Tag: moving on

Peace, Love and Grief… Moving On

I thought we had forever…
I never knew we were counting down
from the day we met.
~ Linda, September 2013

I have now spent five years on this “grief journey,” as it is called… And let me just say, “It still sucks!” And while I am better at navigating my way, there are still challenges that can be beyond frustrating.

I remember when this first started… There were people who thought I should be “over it” within a few months. There were others who made it quite clear, one year was more than enough time. I even remember someone saying, “Well, I understand for now, but if you are still grieving and alone after two years, I’m going to worry about you… That wouldn’t be good.” Or, “You really need to move on… after all, you aren’t the first person to lose a husband.” Or “When are you going to get on with your life?” But I think the most hurtful one is “I’m really tired of this, when are you going to get back to normal?” (You think you’re tired of this? I would give anything for my life to be normal again!)

People have said so many variations of this to me in my grief. While I realize these people are genuinely, well-intentioned, to be honest, their statements come across as extremely insensitive. In the beginning, these statements (and ones like them) made me extremely angry. I found myself pushing these people away and withdrawing more and more into myself.

Over time, though, I have learned not to get angry. Instead, I chalk it up to ignorance… I know they mean well. What they don’t understand is they are giving advice about something they have yet to experience. (Like when your teenager tells you what they are going to do when they are an adult.) Instead, their advice is based on what they believe they would do in my situation. The problem is they haven’t been in my situation… Of the two of us, I am the only one who has seen both sides.

Sometimes I even feel sorry for them… I can’t help but wonder if and when they do lose their spouse, will they remember their own advice? Will they feel they must follow their own advice and not allow themselves the time they will need to grieve?

If I thought they might actually listen, there is so much I would really like to say… Things I wish they could understand without going through this experience.

For example, …

1. Loss (and grief) changes you… I can never go back to who I was because I can never undo this experience… I wish these people could understand that before I even had a chance to come to grips with what happened, I was bombarded with decisions – decisions about donating organs, cremation, insurance, bank accounts, bills, and the list goes on and on. In my case, there was no one who could really help me… I was living hundreds of miles from any family. Plus, both of my parents are still alive, both of Bruce’s parents are alive, all of our siblings are still with their spouses, and none of my close friends had lost a spouse either. There was no one I could turn to for help who had been where I suddenly found myself, because I was the first.

2. Please don’t use the phrase “at least ____,” as in “At least he didn’t suffer,” or “At least you can remarry,” or “At least he is in a better place,” or “At least you had eight years together.” I realize that these words are meant to bring comfort. People are trying to point out a so-called positive, so I won’t be sad. However, when someone uses the term “at least,” I don’t feel better. Instead, I feel as if my love for Bruce, my pain and this whole experience are being minimized. Instead, just let me be sad sometimes… Validate my feelings by simply sitting beside me… You don’t need to say anything… I know you can’t fix it… Just hug me and listen. It really is that simple.

3. Please define “Move On” and “Get Over It,” because I don’t believe there is any such thing. Besides, these are really vague terms. I get the impression they mean for me to live my life the way they believe I should. (No, thank you.) Besides, I couldn’t do that even if I wanted to… (see #1). I will never “recover” in the way you recover from a sore throat, but I am learning to reorganize and refocus. It just happens to be in my own direction and at my own pace.

4. When you say these things, I hear you, but you never make it a discussion. It’s always just a comment made here and there, but I hear you… I, also, lose trust with you. Over these past five years, when people make their “helpful” comments, I find myself isolating more and more… limiting those whom I feel safe to share with and only crying when I am alone. In other words, my world has slowly gotten smaller and smaller, as my trust is slowly whittled away.

Here’s the thing… When someone we love dies, the idea of them being forgotten is terrifying. For whatever reason, it becomes our mission to tell their story – to be sure they are never forgotten. Why? Because, then they are never really gone.

So, you see, those of us in grief will never be able to do what you ask… The people we love died, but they will always be a part of us. However, whenever we take action and move our grief in a positive direction, we are making a difference in our journey… No matter how small the step. For example, this blog is my way of reaching out… a neighbor of mine started a widows’ social group (which is amazing!), a co-worker started a day of kindness project, and another friend holds an annual golf event.

So, please remember, love grows love. That is why we do what we do… because we loved. So please, instead of trying to fix me or direct me, just sit with me… be willing to move with me… That will help more than you could ever know.

For each of us dealing with loss, the comments made by those around us can be hurtful. I don’t know if it ever stops or gets any easier to ignore. I know I just wish they could realize what they are saying… Does any of this sound familiar? Have you ever felt this way? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… There is more than one definition for “getting over it”

After my Grandfather died, my Grandmother continued living in her house out in the country. One day, a friend of theirs stopped by her office to tell her that he was concerned about her living “out there all alone.” He suggested that she should consider getting a dog for protection. She told him, she didn’t want the mess or work of owning a dog, nor did she want to worry about what to do with a dog while she was at work or traveling. “No,” she told him. “That would never do.”

Then, he continued voicing his concerns and told her that if she wouldn’t get a dog, she should consider remarrying so she would have a man to protect her. She looked him in the eye and responded, “I’d rather get a dog.”

That story always made me laugh!! However, when she was telling it, I had no idea I would one day understand there was more to this story that only SHE could understand at the time. She loved my grandfather – that was not her issue. But dating or getting married were not on her list of “things to do.”

Now that I am a widow, as well, I understand her response so much better…

“When are you going to get over this?”… “When are you going to move on?”… “You need to consider moving forward.”… “Life moves on, you know.”… “I think you may be ‘stuck.'” … “Bruce would want you to move on.”

I started hearing these statements in one form or another almost immediately after Bruce passed away…

The first time, I was furious! Two weeks after his death, I had a well-known security system installed in my home. Within hours of leaving my home, the sales agent using the information from my forms, called and asked me to attend a Super Bowl party with him. That was bad enough… but worse to me was the reaction I received when I vented to a neighbor. He stated that I should go on the date and “start moving on.” Seriously?? I could not even begin to comprehend his thought process.

At the time, I thought surely this was a one time scenario. I had no idea that was only the beginning. The craziest part (to me) is that everytime someone makes one of these statements about “getting over it,” it is almost always in regards to dating again… as if that is the qualifier of “moving on.”

At first, it really caught me by surprise. If I made a statement that I was “doing better,” “feeling better”  or even simply “feeling happy,” nine times out of ten, the other person in the conversation would reply with some comment about dating. Then, I would find myself getting frustrated and angry… Why is dating the definition of “doing better?” Who made the decision that dating is the deciding factor?

Recently, I was in a widow’s on-line chat group when someone mentioned that she felt “pushed” by friends and family to date again, but it had only been three months since her husband had passed away. She didn’t feel ready but wanted to know what others in the group had done.

I was sadly surprised by the responses. There were a number of people who responded that they had experienced the same thing. However, for a variety of reasons, many had chosen to date just to get people to leave them alone. The majority stated they weren’t interested at all… In fact, they actually resented the person they were dating rather than being happy or excited, because they felt “pushed.”

How sad… so many people were doing something they did not want to do, simply to avoid a conversation that they found frustrating.

At the time of the first conversation I had with my neighbor, I too was frustrated with the response I received and found myself trying to defend my position. For the first couple of years, whenever this subject came up my response was the same and my frustration grew. In fact, there are some people I gave up talking to entirely because that was all they seemed to be able to focus on.

I have found that time has mellowed my thought process, and hence, my response. I don’t get frustrated, and I definitely do not feel the need to defend myself. All of that is really pointless – such a waste of energy. Truthfully, we all have an opinion about what we think we would do in another person’s shoes. (It really doesn’t matter whether we are talking about being a widow or what to eat for lunch.) It is what we do with that opinion that makes the difference.

There will always be some people who want to force their opinion onto the people around them. Sometimes these people are so sure they are right, they may even be a bit aggressive. I’ve learned to recognize these people by their “You should…” or “You need to…” statements.

Other people are genuinely curious. They mean well but they don’t understand why you do what you do. However, these people will not tell you what to do. They will ask questions and listen to the answers… They truly want to understand.

I respect this second group. I don’t mind the questions or the conversation that follows. I have learned that one of the best places to start is often by asking for their definition of “getting over it.” Over time, I have found that everyone defines it differently… so do I.

For me, “getting over it” or “moving on” means that I am able to live my life in such a way that I am happy… genuinely happy. Life will continue to throw curve balls – it always does. But my growth (my “moving forward”) is found in how I handle each situation.

After my divorce, I learned a lot about healing first… becoming whole first. After I left my first husband, I still waited over 3 years before I dated. I knew I needed that time to heal. And despite pressure from other people, I did what I knew was right for me.

Since Bruce died, I have found myself doing that again… Taking the time I need to heal in order to feel whole and happy again. My life may or may not include another relationship at some point. However, my point is I am okay either way, because having another relationship is not my goal.

I know without a doubt that no one can ever complete another person. We need to be whole first on our own. So when I define “getting over it” or “moving forward” for me, it means to become a whole, happy, healthy person on my own…

Which, in fact, I feel like I am… I simply want to see where life takes me and enjoy the ride.

Do you have a story to share? A story about coming to terms with your loved one’s death? Or others trying to tell you how to cope? How did YOU handle it?

Please share your story with us… This is OUR community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Old Year’s Night/New Year’s Eve

Where we’ve been and where we’re going… That is what the transition between December 31 and January 1 represents for so many of us. For those of us dealing with loss, it also means preparing for the reality of another year without our loved one(s).

In fact, even with my life moving in a more positive direction, I still miss and love Bruce. I still find myself wishing for “what was” instead of “what is.’ My journal entry for December 31 states it best:

Hi Babe! As I prepare to face another year without you next to me, I struggle. I miss you so much it still hurts – physically as much as emotionally. There is still a huge part of me that can’t believe you are gone (even after 3 years). There are so many sweet memories and I am so thankful for those. I, also, know your spirit will always be with me… will always be a part of me, but it’s not the same. I miss you! I would still give anything to have you here – physically beside me… I still love you so much!

So this week, while I find myself facing the beginning of 2016, I have looked back in order to decide how best to move forward.

Before Bruce, I was never really one for resolutions or parties. Even after we were married, the New Year wasn’t really anything significant for either of us. Honestly, with the exception our first two and the last New Year’s Eve, we didn’t really make a big deal of the Old Year/New Year thing. The first two, we spent in the Virgin Islands… The first was New Year’s Eve on board the ship where we met. (I wrote about that last week.) The second was Old Year’s Night at Foxy’s on Jost van Dyke. (Same cruise, only this time it was our honeymoon.)

Our last New Year’s Eve together was spent at a neighbor’s party. Bruce had worked late and had to work again the next day, so I thought he wouldn’t want to go. However, when he came home, he insisted he wanted to go. So, we agreed to go for about an hour. To my surprise (and delight), once we were there Bruce insisted we were having too much fun to leave. We laughed and danced together all night. Now, I have the most precious memories of that night – holding each other, laughing, dancing… not a care in the world – simply being present in the moment and loving it. To top it off the next morning, Bruce did something he never did… He called out to work and stayed home to “spend the first day of the new year with his ‘wifey'” (me). This simple gesture left me feeling so honored and loved.

The next year was my first year without Bruce. It was the year I did not celebrate anything. My son and I had rented a yacht in Key West to “escape” Christmas and returned home early that evening. My neighbor insisted that we come to his party again, but it wasn’t the same… not for me. My heart just wasn’t in it. The last thing I felt like doing was celebrating the start of a New Year without Bruce.

Jump ahead to last year… I met up with a childhood friend, I had not seen in over 30+ years. We spent the evening reminiscing about the past and talking about the present. Several things came up in conversation that night that changed 2015 into a positive year for me. Two of those things have stood out for me as the biggest game changers this year.

First, my friend suggested I write this blog about loss and grief… “Tell the real story,” he said. The real story – including the pain, the hurt, the awkwardness, the struggles, the things that are said (that shouldn’t be), the things left unsaid, the surprises… everything.

Why? Because as a society, we really don’t talk about death or grief. We have let Hollywood “romanticize” it, if you will, and that is way off base from the reality. My intention and hope was (and is) to be honest and build a space where anyone dealing with loss and grief can realize that their experience is “normal” even if it isn’t the “Hollywood” version… And most important – to feel safe sharing their experiences, as well.

Second, my friend suggested a “theme” for the year versus a resolution. Why not a resolution? According to research, 93% of resolutions are abandoned within the first month. Why is that? Because we tend to make our resolutions based on what we “perceive” we should do (lose weight, exercise more, etc) versus what we have an inner drive or passion to do. In other words, working toward our life’s purpose… And for me that meant sharing my experience with others with the hope of helping.

So 2015 became my year of “Celebration, Creation and Contribution.”

This mantra played out in so many ways for me… I Celebrated (really celebrated – not just observed) every holiday, including the anniversary of Bruce’s death. (You’ll hear about that later this month.)

I have always been a Creative person, but when Bruce died I put most of that aside. It seemed to take everything in me just to keep breathing. However, this year, I made the decision to change that… I started painting, playing piano and singing again. I even started writing (despite being told all my life I am “not a writer.”) In fact, thinking creatively has given me the confidence to look past the “good” opinions of other people. This, in turn, has opened so many opportunities for me.

And finally, Contribution… This was the year to be vulnerable – to pull outside of myself and do something for others. Refusing to stay focused on my own situation was hard at first. I had to “fake it till I made it” for a good portion of the year. But a few months ago, it actually clicked… it became heartfelt. I love the things that I can do to help others, especially life/development coaching and this blog. Contributing to the world around me has taught me to love and accept everyone around me… to send peace and love where before I might have responded with judgment or anger.

My thought from the beginning has been: if I could help even one other person, then it would be worthwhile. From the messages I receive, it appears that this year of Celebration, Creation and Contribution has made a difference in at least a few lives. In truth, though, even if it hadn’t, I know it made a huge difference in my own life. I have learned firsthand that focusing on myself causes me to be stagnant or spiral down… feeling alone and abandoned. But when I focus on someone else’s needs instead of my own, we can move forward together and connected.

What about you? What one small decision or change can you make to move forward? If you are on the healing side of grief, what did you do to move forward?

Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.