Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o’ lang syne!
~ Robert Burns
We sing it every year at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s, but how many of us even know what we are singing? This song is actually an old Scot’s poem that means “for old times’ sake.” It is about preserving and remembering old friendships and events… It’s about remembering “times gone by.” It may seem strange, but until I lost Bruce that song really held no real meaning for me. But now when I sing it, I mean it!
This year as I think about that song and ponder the approach of another year – where I’ve been and where I’m going – I find myself focusing on the reality of another year without Bruce. In fact, even though my life is continually moving in a more positive direction, I find that I still miss and love Bruce just as much as on day one. I often find myself wishing for “what was” instead of “what is.” My journal entry for December 31, 2015 states it best:
“Hi Babe! As I prepare to face another year without you next to me, I struggle. I miss you so much it still hurts – physically as much as emotionally. There is still a huge part of me that can’t believe you are gone (even after 3 years). There are so many sweet memories and I am so thankful for those. I, also, know your spirit will always be with me… will always be a part of me, but it’s not the same. I miss you! I would still give anything to have you here – physically beside me… I still love you so much!”
This week as I find myself facing the beginning of 2017 – another year without Bruce – I wonder if all these feelings are normal. Is it normal to still feel so lost and alone four years later? I don’t know… There are plenty of people who tell me “no.” However, I don’t put a lot of stock in what they say, because they have never been where I am. (Their opinion is only that – an opinion… It has no basis in reality or experience.) However, when I talk to anyone else who is grieving, they seem to have similar feelings. Besides, if Auld Lang Syne is the way we all start each new year, then my feelings can’t be too far off.
This week, as I tried to emotionally prepare myself for this New Year’s Eve (or Old Year’s Night as Bruce loved to call it), I had two things happen on the same day that spoke volumes to me…
First, while listening to one of my regular podcasts this week, I heard a quote from Chasidic Rabbi Menachem Mendel, “The only whole heart is a broken one.” The truth of that simple statement immediately struck a chord with me.
That same day while looking at my “On this day” section on Face Book, I saw this:
“Spoke with a friend before Thanksgiving and his wife was in the hospital with an MS episode. Saw him today and found out she had passed a week later. One week she was fine, the next week in the hospital and the next week gone. He got a call to come say good-by and 15 minutes after he got there she passed. I cannot imagine the devastation. We talked for a while… Mostly, he just wanted to talk about her… About her life. All I have been able to think today is to that every moment is precious. We never know when someone we love will be gone. Never take a moment for granted and always be sure they know that I love them. If you are reading this, please know that I love you!”
Little did I know when I wrote this, I would lose my precious Bruce only 2 short weeks later. Then that quote came back to mind…
“The only whole heart is a broken one.”
It is so true… At the time I wrote that post, I knew without a doubt that I loved Bruce and he loved me. What was impossible to grasp was the depth of that love… the depth of the connection between our very souls. It wasn’t until he died, and I experienced the depth of grief within my broken heart, that I could understand exactly how deep our love had been… and still is. Yet when I heard that quote, a part of me realized (as awful as it is) in order to experience all facets of love, the pain and grief of a broken heart must be a part of it, as well.
I’ve always thought Bruce knew his time was limited… just small things he did in the last few months preceding his death… none of which I gave a second thought until after he died. If that is true, I also believe he experienced his own grief and broken heart. Because of that, I believe by that last month, he had a complete understanding of the depth of our love… I believe that is why this song was one of the last songs we danced to as he held me close, looked in my eyes and kissed me gently… one last time…
It’s still true… As I face 2017, this is still the only thing I really want with all my heart…
And all I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart from being broken apart
You gave your love away and I’m thankful every day, for the gift
~ Songwriters: TOM DOUGLAS, JIM BRICKMAN
What about you? How do you prepare for the New Year? Do you find yourself wishing for what was but knowing that can never be? Would you like to share your thoughts or ideas on how to face the New Year? If you are on the healing side of grief, what have you done to move forward?
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