the time, my kids all lived several hours away. And as a runner, I have always worked out at home. So, other than work, there was no other socializing.

Granted, I still had several close friends who checked in with me consistently and would urge me to join them for dinner, drinks, or just some time on the beach. But as time passed, I even found myself backing out of those commitments more and more. Overall, my world was shrinking – fast!… And I was completely content with that.

In other words, I was creating my own deep, dark hole, and my soul, my love for life, was either dead or dying…

Several years later, one of my daughters and my grandson moved in with me. I was thrilled to have the company, and the distraction from my own grief (and self-pity) was a much-needed miracle. This particular daughter is great at planning wonderful adventures. So, it wasn’t long before I found myself galivanting all over Florida and having fun…FUN?? Now that was something I never expected to do or feel again.

Also, having a child in the house forced me to stop thinking of myself and my grief 24/7. Sure, I still had my moments and my tears. (I’m only human.) However, my focus was on him, not me… And that was something I really needed. It was something I had not been able to do on my own, but at this new juncture, I had no choice.

Over the years while they lived with me, I did get out more and more. I did learn to focus on others versus myself… And I did reclaim some emotional regulation – learning to control my grief. Yes, I was still grieving, but rather than focusing all of my energy there day in and day out, I learned some balance. I learned to set some “grief boundaries” with myself by setting specific times and places where I allowed myself to let go and feel what I feel – such as when I sit down and write this blog each week. That became (and still is) my time to grieve… And the rest of the week? Well, the rest of the week, I pushed myself to stay busy focusing on the other people in my life.

Soon after, my son, as well as my youngest daughter (with her husband) moved down here too. Now, I had even more people to focus on… My grief was no longer the centerpiece of my life. All of this, I consider the miracle and blessing that saved me from myself.

What I didn’t realize at the time, though, was that I was really just following along blindly. I wasn’t really claiming my place in this world. I was still emotionally spent – too tired to really have my own plans and dreams. So, while I was climbing out of that metaphoric hole, I was doing it on everyone else’s terms – not mine. I was placing the responsibility of my outlook on the people around me. No one complained, and I didn’t realize what was happening… I thought I was healing… And I was. However, I couldn’t see that this was only a small step; I still had a long way to go.

Then, a couple of years ago, the daughter who was living with me got remarried. Of course, this also meant that she and my grandson moved out. Here was my “test”. Once again, I was alone… Was I going to fall back into old habits?

Well, my kids are great! All of them! Soon, I found myself included in something every weekend. I was just as busy as before. However, I still wasn’t being responsible for me… I was still simply following along. (I can’t imagine the drain they must have felt as they waited for me to be responsible for me.)

That is until this year…

I started the year with the intention to just “be” – be kind, be honest, be happy, be genuine… be me! I didn’t realize at the time just how life changing this would be.

You see, part of all this “be-ing” meant I needed to stop isolating myself. It has taken months, but I am learning to get out of my comfort zone and rejoin the world as me. In other words, I am finally learning to reclaim my place in this world – not as a nobody following along, but as a somebody forging her own path.

It hasn’t been easy. In fact, I would say this year has actually been one of the hardest since the first year after Bruce died. I am learning to not only face my fears on this journey, but to figure out what triggers them… and why. I have pushed myself to look honestly at myself – my habits and behaviors – to determine what works, what doesn’t, how I got here, and why I chose a particular path to begin with.

There have been some wonderful breakthroughs and just as many dark, ugly truth moments. Yet, each of these has pushed me one step further down this path. I know without a doubt there will be more and more of this in my future… I also know it is good for me (and necessary) in order to fully claim my space in this world and in my life.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love, and Grief… And All is Well

“Wherever I go, God is there, and all… is… well.” ~ Unknown

Well… Life is what life is, and I am a day late here… And while it is not what I had planned to write about, that has actually become my story today…

I spent the past week up in Michigan visiting with Bruce’s family and celebrating his mother’s 90th birthday. What a wonderful week. I love this family! Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the fact that even now, ten years after Bruce’s death, his family is still such an integral part of my life… They are still my family… They still call me “sister” and “daughter”… And mostly, they still love me. What a blessing in my life!

Over the last ten years, while I have had my fair share of stumbles, I have tried to continue living my life in a way that would make Bruce proud… in a way, that would reflect his love for me and my love for him. Honestly, all of that felt impossible in the beginning… When he died, I didn’t want to be here without him. Yet… here I was with a whole life still ahead.

Even as recently as a month or so ago, I have had days like that – days where I wasn’t sure why I was still here. At the same time, I have great reminders in my life as to why I am still here – reasons to smile… reasons filled with joy… And those reasons are my family… and Bruce’s family (which is also my family as they so often lovingly remind me).

So… after a fabulous week spent visiting, hugging, sharing stories and dreams, yesterday found me at the airport heading back home. No big deal… I have flown many times. There was a time when I was anxious until I was through security, but not anymore. I appreciate what they do, and as long as I am in one of the smaller airports, the overall vibe tends to be one of calm assurance.

When we boarded our plane, it was a beautiful, sunny Michigan afternoon. According to the flight itinerary, we would be in Florida within 2.5 hours. I greeted the people seated next to me and settled into my seat with my book and my pillow – ready for a relaxing, peaceful ride back home.

A couple of hours later, as we approached the airport in Florida, the pilot announced that there were storms over the area, so we would maintain our altitude above the clouds (still in the beautiful sunshine), and circle the airport as we waited for it to pass.

No worries… I was more than happy to wait since I would still have a little bit of a walk to my car in the long-term parking lot. I was more than happy not to do that in the rain. After a couple of hours of circling the area, we were given directions to land although the storm had not passed.

As the pilot began the descent into the storm, we were immediately tossed around like a child’s toy. We rolled side to side and pitched back and forth. Despite having our seatbelts on, the passengers were still being tossed around, forcing us to brace ourselves and hold onto the seats in front of us for stability. People were screaming and crying… chaos seemed to be all around us.

The funny thing is I was actually calm. Normally, I am a worrier, so this calm I felt surprised even me. As my hands fingered Bruce’s wedding ring on the chain around my neck, I just kept repeating a mantra from church, “Wherever I am, God is there, and all is well.” I was well aware of the danger. I just wasn’t scared of the outcome. I knew a few things without a doubt…

1. I knew God was with me. No matter what happened, the outcome would be what it was supposed to be.

2. If I died, Bruce would be there to meet me on the other side.

3. If we all survived, any panic would have been a waste of energy.

As it turned out, the pilot, realizing they could not control the plane and land safely, pulled back up in a steep incline. We ended up flying to the west side of the state. There we sat on the tarmac as the plane was refueled, and we waited for the storm to completely pass from our destination.

Once all was said and done, our 2.5 hour flight had become a 6 hour adventure. Then, add my one hour drive home, it was almost midnight by the time I walked in my door.

I’ll be honest… I was a little bit proud of myself. Mainly because I think Bruce would have been proud of me for all of that. Why? Because I believe my ability to focus on the things I could control rather than fear the things I couldn’t was a huge piece of his legacy that he left behind for the rest of us who knew and loved him… And if I can manage to take even a portion of that same mindset into my future, I know without a doubt that… All… will… be… well.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… The Power of Hope

Hope… Such an innocent four-letter word… and yet hope is powerful. Conversely, the lack of hope is also powerful… In fact, a lack of hope can be absolutely devastating. I don’t think I realized just how important hope is to our existence until I became a widow. I didn’t realize it the day Bruce died… or even the next, but within a very short time, I came realize that I had lost all hope. My future… a future without Bruce also seemed to be a future without hope.

Each day seemed to be just like the one before it, and the one after… Wake up (alone), work out (alone), go to work (alone), come home (alone), eat dinner (alone), and go to bed (alone). Then wake up and do all over again. At the time, I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I didn’t even notice just how much power hope (or the lack of) held in my world.

I had no idea that hope, simple hope, is powerful… and the lack of hope is just as powerful… And I don’t think I’m alone in that lack of awareness.

It wasn’t until several years ago, when I built and trained a module on resilience that I realized just how much power I was giving away by living day-to-day with no hope. You see, our emotions guide our thoughts. Our thoughts guide our behaviors, and our behaviors guide our life experiences. So… in order to build resilience to life’s struggles, such as grief, I needed to dig deep and find a way to restructure my behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. I knew at that moment that the lack of hope was affecting every aspect of my life, and I had to find a way to regain even just a little bit of hope… somehow.

I started on that journey for hope a long time ago, and honestly, I still have to constantly make a conscience effort in that direction. This year, in fact, has definitely held a lot of challenges in this direction. I can’t tell you how many times I have found myself struggling with depression and that feeling of absolutely no hope… But I haven’t given up. Instead, I remind myself daily to find some hope some where to avoid that head-long plunge down that god-awful rabbit hole where there is no hope.

I am not trying to say this is simple or easy… It isn’t. There are days when I think I just don’t care anymore. Then, I think of Bruce and all the hope he brought back into my world when I thought I had hit rock bottom… And at that point, I know he didn’t do that for nothing… He believed in me, and it’s time I learn to believe in me, too.

So… just in case there is anyone else out there struggling with the lack of hope on their grief journey, I wanted to share the mantras and meditations I am using throughout my day to keep myself in a hope-filled frame of mind:

1. The power to choose hope lies within myself.

2. Hope begins with me… my world will only be as hopeful as I am.

3. If our thoughts create our experience, then I need to remember that hope begins within me… and my world can only be as hopeful as I am.

Oh… and one more little caveat… There will always be people in your world who knowingly (or unknowingly) will try to bring you down. They may make comments or do things that hurt… things that may even cause you to doubt yourself… Things that make it just a little bit harder to hope.

However, that is completely and totally about them – not you. Don’t take it in… Don’t let it create that slide into negative emotions, thoughts, and behaviors within yourself. Those things say so much more about who they are and where their headspace is. Remind yourself – Those are their emotions, thoughts, and behavior… They are not yours unless you choose to take them in, and thereby, give away your own power.

“As I listen more acutely for my guidance, I let go of trying to find the answer through human channels and turn my attention to the voice of spirit .” ~ Daily Word, May 18,2023
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Triggers

Can we talk about triggers today? Oh my gosh! Before Bruce died, I had no idea how many triggers there would be… There have been things that I would have never guessed would be a trigger, but they are. Do you know what I mean?

In the beginning, the triggers were everywhere – all around me and all the time.

If I saw a couple together holding hands or being affectionate – trigger! All I could think about was everything I was missing and would never have again.

If I saw a couple arguing – trigger! Didn’t they know how precious our time here is? That tomorrow isn’t guaranteed for any of us? Why would you waste even one moment being angry about something that probably won’t even matter tomorrow or be remembered in a year?

If I was walking through the grocery store and saw Bruce’s favorite beer – trigger! I couldn’t get past the knowledge that I will never again buy that beer for him or taste it on his lips.

If I was listening to the radio and “our song” (or any song attached to a special memory) came on – trigger! Such precious moments that are over and gone.

So… many… triggers!

As time has passed, the triggers are less frequent but not less intense. In fact, this last week or so, (for some crazy reason that only the Universe knows), has been filled with triggers.

It started with a book my boss loaned me. I didn’t know anything about the book. I had never heard of the book. I didn’t ask to borrow the book. She happened to bring it to me and simply said, “I just finished this and thought you would really connect with it.” So I read it.

At first, I didn’t quite understand what she thought I would connect with. The main character was only in her 20s, and that was a long time ago for me. However, as the storyline progressed, I realized this main character was in an abusive relationship. (I literally had to put the book down and pull myself together emotionally several times while reading.)

Yet, not only did I connect with the abusive portion and all that it entailed, there was also the hero in her life that offered her the safety of a loving relationship (just as Bruce did for me so many years ago). The book was great, but it took me several days to push down all the domestic violence memories and remind myself that I am safe now. (Although, admittedly, without Bruce I still struggle in that department.)

Then in the next book I was reading, one of the main characters had a heart attack, and that particular chapter was told from his viewpoint. For me, it felt like I was reading about Bruce’s death with Bruce telling me the story. I can’t lie… It was really hard to read, and the tears would not stop. All the memories of that night and my own feelings of failing him flooded back and filled my soul.

Later in the week, I was watching a movie with a friend. She warned me beforehand that there might be some parts that would trigger me. (Thank you, my friend!) But I wanted to watch it anyway. As the movie progressed, I slowly came to realize that the mother in the movie was dealing with a recurrence of breast cancer and was dying. (Yes, one of my fears.) At the point where it all becomes crystal clear, she is lying in her husband’s arms crying and telling him how scared she is… All he can do is hold her close and kiss her.

True, this never occurred between Bruce and I because I got cancer after he died. But I found myself feeling a little bit jealous that he was never able to do that. I needed him back then and would have given anything to have had his love and support when I went down that road. (Yes… I do realize that the movie is fiction and being jealous is silly. However, I cannot control how I feel, only what I choose to do with those feelings. So, I am just being honest here.)

And finally…

One evening this week, I was sitting in my reading chair (not reading). I was simply sitting there, looking at our space, and missing Bruce (a lot). I had been silent for quite a while. However, when I found myself looking at a picture of him fishing at the beach, I simply said out loud, “I miss you, Babe”. Suddenly, the Alexa in the kitchen started playing Jimmy Buffet’s song, “A Pirate Looks at 40”. (To clarify, JB was our favorite. We went to several concerts through the years, and spent many nights simply dancing barefoot to his tunes in the kitchen.) I didn’t know whether to smile or cry when it happened… so I did both. (I don’t know that this was necessarily a trigger as much as a comfort to my soul after all the other triggers, and I am so grateful for it.)

Honestly, I don’t think the triggers will ever stop being a thing. I also believe that time does help me manage those triggers better and better. For example, in the beginning, I had to wear sunglasses almost everywhere I went so people couldn’t see that I was crying. Now, I am pretty good at pushing the tears back, (or keeping them to a minimum), and moving on… waiting to contemplate whatever trigger happened later when I am alone to write it out and/or think it through. I can’t say dealing with triggers gets any easier with time, but I do think over time I am learning to work through them in a much more healthy way… which is a step in the right direction.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.