Tag: New Year’s Eve

Peace, Love, and Grief… Another New Year

It’s hard to believe that another year has come and gone… Another New Year’s Eve behind me… Another night spent wondering what life would be like if Bruce were still here…

Before Bruce, I rarely celebrated New Year’s Eve. It’s one of those things that my family never celebrated when I was growing up… It was just another day with the only tradition to mark its passing that of black-eyed peas and collards for dinner. (And I hate collards, so I always kind of dreaded it! LOL!) Then during my first marriage, I was just too tired for a late-night party after all the energy expended on Christmas with an ever-growing family. I do remember a couple of years when we went to a party, but those were usually based around my ex-husband’s business and its customers – not a party just for fun, but one with a business goal in mind. That was fine. It was what put bread on our table. My point is that New Year’s Eve just didn’t have any significance in my life… until Bruce.

We met on a cruise which ran from the day after Christmas until New Year’s Day. That New Year’s Eve is one I will never forget. After a week of getting to know one another, Bruce and I danced the night away on the deck of that sailing schooner. We even toasted and kissed at midnight. Then someone walked past us and made a comment that they thought there was something more than a ship-board romance between us. I’ll never forget… Bruce looked me in the eye and said he agreed. He wanted to take things further after the cruise was over.

That would be such a sweet New Year’s Eve story if I stopped there. However, to be honest, it kind of freaked me out in the moment, and I actually ran and hid in my cabin. (Because that is what a logical, mature woman does, right? Good grief! Sometimes I am ridiculous!) Obviously, we worked things out, because 10 months later we were married. So for me, New Year’s Eve will always be the start of “us”.

In the years that followed, we tended to make New Years a private affair. Bruce usually cooked lobster or crab legs for dinner, and we always stayed up and watched the ball drop in NY City. Then we usually ended the night with a slow romantic dance – usually to Rod Stewart’s Have I Told You Lately. It was quiet, but it suited us.

Now jump forward to December 31, 2012. Bruce had to work, so I spent the day alone. Our neighbors, though, had invited us to a small party at their house. So, Bruce made sure he was home in time for us to go. We were only going to stay for an hour or two, though, because he had to be at work the next day at 5 am.

It was such a fun night. We laughed. We danced. We celebrated with friends… And we stayed way longer than planned. Before we left to come back home, we kissed and toasted as the year rolled into 2013. Then once we were home, we danced one more time… I swear, if I close my eyes, I can almost feel his arms around me as we slowly turned in time to the music… one last time…

The next day, Bruce decided to call out from work – something he never did. As we lay in the bed that first morning of 2013, he pulled me close as he told me that that was the way he wanted to spend the entire year – with me in his arms. I felt like I was in heaven… It was the best New Years ever!

But life had other plans, and a few weeks later, Bruce was gone. No longer a part of my world or my life.

Ever since, New Years has held a certain bittersweet, melancholy for me. My kids have been great about including me in their plans each year, and I always have a good time. Yet, somewhere in my heart there is a hole that is never filled. This year, though, for the first time in a long time, I found myself alone for New Years. Turns out, I was exposed to Covid this past week, and while I am vaccinated and boosted, I know that doesn’t apply to everyone. I don’t think I could handle it if someone got sick, because I spread it around. So I made the choice to stay home until I know it is safe.

However, that means it has been a very quiet New Year’s Eve and Day. I am sure I have probably been in my own head too much. All I keep thinking is how much I still miss him… And how lonely life can be without him… And I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if he had been here beside me for one more dance and to toast another year together… another year of “us”.

I miss you, Babe!

Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and this time of year, it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to on this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Life is now filled with challenges I never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. These next few weeks will hold many challenges for me, but my goal is to look into this new year before me and find the joy and the hope life holds.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o’ lang syne!
~ Robert Burns

We sing it every year at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s, but how many of us even know what we are singing? This song is actually an old Scot’s poem that means “for old times’ sake.” It is about preserving and remembering old friendships and events… It’s about remembering “times gone by.” It may seem strange, but until I lost Bruce that song really held no real meaning for me. But now when I sing it, I mean it!

This year as I think about that song and ponder the approach of another year – where I’ve been and where I’m going – I find myself focusing on the reality of another year without Bruce. In fact, even though my life is continually moving in a more positive direction, I find that I still miss and love Bruce just as much as on day one. I often find myself wishing for “what was” instead of “what is.” My journal entry for December 31, 2015 states it best:

“Hi Babe! As I prepare to face another year without you next to me, I struggle. I miss you so much it still hurts – physically as much as emotionally. There is still a huge part of me that can’t believe you are gone (even after 3 years). There are so many sweet memories and I am so thankful for those. I, also, know your spirit will always be with me… will always be a part of me, but it’s not the same. I miss you! I would still give anything to have you here – physically beside me… I still love you so much!”

This week as I find myself facing the beginning of 2017 – another year without Bruce – I wonder if all these feelings are normal. Is it normal to still feel so lost and alone four years later? I don’t know… There are plenty of people who tell me “no.” However, I don’t put a lot of stock in what they say, because they have never been where I am. (Their opinion is only that – an opinion… It has no basis in reality or experience.) However, when I talk to anyone else who is grieving, they seem to have similar feelings. Besides, if Auld Lang Syne is the way we all start each new year, then my feelings can’t be too far off.

This week, as I tried to emotionally prepare myself for this New Year’s Eve (or Old Year’s Night as Bruce loved to call it), I had two things happen on the same day that spoke volumes to me…

First, while listening to one of my regular podcasts this week, I heard a quote from Chasidic Rabbi Menachem Mendel, “The only whole heart is a broken one.” The truth of that simple statement immediately struck a chord with me.

That same day while looking at my “On this day” section on Face Book, I saw this:

“Spoke with a friend before Thanksgiving and his wife was in the hospital with an MS episode. Saw him today and found out she had passed a week later. One week she was fine, the next week in the hospital and the next week gone. He got a call to come say good-by and 15 minutes after he got there she passed. I cannot imagine the devastation. We talked for a while… Mostly, he just wanted to talk about her… About her life. All I have been able to think today is to that every moment is precious. We never know when someone we love will be gone. Never take a moment for granted and always be sure they know that I love them. If you are reading this, please know that I love you!”

Little did I know when I wrote this, I would lose my precious Bruce only 2 short weeks later. Then that quote came back to mind…

“The only whole heart is a broken one.”

It is so true… At the time I wrote that post, I knew without a doubt that I loved Bruce and he loved me. What was impossible to grasp was the depth of that love… the depth of the connection between our very souls. It wasn’t until he died, and I experienced the depth of grief within my broken heart, that I could understand exactly how deep our love had been… and still is. Yet when I heard that quote, a part of me realized (as awful as it is) in order to experience all facets of love, the pain and grief of a broken heart must be a part of it, as well.

I’ve always thought Bruce knew his time was limited… just small things he did in the last few months preceding his death… none of which I gave a second thought until after he died. If that is true, I also believe he experienced his own grief and broken heart. Because of that, I believe by that last month, he had a complete understanding of the depth of our love… I believe that is why this song was one of the last songs we danced to as he held me close, looked in my eyes and kissed me gently… one last time…

It’s still true… As I face 2017, this is still the only thing I really want with all my heart…

And all I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart from being broken apart
You gave your love away and I’m thankful every day, for the gift

~ Songwriters: TOM DOUGLAS, JIM BRICKMAN

What about you? How do you prepare for the New Year? Do you find yourself wishing for what was but knowing that can never be? Would you like to share your thoughts or ideas on how to face the New Year? If you are on the healing side of grief, what have you done to move forward?

Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.* Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Old Year’s Night/New Year’s Eve

Where we’ve been and where we’re going… That is what the transition between December 31 and January 1 represents for so many of us. For those of us dealing with loss, it also means preparing for the reality of another year without our loved one(s).

In fact, even with my life moving in a more positive direction, I still miss and love Bruce. I still find myself wishing for “what was” instead of “what is.’ My journal entry for December 31 states it best:

Hi Babe! As I prepare to face another year without you next to me, I struggle. I miss you so much it still hurts – physically as much as emotionally. There is still a huge part of me that can’t believe you are gone (even after 3 years). There are so many sweet memories and I am so thankful for those. I, also, know your spirit will always be with me… will always be a part of me, but it’s not the same. I miss you! I would still give anything to have you here – physically beside me… I still love you so much!

So this week, while I find myself facing the beginning of 2016, I have looked back in order to decide how best to move forward.

Before Bruce, I was never really one for resolutions or parties. Even after we were married, the New Year wasn’t really anything significant for either of us. Honestly, with the exception our first two and the last New Year’s Eve, we didn’t really make a big deal of the Old Year/New Year thing. The first two, we spent in the Virgin Islands… The first was New Year’s Eve on board the ship where we met. (I wrote about that last week.) The second was Old Year’s Night at Foxy’s on Jost van Dyke. (Same cruise, only this time it was our honeymoon.)

Our last New Year’s Eve together was spent at a neighbor’s party. Bruce had worked late and had to work again the next day, so I thought he wouldn’t want to go. However, when he came home, he insisted he wanted to go. So, we agreed to go for about an hour. To my surprise (and delight), once we were there Bruce insisted we were having too much fun to leave. We laughed and danced together all night. Now, I have the most precious memories of that night – holding each other, laughing, dancing… not a care in the world – simply being present in the moment and loving it. To top it off the next morning, Bruce did something he never did… He called out to work and stayed home to “spend the first day of the new year with his ‘wifey'” (me). This simple gesture left me feeling so honored and loved.

The next year was my first year without Bruce. It was the year I did not celebrate anything. My son and I had rented a yacht in Key West to “escape” Christmas and returned home early that evening. My neighbor insisted that we come to his party again, but it wasn’t the same… not for me. My heart just wasn’t in it. The last thing I felt like doing was celebrating the start of a New Year without Bruce.

Jump ahead to last year… I met up with a childhood friend, I had not seen in over 30+ years. We spent the evening reminiscing about the past and talking about the present. Several things came up in conversation that night that changed 2015 into a positive year for me. Two of those things have stood out for me as the biggest game changers this year.

First, my friend suggested I write this blog about loss and grief… “Tell the real story,” he said. The real story – including the pain, the hurt, the awkwardness, the struggles, the things that are said (that shouldn’t be), the things left unsaid, the surprises… everything.

Why? Because as a society, we really don’t talk about death or grief. We have let Hollywood “romanticize” it, if you will, and that is way off base from the reality. My intention and hope was (and is) to be honest and build a space where anyone dealing with loss and grief can realize that their experience is “normal” even if it isn’t the “Hollywood” version… And most important – to feel safe sharing their experiences, as well.

Second, my friend suggested a “theme” for the year versus a resolution. Why not a resolution? According to research, 93% of resolutions are abandoned within the first month. Why is that? Because we tend to make our resolutions based on what we “perceive” we should do (lose weight, exercise more, etc) versus what we have an inner drive or passion to do. In other words, working toward our life’s purpose… And for me that meant sharing my experience with others with the hope of helping.

So 2015 became my year of “Celebration, Creation and Contribution.”

This mantra played out in so many ways for me… I Celebrated (really celebrated – not just observed) every holiday, including the anniversary of Bruce’s death. (You’ll hear about that later this month.)

I have always been a Creative person, but when Bruce died I put most of that aside. It seemed to take everything in me just to keep breathing. However, this year, I made the decision to change that… I started painting, playing piano and singing again. I even started writing (despite being told all my life I am “not a writer.”) In fact, thinking creatively has given me the confidence to look past the “good” opinions of other people. This, in turn, has opened so many opportunities for me.

And finally, Contribution… This was the year to be vulnerable – to pull outside of myself and do something for others. Refusing to stay focused on my own situation was hard at first. I had to “fake it till I made it” for a good portion of the year. But a few months ago, it actually clicked… it became heartfelt. I love the things that I can do to help others, especially life/development coaching and this blog. Contributing to the world around me has taught me to love and accept everyone around me… to send peace and love where before I might have responded with judgment or anger.

My thought from the beginning has been: if I could help even one other person, then it would be worthwhile. From the messages I receive, it appears that this year of Celebration, Creation and Contribution has made a difference in at least a few lives. In truth, though, even if it hadn’t, I know it made a huge difference in my own life. I have learned firsthand that focusing on myself causes me to be stagnant or spiral down… feeling alone and abandoned. But when I focus on someone else’s needs instead of my own, we can move forward together and connected.

What about you? What one small decision or change can you make to move forward? If you are on the healing side of grief, what did you do to move forward?

Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.