Tag: legacy

Peace, Love, and Grief… And All is Well

“Wherever I go, God is there, and all… is… well.” ~ Unknown

Well… Life is what life is, and I am a day late here… And while it is not what I had planned to write about, that has actually become my story today…

I spent the past week up in Michigan visiting with Bruce’s family and celebrating his mother’s 90th birthday. What a wonderful week. I love this family! Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the fact that even now, ten years after Bruce’s death, his family is still such an integral part of my life… They are still my family… They still call me “sister” and “daughter”… And mostly, they still love me. What a blessing in my life!

Over the last ten years, while I have had my fair share of stumbles, I have tried to continue living my life in a way that would make Bruce proud… in a way, that would reflect his love for me and my love for him. Honestly, all of that felt impossible in the beginning… When he died, I didn’t want to be here without him. Yet… here I was with a whole life still ahead.

Even as recently as a month or so ago, I have had days like that – days where I wasn’t sure why I was still here. At the same time, I have great reminders in my life as to why I am still here – reasons to smile… reasons filled with joy… And those reasons are my family… and Bruce’s family (which is also my family as they so often lovingly remind me).

So… after a fabulous week spent visiting, hugging, sharing stories and dreams, yesterday found me at the airport heading back home. No big deal… I have flown many times. There was a time when I was anxious until I was through security, but not anymore. I appreciate what they do, and as long as I am in one of the smaller airports, the overall vibe tends to be one of calm assurance.

When we boarded our plane, it was a beautiful, sunny Michigan afternoon. According to the flight itinerary, we would be in Florida within 2.5 hours. I greeted the people seated next to me and settled into my seat with my book and my pillow – ready for a relaxing, peaceful ride back home.

A couple of hours later, as we approached the airport in Florida, the pilot announced that there were storms over the area, so we would maintain our altitude above the clouds (still in the beautiful sunshine), and circle the airport as we waited for it to pass.

No worries… I was more than happy to wait since I would still have a little bit of a walk to my car in the long-term parking lot. I was more than happy not to do that in the rain. After a couple of hours of circling the area, we were given directions to land although the storm had not passed.

As the pilot began the descent into the storm, we were immediately tossed around like a child’s toy. We rolled side to side and pitched back and forth. Despite having our seatbelts on, the passengers were still being tossed around, forcing us to brace ourselves and hold onto the seats in front of us for stability. People were screaming and crying… chaos seemed to be all around us.

The funny thing is I was actually calm. Normally, I am a worrier, so this calm I felt surprised even me. As my hands fingered Bruce’s wedding ring on the chain around my neck, I just kept repeating a mantra from church, “Wherever I am, God is there, and all is well.” I was well aware of the danger. I just wasn’t scared of the outcome. I knew a few things without a doubt…

1. I knew God was with me. No matter what happened, the outcome would be what it was supposed to be.

2. If I died, Bruce would be there to meet me on the other side.

3. If we all survived, any panic would have been a waste of energy.

As it turned out, the pilot, realizing they could not control the plane and land safely, pulled back up in a steep incline. We ended up flying to the west side of the state. There we sat on the tarmac as the plane was refueled, and we waited for the storm to completely pass from our destination.

Once all was said and done, our 2.5 hour flight had become a 6 hour adventure. Then, add my one hour drive home, it was almost midnight by the time I walked in my door.

I’ll be honest… I was a little bit proud of myself. Mainly because I think Bruce would have been proud of me for all of that. Why? Because I believe my ability to focus on the things I could control rather than fear the things I couldn’t was a huge piece of his legacy that he left behind for the rest of us who knew and loved him… And if I can manage to take even a portion of that same mindset into my future, I know without a doubt that… All… will… be… well.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… A Sunday Gift

One of my journaling prompts this week was to recall a happy memory. Immediately, my mind went to a memory I haven’t thought about for a long time…

When I moved to Michigan to marry this man I loved, it was November. It was cold and snowing within a few days of our arrival. Being from the coast of SC, I didn’t have much experience with snow, so it seemed like such a beautiful miracle… at first. After months and months of gray skies and snowy days, I was done… I had had enough to last me quite a while.

Poor Bruce! He had grown up with this weather, and while he didn’t like it, it just was the way of winters in Michigan. I’ll never forget one of the first relatively warm Sundays in May. As the sun came up and we lay in the bed talking, he told me that he had a surprise for me. Always the eternal child at heart, I looked around excitedly and asked where it was.

“It’s not here,” he chuckled. “I have to take you there. We’ll go after we get dressed and eat breakfast.”

I have to tell you; I couldn’t get ready fast enough. I was so excited! So, a couple of (very long) hours later, we got into the car and headed out. We didn’t go far – maybe 5 miles at most. However, we ended up somewhere I had not seen before.

Bruce parked his truck in a small gravel parking lot on the edge of a small lake – Pickerel Lake. Then, we proceeded to spend the rest of the day walking, talking, and holding hands. There were paths that went around the lake and paths that went up and down the nearby hillside. The paths went in and out of the woods, through swamps and out into meadows.

Along the way, we rested on benches and logs or just sat on the ground. The sun was warm on our backs, but the temperature cooled immediately as soon as we stepped into the shade of the woods. It was a perfect day!

I know we talked a lot that day about everything under the sun, but the main thing I remember Bruce saying was that for him this was church… This was where he felt God. I remember not only nodding in agreement, but looking at this man with so much love as I realized what a precious gift he had just shared me.

You see, I tend to be a “busy” person who was raised to be a “good girl” and do things “the right way.” Before Bruce, that meant working five days a week and taking care of four children, while trying to maintain a house (and yard) that were way too big. It meant my weekdays didn’t end until sometime around midnight, while my days started at 3 AM. It meant spending Saturdays trying to take care of the house and yard, and Sundays were spent at the church. In other words, it meant trying to do “everything,” while feeling like I never got anything accomplished.

Thankfully, Bruce saw past all that… Thankfully, once we were married and living in Michigan, he showed me that it was okay to slow down… It’s funny… While I worked six days a week that first year, it still felt like a much more relaxing life than before. Why? Because he showed me that everything didn’t fall on me. We were a team, and I didn’t need to “be” anything but me… and he loved me.

I can’t begin to tell you how absolutely refreshing that realization was.
Before that day at the lake, I still wasn’t quite “there” yet. I was still trying to fill all the days and all the hours – 6 days at work and 1 day for church and chores.

But that day at the lake changed all that… That day, I realized that when God calls us to “keep a day of rest,” the key word is “rest” … A day to spend with family and nature and God – laughing, loving, talking, sharing, and enjoying the many blessings we are given.

That day has to be one of my favorite memories… It is one I fall back on whenever I catch myself falling back into that old trap of “do and go” and ridiculous business. Then, I take a breath. I remember that day… And I know that Bruce didn’t just give me the gift of a day at the lake. What he gave me was the gift of knowing it is okay to take the time to just “be.”

Thank you, Babe! What a precious gift!

In so many ways, I know Bruce left me a beautiful legacy – not just a spiritual one, but one that encourages me to look at the world around me and experience it with love and compassion… One that allows me to see God (however I define that) in all different ways… One that says “Be compassionate, even to yourself… Grieve as you need to grieve, and love life however it comes.”

I wanted to share this memory this week because I am so thankful for all I learned (and continue to learn) from the man who changed my world for the better. What about you? What kind of legacy did your loved one leave for you? We would love to hear from you. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief – A Rich Legacy

Seven years, four months, nine days, and fifteen hours since Bruce died… But who’s counting, right? … I am! That’s who! This has been the hardest seven-plus years of my life… And yet, it has also been years of great growth for me… Thanks to Bruce.

Bruce was always such a spiritual person. Religion was not his thing, although he would go to church with me if I asked. His thing was finding a way to live a peaceful, love-filled life. He often tried to share his thoughts with me, but shamefully, I wasn’t as open to his thoughts as he was to mine. I has been raised to believe my way was the right one, so I felt that I was the one on “solid God ground.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, for years I had felt frustrated with the “church” and had already been burned several times. However, I had been carefully taught from the time I was born that this was “the way.” This was the only way, so I hung on. Granted, I kept to the back and the side edges, but I hung in there… Until one day, I just couldn’t.

There were too many things that didn’t fit – too many frustrations and questions where the only answer seemed to be “You’re wrong. Be a good girl, and believe what you’re told, or you can’t be one of us.” … But I couldn’t – not anymore.

This was just a few short months before Bruce died… I remember running out of the church service in tears and crying for days. In fact, I cried so much and so hard, I actually gave myself two black eyes. To know that I needed to walk away from the one thing – the one institution – that had been a part of my life, a part of my identity, for my entire life was more than heartbreaking… I felt like a part of my soul had died.

But who do you think was there in all his kindness and love to hold me as I hurt? Yep, it was Bruce.

At first, he encouraged me to take a breath and try again. He knew how entwined my identity was with my religion… But that’s the thing… It was my religion, not my faith. I just didn’t understand that yet, although I’m pretty sure he did.

About this time, I noticed him reading The Tao of Pooh (for about the millionth time since I had known him). For the first time, I was ready to hear his thoughts, so I asked what it was about, and… could I read it too? I remember him handing me the book as he said, “It’s not a religion. I won’t replace what you feel you’ve lost. It’s simply a philosophy – nothing more. It’s just a way of looking at life. It can enhance what you think you know, but that’s it.”… And he was right.

We spent the next few weeks talking about the book… Talking about the characters and who they reminded us of… and (more importantly) who reminded us of ourselves. Bruce was definitely Pooh, accepting life as it came, and without a doubt, I was Piglet, always worrying about anything and everything.

In fact, I was a little a little worried that by reading that book (and liking it), I was somehow being “bad.” However, it didn’t take long at all to see that this book really did enhance my faith – nothing more and (thankfully) nothing less. In our conversations, where Bruce mostly listened, I would go on and on about how relevant this was to what I already believed. It was such an enlightening experience to separate my faith from what had been my religion.

One night, as we lay in bed snuggling, I remember fretting over some little bit of nothing. Bruce kissed me, pulled me closer, and said, “Stop worrying, Piglet… It’s time to sleep,” – a gentle reminder to let it go and let life happen. A few short hours later, Bruce was gone… dead… and my life went into a tailspin. I felt so lost… so abandoned… so absolutely alone.

Where was God in all this? Why had he allowed this? Why didn’t he comfort me through this? Why couldn’t I feel him near me? Isn’t that what I had always been told or read?

I pleaded, but couldn’t find any comfort from God… So then, I got angry… very angry. When people told me “this is God’s plan” or that “Bruce was in a better place” or, my favorite (insert sarcasm), “God needed another angel,” it just pissed me off even more. Honestly, I stayed mad for a long time… I yelled at God. I cursed at God. I pitched full-blown temper tantrums at God… Until I was too exhausted to be mad any more.

Then, I got still… very still… In fact, Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God” became my mantra. (Weird, huh after months of being so angry?) Here’s the thing – I fully believe (and have believed all my life) that God is so connected to us he understands our emotions, and his shoulders are big enough to handle my anger. Shoot, if he is an “all-powerful, all-knowing, all-everything” God, then isn’t he also “all-suffering?” Doesn’t he understand and share my pain and grief? … I think so.

Once I got quiet long enough to listen, it was Bruce’s voice I heard first… His quiet beliefs on how to live life – “as it comes.” And that is where my real quest began, because out of the absolute destruction of my life, a beautiful experience began to grow…

It started with me listening to the speakers Bruce listened to and reading the books he read. The more I listened and read, the more I learned… about Bruce and what made him tick… about how he was able to live his life the way he did. This opened my heart and mind to understanding more and more about who or what God is (at least, to me). I began to realize that God really is everywhere – in every thing and every person… to understand that no one person or group could lay claim to “owning God,” which I believe was what Bruce was trying to say all along.

Bruce lived a life of compassion and unconditional love. I know he didn’t agree with everything or everyone. I know he got hurt and frustrated… but I also know he didn’t hate anything or anyone either. He had a way of accepting people where they were, and moving forward from there. I have never known anyone to live a more “Christ-like” existence… No judgement, no “holier-than-thou,” no “my way is the right way” … just acceptance, love, compassion, and absolute graciousness… And now, I was beginning to understand how he got there.

For the last two years, I have been blessed even more by this legacy of his. I have come to know other people like Bruce… Other like-minded people who also believe that our faith/spiritual path is not defined or limited by religion. People who also believe God is about love, relationships, and compassion… And can be found in all religions and people. While I may be comfortable identifying as “Christian” (although there are a hundred definitions for that), someone else is just as comfortable identifying as a Muslim or Hindu. Yet, no matter what we call ourselves, we can all find a beautiful space… a common ground where we learn to see God in each other.

All of this has led me to another thought… Something that is also close to my heart… Just as there is no one right religion, there is no one right way to grieve either! I have spent years being told how to grieve:
• Take your time – hurry up.
• Clean out his stuff – keep his stuff.
• Date – don’t date.
• Keep his pictures displayed – put his pictures away.
• Talk about him – don’t talk about him.
And the list goes on…

If you have ever grieved the loss of a loved one, I am sure you know what I mean. I would bet you have heard some form of it, because no matter how you grieve, there is someone who would do it different… There is someone who believes their way is the right way… the best way… and you should do it their way. To that, all I can say is, “Nope!” Let’s be real… We are all different with different experiences, personalities, and viewpoints… Each of us has to figure out the best way for ourselves – not anyone else. After all, we are unique and different, which means we will all find answers and comfort in various sources… and that’s a good thing.

If nothing else, I believe Bruce left me a beautiful legacy – not just a spiritual one, but one that encourages me to look at the world around me and experience it with love and compassion… One that allows me to see God (however I define that) in all different forms and people… One that says “Be compassionate, even to yourself… Grieve as you need to grieve, and love life however it comes.”

I am only sharing my thoughts this week… a thankfulness for all I learned (and continue to learn) from the man who changed my world for the better. What about you? What kind of legacy did your loved one leave for you? We would love to hear from you. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… To Those Who are Gone

While I have my artsy, creative side and my messy spaces, for the most part, I like order. Yes, I like “stuff,” but there is an order to the stuff. Each item has an order and belongs in a certain place (and in a certain way). I am also a “list person.” It brings me great satisfaction to check the items off as each one is completed. For example, the paper towels need to sit a certain way on the holder, and the toilet paper needs to roll from the top. Even my clothes in the closet are arranged by clothing type and color. Shoot, even the little men on the Foosball table need to be lined up just right.

I know it sounds a bit crazy, and Bruce used to laugh at my “nerdiness,” but it’s just me. Honestly though, I won’t say anything to anyone if they do it different, (I don’t expect or want everyone to be like me). It’s just when I notice something “out of place” in my own home, I’ll put it back the way I like it. I don’t know why… It’s just the way I am built.

All of this, I know, is really a control thing. Maybe it comes from raising four children pretty much by myself. Or maybe it is a by-product of many theater productions with over 200 children on stage. Or maybe it is the result of a chaotic first marriage where so much was out of control. Who knows? It just is what it is.

Bruce used to laugh. Sure, even he was particular about some things… But, for the most part, he was fine with “whatever,” or at least that was how it appeared to me. He was always telling me that “the river doesn’t try to move the rocks. Instead, it flows around them with no effort.”

I would laugh. Those were nice thoughts, but that was him – not me. Honestly, I just let it go in one ear and out the other… That is, until he was gone.

The day he died was awful! My world came crashing down around me in just a few moments. My world went from love and laughter and dreams to being alone and feeling completely abandoned. I had no control on what had just happened or what might happen next… Everything was spinning out of my grasp, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I’m sure you can guess one of the first things I did… Yep, I did some research and made a list – a list of all the things that would “help me get through this grief.” In my naivete, I honestly thought I could go through this list, complete each item, and things would be better… I would feel better. I wouldn’t feel this awful grief anymore.

I should have known better, but I didn’t. Everything I knew about loss and death was more from Hollywood than real life… But I learned quite quickly that none of it was true. There was no checklist on earth – no list of things I could do – that could heal the hole left in my soul. Even time on its own couldn’t healed this empty space in my heart.

But over time, I have learned some things…

After Bruce died, I started reading the books he read, and listening to the speakers he listened to. (In fact, I still do.) At the time, I was trying to know him better… I was trying to understand the man he was and how he thought.

A funny thing happened, though. I started paying attention, and for the first time, I actually wanted to learn “how to flow around the rocks.” At first it seemed impossible. It was all so foreign to me.

I kept thinking I needed Bruce’s help. I didn’t think I could figure this out on my own. When he was here, he understood me and how I thought. He knew how to help me relax a little bit and just “enjoy the ride.” But trying to do that alone… without him… Well, that just seemed like a daunting task.

However, as time went on, I did find myself changing… When I looked back, bit by bit, I could see small changes. You see, every time I read one of those books or listened to one of those speakers; I learned something new. Each time, I found myself making a small change here or there… Each time I got a little better at letting another thing go and living in the moment… In other words, I was learning “how to flow around the rocks” and “enjoy the ride” once again.

It has been a long, slow road, but I am moving forward. Then, this week in my reading, I came across this…

“… A family wasn’t a static thing. There were always changes going on, like with continents, sometimes the changes were invisible and underground, and sometimes they were explosive and deadly. The trick was to keep your balance. You couldn’t control the direction of your family any more than you could stop the continental shelf from breaking apart. All you could do was hold on for the ride.” ~ Kristin Hannah, Winter Garden

Boy! This spoke volumes to me… When Bruce was alive, I didn’t want our time together to ever end. In fact, I couldn’t even imagine it. So, when it did happen, I was shocked… I couldn’t even breathe. I wanted so badly for things to go back to the way they had been… To wake up and find this was all just a bad dream… But that didn’t happen.

Through the years that followed, I have tried so hard to stay in control of my world… To never let it fall apart like that again… To minimize my risk of ever hurting like that again… To keep my family close and love them enough… Because then, maybe, I won’t lose them too. Of course, these ate all things I can’t control… All things I need to let go…

So here I sit, trying to figure out where to go from here. I think this is simply another step in my journey… Another moment of growth for me. Honestly, I don’t know what it will mean. I doubt there will be any drastic changes, because each lesson has been baby steps so far.

Yet, I believe, it will mean opening up a little bit more to life and what it offers… Being thankful for those who fill my world and enjoying every moment with them.

I am so thankful for all Bruce has taught me from our time back then, up to now, and even into tomorrow… I am so thankful that because of his legacy, I haven’t just given up. Instead, I want to honor him and all those I love (here and gone) by remembering to love this life and all who have crossed my path…

“To those who are here, those who are gone, and those who are lost.” ~ Kristin Hannah, Winter Garden

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? How are you moving forward? Where are your struggles and your successes? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Things You Taught Me, Part 1

I spent this last week at a spiritual retreat on the coast of Georgia. What a blessing! It was a week of quiet and deep self-reflection. It was a time to think and process without all the noise of daily life and routines… And more important, it was a week of healing. Over the next few weeks, I hope you will humor me, as I share some of what I experienced there and how it has impacted my grief for Bruce and this path we call life…

I spent most of my life caught up in a religion of rules and exclusivity… A religion of “believe or burn” … a religion of fear and distrust… At least, that was the way I experienced it. While I had made my fair share of mistakes, I thought I was doing okay… I was trying to be “devout” and do the “right things.” Then Bruce died, and my world fell apart…

How could a God who loved me, give me this wonderful gift of a man and then just as quickly take it away? Why would he do that? What kind of love is that?

I struggled with those questions (and more)… My grief journey soon included not only my grief for the loss of Bruce, but also, a grief for the loss of my faith. Bruce was gone… My faith and trust in God were gone. I wanted Bruce back more than anything else, but my faith wasn’t something I wanted to think about… I was done.

However, several months later, I had a dream – a dream that started this journey and led me back home to a place in my soul where I had never been before.

Day 1 Reflections:

Hi Babe,
I am supposed to be thinking about whether or not I believe God made me for himself, and if I believe God is big enough for me… That is a big question.

Years ago, I would have said, “No.” After you died, the God I had been taught to believe in was not enough… because I was not enough. I didn’t believe he loved me as I was… And that led to more confusion. I couldn’t understand why he made me (or any of us) at all, if he couldn’t love me as he made me (flawed and imperfect). If I can love my own child – flaws and all, why couldn’t he do the same with me? So, no… I didn’t trust him – not at all.

Then in a dream, you told me, “God is not the God of your parents. He is so much more… And he loves you. He created all of you… each part, and he loves all of you.”

It took me years to move past a concrete religion to a spiritual faith… And you led me there, Babe. Through your legacy, you led me to speakers and books that slowly showed me a different way to believe in God. Now… finally, your statement made early in our relationship makes sense… “Yes,” you said, “I am a Christian, but not in the same way you are.” At the time, I prayed for your soul… When honestly, you had the answer I needed.

Thank you for being my teacher, especially over these past six years.

 

Dear God, my love,
Thank you for this morning. Thank you for a faith of connection and love versus do’s and don’ts/who’s in and who’s out. Thank you for all the things that led me to this place… on this day… with these people. I am here this week, learning that I am not alone… That is my miracle today, and I am so very thankful. It is so wonderful to know, I really can trust you, even when life feels like it is falling apart around me… I just had to find you. No, you found me (when I was ready). And as you told me, “Linda, don’t worry. If you miss me (and I did for so long), I will find you… And you did.
I love you… Always and Forever!

It’s funny how those we love can still direct us even after they are gone. Bruce left a legacy that I am still unraveling and is still influencing my life… That is a blessing I never expected or knew could exist!

What about you? Have you ever found yourself reading their books, listening to their music or the things that influenced their lives? What have you learned? This journey can be so very hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities.

Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A Birthday Present for Bruce

For as long as I knew him (and probably before that), Bruce always spent his birthday with his folks. The first year I had only known him a few months when he invited me to join him at his parents’ home to celebrate his birthday. At that time, they lived in a small town just outside Pensacola, on the Alabama side of the border, called Lillian. I was so nervous about going, but it was a magical weekend… And it wasn’t even my birthday.

During that weekend, I learned just how important family was to this man I had fallen in love with… Which only made me love him that much more. With the exception of 2011, we traveled there every year to celebrate his birthday, and it became the highlight of springtime for both us. When we were in Michigan, it was a much-needed break from the never-ending winter, while celebrating life with people we loved. Then, once we moved to Florida, it was a day’s drive over with the same results… Always a magical week filled with love, laughter, sunshine, and relaxation.

As I said, that was every year except 2011… That was the year we bought our home here in Florida. So, instead of going to their house, Bruce’s parents came here and helped us move into our new home. This time it was a sweat-filled weekend, but it was still wonderful. We joked all weekend about Bruce getting a house for his birthday gift.

Bruce and I were so excited! While we owned our condo in Michigan, it had actually been Bruce’s before we got married. This was different… It was a home… with a yard… and we had picked it out together. This was truly our home.

It isn’t a secret, (I have written about it before), before Bruce and I were married, I lost everything. Partially due to a bitter divorce and the other part was a simple lack of knowledge about my options. Either way there was a financial mess left from my first marriage. There were some things (like credit card debt I didn’t know existed) to my ex-husband’s refusal to sign paperwork (which ended in the loss of property) to a very bad investment with a family friend (which was later deemed a Ponzi scheme).

However, when I married Bruce, he introduced me to Dave Ramsey’s money management system. It was one of the most practical things I have ever learned. Throughout our marriage, Bruce still preferred to handle the household budget. Since we married later in life, we chose to keep separate accounts, while I pitched in a percentage to the family budget. All of which was fine with me… I was learning… Not just how to budget my money, but how to make it actually work for me.

So, years later when we bought this house, I was much more savvy with money, (although still learning). In my previous marriage, we had moved and purchased several homes, so I thought I knew all about buying houses. But this time, it was so different. Back then, it was about finding “the” house. A house we just “had to have.” Said house also needed to be at the top end of what we could possibly afford. (I don’t know why… That was just the mindset in my first marriage.)

However, Bruce taught me something so different. To start, he explained that we needed to find a home that we could afford on one income, just in case the time ever came when we needed to live off one income vs two. Also, (and he was very adamant about this one), don’t fall in love with a house… I can’t even begin to count the number of times he said, “We have to be willing to walk away at any point.” At first, I thought it was all kind of silly, but it proved to be the best advice ever.

When we finally decided to make the purchase, we chose a 15-year mortgage. The plan, however, was to make double payments and pay it off in seven to eight years instead. Keep in mind, during this time, Bruce was still managing the money. As a consequence, during the one and a half years we lived here together, I only asked once if we were making double payments. He said, “yes,” and I left it at that.

When he died, however, I learned that wasn’t quite true. He had made one double payment… only one. (I am guessing it was the same month I asked. LOL!) In hindsight, I know a lot of our budget went to travel, which I don’t regret for a moment. I also think I should have been pitching in more money to the budget. However, I didn’t know, and he hadn’t said a word.

Whatever the reason, when he died, I learned the truth…

But… like I said, it was okay… I don’t regret any of the travel, and difficult conversations were never easy for either of us. But at that point, I decided I was going to meet that deadline… Come hell or high water, I was going to prove to myself (and him) that we could do this.

So last week, almost 8 years to the date, (I was three days early), I made the last payment on this house… Another birthday present for Bruce… and me! As I walked out of the bank that day, and as I sat at the beach on his birthday this weekend, all I kept saying was, …

“We did it, Babe! You taught me how… You set me up for success… and we did it! Our home is really ours now!… So, Happy Birthday, Babe! I love you!”

What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? Did your loved one leave a legacy that set you up for success? Have you been able to accomplish a dream you both shared? If not, is that an area where you struggle or don’t know how to move forward? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Thank you

“Thank you for being the reason I smile!” ~ 365 Relationship Quotes About Happiness to Live By

During the short time Bruce and I were together, I can remember writing thank you notes to his parents for the gift of this wonderful man they had raised. Even from the beginning, I knew I wanted to thank them… They needed to know that because of their parenting, this wonderful man had blessed my life. On a constant basis throughout our marriage, Bruce and I also never missed an opportunity to thank each other for all the ways we felt blessed because of what the other person added to our life. In all honesty, I believe this simple act had the biggest impact on our more-than-successful marriage than anything else.

There is nothing quite like being appreciative and feeling appreciated to build a strong relationship… which has led me to write the following in my journal this week…

Hi Babe!

I know there are so many times, I start writing with “I miss you so much.” However, today I just wanted to say, “Thank you.”

From the moment you first said, “Hello” to our last kiss goodnight, I never doubted your love… Quite an accomplishment given the situation I came from before I knew you. Yet, because of you, I learned what love really is and how to trust again.

You had the simplest ways of showing me that love…

I will always remember the time when we were first married… I had poured you a beer and when I handed it to you, it slipped to the floor, leaving glass and beer everywhere. It was a huge mess, and my instant response was pure fear!

Based on the experiences in my first marriage, I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in… So scared of the consequences I thought would come. I sat in silence waiting for you to come bang on the door and yell at me for making such a mess. That was what I had learned before you… But that never happened. Instead, I could hear you, through the door, cleaning up the mess.

Then, quietly you came and knocked ever so gently on the door. I can’t remember the exact words you said, but hesitantly, I opened the door. Gently, you reached out, took me in your arms and just held me… And I sobbed.

Once I had calmed down, we went back into the freshly cleaned kitchen where you proceeded to pour yourself another beer. I will never forget the next thing you did… You looked me in the eye, held up the glass as if to take a drink, and simply let it go… In disbelief, I watched it crash to the floor creating another new mess. Then, you took me back in your arms and said, “Life is messy sometimes. That’s okay… We can handle that… Nothing will ever make me stop loving you.”

That was my first real memory of the unconditional love that came to envelop my world with you. In that moment, I began to understand and experience true unconditional love… A love that changed my whole world.

But my appreciation doesn’t end there. You also taught me to be a better me… Not through nagging or criticism or anything remotely close to that. You never made me feel like you wanted me to be anything different than what I was in that moment. No… It was your quiet confidence in me that encouraged me.

I learned to take chances… I learn it was okay to fail… and try again. Through it all, you just smiled and encouraged me to try again or to try the next thing. You never told me what to do or not do… You simple smiled, asked me what I wanted to do, and loved me no matter what.

At first, when you died, I was lost. I didn’t think I could do anything else without you there… I missed your encouragement and your confidence. I’m even ashamed to admit it, but in a lot of ways, I lost a lot of the ground I had gained in my own growth. However, once I finally got my feet back under myself, that started to change.

There have been a few rough starts, but rather than letting that appreciation and love fade into the background, I have once again learned to use it to become a stronger person… A better version of me…

I can’t begin to tell you how many times when I am scared to try something new – something way outside my comfort zone – I think about you… And I know… In my mind, I can see you smile with those gentle, loving eyes… In my heart, I can hear your voice telling me you believe in me… I just need to believe in myself. It is almost like you are still here by my side as I gather my courage and push forward.

Thank you for that, Babe! Thank you for building a legacy so strong and so filled with love that even death can’t stop it. Even now, you still amaze me… The way you chose to live your life and love the people around you, still influences me six years later. That is amazing… You are amazing…

I love you, Babe… Always and forever!

“But there’s another kind of love. One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, one that makes you feel that anything is possible.” ~ Michael Bliss, Nights in Rodanthe

What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? If you could thank your loved one for how they changed and added to your life, what would you say? Do you struggle with how to hold onto that? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Miracles and Purpose

Why did it turn out this way?
Did I do something wrong?
Does God hate me?
Am I really so bad?
I don’t want much…
Just you!
Why is that the one thing I can’t have?
~ Linda, January 2018

This week I watched the movie, Miracles from Heaven. It is the beautiful story of faith, miracles, family love, and near-death experiences. (I definitely recommend it, but be warned, it will tug at your heartstrings.) In the movie, there is a scene where the little girl has fallen and is unresponsive. However, the rescue workers cannot reach her. After several hours, the mother is watching in horror as the people around her start to discuss the likelihood that the child is already dead. The camera zooms-in on her face as the background noise becomes muffled and the world around her seems to fade into the background, as she focuses everything on the spot where her daughter has fallen. She slowly moves closer and closer to the rescue crew, unable to believe this is how it is going to end.

At that point, I lost it… Suddenly, I was taken back to that moment when the EMS crew was working on Bruce.

I had already been doing CPR until they arrived. At that point, they moved him to the floor just inside our bedroom and began working on him. I stood about ten feet away watching in horror. Just like the mother in the movie, everything became surreal… I watched in disbelief as the EMS crew tried everything available to get Bruce’s heart to start beating again… Like the movie, I was unable to believe this was how it was going to end… This couldn’t be happening… This couldn’t be real… I wasn’t ready for this!

In the movie, the girl is rescued alive… I don’t want to spoil the whole movie, but believe me when I say, her family got several miracles that day. And while I know it was selfish on my part, all I could think was how blessed they were, and how my family wasn’t given a miracle… Bruce’s eyes never opened; his heart never restarted, and he never took another breath. For us, it really was over… and I was devastated.

For years after Bruce died, that is where I stayed… That is where I struggled. I couldn’t understand why Bruce had to die, and why we weren’t given the miracles I had heard about all my life. Just like the mother in the movie, I even had people tell me it was my own sin or “wrong faith” which prevented any miracles and caused Bruce’s death.

But this week, I moved past those thoughts…

Right after watching the movie, as I was settling in for the night, my devotions were about our purpose and destiny in life. According to Victor Frankl, “Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life… a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein, he cannot be replaced… everyone’s task is as unique as his specific opportunity.” The author then added, “God created you for a specific purpose. Your responsibility (and joy) is to identify it.”

That’s when I realized Bruce was my miracle… and still is… He had a purpose which he fulfilled while he was here… And he still has a purpose,which carries on even today.

Let me explain, what I mean…

While he was here, he showed me what unconditional love really is… He lived it every moment of our time together. He showed my children what a true man and a healthy marriage look like. And the healing he brought to my little family was nothing short of a miracle.

Move forward to today… There are so many things I am still learning from him, as I constantly contemplate how he chose to live his life. He showed me how to have patience and acceptance for others without ever compromising my own values. He also showed me this world doesn’t have to be a “them or us” place… There is room for all us with all of our different cultures, opinions and life styles. One of the main pieces of his legacy which I have drawn from lately is learning to have the strength and resilience to flow with whatever life throws my way (like this cancer journey of the past few months).

So that is our miracle…

The fact that his purpose is still alive and well, and his legacy is still being lived out daily… And as long his legacy is still being lived by those of us who love him, there will always be a piece of Bruce is this world.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? Did you ever experience that feeling of disbelief that your time together was over? How did you reconcile reality with what you thought would last forever? Maybe you learned a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… When We Became Me

Carol King’s 1971 hit, “Tapestry,” has always struck a chord with me… I remember getting that album for Christmas and listening to it over and over. (In fact, I still own it – in CD form – and listen to it constantly.) There has always been something hauntingly true in her lyrics about how our lives are filled with one change after another and our response to those changes.

All of us have experienced change in our lives… It is impossible not to. It is those transforming experiences that shape and mold us – that make us who we are at any given point in time… But even that can (and will) change…

As a young child living along a country, dirt road, I remember being carefree… There wasn’t too much that really bothered me, and even knowing the consequences, I would usually do whatever I felt inclined to try… Life was fun, and my world was safe. However by about mid-childhood, I had definitely changed into a “rules driven” personality… I wanted to be a “good girl” in the eyes of the adults in my world. I have to admit I wasn’t always successful, (there was still too much “carefree” inside), but I tried.

Like most teenagers, I was constantly told I was rebellious. (Although, looking back, I would call it “finding my wings.”) I can remember sitting in Sunday School and listening to the teacher use Carol King’s song as an analogy. She described the “mess” on the back of a tapestry and how sometimes that is the way we view our lives as we go from one experience to another. But God is creating the front of the tapestry, and we should wait patiently to see the beauty of the finished product.

Move ahead to my first marriage, and I had changed again… Due to the violence in our home, I became whoever I needed to be in each moment to keep the peace as best I could. I learned to assess body language and emotions before, during and after every interaction…. Being vigilant to notice any change in these became a “normal” (albeit stress-filled) way of life…

However, I “found my wings” again when I left that situation and moved on. It was a beautiful feeling as I learned to love life again. In fact, when I met Bruce during this time, I initially walked away, because I didn’t want to chance being stifled again… I just wanted to live my life in peace.

Obviously that didn’t last long! : ) Bruce’s inner strength and gentle spirit had already woven their magic into my soul. We were connected in a way, that I would have told you only happened in Fairy Tales… But it happened to us. And for eight beautiful years, I was blessed to live “happily ever after.”

I blossomed during those years. Without saying a word, Bruce taught me about acceptance, unconditional love and living a genuine life. People tell me, I had the same effect on him. We both changed, I guess, and became more of who we were meant to be… We were amazing together.

Then, one night without any warning, We became Me again.

In the beginning, I was too numb with shock to understand or accept what had happened. If it weren’t for my journals and the “On this day” feature on Face Book, I wouldn’t remember very much about that first year… except the emotions. I remember feeling angry and scared and mostly abandoned. I think it would be safe to say I lost myself that year…

Sometime towards the end of that first year, though, I started digging deeper into who Bruce was… into his legacy. I wanted to understand this quiet man and what made him tick. So, I started reading the books and articles he had read. I listened to the speakers and music he enjoyed. I dug through his papers searching for anything hand-written, in an effort to understand what he felt was important… After four years of this, I feel I understand Bruce so much more now than when he was here.

I also have come to realize I have changed again… I am still me, but I have taken on a lot of Bruce, too.

I think one of the biggest changes is in being social. I used to love being social… going out with friends and entertaining were top on my list of fun things to do… I never knew a stranger – “The more the merrier” was my mantra. Now (more like Bruce), I am content to be alone or simply hang out with one or two people. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not shy… I can do crowds and strangers, but it is not my preference… It is not my comfort zone.

It probably sounds crazy (given my first marriage), but in the past I trusted everyone… A person had to show me several times I could not trust them before I made that call. Now (more like Bruce), I believe trust is something that comes with time – It is not a “given.” I am learning I can accept someone where they are on their journey and care about them, but that does not necessarily translate into trusting them.

Probably the biggest change has been my faith. Before, I was very good at being religious and calling it faith. I knew all the “right” answers and could quote scripture to back it up. Bruce, however, was very different… He wasn’t a fan of organized religion, yet he lived a life that was more “Christ-like,” more genuine and loving, than anyone I had ever met. To get from where I was to where he had been took a lot of soul searching…

When Bruce died, I was very angry with God… I am talking about the cursing and shaking my fist at God kind of mad… After all, I had followed the “rules.” Why did he let this happen? Hadn’t I already dealt with enough? Why did he send me such happiness, just to snatch it away? Did he really hate me this much?

As I learned more and more about what made Bruce tick, I found myself digging deeper and deeper into my own faith and what I really believe… I had my own spiritual experience and found my own faith… As a result, I feel closer to God than I have ever felt in my life, because for the first time, my faith is based on my experience and no one else’s… I, also, have to say while I am no longer “good at religion,” I am much better at being me and living in a way that reflects what I say believe.

So why am I telling you all of this?

Because when Bruce died, “We” became “Me” in an instant. When people talked about my “new normal” and my “grief journey,” I thought they were referring to healing and learning to love again. I had no idea what they were referring to would mean a lot more change.

The funny part is I didn’t really realize how much I have changed… how much of Bruce’s legacy I have taken on until this year. It makes me smile to when I see the beauty of Bruce’s tapestry as it has been (and continues to be) inter-woven into mine…

Yes, there was a day when “We” became “Me”… But as time passes, I am learning that there will always be a bit of “We” inside me… That part of the Tapestry can never be undone… and that makes me smile the most.

For most of us, the grief journey is a hard one. Learning to navigate this path and being willing to change can make the difference between healing and merely surviving. What about you? Looking back, do you find you have stayed the same or changed? What does your tapestry look like? If any of this strikes a chord with you, let us know. Or if you need a hand, let us know… we are here for you. If you have found a positive way through this, would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.