Month: April 2018

Peace, Love and Grief… Don’t be Scared to Wear the Perfume

Because this day is all we have.
We are celebrating.
This morning.
We have this morning.
That’s it.
~ Rob Bell, How to Be Here

If there is one thing I learned when Bruce died, it was this simple truth – This moment is all we really have… Even the next moment is not guaranteed.

This was so true for us. That Friday was like any other one. We kissed good-by in the morning and went to our respective jobs. I picked up Chinese food on my way home from work, but since he was held up at work, I ate without him. When he finally got home, I skipped to the door and met him with a hug and kiss… (The best part of the day from my point of view.)

By that point, it was late. We were both tired, but that didn’t matter… We still sat together as he ate his dinner and talked about what we wanted to do for the weekend. It was January, but the weather was still warm. So, there we were trying to decide between the beach, the boat or the kayaks… Bruce, always so easy-going, just laughed and said, “Whatever you want… As long as we’re together and near the water is all I need.”

As we fell asleep laying in each other’s’ arms, I was busy worrying about “who knows what.” I will always remember that last kiss on the top of my head as he held me closer and said, “Stop worrying… Everything’s going to be okay… It always is.”

Just a few short hours later, I woke up. Still snuggled up against his warmth, I thought at first, he was snoring. Then, I thought he was having a bad dream… It took a few moments before I realized he was in trouble… and the nightmare began.

We went from laughter and snuggles to the somberness of death in a matter of a few short hours… How does that happen? I had never thought this would be our future. We were both healthy. (I thought.) We were both into fitness and eating right… I thought we would grow old together…. I never imagined anything else.

But, I learned quite quickly that life doesn’t come with any promises… It just isn’t that way… To put is simply – sometimes life just isn’t fair.

So, now I find myself fighting my own body… I am trying to stay positive, but I find myself struggling with the idea that my own body is trying to kill me…

This week as I was fighting the depression that wants to take up residence in my mind, I thought about the words above from Rob Bell. Hmmm… This morning… Do I want to really live it? Or am I going to sit and worry about what may (or may not) happen? I can’t control the second option… I can control the first.

“So,” I thought, “what would I love to do with this day? Where do I find the simple pleasures… The things that make me smile without any effort?”

At first, nothing came to mind. However, as I was getting showered and dressed, I realized something. It was a simple thing. One of those things most people might think wouldn’t even matter… But it matters to me…

I have a bottle of perfume that is my favorite. However, these days, it is almost impossible to find, so I rarely wear it. Instead, I tell myself I am “saving it.” … For what?? For a better day? For something important? That’s silly! So, I’m sure you can guess what I did… I wore the perfume! I decided if it runs out, and I can’t find more – so be it. I can’t enjoy it in the bottle, so I am going to enjoy it now.

… Just like this day! … And just like this moment!

Tomorrow isn’t promised, but this moment is… And if that is all I am promised, then I want to live this moment in such a way that makes me smile. Why? Because when my last moment comes (whether it is sooner or later), I want two things… I want to know I didn’t waste a moment… I lived each moment for what it is – sad, happy, whatever… savoring the different flavors that make up this life… And (when the time comes) for those I love to remember me living each moment as it is offered – genuine and full.

Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way. For some of us, it is easy to become cautious and live life sitting on the sidelines – observing more than living. However, that was never me before Bruce died, and I don’t want it to be me now either. These are only my thoughts and reactions this week as I try to adapt to this whole cancer thing.

Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Butterflies

Weeks ago, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wrote about a dream I had… I was so scared, but in my dream, Bruce built a metal sculpture of a butterfly. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen… It glistened and was covered with crystals and gems. As I watched, he put on some music, and the butterfly came to life and flew all around me. When the music ended, he picked up the now still sculpture, and kissed me. Then, I woke up.

It was the most calming dream I have ever had… At that moment, I knew butterflies would be my symbol from Bruce that he is here… And I’m not alone as I face what is ahead.

I know I need to take it one step at a time… I need to be careful and not get caught up in all the “what ifs.” But that is much easier said than done… The bottom line is… I’m still scared.

<When> “you have butterflies in your stomach, be grateful. You are in a wonderful place.
Nerves are God’s gift to you, reminding you that your life is not passing you by.
Make friends with the butterflies.
Welcome them when they come,
Revel in them,
Enjoy them,
And if they go away, do whatever it takes to put yourself in a position where they return.”
~ Rob Bell, How to Be Here

When I first learned I had cancer, I thought, “I’m not scared of dying.” That’s true… I’m not… I’m scared of the treatments. However, I also knew I couldn’t stay in that mindset. It’s not a positive or healthy place to be. So, over the last few weeks, I have been reading everything I can get my hands on concerning breast cancer. I want to understand my choices… I want to know the risks… I want to know exactly what it is I am facing.

The problem is, each person’s cancer is different; no one can make any guarantees; and I will never know exactly what lies ahead. Besides, all that stuff can make you crazy after a while. So, I have also been reading some of those “get-your-head-in-a-peaceful-place” type books, as well.

When I ran across the quote above, it hit me… I am so nervous right now… I have butterflies in my stomach and they don’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. Yet, I had not connected the two… I never thought about being grateful for what is happening or for how scared and nervous I feel.

Yet, this twist in my path has me re-evaluating so many things about how I live my life… For example – Am I really living it? Or in my grief, am I spending more time observing than living? I’m not sure… I tend to be a bit introverted anyway, so a quiet life suits me. At the same time, losing Bruce hurt more than anything I have ever endured… It still does. I know I am afraid of hurting again. I know I tend to stay where it is “safe.”

However, perhaps now life is drawing me out… Maybe this whole thing is to remind me, I am alive… Perhaps, I am being reminded that I need to dip my toes in the water…

That doesn’t mean I need to go sky-diving or go backpacking across the continent… Those things are fine, but they aren’t the things I long to do. I believe I simply need to be sure I’m saying “yes” to those things which bring me joy and make me smile.

So that is where I am this week… Preparing for a fight where my own body is trying to kill me, while at the same time remembering to live… To be present in each moment… And to find the joy in simply being here.

Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way. For each of us, trying to understand why things happened as they did (and do) can be a challenge in and of itself, and our paths are as diverse as the drops of water in the ocean. These are only my thoughts and reactions this week as I try to wrap my brain around this turn in my path. Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Birthday to You!

Before Bruce died, we always spent his birthday week with his folks on the Gulf Coast. He didn’t like parties or being the center of attention, so it was a great way to celebrate his birthday – just some chill time by the ocean surrounded by people he loved.

Once we moved to Florida, we started driving (versus flying) and would split the trip into two days. Bruce found this quaint, little hotel on the Apalachicola River where we loved to stay. The hotel was built on pilings and literally sat on the river. It was absolutely magical, and we loved it there!

This year as I was planning where to go for his birthday, I knew that was the spot… That was where I wanted to go. But, to save my life, I couldn’t remember the name of the hotel, so I went on a hunt. It didn’t take too long – just a couple of evenings on the internet… And I made my reservations.

As this week approached (with everything else going on), I began to worry… What if it wasn’t how I remembered? What if I got there and the memories were too much? I almost talked myself out of going… Almost… but not entirely.

I couldn’t remember the exact route Bruce would take to drive there. (I’m ashamed to say) I was never the one driving so I never paid attention to road names or the towns we passed through. But, I knew he didn’t take the direct route… He always took the back roads… So, Google could not be my navigator. I remembered the ocean was only feet from the road… For me, this part of the ride was as much a part of the experience as anything else. So, I went on line and just started looking at maps… (WOW! Who uses those anymore… LOL!) And I found it!

Then on Thursday, with my hand-written directions, some snacks and my luggage, I set off for my “Bruce’s Birthday Adventure”…

And it was fabulous!!

This river-front hotel and this small fishing town have not changed a lick! I was able to enjoy the most peaceful, quiet few days celebrating and remembering the man I love… The man who changed my life…

Hi, Babe! Happy Birthday! Just watching the magic of the sunrise on this precious day. I can’t believe the beauty surrounding me this morning. It’s as if the world took all that is you – all the love, strength, acceptance, joy and compassion – and made them physical within this sunrise… This daily miracle, which is mostly ignored. It started dark and quiet. Now, we are at first light, and life is waking up on the river. I can feel you here beside me – a smile on your face and coffee in your hand. : ) Quiet and strong, like the river at my feet. Life is so hectic lately, but it is in these quiet moments where I find my bearings. I’m not sure how this whole cancer thing is going to go – so far it is a chaotic mess. But, if I can manage to find these beautiful still moments with you along the way. I know I’ll be okay… I’ll manage through “whatever” as long as I can still feel you. I still love you so much. Today is yours and yet it feels like a gift to me… The day my angel landed in this world – soon to walk by my side and hold me in his arms… Even if it was only a brief moment in time, it was our moment… And it is where my heart remains.
~ Linda, April 2018

As I checked out to head home, the woman said, “Hope to you again next year!” Hmmm… Will I come back next year? Honestly, I don’t know… but I know it is where I was meant to be this year… And I have found a peace here that I desperately needed as I face the storm ahead.

Celebrating the lives of our loved ones seems to be an important part of this journey. I have to deal with Bruce’s death (I can’t avoid that part) but I want to focus on his life, because that holds everything good about him… That is where he loved us and where he made a difference. I know each of us remembers our loved ones differently – in our own way and in our own time. Today’s blog is simply my way of celebrating Bruce this year. Maybe this feels familiar… If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Facing the Lion Ahead

Why are you gone?
Why aren’t you here?
The lions are here…
Where are you?
I can’t do this!
I don’t have what it takes!
I don’t!
I’m scared!
The lions are circling,
And I don’t have the strength to fight them…
Not again… It’s too much…
Help me, Babe…
Show me I’m not alone.
~ Linda, February 2015

Does it ever hit you as strange the things life seems to throw our way? Do you ever think “what in the world?” or “why?” … I know, I do.

When Bruce died I questioned everything in life… I wanted to know why, and I questioned whether God really loved me at all. I even questioned my own ability to keep going… It felt so impossible at the time. In the last five years, while there hasn’t really been any answers, there has been a lot of healing as I have learned to come to terms with the changes life throw my way.

These last 2 weeks, however, have found me struggling with news that (once again) I’m not real sure how to handle… Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

It is my lion ahead…

At first, I chose to only share the news with our families and a few close friends. I didn’t want to tell anyone… I just life to be normal. I could barely wrap my brain around the whole thing… much less talk about it.

In last week’s blog, I could only bring myself to share my fear about handling this without Bruce by my side, but I still couldn’t name it… I even debated whether I wanted to share the whole truth here or not.

However, this past week, as I have struggled with the reality of this whole thing (and all it encompasses), I knew I needed to share this here… with you. I’m know I’m not the first widow to deal with cancer without my spouse by my side. And since it is now a part of my experience as a widow, I need to be honest about it and share it openly. This is not something I would ever wish on anyone. But if you ever find yourself here… I hope you never feel alone.

I think that is my biggest struggle… I’m already scare, but doing this without Bruce makes it even scarier… I would give anything to feel his arms around me… To hear him tell me it’s going to be okay – We’ve got this… “We”… That’s part I need…

Don’t misunderstand… Our families have been beyond supportive – both Bruce’s and mine. I know I am not really alone. I know everyone is willing to help me any way they can.

But, it’s the emotional part… It’s the part where I feel like I’m going to fall apart at any moment. It’s the part where the tears are always right behind my eyelids. It’s the part where I need to just collapse and let someone else handle it for a while… Because I don’t think I can.

This week, despite being given very good odds, I have found myself spiraling down the rabbit hole of anxiety and depression. I have done a lot of reading that says this is normal. They say it is actually a type of grief… Grief for the life you thought was yours, but now will involve all kinds of surgery and treatments… And even if everything goes well, there will be a life-long chance of recurrence. For someone who is never sick… (Shoot, I don’t even feel sick now!)… this just doesn’t feel real.

I think it’s that “C” word… It’s just a scary word… It creates so many negative thoughts and scenarios in my head… And I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I don’t really have the luxury to not think about it. I have constant appointments with all different doctors, and each one tells me something different… Each one proposes new ideas requiring different decisions… It’s all so overwhelming…

I wish I could end this on a positive note today… I wish I could say, “No big deal; no worries. I’ve got this!” But this week… today… I don’t feel like “I’ve got this”… Instead, I feel like this has got me, and I’m not a fan.

I’m not questioning the “why me” this time, but I sure don’t know why God chose to have me do this without Bruce… That part is still hard… But for whatever reason, here I am… and cancer is the lion ahead… The lion I have to face alone.

Would you be as lost as me
if our roles were changed?
Because I’m lost…
I keep looking for you wherever I go…
~ Linda, January 2018

Sometimes when we feel like we are finally figuring this thing out, life throws something else our way. Learning to live with our grief and deal with these ever-changing circumstances can be overwhelming. I know each of us reacts differently and each of us will do it in our own way and in our own time. Today’s blog is simply my newest experience, and how I am trying to make some sense of this and move forward. Maybe this feels familiar… If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… When I Miss You the Most

Why are you gone?
Why aren’t you here?
The lions are here…
Where are you?
I can’t do this!
I don’t have what it takes!
I don’t!
I’m scared!
The lions are circling,
And I don’t have the strength to fight them…
Not again… It’s too much…
Help me, Babe…
Show me I’m not alone.
~ Linda, February 2015

If I am honest, I have to say I always miss Bruce. There isn’t a day when he doesn’t cross my mind in some fashion. Even in casual conversations, I find myself either thinking of a related “Bruce story” or what he would think of the topic at hand. I can’t help it… It is as natural to me as breathing… Although, I believe I am better about not saying these things as often as I think of them. (Mainly, because there are a lot more people in my world now who never knew Bruce.)

However, I also must admit, there are definitely times when I miss Bruce more than other times. Usually those times involve facing something that feels scary and/or overwhelming… It’s then that I miss the safety of his arms… I miss falling into those arms, having him hold me close and tell me it’s all going to be okay. I miss his confidence in life, and his ability to maintain a steady calm no matter what we were facing.

This week has been one of those weeks…

I have “lions” to face, and to be honest, I am scared. I know I have to be strong and maintain that “steady calm,” but I don’t feel it…

They say there are lessons we each must learn in this life. And, if we don’t learn them the first time, we are bound to face similar situations over and over until we do learn. For me, I have felt that lesson has been the one of trusting life… In fact, I have written about it several times here. I am constantly being reminded that the river doesn’t try to move the rocks; it simply flows around them.

Yet, each time I see those rocks in the path ahead, I find myself starting to panic just a bit. Each time, I find myself missing Bruce and the strength that just seemed radiate from him. I find myself thinking I just can’t do this without him – not this time.

As I said, this week has been one of those weeks… I can see the rocks in the path ahead. I don’t feel strong… I don’t feel calm… I know I can’t move the rocks, and I know I must move forward.

Fear is fighting a reality I can’t change.
~ Linda, October 2013

But, in the middle of my fear, Bruce sent me a sign… Thursday night I had a dream. In my dream, Bruce had built a metal sculpture of a butterfly. It was beautiful and covered with crystals and gems. Then, he put on some music, and the butterfly came to life and flew all around me. When the music ended, he picked up the now still sculpture, placed it in my hands, and kissed me. Then, I woke up.

Am I still scared? Yes… And I would give anything to have Bruce here beside me through this. However, it seems that whenever I find myself facing the “lions” (or the “rocks”), Bruce finds a way to remind me, I am not alone and no matter what happens…

It is still going to be alright…

Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way. For each of us, learning to live with our grief and deal with the ever-changing circumstances life throws our way can be an overwhelming lesson. I know each of us will do it in our own way and in our own time. Today’s blog is simply my thoughts and how I keep trying to move forward on this path. Maybe this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled with learning to live with your grief. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.