Tag: moving forward

Peace, Love, and Grief – Looking Back or Moving Forward

“Hope is the expectation of future good and is often impacted by time, but you are the one controlling the process.” ~ The Sweetest Christmas: Advent 2023, December 4, 2023

I missed writing last week as I was celebrating the holiday with my family… Not all of my family, but most of them, including my daughter and her husband, from across the pond. It has been well over a decade since I shared this holiday with my daughter, and I have never shared it with them as a couple. So, this time, this year has held so much joy and love, and I am trying to take it all in and hold onto these precious memories being made… Because we all know that another year… day… or moment is not promised.

Then, this week, as we have moved closer to the new year, my mind has also moved on to “what is next”…

Years ago, when Bruce first passed away, I didn’t want to think about what lay ahead. All I could see ahead of me were years and years of being without Bruce… Years and years of not seeing his gentle eyes or mischievous grin… Years and years of not hearing him say he loves me or holding me in the middle of the night… Years and years spent alone.

And each time I thought of all those future years “without”, that was all I could see. My whole outlook was one of scarcity… I couldn’t see or even remotely imagine living my life without Bruce, much less learning to feel any kind of hope or joy in that future.

Through the years that have followed, I have slowly… very slowly learned to find happiness… then joy… and peace… And this year, I finally found hope again. It wasn’t easy and it didn’t happen overnight. Instead, it was an ideology that was presented to me early in the year. The crazy thing is it wasn’t even a new idea to me. It is one I heard before but didn’t quite know how to implement. Maybe it was the timing, or maybe I was simply “ready” … Maybe it was due to the support I have felt in my life this year.

What I heard years ago was from Wayne Dyer – “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” Which is a great quote, and I understand the point. However, at the time, I couldn’t figure out how to act on it. I would try, but I struggled for consistency… My thoughts seemed to always wander back down the rabbit hole of grief and loneliness.

This year, though, I heard it worded a bit different … It was worded in a way that left me feeling empowered. I don’t know why; I know we are each inspired or triggered by certain words, so I am guessing I needed something more succinct… Maybe? Who knows?

The phrase is “Our thoughts create our experiences”. For whatever the reason, this simple phrasing has felt easier to act upon. I do believe that my thoughts will color whatever is happening in my world. If I am having a rough day, it is easy to only see the things that go wrong. Yet, when I am having a good day, the opposite happens, and I seem to only see the blessings happening around me.

Since Bruce died, I have struggled with depression and grief. Those emotions colored everything. Even the joy and hope I might have felt was covered in the grayness of depression and grief. As the years passed, I learned that I had to watch how far I allowed myself to go down the rabbit hole, but I hadn’t quite wrapped my mind around changing my thoughts… Until this year.

This idea that my happiness… my joy… my peace… my hope… my entire attitude is what will actually create the way I experience my future has been eye-opening. When I hear someone say to let go of those things that aren’t serving me, I know that those things are not people or situations. Instead, it is my attitude toward those people or situations.

To help me move the dial on those thoughts, I have reached out for support from friends and family, as well as, going through some serious therapy for past traumas, such as Bruce’s death. Has my whole world changed overnight? Am I now happy-go-lucky all the time? No and no…

First of all, just building the habit of being aware of my thoughts and where I am letting them lead me has been a process. It still is… I am better at it than I was 11 months ago. Yet, I believe this will always be something I need to monitor.

Second, I don’t think it is about being “happy-go-lucky” all the time. That isn’t my goal, and it isn’t healthy either. (In fact, I think that can easily be a toxic positivity.) Instead, I think it is about being honest about your feelings and thoughts, but instead of letting them run rampant, I need to acknowledge and work through them before they take over and color everything in my world.

This year has also offered plenty of opportunities for me to practice this new way of living. There has been plenty of loss… plenty of hurt. Have I gotten it right each time? No. Have I gotten a little better each time? Yes… and that is my goal… to stop being stuck looking back, and instead to keep finding the hope in each situation… to keep moving forward… even if it is teeny, tiny baby steps.

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… My Own Journey

Time changes nothing on its own…
That is my job now.
This is a journey.
It is mine…
I must own it to survive it.
~ Linda, September 15, 2013

When I left my teaching career and joined the corporate world, travel quickly became a part of the job. Over the years I have traveled all over the continental U.S. – sometimes with others, most times alone. While this past year corporate travel has been restricted, either alone or with my little family, we have still rented homes and traveled here and there. We travel by car, keep our distance and are safe, but we do it because we just seem to have a need for a change of scenery. Sometimes we have gone to places that are so familiar it is almost like going home, and other times we have no idea where we are going or how to get there.

Without fail, we seem to always have a wonderful time. Yet, I can say without question that after being away for a while, it is always a treat to come back home. However, as anyone grieving can attest, the journey home isn’t always an easy one either…

I know… This is simply the way life is. Life is filled with journeys – true journeys and metaphorical journeys. It is how we grow and learn and develop. It is how we discover new things about ourselves and how we expand our lives. In fact, when we suffer loss, what is it called? Exactly – the world calls it a “grief journey.”

Like all journeys, there is something to be learned along this path… Unlike other journeys, we did not choose this one. It is not a path anyone would willingly take, but we weren’t given an option. And to make it a little bit more difficult, the only choices are to move forward or stand still. So many times, over the past few years, I have hesitated… not quite willing to take the next step. Eventually, though, I have managed to take a breath and put one foot in front of the other… moving tentatively until I get my bearings.

Last week, I wrote about when Bruce and I met while cruising in the Virgin Islands. So, it only seemed fitting that through the years of our marriage, we did a lot of traveling together. Like any journey, you learn a lot about a person when you travel with them. Bruce and I were no different. We learned right away that traveling in a car for any extended period of time was not the best idea. Why? Well, Bruce did not eat or drink while driving, and he liked it quiet. I, on the other hand, like to eat, drink, sing, talk, play games, etc. (In other words, I like to be entertained.) In fact, it was during one such trip from Michigan to Alabama that I learned Bruce didn’t like opera. I was driving and he was napping… So, to stay awake, I sang opera for hours. Guess who was not amused… Go figure! In all honestly, though, it was a good learning experience that we laughed about for years!

Several times I have written about the night Bruce died and the ride back home from the hospital – alone. It still feels like just yesterday… I can remember thinking that this would be my life now… always coming home alone to no one – just an empty house. What I did not realize was the enormity of what that would entail. Even all these years later, I can say that there are still days that can feel quite daunting. So much so that sometimes I find myself hesitating before I even get out of my car and walk inside.

The expanse of this lone journey began to dawn on me in the early weeks after Bruce’s death. I would turn the corner and see Bruce’s truck in the driveway. My first instinct was happiness and excitement. Bruce was home! Then, just as quickly, it would hit me full force and I would remember… Bruce was not home; no one was home. The only reason his truck sat there for as long as it did was because I couldn’t bring myself to sell it. Yet, even months later after I did (finally) sell his truck, I learned that coming home still wasn’t any easier.

In fact, there are still days when I find myself wishing with my whole being that he would be there to greet me when I walk through the door. While I no longer cry or breakdown, I think there will always be a part of me that secretly wishes for all of this to be a dream… That somehow I will wake up and he will be there waiting to greet me with a hug and a smile.

Right now, with my daughter and grandson here, it is easier to come on inside. There is almost always someone here to shout “hello” from another room, (although I know that will not always be the case). I know, the time will come again when I will come home to a house that is (again) quiet and empty. I am sure I will (at times) find myself sitting in the driveway for a few moments gathering my thoughts, my emotions (and my courage) before I go inside. Yet, I also know I will just as quickly remember how blessed I am to have shared this space with Bruce at all… And to still be able to live here… in this space that was ours. This space where I so often feel his presence and remember the love and life we shared.

I guess what I am saying is that through the years, I have learned to look (more often) at what I still have versus what I don’t. I am learning to look for the blessings and be thankful for them, which has been my way of moving forward through this journey.

We all know grief is challenging, and with some days or scenarios harder than others. Sometimes this journey can feel like a lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. However, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. When we open our hearts to one another and take a chance, we can survive whatever lies ahead. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… To Those Who are Gone

While I have my artsy, creative side and my messy spaces, for the most part, I like order. Yes, I like “stuff,” but there is an order to the stuff. Each item has an order and belongs in a certain place (and in a certain way). I am also a “list person.” It brings me great satisfaction to check the items off as each one is completed. For example, the paper towels need to sit a certain way on the holder, and the toilet paper needs to roll from the top. Even my clothes in the closet are arranged by clothing type and color. Shoot, even the little men on the Foosball table need to be lined up just right.

I know it sounds a bit crazy, and Bruce used to laugh at my “nerdiness,” but it’s just me. Honestly though, I won’t say anything to anyone if they do it different, (I don’t expect or want everyone to be like me). It’s just when I notice something “out of place” in my own home, I’ll put it back the way I like it. I don’t know why… It’s just the way I am built.

All of this, I know, is really a control thing. Maybe it comes from raising four children pretty much by myself. Or maybe it is a by-product of many theater productions with over 200 children on stage. Or maybe it is the result of a chaotic first marriage where so much was out of control. Who knows? It just is what it is.

Bruce used to laugh. Sure, even he was particular about some things… But, for the most part, he was fine with “whatever,” or at least that was how it appeared to me. He was always telling me that “the river doesn’t try to move the rocks. Instead, it flows around them with no effort.”

I would laugh. Those were nice thoughts, but that was him – not me. Honestly, I just let it go in one ear and out the other… That is, until he was gone.

The day he died was awful! My world came crashing down around me in just a few moments. My world went from love and laughter and dreams to being alone and feeling completely abandoned. I had no control on what had just happened or what might happen next… Everything was spinning out of my grasp, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I’m sure you can guess one of the first things I did… Yep, I did some research and made a list – a list of all the things that would “help me get through this grief.” In my naivete, I honestly thought I could go through this list, complete each item, and things would be better… I would feel better. I wouldn’t feel this awful grief anymore.

I should have known better, but I didn’t. Everything I knew about loss and death was more from Hollywood than real life… But I learned quite quickly that none of it was true. There was no checklist on earth – no list of things I could do – that could heal the hole left in my soul. Even time on its own couldn’t healed this empty space in my heart.

But over time, I have learned some things…

After Bruce died, I started reading the books he read, and listening to the speakers he listened to. (In fact, I still do.) At the time, I was trying to know him better… I was trying to understand the man he was and how he thought.

A funny thing happened, though. I started paying attention, and for the first time, I actually wanted to learn “how to flow around the rocks.” At first it seemed impossible. It was all so foreign to me.

I kept thinking I needed Bruce’s help. I didn’t think I could figure this out on my own. When he was here, he understood me and how I thought. He knew how to help me relax a little bit and just “enjoy the ride.” But trying to do that alone… without him… Well, that just seemed like a daunting task.

However, as time went on, I did find myself changing… When I looked back, bit by bit, I could see small changes. You see, every time I read one of those books or listened to one of those speakers; I learned something new. Each time, I found myself making a small change here or there… Each time I got a little better at letting another thing go and living in the moment… In other words, I was learning “how to flow around the rocks” and “enjoy the ride” once again.

It has been a long, slow road, but I am moving forward. Then, this week in my reading, I came across this…

“… A family wasn’t a static thing. There were always changes going on, like with continents, sometimes the changes were invisible and underground, and sometimes they were explosive and deadly. The trick was to keep your balance. You couldn’t control the direction of your family any more than you could stop the continental shelf from breaking apart. All you could do was hold on for the ride.” ~ Kristin Hannah, Winter Garden

Boy! This spoke volumes to me… When Bruce was alive, I didn’t want our time together to ever end. In fact, I couldn’t even imagine it. So, when it did happen, I was shocked… I couldn’t even breathe. I wanted so badly for things to go back to the way they had been… To wake up and find this was all just a bad dream… But that didn’t happen.

Through the years that followed, I have tried so hard to stay in control of my world… To never let it fall apart like that again… To minimize my risk of ever hurting like that again… To keep my family close and love them enough… Because then, maybe, I won’t lose them too. Of course, these ate all things I can’t control… All things I need to let go…

So here I sit, trying to figure out where to go from here. I think this is simply another step in my journey… Another moment of growth for me. Honestly, I don’t know what it will mean. I doubt there will be any drastic changes, because each lesson has been baby steps so far.

Yet, I believe, it will mean opening up a little bit more to life and what it offers… Being thankful for those who fill my world and enjoying every moment with them.

I am so thankful for all Bruce has taught me from our time back then, up to now, and even into tomorrow… I am so thankful that because of his legacy, I haven’t just given up. Instead, I want to honor him and all those I love (here and gone) by remembering to love this life and all who have crossed my path…

“To those who are here, those who are gone, and those who are lost.” ~ Kristin Hannah, Winter Garden

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? How are you moving forward? Where are your struggles and your successes? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Where Life Takes Us

Time changes nothing on its own…
That is my job now.
This is a journey.
It is mine…
I must own it to survive it.
~ Linda, September 2013

This next week I will be traveling… heading to a spiritual retreat in GA. While normally I avoid being still for too long, this time I am looking forward to some down time – time to think and process without all the noise of daily life and routines. I know I am going to miss my family here and my home… And although this isn’t a long journey, I know that after a week, it will be a treat to return home.

This is the way life is…. filled with journeys – true journeys and metaphorical journeys. It is how we grow and learn and develop. It is how we discover new things about ourselves and how we expand our lives. In fact, when we suffer loss, what is it called? It is called a grief journey.

Like all other journeys, there is something to be learned, but unlike other journeys, I did not choose this one. It is not a path anyone would willingly take, but for those of us who find ourselves here, we didn’t have an option. In fact, now the only choices are to move forward or stand still. Many times along the way, I have hesitated, not quite willing to take the next step… Eventually, I do manage to take a breath and put one foot in front of the other… moving tentatively until I can get my bearings.

Life, itself, is a journey. It takes me where it will – sometimes there are choices and sometimes there is not… Some paths are scary, and others are absolutely amazing…

For Bruce and I, our journey started when we met while cruising in the Virgin Islands. Therefore, it only seemed fitting that throughout the years of our marriage, we did a lot of traveling. Like any journey, you learn a lot about a person when you travel with them. Bruce and I were no different.

We learned right away that traveling in a car together for any extended amount of time was not the best idea. Why? Well, Bruce did not snack at all while driving, and he liked it completely quiet. I, however, love to eat, drink, sing, talk, and play games. (In other words – I like to be entertained.)

I can remember a particular trip from Michigan to Alabama when I learned Bruce didn’t like opera. I was driving and he was napping (or trying to). So to fill the time, I sang opera the entire way. Guess who was not amused… Go figure! We both laughed about that one for years!

I have written several times about the night Bruce died. A few times, I mentioned the ride home from the hospital… alone. At the time, I remember thinking that this would be my life now… always coming home alone to no one. What I did not realize was the enormity of what that would entail. For years that was my life… And it was quite daunting. I can remember on many occasions sitting in the driveway in my car… Not wanting to walk inside to the overwhelming quiet that waited there for me.

The expanse of just how lonely this journey could be began to dawn on me in the early weeks after Bruce’s death. I would turn the corner and see Bruce’s truck still sitting there in the driveway. My first instinct was happiness and excitement. Bruce was home! Then, it would hit me full force, and I would remember… Bruce was not home; no one was home. The truck was still sitting there, because I hadn’t sold it yet.

However, months later after selling his truck, I learned that coming home still wasn’t any easier. In fact, even now there are days when I find myself wishing with all my heart that he would be there to greet me when I walk through the door. I no longer cry or breakdown, but I do secretly wish for all of this to be a dream… for him to be there waiting to greet me with a hug and a smile.

Flying together, however, was a different story. Those journeys were fantastic! We would always snuggle up. (Yes, we were that couple.) Sometimes, I would lay my head on his shoulder and snooze. Other times we would play games on his phone or share a set of headphones and listen to music together. For us, it didn’t matter what we did; what was important was the time spent together. It was our journey… together.

This last year, I found myself on another journey… Learning to manage the path of cancer was hard, and while I had some absolutely fantastic people by my side the whole way, traveling that path without Bruce by my side was the hardest part.

Thankfully, I am blessed to still live this space that was ours. This space where I can still feel Bruce’s presence all around me. Perhaps it sounds silly, but the comfort this space has brought me this past year felt a little like coming full circle on this journey.

I guess what I am saying is we have no control on where life takes us… Sure we make choices, but we don’t control the whole picture… We can’t foresee the bends and turns in the path ahead. In fact, the best we can do is to look for the blessings and be thankful for them, love the people around us and find comfort in the simple things life offers… And while I still trip up sometimes, that has become my goal… my way of moving forward through this journey.

I have learned a lot on this grief journey so far. At first, I was so angry, I was resistant to learning anything. What in the world did I need to learn alone that I couldn’t learn with Bruce by my side? However, in time I have come to learn that isn’t the point. It wasn’t about Bruce and I being together until the end of our lives. Instead, it was about us being together and loving each other until the end of his life. I know we will be together again one day, but my life isn’t over.

My journey of love with Bruce taught me so much… My journey of grief has also taught me a lot, and Bruce still gets credit for that. Why? Because when he died, he left a beautiful legacy in his wake.

I constantly find myself trying to learn more about who he was and what made him tick by experiencing all the things I took for granted while he was here. I love to read his “go-to” books, listen to his music and try doing the things he enjoyed. I love finding notes he scribbled in the margins of books, on cards or just scraps of paper tucked inside something.

The funny part is while I am doing all those things, in my quest to understand him, I usually end up learning so much more about myself. I have learned that there is still so much more out there for me. As long as I have breath, l have a purpose… Without a doubt, I know I still have so much to learn and so much more to give back wherever life should take me…

What about you? Where are you on your journey? Where has life taken you? What have you learned? We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Accepting “What Is”

Learning to Smile Again

I smile again…
Slow at first,
A little awkward,
Then quickly, I shut it down.
Soon I am smiling again –
A little longer,
A little bigger,
One day I think I will smile like I smiled before –
Full of life… and love.
~ Linda, January 2014

Do you ever have weeks that seem to be meant for reflection? Nothing bad… no real sadness… just plenty of time to reflect on where I have been, where I am and where I am going… This week has been one of those weeks for me.

I think it started last weekend while I was talking to my grandson about our “Happiness Board.” This “Happiness Board” is a dry-erase board in our kitchen. It has three columns (one for each of us) and seven rows (one for each day of the week). Each day we list the things from that day that made us happy or we are thankful for. We started this just a few weeks ago in response to all the negativity that seems to fill this world lately. It is our attempt to stay focused on the positive things in our lives, instead of all the things that can so easily bring us down.

For me, it has become a great way to remain focused on what I have in my life versus what I don’t have (like Bruce). By looking for things to be thankful for… Things that bring happiness, I find myself better able to accept what is happening around me. In many ways, it has become a great reminder to celebrate life… something I know Bruce would want me to continue doing.

What I have found is while the big (aka – material) things may make me smile in the moment, these aren’t the things that make me smile the biggest or that warm my heart the most. In fact, usually it is the most simple things that bring the most joy… Things like afternoon rain, laughing, dancing in the living room or Sunday afternoon naps… So many times, I know it is in the simple moments of life where the best memories are made.

Don’t get me wrong… This board is not a “fix” that demands I must always be happy or ignore those moments when I miss Bruce and a tear slides down my cheek. As I reflect this week, I know those days and moments will probably always be a part of my world. Like the economy, it is the continuous ups and downs that truly lead to growth. It takes both – the times of happiness when I am able to accept “what is,” and those times of struggle when I find myself stretching and growing.

It is weeks like this when I remind myself I should not always expect continuous growth… That’s not realistic. Instead, I need to strive to be a little better each day… Yet, always willing to allow myself the grace to accept it when I’m not – knowing that it’s not only okay… It’s normal.

I guess, the more I reflect, the more I learn… I need to remember the positives God has sent into my life each day. I also need to keep reminding myself that the overall direction of my life is always more important than wherever I am at any given moment as I keep learning to accept “what is.”

To move forward,
You must live in the present moment first…
Whatever it is, let yourself go and just live!
~Linda, February 2015

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own lessons we must learn. Have you ever allowed yourself the time to reflect on where you were compared to where you are now? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Old Year’s Night/New Year’s Eve

Where we’ve been and where we’re going… That is what the transition between December 31 and January 1 represents for so many of us. For those of us dealing with loss, it also means preparing for the reality of another year without our loved one(s).

In fact, even with my life moving in a more positive direction, I still miss and love Bruce. I still find myself wishing for “what was” instead of “what is.’ My journal entry for December 31 states it best:

Hi Babe! As I prepare to face another year without you next to me, I struggle. I miss you so much it still hurts – physically as much as emotionally. There is still a huge part of me that can’t believe you are gone (even after 3 years). There are so many sweet memories and I am so thankful for those. I, also, know your spirit will always be with me… will always be a part of me, but it’s not the same. I miss you! I would still give anything to have you here – physically beside me… I still love you so much!

So this week, while I find myself facing the beginning of 2016, I have looked back in order to decide how best to move forward.

Before Bruce, I was never really one for resolutions or parties. Even after we were married, the New Year wasn’t really anything significant for either of us. Honestly, with the exception our first two and the last New Year’s Eve, we didn’t really make a big deal of the Old Year/New Year thing. The first two, we spent in the Virgin Islands… The first was New Year’s Eve on board the ship where we met. (I wrote about that last week.) The second was Old Year’s Night at Foxy’s on Jost van Dyke. (Same cruise, only this time it was our honeymoon.)

Our last New Year’s Eve together was spent at a neighbor’s party. Bruce had worked late and had to work again the next day, so I thought he wouldn’t want to go. However, when he came home, he insisted he wanted to go. So, we agreed to go for about an hour. To my surprise (and delight), once we were there Bruce insisted we were having too much fun to leave. We laughed and danced together all night. Now, I have the most precious memories of that night – holding each other, laughing, dancing… not a care in the world – simply being present in the moment and loving it. To top it off the next morning, Bruce did something he never did… He called out to work and stayed home to “spend the first day of the new year with his ‘wifey'” (me). This simple gesture left me feeling so honored and loved.

The next year was my first year without Bruce. It was the year I did not celebrate anything. My son and I had rented a yacht in Key West to “escape” Christmas and returned home early that evening. My neighbor insisted that we come to his party again, but it wasn’t the same… not for me. My heart just wasn’t in it. The last thing I felt like doing was celebrating the start of a New Year without Bruce.

Jump ahead to last year… I met up with a childhood friend, I had not seen in over 30+ years. We spent the evening reminiscing about the past and talking about the present. Several things came up in conversation that night that changed 2015 into a positive year for me. Two of those things have stood out for me as the biggest game changers this year.

First, my friend suggested I write this blog about loss and grief… “Tell the real story,” he said. The real story – including the pain, the hurt, the awkwardness, the struggles, the things that are said (that shouldn’t be), the things left unsaid, the surprises… everything.

Why? Because as a society, we really don’t talk about death or grief. We have let Hollywood “romanticize” it, if you will, and that is way off base from the reality. My intention and hope was (and is) to be honest and build a space where anyone dealing with loss and grief can realize that their experience is “normal” even if it isn’t the “Hollywood” version… And most important – to feel safe sharing their experiences, as well.

Second, my friend suggested a “theme” for the year versus a resolution. Why not a resolution? According to research, 93% of resolutions are abandoned within the first month. Why is that? Because we tend to make our resolutions based on what we “perceive” we should do (lose weight, exercise more, etc) versus what we have an inner drive or passion to do. In other words, working toward our life’s purpose… And for me that meant sharing my experience with others with the hope of helping.

So 2015 became my year of “Celebration, Creation and Contribution.”

This mantra played out in so many ways for me… I Celebrated (really celebrated – not just observed) every holiday, including the anniversary of Bruce’s death. (You’ll hear about that later this month.)

I have always been a Creative person, but when Bruce died I put most of that aside. It seemed to take everything in me just to keep breathing. However, this year, I made the decision to change that… I started painting, playing piano and singing again. I even started writing (despite being told all my life I am “not a writer.”) In fact, thinking creatively has given me the confidence to look past the “good” opinions of other people. This, in turn, has opened so many opportunities for me.

And finally, Contribution… This was the year to be vulnerable – to pull outside of myself and do something for others. Refusing to stay focused on my own situation was hard at first. I had to “fake it till I made it” for a good portion of the year. But a few months ago, it actually clicked… it became heartfelt. I love the things that I can do to help others, especially life/development coaching and this blog. Contributing to the world around me has taught me to love and accept everyone around me… to send peace and love where before I might have responded with judgment or anger.

My thought from the beginning has been: if I could help even one other person, then it would be worthwhile. From the messages I receive, it appears that this year of Celebration, Creation and Contribution has made a difference in at least a few lives. In truth, though, even if it hadn’t, I know it made a huge difference in my own life. I have learned firsthand that focusing on myself causes me to be stagnant or spiral down… feeling alone and abandoned. But when I focus on someone else’s needs instead of my own, we can move forward together and connected.

What about you? What one small decision or change can you make to move forward? If you are on the healing side of grief, what did you do to move forward?

Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

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